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Original poster

Age old proposal problems

217 replies

Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 15:35

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 27/11/2024 15:39

They r doomed if they do and doomed if they don’t.

Brefugee · 27/11/2024 15:42

Will i be the first to say: tell him you want to get married within x timeframe and if it doesn't happen, this is the schedule you want to agree for visitation of your child.

It is the 21st century. You really don't have to wait for him to propose. You need to bin off any of the romantic notions you have of him suddenly having an epiphany and doing this - you know it isn't going to happen.

Or you remain in unwedded bliss if your relationship is fine, and make sure you both have legally watertight wills and legal protections.

Butterflyfern · 27/11/2024 15:43

Is the relationship otherwise good? Genuinely have a good long think about whether it is.

If so, then how about skipping the proposal and just suggest booking a wedding venue and getting on with it? His reaction will tell you a lot I think.

It's so tough now you've already got children, but I couldn't respect a man who wasn't prepared to join assets and jointly provide a stable home for the children. (I know being married doesn't matter when times are good, but when something goes wrong it does matter and i don't understand not wanting to guard against that)

heldinadream · 27/11/2024 15:43

You intend to get married, you've been together ages and have a child, I don't actually understand why you need a proposal and a ring?
Just decide on a date for the wedding and start organising it. If he protests you have your answer - he doesn't want to marry you.
I hope he does and I hope you've set a date before the thread finishes!

FloralCrown · 27/11/2024 15:43

You've got a few options:

  1. Phone the local registry office, find out when they next have availability, go and get married.
  1. Book an appointment with a local solicitor and your DP, go and sort everything legally that marriage would give you (equal share of possessions and pensions, POA, NOK etc) This is likely to be more expensive than option 1.
  1. Leave

If he wants to marry you, he'll marry you. If he wants you to have all the legal benefits of marriage without actually being wed to you, he'll do that and if he doesn't want to do either, but they're important to you, then your only option is 3.

It really is that simple.

SleepyHippy3 · 27/11/2024 15:44

Marriage is one of the biggest life altering events in your life, and yet as women we are still conditioned to believe that only the man can decide when the time is right?. If you want to marry this man ask him to marry you. You are 2 grown up, fully functioning mature adults. How is it fair that this decision is only his to make? You already have a child together, a house together, and yet you have to hang around for him to ask you to get hitched? That make no sense. Take control and asK him to marry you.

SleepyHippy3 · 27/11/2024 15:45

FloralCrown · 27/11/2024 15:43

You've got a few options:

  1. Phone the local registry office, find out when they next have availability, go and get married.
  1. Book an appointment with a local solicitor and your DP, go and sort everything legally that marriage would give you (equal share of possessions and pensions, POA, NOK etc) This is likely to be more expensive than option 1.
  1. Leave

If he wants to marry you, he'll marry you. If he wants you to have all the legal benefits of marriage without actually being wed to you, he'll do that and if he doesn't want to do either, but they're important to you, then your only option is 3.

It really is that simple.

Or there’s the 3rd option, just ask him to marry her?

TTPDTS · 27/11/2024 15:47

He's made so many commitments already - house, child, choosing to be with you.

You've always been clear you see marriage - has he? What has he always said?

I agree, a proposal at this point is from pressure - you've had to have huge "raw" discussions to even get to this point. Why haven't you proposed to him?

If you're repeatedly bringing it up, talking about it and putting pressure on him, yet he's still not made moves - is it even what he wants?

Original poster
Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 15:47

I've lead the way for most of our relationship moves ( buying house , trying for child , moving in together ) whilst I don't doubt he wanted these things ( just didn't know how to go about them ) this is the one thing I will not do for him. If it's not coming from him I don't want it , I feel it's the one gesture that he should take ownership of.. and this is why the situation hurts so much because it's not happening.

Ps I appreciate all the responses, have given me food for though

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/11/2024 15:50

But the thing is OP even if he proposed tomorrow you know now it’s because of pressure rather than an actual desire from him to do it, so what is the way forward now?

The reality is he’s had 7 years, a child, a house, and the money to buy a ring for all of that time. If he wanted to then he would have. After 2 years of serious chats he still hasn’t. If he does now then you know it’s because you told him to so what is the way forward that would make you happy?

heldinadream · 27/11/2024 15:51

What do you mean you won't do this for him? Do you seriously think it's a man's job to propose? In 2024?
Why?
Really doesn't require a penis to do this @Imammaaama !

mayhayway42 · 27/11/2024 15:53

Yea it gets bigger than the proposal itself. You want them to want it.

If you have explained calmed and clearly and he's still not listening than perhaps the relationship is over

YouNeedSocks · 27/11/2024 15:55

Set a deadline to go to the registry office and get it sorted. It's just a legal arrangement at the end of the day. The rest is just socially pressured nonsense.

mitogoshigg · 27/11/2024 15:56

Is it the symbolism you want eg ring, big ceremony in front of friends and family or is it being actually married, the legal aspect? If the latter you decide between you to get married, book registry and get get married

Original poster
Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:01

The wedding means something to me,
but I know he doesn't want this so we have spoken about ways to compromise like a small ceremony and big party.
He has a big family and lots of people who could be helping him with this.
I do want a proposal because I have birthed his child and moved my life to be with him. I feel like I deserve this!

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 27/11/2024 16:04

You have to get romantic notions of marriage out of your head if you have children first. Marriage is about protecting your family status legally once you already have children together.
I understand you wanting him to want it too, but what if he doesn’t? Are you prepared to leave? Have you looked at how that would work? Can you financially afford this and be okay for childcare etc.? Could you co-parent together? Would you be okay with having Christmas morning without your child on his years if that’s your contact arrangement?
And if he doesn’t want to get married but you realise you have to stay for whatever reasons, are you prepared to be the one to push for it? It may be you don’t even get a ring. You book a date and the day off work and go and get it done.
If it’s something you really want then you need to make it happen. If with a date and quick, cheap ceremony booked and no pressure to propose on him or to buy you a ring you find he still resists then the reality is he just isn’t prepared to marry you.

ThatTealViewer · 27/11/2024 16:09

I find these sorts of posts fascinating, as they indicate how differently people communicate in their relationships.

From my perspective, I don’t even fully understand how this happens.

You: I want to get married in X timeframe. Do you?

Him: Yes

You: I would like a traditional proposal. Are you happy with that?

Him: Yes

Timeframe passes.

You: Why haven’t you proposed?

Him: …?

LetGoLetThem1234 · 27/11/2024 16:09

@Imammaaama he hasn't asked, because he doesn't want to get married. His actions. You have been the driver in this relationship by your own admission. This is the relationship dynamics. After this amount of time I suspect that this would be near impossible to alter/reverse. He's happy with the current set up.

Your choices have been clearly outlined by PPs.

Quite why he's so passive is really the question. And why do you feel that you have to provide all the direction and energy in the relationship? I would find that exhausting and disillusioning personally. But we're all different.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/11/2024 16:09

Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:01

The wedding means something to me,
but I know he doesn't want this so we have spoken about ways to compromise like a small ceremony and big party.
He has a big family and lots of people who could be helping him with this.
I do want a proposal because I have birthed his child and moved my life to be with him. I feel like I deserve this!

But do you want a proposal that he feels he has to do? Because that’s all you’re going to get now, so if that isn’t going to be enough for you (and I don’t blame you) then really you’re at a dead end here.

It’s a bit like being surprised with a bunch of flowers vs asking for some flowers. Yes in both cases you get the flowers but it means far more for him to have popped past the florist and thought “ah she’ll love these” and surprise you with them than for you to say “Go get me some flowers from the shop” and him going to get them. It’s really the thought that counts but after 7 years, 2 of serious chats, all you’re going to get now is the “go get me some flowers from the shop” kind of proposal, are you happy with that?

ThatTealViewer · 27/11/2024 16:12

Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:01

The wedding means something to me,
but I know he doesn't want this so we have spoken about ways to compromise like a small ceremony and big party.
He has a big family and lots of people who could be helping him with this.
I do want a proposal because I have birthed his child and moved my life to be with him. I feel like I deserve this!

What’s his explanation for not having proposed, yet? I apologise if you’ve already said and I missed it.

Original poster
Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:14

ThatTealViewer · 27/11/2024 16:12

What’s his explanation for not having proposed, yet? I apologise if you’ve already said and I missed it.

Show quote history

That he's not good at these things and hasn't found time. Didn't realise how much time had passed and doesn't know where to start. Acknowledges this isn't a great excuse ...

OP posts:
Marypoppinss · 27/11/2024 16:17

You are desperate to marry him yet you are thinking about leaving him?

Sounds like marriage is more important to you than the relationship.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 27/11/2024 16:21

I would leave. I think as soon as you do he will wake up, realise he's been taking you for granted, and propose. You'll take your self- esteem back by doing that. If you stay then resentment will eat away at you and kill the relationship.

Original poster
Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:25

Marypoppinss · 27/11/2024 16:17

You are desperate to marry him yet you are thinking about leaving him?

Sounds like marriage is more important to you than the relationship.

Yeah I think it's more about me have expectations in my relationship that are not being met so prioritising my own happiness and self estsem in considering leaving

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 27/11/2024 16:25

Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 16:14

That he's not good at these things and hasn't found time. Didn't realise how much time had passed and doesn't know where to start. Acknowledges this isn't a great excuse ...

Show quote history

"I love you so much, will you marry me?" doesn't exactly take a great deal of time does it? The problem is that you have dragged him along with all the other big decisions in the relationship and you don't want to have to drag him along in this, you want him to love you and hate the idea of losing you so much it motivates him to want to do this one thing unprompted.

But relationship history shows he won't. What would his life be like if you didn't drag him along and what would your life look like if you had a partner that was enthusiastic about progressing with you? Be honest OP, would you be happy having to "parent" this man for the rest of time, or do you want someone proactive about the life you share.