Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

The ship has sailed a bit but given you are where you are… I would force a conclusion either way

if he is a good man, the relationship is good and it’s just can’t plan anything… you may have to do the work

you will have to drive it and it won’t be romantic but you will be married and legally protected

I would :

• go To a jeweler you won’t buy the ring from and try on styles to find out what you like and what’s in budget roughly.
• go to a jeweller near you with him and find a style of ring you want / can live with and find it within an hour or so. Dont pick a crazy expensive one.
• if he wants to officially proposed give him a Deadline. “You can propose when you like but if you haven’t by Easter I’ll just wear the ring and tell people after Easter”
• discuss wedding dates and get him to agree something/anything “June could be good” etc will do
• book a registry office and find a restaurant or bar nearby (reduces heavy wedding planning and removes its too expensive as an objection)

you need to accept there will be no fairy tale proposal and remember a dream wedding does NOT make a dream marriage. It feels massive at the time but it’s a small part of your life story

You’ve gone along with, even pushed for, all of the other milestones in your relationship without making any of them conditional on marriage. Why? You can see from his perspective that while you’ve said marriage is important you haven’t prioritised it over the other things you’ve wanted and done.

Now you’re considering leaving him over it, suggesting things aren’t otherwise that good between you.

He’s shown himself to be lacking in initiative, you’ve accepted that, you now also have to accept he’s not going to become the person you wish he was and you’re not going to get this magical proposal you’re hankering after without stage managing it for him. And what would that actually mean to you? It sounds a bit embarrassing.

If you’re really going to dump him because he won’t propose you should tell him.

That’s clearly ridiculous, my lovely.

So, basically, this man doesn’t want to marry you. He might propose eventually, but that’s the situation. It’s perfectly acceptable to be fine with that, and hang in there. However, it’s certainly not what I’d advise a friend to do.

My husband was EXCITED to marry me, as I was him. I think everyone deserves that. And this man can’t give it to you.

Risky strategy if he decides he’s ended up where he is because she’s been pushing for all of it and he’s happy apart with his child part time.

Sounds like the grand gesture of a proposal from the man, is more important than the marriage. I just don’t understand this.

He cannot win and you will be miserable either way this shakes down.

Miserable if you remain unmarried because you wanted to be married
Miserable if he proposes because you now feel it is forced.

You knew you were with a man who is not the sort of person to arrange and organise things from the outset. Why is this the hill you will die on?

Imagine yourself 12 months down the line, are you engaged because you went ring shopping together and have talked about the wedding you want? Or are you separated, shipping your child between houses and waking up without her because that is the reality of you leaving.

Grow the hell up, you have a house and a child, stop stamping your feet expecting a proposal. This man has shown you who he is from day one. Stop expecting something from him that he is failing to give you without your input. You are meant to be a team working toward a successful relationship. Go ring shopping. Dh and I did just that, talked, agreed, went ring shopping. That was 27 years ago. No down on one knee, I knew he loved me because he showed me every day.

I think what she wants is for him to want to marry her, iyswim? And the fact that he claims he does, but his actions tell a different tale, must be quite frustrating.

Honestly while on a practical level I see this can make sense, it sounds absolutely awful. Dragging someone into marriage is never ever going to end well.

It would have been easy for him to
Simply say. "I love you, marry me, can we ring ship together"

I get it op. What does success look like here. You propose and he agrees and then you drag him ring shopping and plan a wedding. Ie you wore him down. It's not exactly what every little girl dreams of.

I think I'd take a sort of mental step back from the relationship and never mention it again.

OP, if he wanted to marry you he would have by now. You either need to accept not being married, or, if you can't, make plans to leave.

You ( and countless other women) have made life difficult for yourself and created a problem by having a child and buying a house with a man who hasn't demonstrated a full commitment.

The ring should have been on your finger before you built a whole life with him OR you should have made an agreement that you weren't going to marry and have taken care of all the legal stuff.

You are in a no win situation now as others have pointed out.

Are you happy apart from the lack of proposal?

I was in your situation (minus having a child together). Together 7 years. Started talking seriously 2 years ago about wanting a proposal. I thought it was never coming. He sounds a bit like your OH. Disorganised, not realising how much time has passed (I mean, 7 years... its a long time, but the time together has flown!). I had started to feel the same as you. That he couldn't possibly want to marry me. That it, and I, didn't mean enough to him.
Anyway, he totally took me totally by surprise this summer. He not only got me a ring (a ring I'd pointed out to him as nice previously!) but he managed to get it on holiday with us (if you knew how disorganised he was, you'd be as surprised as I was that he pulled it off) and proposed.
From the moment he proposed, he was full steam ahead. He has totally taken the lead in the planning. Within 2 weeks we had a venue and a date booked. Quickly followed by photographer, DJ, wedding dress, suit fittings etc. We are getting married less than 12 months after the proposal.
The reason I'm saying this is that in retrospect, I now know that I was wrong about him and what he wanted. He was right all along - he kept saying that there was no point in a proposal unless we were in a position to marry, but that he did want marriage at some point. He didn't want a registry office and a meal, which I kept saying I'd be more than happy with. He wanted a full celebration, the big day so to speak. We are in that financial position now, but only just. And he was right. This has just been so lovely and special planning it all together. I really did question our relationship. I thought about ending it because I convinced myself he wasn't "all in".
I hope my story gives you a little hope. I don't have any gems of wisdom. But I do hope it goes the way you want.

Yeah sorry but this.

DP proposed to me after 2 years together, he'd saved behind my back for a ring and got down on one knee on a random Monday night after work.

We booked the wedding that week.

It really doesn't take much effort at all if he wants to do it.

If your DP has got the money AND you've got a house and a child together (we had none of these!!!) then there is seriously no excuse whatsoever.

Exactly.

Never get way of thinking, boggles my mind.

If he proposes @Imammaaama who will then lead on booking and organising it all? Sounds like that will be down to you too.

All he has to say is “will you marry me” whilst you’re doing the washing up and you’d be happy? Surely he needs to not only propose, with a ring and having put some thought into it, but he then needs to proactively book whatever wedding you’re agreed on. Otherwise he’s just said some words at you to dig himself out of an argument.

No, unfortunately I don’t see an ultimatum ever working and then he will only have asked because you gave him one. Never give someone an ultimatum as it can seriously backfire on you.

Stop,asking and talking about it. Seriously stop. He needs to feel like it’s his idea and in his time and with constant serious nagging he doesn’t have that window. I have said this to many many women in your situation and have heard from many many men that they won’t ask under pressure. Guess what, as soon as it was let go the proposal happened.

But honestly you are living together with a house and a child. He has the marriage without being married. He may only be doing it for you and if it was that deal breaking you should have put that first rather than go down this road and now have a child together but might want to leave because he isn’t working to your schedule.

The gesture is really important to me at this stage yes.
I think it's okay to want this . Many people have this. Many relationships experience this. Why are people acting like it's so strange to want to be proposed to it's very common??

Are you sure you really want to be married? If you've got all your finances protected (house, pension rights etc), why is it necessary? It's not just a pretty dress and a party, you know! It's a man-made state, created to protect a man's property.

i wasn't entirely serious.
having read OPs posts - there is no winning here.

My advice now: split up, sell the house. There is nothing he can do at this stage that will satisfy you.

and many don't. You need to be clear in a relationship. You have been clear that you want to marry, but you have done all the things without clarifying this.

He can't win now, and you will continue to feel resentful. Best cut your losses now, tbh.

I can't help thinking that a plain old 'will you marry me' is not going to be enough (he probably thinks this), and that he thinks he's got to do some grand gesture like on top of a mountain or bursting out of a cake! This coupled with feeling awkward about proposing generally is probably stopping him.

It doesn't sound like he wants to marry you. If he did, he would have done something about it before now.

Marriage is one of the biggest life altering events in your life

Not if you already have a child and live together. I can’t see how marriage makes one iota of difference in this scenario.

If he wanted to propose, he would have. I think you either have to accept he won’t, or just mutually agree to get married.

I must be coming across very wrong here , we have discussed that I don't want a fuss there is no pressure for a grand gesture. He told me this was a factor holding him back.
We have a very modest lifestyle and all I want is to celebrate my love with my family around me ...