Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

Yes it is. I comprehend it perfectly well, thanks.

I don't know if it's really that much easier to leave a relationship where you own property and have children together but aren't married than one where you are. Either way you're going to have to untangle commitments. FWIW we got married because it was the easiest way to sort out the legal arrangements for when one of us dies - how romantic! But otherwise it didn't really make much difference as the house is in both names, we're both on the children's birth certs, named pension beneficiaries etc..

Edit - typos

What are you not understanding?! It’s the intention BEHIND the proposal she wants! She wants him to be that excited and that happy about it that he plans something nice. I don’t think that’s much to ask! She wants to FEEL that he WANTS to be with her and that he will therefore make a big deal out of it.

This exactly. Can't emphasise enough it's not about an expensive ring or a fancy proposal.
It's about being given something he has taken time to pick for me, and a genuine display of love.
It takes a brave man but it's certainly not a 'fairytale.' It happens plenty.
And the display of love isn't any less meaningful because we already have a child and a house..

What do you mean by "a display of love"?
Something private and meaningful, or something to display to other people?
Is he not very loving or thoughtful?

Oh private absolutely. It's between us.

People are suggestion the OP just ask him to marry her. But she already has. They've had many conversations where she has said she wanted to get married and he didn't say, 'Yes, let's do it'.

The only option now is the ultimatum of saying she's off if he doesn't marry her. Not how anyone wants their marriage to start.

How do you propose she makes him feel something that he doesn’t feel? Perhaps she should train him like a sealion throwing him little bit of fish every day whilst he barks with excitement?

WHAT?what a weird post!…stop being so obtuse.

Intent either exists so it doesn’t. I’m not being obtuse I’m just saying he either wants to or he doesn’t. What she wants is irrelevant.

I think the thing to think about is whether your partner shows love and care for you on a daily basis. How does he interact with your child? Is he loving and kind and thoughtful generally? Do you feel you want to spend your life with him? Those things are the most important. Don’t throw it away because he’s not making marriage a priority.

This is the crux of the issue - it sounds like he's been a bit of a passenger in the relationship and you see a proposal initiated by him as his opportunity to demonstrate he's equally as committed and not just going along for the ride.
I can understand why, if he doesn't do this you'd be considering walking away - it's not the ring or the instragram moment, it's him getting off his arse and showing you what you mean to him.
It sounds like the proposal has become a symbol for his commitment, and recognition that it takes two to make a relationship work.
So an ultimatum might work, if it spurs him into action - but anything beyond a deadline / ultimatum (ie; picking the ring etc) would probably not give you what you're looking for in terms of him showing some initiative.
Would you really be prepared to walk away though if you gave him an ultimatum and he didn't deliver?

I agree with this.
But @Imammaaama is being the driver in the relationship something you want in a partner or would you ideally have someone who shares the load more in terms of driving decisions? Because actually, if he’s pretty passive you might simply have unrealistic expectations about what he’s capable of - this might not be about him not being committed or even not wanting to marry you - it may be a reflection of his inability to make big decisions, perhaps he’s indecisive, afraid, lazy etc. and generally and you’ve managed to gloss over that so far in your relationship but now you actually want him to step up and do something, you’re seeing his flaws more clearly? You’re effectively asking for a switch in roles in the relationship for this one thing, and he’s coming up wanting.

I have an old friend like this. His wife had been the sole driver in the entire relationship. She proposed (after seven years of LDR), arranged the wedding, spearheaded buying their house, did all the arranging of IVF when it emerged they couldn't conceive naturally, ran the household, raised the kids while working FT etc while he came home from work and pottered.

You know what the first thing he spontaneously did in the entire course of their relationship? Tell her he wanted a divorce. On holiday. (It turned out he'd had an affair, and even that was initiated by the other person.)

He's now in a cohabiting relationship with someone else, and, after a couple of initial months of him dashing off for spontaneous weekends in Vienna etc, he's settled right back into just being the one who potters, while anything that needs doing in the relationship or the household is done by his girlfriend.

TL;DR -- some people are just passengers.

Why haven't you proposed to him? Just get on and ask him to marry you. He can either say yes or no.

I want him to propose to me !

It's understandable that you want your partner to want to marry you, but from what you have told us, there is no indication that he does. There are a number of possible reasons:

he has moral or philosophical objections to marriage

he already has a wife somewhere and has not got round to divorcing

he likes the life he has (settled home life, company, sex, a child) but feels no particular romantic attachment to you and has no serious worry about you walking away, so he does not see being married as important

he thinks, deep down, that someone better may come along

he does not want to spend big money on a wedding. You could deal with that issue by not insisting on a big expensive wedding.

Because she wants a proposal as some evidence of 'feeling' from him, not out of a desire to be married. And like many of the exact same 'I'm waiting for a proposal and it's not happening' posts on here, it's because the relationship is years in, and involves a shared child and a house, and the days of the kind of untrammeled feelings the OP wants evidence of are in the past. This is already a committed relationship, so arranging an elaborate surprise proposal makes literally no sense, because it's not a matter of not knowing what the OP is going to say, it's a matter of her requiring some kind of 'reward' for the compromises etc of the last seven years.

I notice in all these 'waiting for a proposal' posts that the social meaning of a proposal has changed completely. It's now very often some kind of prize wished for by women who have compromised far too much for the relationship they're in.

I understand the desire to be proposed to (rather than having to propose to the other) as the proposal itself shows a will and want to be with a partner for life. Hence, if you are proposed to, it gives security of mind that your partner loves you and wants to be with you.

I am certainly not against people who wish to propose rather than waiting for their partner to do it, but I understand where the OP is coming from as she wants that confirmation of love from her partner after having his child.

My DH didn't do any "romantic" proposal my way (and if the OP has known wishes and desires of how it's "meant to be done" that her DP knows about that's pretty stressful!) My DH just turned around one day and said: "Maybe we ought get married...want to get married?" 16 years later...

I understand the want to be proposed to. Be careful not to make it into a massive deal though OP as a proposal with "rules" is pretty intimidating.

Anyway, I wish you the best.🌺

Damn right i deserve my reward and I'm not ashamed to say that.

I'm all in favour of rewards, fun and pleasure, but I think this 'proposal as man's reward to woman' (for what, exactly, though?) thing just doesn't work.

Proposals come from the other end of a relationship -- the excited, new, 'will this person want to commit to me?' stage. You have a child and a house together and seven years as a couple under your belt. You may not be love's young dream any more, but you're thoroughly committed. Being focused on someone proposing to you at this stage in your relationship is like wanting to time-travel. If you want to marry him, just arrange it. If you don't think he loves you or treats you well, that's another matter, but marrying him won't improve the relationship in any way other than legally/economically.

I see it that he is proposing that we get married? That's what a proposal is? Asking me to marry him ?
We are not yet married we haven't yet been through that experience, yes we have the commitment but we haven't yet had a marriage so nothing is taken away from the proposal .
When we get married we will exchange vows in front of our family and friends and celebrate our love on that day( and also do the legal bit) . This can be done at any point in life or in a relationship.

The most important thing is here that OP's partner knows about how she feels about the proposal and marriage / wedding BUT chooses not to do it out of laziness and hesitation.... That would be a deal breaker for me. He knows it hurts her feelings but he rather keeps this status quo and just be content being her boyfriend whilst having all the wife work done for him.

But he has no need to marry you really, he has committed to the relationship already by owning a house with you and having a child together.

I'm a little bit confused by some of your statements, on one hand you say you ' absolutely want a private do, its between us ' and the next statement is about exchanging vows in front of your family and friends.

If you want to marry him, you will need to propose to him by the sounds of things. forget the 'traditional proposal' - This is the only way you will get engaged and even then, as I have said before, don't expect it to be a short engagement unless you take the reigns and organise the wedding yourself.

Sorry just to clarify , private proposal. Family wedding.