Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

Why?
Also, the 'traditional' ship sailed 7 years ago.

Does he have more assets/money than you? Is he hesitant because of financial risk?
Suggest a prenuptial agreement if so.

This won't go down well at all on here but I completely agree.

Why women have children and mortgages with a man before marriage if marriage is something they want is beyond me.

Wow people really aren't afraid to be rude haha .

Luckily I don't feel the need to justify muy desires to strangers ...

ask a stupid question and all that, OP.

He doesn’t want to get married @Imammaaama.

Pressuring him into a reluctant proposal isn’t going to give you validation and appreciation you are looking for. You know yourself it will be less about love and more about shutting you up.

I'm.not referring to these comments, I do understand that he likely just doesn't want to.

I'm referring to the people sharing nasty opinions about the way I have chosen to live my life, bringing all sorts of politics into it when at the end of the day it's not anyone else's decisions? So quick to comment on the terrible traditions and patriarchy but absolutely not bothered about bringing a woman down for the way she chooses to live her life... it's hilarious and clearly nastiness masked as progressiveness 😂😂

It would be good if he would open up to you @Imammaaama and just be honest about why he doesn't want to be married. Not that it would be an invitation to persuade him or present counter arguments, but just so you would know what the barrier was.

What is clear is that you're not happy with things as they are, and he is.

Lots of posters have real bee in their bonnet about THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. Some threads read like the 1950s.

Also I'm so interested in what I assume is a mainly female platform there is a lot of male biased opinions here.
Why does our collective decision to have family before marriage mean that I now am no longer deserving of a romantic proposal and I absolutely must march him to a registry office to sign a contract with as little joy attached to this as possible?

I think at the end of the day women are allowed to have their own ideas and expectations around engagements/proposals and neither way is wrong or right. If it’s what they want then that’s not much to ask I think.

some people don’t want it, want their dad to be asked etc and that’s their choice. But…some of us do…

I think the problem is, he has no incentive to get married as you are already living as if you are. Nothing will change so it’s not that a priority to him.

I mean he should want to because it’s important to you but I think most men simply don’t do the organising unless it’s really important to them.

"deserving"? Are those who get a romantic proposal somehow better than those who don't?

FWIW I don't think it matters that you had a family first. Marriage is a legal contract whenever you do it.

Whether people agree with the way you've done/are doing/want to do things - the issue is obviously that his lack of action is a problem for you, and I think that's understandable! You're thinking, if he wanted to marry you, why hasn't he proposed?

Because you want marriage and he doesn’t. So it served him to have a child knowing he’d never have to marry you. You wanted both but had a child first and you now have more to lose if you decide marriage is a dealbreaker.

The possible gynae issues thing is completely irrelevant. You decided to ttc, you had however long it took you to conceive, you had 9 months of pregnancy. At any point along the way you could have told him you were very serious about getting married before the baby was born.

You didn’t and I think it’s understandable that because you didn’t he can be forgiven for thinking it wasn’t that important to you.

So you tell him now you that you really are serious, you’ll consider splitting up and neither of you being with your child full time, and you risk him saying fine, he’s off.

You have a few options:

You can march him to the registry and get the legal protection of marriage.
Or you can break up.
Or you can keep flogging this dead horse for as many years as you want.

The option of him proposing by himself, showing appreciation and care for your feelings... this option is not available.

If he has savings, his own house, a pension Etc then there is a huge financial risk for him to get married, and for most men, once you have a child and live with your partner, marriage changes very little, and only makes him more financially vulnerable.

Even if he did propose tomorrow, it wouldn't be because he really really wanted to but its a way to shut down the conversation. And I would also expect a VERYYYY long engagement!

Nobody is "bringing you down", you started the discussion. You want a very traditional proposal, including the feudal paternal permission. Your choice. However. He's not on the same page. Why not? Because you're not some traditional, sheltered girl living at home with conservative values. You're cohabiting and you have a child. Fine. Your choice. However, you can see how your partner may not be on that kind of wavelength. The two scenarios don't match.
You want to get married? Talk to him and book the venue.

But actually people can do whatever they want in their own relationships they don't have to follow a rule book or order of service?

That's exactly what your partner is thinking.
"Why should I do a traditional proposal?"

Well he hasn't actually ever said that, or said he isn't going to?
He has never told me he is against any of my wishes ?

He just hasn't done it yet ...

Communication is the key here. What's more important at this stage. A romantic proposal or a wedding.

Would you be happy if you both agreed, right we are engaged, let's book the wedding for the summer

Right. Goodness.
So he is up for it? The whole shebang?
Then why hasn't he done it?

Why does our collective decision to have family before marriage mean that I now am no longer deserving of a romantic proposal

It doesn't OP
You probably richly deserve the whole fairytale, bells and whistles included, but the issue is that he clearly doesn't think so

... and I absolutely must march him to a registry office to sign a contract with as little joy attached to this as possible?

Sorry, but the constant "just go to a registry office" seems a bit silly anyway.
How are you supposed to do that with someone who simply doesn't want to marry ... put a ring through their nose perhaps, or knock them senseless?

Actually people can do whatever they want in their own relationships

Edited to add you're spot on there though, and he at least is doing
You badly want to get married, he apparently doesn't so it's not happened

You haven't liked the way this thread is going so I'll put my head above the parapet - why do you think he hasn't asked your dad and then proposed on bended knee with an engagement ring in his pocket if he knows how important it is to you?