Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

I will never understand the 'we don't have money to get married' mentality. A ring and an expensive wedding at not a requirement for getting married. It doesn't need to cost much at all to just get married, about £60 to £110 and a couple of witnesses. Job done.

And some of us do actually enjoy having a shag and then moving onto the next person

Because for many, the getting married bit is not as important as the dress and the whole party/show.

It's not the dress it's not the show it's the bringing people together to celebrate a happy occasion.

Maybe you have small families and don't understand the importance of these kind of events in bringing families together.

You live together, have a child, why the need for 'the proposal' can you not just agree to arrange a wedding?
It seems quite a new thing to expect the big proposal.

You have to ask yourself if lack of a big/surprise proposal is something you can get past.

If you sit down with him and agree you are engaged and getting married in day June 2025, would you be ok with this

Or maybe other people understand the legal and commitment issues of buying a house and having children before getting married and prioritise that above a family party. The party can be delayed until money is available.

That's the whole point? We have delayed it?

I am so surprised that you end your post saying you are considering leaving. I wouldn't be hoping to get a proposal from someone I was thinking of leaving. If I thought our relationship was in enough trouble that I might leave, there's no way I'd agree to marry him. So those two things don't make sense to me.

If you've been together 7 years and have a child, the relationship should be mature enough to discuss and agree mutually to get married and organise the type of wedding you both want.

You either believe he is committed to you or you don't.
Don't confuse a "proposal" with marriage and commitment. If all you want is the Instagram photos flashing the ring like you've seen others have, then you're missing the point and I can see why he might not feel like staging all that if it's for the wrong reasons.

I already have my child and house ... this comment is no use to me 😀
I didn't post this to get opinions on the order of my life events.
I was looking for advice about the position I am currently in . I dont have a time machine unfortunately. In response to skyrainlight

I wasn't in a position to pay for a wedding at that time and having my family at my wedding is very important to me.

FFS. What is it you want? To be married or ‘have a wedding’?

You bought the house and bore the child. Unless he wants you to be his wife, why would he want to marry you?

Be clear about what you want and hopefully his wants align with yours. But you’d better have a backup plan, just in case.

I think you're getting some very harsh responses here. My take on what you're saying is here's someone you thought wanted a life with you and knows you'd really value getting married and that moment of being proposed to (be it a big or small gesture) but is actively ignoring this. I think it's a red flag in itself that he's choosing not to meet your needs in this way (and more importantly, not proactively communicating about why not). Does that sound like the kind of man you want to marry?

Honestly I'd give myself 6 months or so to get myself in a position to leave if I wanted to and if he hasn't done it by then, I'd be off.

That's not the point. Getting married and having a wedding are not the same thing. The party aspect can be delayed, the legal marriage can happen before buying a house and having children for minimal cost.

There's nothing wrong at all with what you want, OP, but your real issue is that he doesn't want it too, and his "excuses" are puerile because the only real alternative would be to come straight out and say it

TBH I wouldn't have been quite so willing to drive the things you've got so far either, mainly because I'd be expecting him to bail out when he found the one he really wanted to marry

He's made his own position clear though, so the next move can only be yours

I have a large family and understand but the thing is no one can help with what you want

what you want is for him to be a man he just isn’t - you want him to suddenly take charge and from everything you’ve said he just isn’t that person. He’s just not.

I get it, it’s crap that he’s so passive but that’s who he is

No one can tell you how to change him because it’s simply not possible

so the only thing you can change is your response to him

@WalterdelaMare look up the differences between just cohabitation and the legal contract of marriage on citizens advice website for what protections the contract gives.
There's lots of difference between legally single boyfriend and girlfriend sharing a house, and marriage contract.

I made it clear to my then-boyfriend that I would absolutely not be just a girlfriend to any man after years of dating, and I was fine to walk away. Hanging about waiting for a bloke- nope. (We've been married for about 15 years)

'If he wanted to, he would'

I have a small family and husband has a large one. We managed to bring them all together to celebrate the happy occasion of our wedding. Lots of joy. No proposal required. We just arranged our wedding and invited them- it was simple. We already had a child and a house - we'd had a lot of big "moments" together. A contrived outdated moment where he pretended to ask for my hand in marriage when we had already committed to a life and family together just wasn't relevant for us.

Propose to him. I have no idea why some women think that decisions about marriage is up to the man.
Or just think, you don't need a proposal, just discuss when you are going to get married.
However. I don't think he wants that.

If a man hasn't proposed after 7 years, then to my mind, he doesn't want to marry. If a man genuinely wants marriage and is in love, then he will propose in a reasonable timeframe. You have a child, a house, had several emotional conversations regarding marriage, yet he's still not asked. If he does, will this be because he really wants to marry you or because he's under pressure from you to ask?! You'll never know! All the big changes in your relationship - the children and house buying - have all been instigated by you, he's not pushed for those things with you at all, you have. He just seems to have gone along with it all. Personally, I would forego the grand gesture of a proposal, he's not likely to do this, and ask him to help you book a date for the wedding. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

OP, it sounds like it's not the marriage/being married you want but the party with your family to show them you are settled and happy. Separate the two. Get married in a registry office very soon, quietly. Then have a party-when it isn't officially a wedding the costs will be lower and you can better afford it with all the big family you want to invite. Your partner is never going to do the grand big gesture, and I suspect having been with him this long you know that. So the question is whether having the grand gesture is more important to you than the happy life it sounds like you are content with the rest of the time?

That's not an accurate portrayal. In this persons situation (and most people's situation who experience this) it's the female who wants marriage and the man is hesitant. Probably something to do with the fact that marriage for a man means significant financial burden for the next 20 or so years whilst women for the most part will be the ones to work part time / leave work etc to take care of the children. Men propose because men for the most part hold the keys to marriage (and I'd argue relationships in general) whilst women hold the keys to sex. It's not 100% always like this but for the most part it is and I believe thats why even today we still wait for men to propose.

In an adult relationship, no-one "hold the keys" to anything.
How about just discuss the future and reach an agreement like grown ups? Do you both want to get married, or not? That's what we did - me and my husband have been married for more than 35 years. No proposal, no ring. Just a mutual happy decision.

I agree with you, @SleepyHippy3 . It's a mutual decision.

You know how you have an idea of what your kids might look like and what their personalities will be when pregnant and when they are born they are the total opposite of what you imagined? This is kind of the same thing where maybe you need to let go of the proposal and wedding you imagined having and focus on the man you have a child with and your potential future together.

I get why you want him to be decisive and take control over the proposal but it sounds like he’s just not that kind of guy. I echo the posters that suggest getting a date booked and telling him that’s when you are getting married. He may relax about the whole thing once the pressure to propose is off.

I’m aware of the legalities, but the OP has made no mention of the financial or legal benefits.

She appears to be fixated on the proposal itself and the celebration with others, rather than the getting married. If the being married was crucial, you could go and do it with a couple of witnesses. Perhaps he’d be happier with that?

I think it’s a shame to break up a family for the sake of a proposal, unless of course the relationship is not a good one. If it’s not a good one, don’t get married! That never works.