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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Age old proposal problems

217 replies

Imammaaama · 27/11/2024 15:35

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

OP posts:
Doitrightnow · 28/11/2024 17:16

After being with someone who I was desperate to marry but dragged out his proposal for years, I firmly believe that if a man wants to marry you he won't procrastinate like this.

Eventually he did a big fancy proposal (after five years of me waiting), but unfortunately I never truly believed he wanted it after that. It's not why we broke up but it didn't help and affected my self esteem a lot.

You've always known he's passive. I'd either accept him as he is and suggest going to the registry office on X date, or leave.

EmotionalSupportShotgun · 28/11/2024 17:39

A ring is not essential for either engagement or marriage.

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 17:50

I think partially laziness, partially hesitant.

OP posts:
Ithinkitsimpressive · 28/11/2024 17:53

hesitant about what?

Cardinalita90 · 28/11/2024 17:56

When you say laziness and hesitancy is that because he thinks you want some big elaborate, wedding-planner style proposal?

Thursdaygirl · 28/11/2024 18:05

EmotionalSupportShotgun · 28/11/2024 17:39

A ring is not essential for either engagement or marriage.

But it’s kinda nice though …

Tealeavesinthecup · 28/11/2024 18:07

I think a lot of men just don’t want the huge expense and pressure of a big wedding with all stops pulled out. They are nervous about buying a ring and the expense of that too. It’s become a very expensive circus with Hens abroad and all the rest of it. The prospect of that is quite overwhelming.

InterestQ · 28/11/2024 18:10

Of a large sample of my married friends, the women were ready to get married and get it done before their boyfriends. One - literally one couple - he proposed within a year and she was like God I don’t know if I’m there yet! - she was, they’re happy.

But everyone else I’ve discussed it with, their boyfriends just did not get any sense of urgency or why once their girlfriends realised they were the man for them, they should just get on with it. But these men are also like that about sorting school bags or filling the car with petrol before a long journey so 🤷‍♀️. Good jobs, loving dads who can do bathtime and stories at bedtime but need to be shown how, before they get on with it.

I think possibly let it go - the romantic proposal thing - one of the best weddings I ever went to was ceremony at church and pub next door straight after for champagne and fish and chips or a veggie option and it was wonderful. Not expensive but full of love and great speeches and a besotted couple. She had proposed to him on Leap Year and he was frankly relieved not to have to put the plan in his head together. He wanted to marry her but he didn’t know how big, how to propose, who to speak to, whether to ring shop with her - where? New? Vintage? Make a day of it? Order from Google?, or surprise her (what if she hates it, what if she only wants a surprise). Ask all those questions and it really pulls a surprise proposal apart to ragged shreds. She asked him, he said yes, they shopped for a ring after he told her the budget and she booked the church and pub and dress and he paid the bills. Perfectly happy functional couple.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/11/2024 18:23

He just hasn't done it yet ...

Because he doesn't want to. Actions speak louder than words OP. He knows your wishes, he is ignoring them.

Semiramide · 28/11/2024 18:30

My then fiancé and I got hitched at a register office with just a few relatives as witnesses. Afterwards we went to our favourite restaurant for a late lunch/early dinner. Been married nearly 50 years.

you don’t need a ‘wedding’ - you just want to be married. It’s the wanting that is crucial. I have no idea whether your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married full stop, or whether he just doesn’t want a big ‘do’. Have you asked him?

LetGoLetThem1234 · 28/11/2024 18:45

Oh, I think certainly OP has asked, and her partner has avoided giving a straight honest answer.

So @Imammaaama has given him lots of time and the benefit of doubt. Now time has gone on and it is clear, by his actions, he really doesn't want to get married.

He's not telling the OP the reason why he doesn't want to get married because the status quo, which he is very happy with, would be at risk.

Is it that he doesn't want to get married generally or doesn't want to get married to you? That's what I would want to know.

Shoxfordian · 28/11/2024 18:50

If he wanted to, he would

BookGoblin · 28/11/2024 18:54

Are you financially dependent on him
OP?

If you are, fix this immediately. If you're financially independent then don't compromise this by marrying him and putting your assets at risk.

Marypoppinss · 28/11/2024 19:02

BookGoblin · 28/11/2024 18:54

Are you financially dependent on him
OP?

If you are, fix this immediately. If you're financially independent then don't compromise this by marrying him and putting your assets at risk.

But it’s ok for him to marry her and put his assets at risk? ( he has a much higher paid job and lots more savings…)

This is why a lot of men, and I suspect OP’s OH is in no rush to get married.

It annoys the hell out of me that the common theme is ‘ marry him so you are financially protected for the future ‘ or…..’ don’t marry him you will put your assets at risk’

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/11/2024 19:07

Is it that he doesn't want to get married generally or doesn't want to get married to you? That's what I would want to know

I'd be very surprised if any frustrated would be bride has ever got a straight answer to that one, @LetGoLetThem1234; it would stand every chance of disrupting such men's current comforts and IME they don't want that

The crunch point often comes when they meet the one they really do want to marry, often leaving an ex bewildered by the speed with which it happens

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 19:10

I wish I could do a poll to see how many of the commenters of this post are married, when they married and what financial background they come from.
I suspect a lot of the judgey comments come from privileged spouses of high-school sweethearts.
My partner and I lived independent adult lives before we met , I think that changes the perspective on things.

OP posts:
mayhayway42 · 28/11/2024 19:14

Honestly op I don't understand why it does.

You live your life the way you want. Lots of women have babies and buy houses before marriage.

No one is saying you can't have the fairytale, but is the fairytale more important than the marriage.

Could uou be happy with him and not have a big proposal/ wedding or is it a deal breaker. Only you can answer this

Ithinkitsimpressive · 28/11/2024 19:18

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 19:10

I wish I could do a poll to see how many of the commenters of this post are married, when they married and what financial background they come from.
I suspect a lot of the judgey comments come from privileged spouses of high-school sweethearts.
My partner and I lived independent adult lives before we met , I think that changes the perspective on things.

no need to get snitty just because the thread isn’t going as you hoped. That’s the risk of posting on mumsnet

for the record I didn’t meet my DH until I was 29 & he was 28. He proposed within 3 months (not hugely romantically!). At that time I out earned him 2 to 1 and owned my own house. 24 years later he now out earns me 2 to 1 and the house is joint.

Skyrainlight · 28/11/2024 19:33

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 14:58

Also I'm so interested in what I assume is a mainly female platform there is a lot of male biased opinions here.
Why does our collective decision to have family before marriage mean that I now am no longer deserving of a romantic proposal and I absolutely must march him to a registry office to sign a contract with as little joy attached to this as possible?

People are suggesting the registry office because you said you never had money to get married before children and buying a house. And that you still don't have money for a wedding and would have to save. If you don't want to hear people's opinions, don't ask for them.

You honestly need to grow up. You are so focussed on your fairy tale romantic proposal you are considering tearing your family apart if you don't get it. That's fine if the relationship is bad, it he's not a good father, etc. But for lack of a romantic proposal, pathetic. Just grow up and tell him that not being married is a deal breaker (if that's the case) and then make plan to get married.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/11/2024 19:33

@Imammaaama I haven't RTFT, only your replies.

You're not wrong to want to be married, and to want him to propose.

And I get the sense that wanting him to propose is less about wanting a perfect romantic proposal like you see in the movies and more about wanting him to demonstrate that he is as committed to you as you are to him. Because it sounds like you've driven every other major decision the two of you have made.

The thing is though, it's quite easy to twist a man's arm to buy a house (which is, after all, a valuable asset for him), and even to have a baby (men don't like to take responsibility for contraception). So a lot of the time if you say, "let's buy a house, I've booked three viewings for next week", or, "I want a baby, I'm going to come off the pill and let's see what happens", they will just go along with it. But if you expect them to actually play an equal role in the decision making process, let alone take the lead, they just never will.

Assuming the truth isn't that he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want to be legally tied to you (which is less likely if you own property together), you could probably persuade him down the aisle. But you'll have to say, "Right, I've had enough of waiting, we're getting married next October, I've booked the registry office, here's a list of reception venues, do you want to help me pick one or shall I just go ahead and organise the whole thing myself?" You probably won't get an engagement ring either, unless you buy it yourself.

The thing is, you can't make him do these things. He has to want to do them, and it sounds like he just isn't bothered.

Different situation, but I recently forced someone to apologise to me for something. I absolutely deserved that apology and I was determined to get it, but in retrospect it wasn't really worth it because it wasn't spontaneous or heartfelt. And now I have to pretend to have moved on, forgive and forget, it's all ancient history, whatever, when actually it still rankles and probably always will. And that's how I think you'll feel if you twist his arm to get married and march him down the aisle. You'll always resent him a bit.

As for whether it's reason enough to leave, only you can make that decision. I don't know if I'd break up my child's family over it, but it probably depends on what the rest of your relationship is like.

If you don't want to leave him over it then I would at least get some legal advice to see whether marriage would put you in a stronger position, and what, if anything, you can do to give yourself more security without it. (Life insurance, wills, powers of attorney, pensions etc.) If you think you really ought to be legally married for those reasons, perhaps just frog marching him down to the registry office on a Tuesday lunchtime is the best outcome you can hope for.

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 20:10

Skyrainlight · 28/11/2024 19:33

People are suggesting the registry office because you said you never had money to get married before children and buying a house. And that you still don't have money for a wedding and would have to save. If you don't want to hear people's opinions, don't ask for them.

You honestly need to grow up. You are so focussed on your fairy tale romantic proposal you are considering tearing your family apart if you don't get it. That's fine if the relationship is bad, it he's not a good father, etc. But for lack of a romantic proposal, pathetic. Just grow up and tell him that not being married is a deal breaker (if that's the case) and then make plan to get married.

I appreciate genuine advice and suggestions as that's what I asked for , wether its what I'd like to hear or not , I don't appreciate judgy rude comments slating my situation/ character ?

OP posts:
Ruggsey · 28/11/2024 20:11

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 19:10

I wish I could do a poll to see how many of the commenters of this post are married, when they married and what financial background they come from.
I suspect a lot of the judgey comments come from privileged spouses of high-school sweethearts.
My partner and I lived independent adult lives before we met , I think that changes the perspective on things.

There is a reason people get married, even quickly, before deciding to have children.
Its because it is important to them and many women simply wouldn't dream of making the commitment of a child, if they didn't have a genuine, enthusiastic wedding proposal.

There are so many posts like yours, house and child already, with a msn who has zero interest in marriage.

Why? Because marriage is a real commitment to make, that is not so easy to walk away from.

Chasing someone down to marry you cannot bring much joy I would think.

I think you should think about all the traditions that you now want after the horse has bolted.

You have made yourself clear that this is important and yet he continues to ignore you.

I wouldn't force him on this issue too.
You deserve better than him.
I wouldn't waste money on a wedding, I would save for an emergency fund that you may need.

Tealeavesinthecup · 28/11/2024 20:14

Ruggsey · 28/11/2024 20:11

There is a reason people get married, even quickly, before deciding to have children.
Its because it is important to them and many women simply wouldn't dream of making the commitment of a child, if they didn't have a genuine, enthusiastic wedding proposal.

There are so many posts like yours, house and child already, with a msn who has zero interest in marriage.

Why? Because marriage is a real commitment to make, that is not so easy to walk away from.

Chasing someone down to marry you cannot bring much joy I would think.

I think you should think about all the traditions that you now want after the horse has bolted.

You have made yourself clear that this is important and yet he continues to ignore you.

I wouldn't force him on this issue too.
You deserve better than him.
I wouldn't waste money on a wedding, I would save for an emergency fund that you may need.

How ridiculous. People urging someone to leave their partner and child because he isn’t coming up with a big slushy proposal.

jolies1 · 28/11/2024 20:16

Imammaaama · 28/11/2024 19:10

I wish I could do a poll to see how many of the commenters of this post are married, when they married and what financial background they come from.
I suspect a lot of the judgey comments come from privileged spouses of high-school sweethearts.
My partner and I lived independent adult lives before we met , I think that changes the perspective on things.

I met my husband a few years ago in my mid 30s, we started trying for a baby 2 years ago as it was looking like it might be difficult for us.

Before we started trying we agreed that being married to each other was important but we were happy to delay the wedding so we could focus on trying, & would marry as soon as feasible.

DH proposed a few weeks later which made it feel more official and allowed us to have a bit of a special moment to celebrate with friends & family. We got married when our baby was 7mo.

I don’t think you’re wrong that you would like the chance to feel special and appreciated with a proposal, however your partner has had ample time to do so. Have you clearly & calmly told him how the lack of one makes you feel? “DP we agreed marriage was important to us and we would plan to marry after we had children. It’s been 7 years and the lack of any effort to propose to me or start planning our marriage is making me feel sad and unappreciated. I would like a ring that looks like this & would really like to start planning for a wedding in 2025/2026.”

Semiramide · 28/11/2024 20:34

Tealeavesinthecup · 28/11/2024 20:14

How ridiculous. People urging someone to leave their partner and child because he isn’t coming up with a big slushy proposal.

Seriously? Is this what you took from @Ruggsey ‘s post? Maybe read it again, this time with your reading comprehension hat on…