Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

I would be careful. I read The Rules and yes they are old fashioned etc BUT something stuck out at me.

The authors met a woman whose partner did it all reluctantly; married, house, baby etc - but then he had an affair and said he REALLY fell in love. The Rules ladies asked the woman, 'did you push all this at him? Did you push for the ring, the house, the relationship moving from milestone to milestone?' 'Yes' was the answer. She did it. He did not. He was not really on board but he went along with it.

I'm sorry but my advice is to leave and next time check that he loves you all out and doesn' have to be chivvied. If I have ever chivvied (which I have), I have come to see that a) he isn't that invested or b) he doesn't have the bollocks. Neither is a good enough scenario. I'm sorry xxx

Our wedding cost £350. You could perfectly well have married before having a child if it was that important to you. Now, weirdly, you seem to think your partner ‘owes’ you a proposal as payback for having his baby.

Maybe this guy was in your life so you got your baby, but he is not meant for you long term...??

You have a child together so please don't leave an otherwise good relationship because of this. I agree with the idea of talking at a relaxed point and getting to where you have agreed (if you do want to stay together) and then just saying this matters, really matters to me but I'm not going to say anything more about it until after (say) Easter. Give yourself a break as well here. You may find he uses the pause to propose. And don't worry about forcing him... no man will genuinely be forced into proposing , they can avoid it forever ! I know very happy couples where post proposal and I suppose once the die was cast the man threw himself into the whole thing really enthusiastically and relaxed a lot. You're already committed but it's not too much to ask to follow through on the marriage discussion; my advice would be different if you had no children, but it's not worth disrupting what is otherwise a happy life... if it is. If the discussion is making you think twice about the relationship that's another thing.

Maybe you’re just reflecting what you see around you rather than what you really believe, but this is such a grim, outdated way to view relationships, and the strongest possible argument for encouraging women to develop their own careers and lives and not be hanging around waiting for a man to make them beholden to him.

I don’t want marriage, but I’ve been proposed to once by an ex, and had it made clear it was on table if I wanted it in my current relationship. Both times it wasn’t because I’d been chastely holding out, it was because I was my own interesting, capable person who was a catch on those grounds!

"The gesture is really important to me at this stage yes.
I think it's okay to want this . Many people have this. Many relationships experience this. Why are people acting like it's so strange to want to be proposed to it's very common??"

Sure, it's not uncommon - at a much earlier stage of a relationship. I totally get why you prioritised other things (we did too), but a marriage is much less permanent than a child. It's a bit weird to propose after you have a child. What is he proposing? He's proposing what you already have. Surely getting married is about celebrating the commitment you have already made, the love and the family you already have, rather than the promise of it? That's just how I see it.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite as we got married after a decade and I still wanted an engagement ring even though there was no proposal

it's not worth disrupting what is otherwise a happy life...

are you sure? Most women who have children end up being economically disadvantaged. The financial protection that marriage affords is real.

I’m with you @Imammaaama I waited 6 yrs and to be honest I never felt he asked me because he wanted to, I felt he asked because I had a meltdown the night before over it. He had no ring, he hadn’t asked my dad and I just had a feeling deep inside that it wasn’t good enough. Most of my friends had these wonderfully romantic proposals and I felt let down. Some people on here will say you don’t NEED a proposal etc etc…but if it’s what you WANT then I don’t think it’s much to ask. As for being the driver of most things you have both done. I did that, I’m now separated and I feel ultimately let down by it all but I blame myself too, I should have spoken my truth.

@Itgetsharder , I'm genuinely surprised that you wanted him to ask your dad. Really?
Without your dad's permission, would it not have gone ahead?
I think it's a shame that you had a meltdown because this was so important to you and he didn't really oblige. It sounds as if you were comparing your situation to those of your friends, and it didn't match up.

This. I could have written this myself.

Owning a house together is something friends can do to build equity. Having a child together is something one night stands can do. Getting married is a commitment. Ask yourself why he doesn't want to commit to a life with you and then make your decision about if you leave or not.

yeah I did, but not for the permission aspect in a sense, for the traditional aspect at the time, Wrongly or rightly I thought that it might be nice.

I think what happened was that you had a romantic construct - from films? Social media?, However this man didn't share it, nor did he think it was significant. Perhaps he felt it was just a bit old fashioned, asking the dad's permission and proposing marriage? You're right about the communication, though. Sorry it didn't work out.

He didn’t think that though, at least he never told me he thought that. He actually asked after the fact, which I thought was odd. And again Because I said “did you ask my dad?” I know my dad would have liked to have been asked. I don’t really think it matters where the construct comes from, it was just something I wanted and it didn’t happen that way. And for no good reasons imo. But yeah the communication was not our strong point. Turns out…good communication is imperative ! 😂😂

Definitely! I hope you've found someone on your wavelength!

I totally get the wanting to ask your dad, I want this to and I think it's because it's a tradition and being very close to my dad I think it would mean alot to him.
Not actually asking permission.. we are together anyway 😂 but just including him in things.

Oh no please don't do the "asking the dad"

It may be tradition but it's one that needs to go away. It's between you and your partner

Seriously? If your boyfriend is not asking permission, what on earth is he doing? Why would your father need to ‘be involved’ in a relationship that’s been underway for seven years and involves a house and a toddler? Why not ask your mother, or your best friend or get the family together for a live vote or something? You’d have to be so tone-deaf and reactionary to do this, it’s difficult to credit.

I agree, @Silenus , unbelievable. I would say that asking the father's permission sounds like they're a member of a particularly conservative religious community, but they're cohabiting and there's a toddler, so it can't be that.

Not everyone wants to get married it doesn’t have any reflection on depth of feelings or commitment

it’s very clear he doesn’t want to get married push it and tbh I think you’ll kill your relationship

more to the point why would you want to marry someone when you get to the ceremony standing next to the person you know doesn’t want to be there or do it and have just caved in to pressure to shut you up

Apologies to be so blunt but that’s it

You share a child and a house and want the old-fashioned big proposal date night? Think that ship has sailed but what does matter is being married for your future protection so, forget the meaningless gestures (which he's not going to do anyway) and just tell him you want to agree a wedding date with him and, if not, why not? Then sit back and see what happens. Decide beforehand what your bottom line is and don't waver. Carry on as you are and if/when he walks away you'll be left fighting for a home.

I felt he asked because I had a meltdown the night before over it. He had no ring, he hadn’t asked my dad and I just had a feeling deep inside that it wasn’t good enough.

we are never going to be rid of the patriarchy and have true equality as long as women say this kind of thing with a straight face.

Actions speak louder than words. He hasn't asked you to marry him as he does not want to marry you. Sorry to be harsh but he's had years and you gave away every bargaining chip.

It’s time to step into the 21st century. No woman needs a man to propose.

Did either of you consult with your dads before deciding to ttc? Or buying a house?