Age old proposal problems

[Imammaaama]

I've been with my partner 7 years and we have a house and a toddler.

I've always been clear that I see marriage in my future , although due to age and finances child and house came first ( we had fertility worries)
We started having serious ' will you ever propose 'chats about 2 years ago .
It has now reached a head where I feel I can no longer wait. After a few big conversations this year he apparently is looking into getting a ring now. I am now questioning if I want this anymore? I am beyond impatient and I feel like a proposal at this point doesn't come from love but from pressure.
Our most recent big conversation was in June - and it was a very raw and emotional one where he assures me this is what he wants.
I was extremely disappointed to find out a couple weeks ago that he has taken no steps towards making this happen.
I know he can afford a ring , I don't want anything materialistic or stupidly expensive.
He has good savings and could've afforded a ring at any point in our relationship.

I just don't know if there's a way back from this now... I'm hurt that this has taken so long and that I've had to bring it up. I always told myself if I have to ask someone to propose to me it's just not right.

But I now have to think of myself as well as my child. I dont know what to do.. im leaning towards ending things but frightened of that this means for my future.

It's an absolute normal thing to want.

I get it. It's the gesture you want.

You say "if it's not coming from him I don't want it". But it isn't coming from him, is it? You want it. He may happily live without it....marriage and children has nowhere near the impact on men as it does on women.

Stop trying to con yourself and just do what people have said and talk go him about booking a date. Your fairy tale is out of date and it's 2024.

You should have followed Anne Boleyn's example. No marry , no sex. The number of young women that I know like this today and who moan about it 🤷‍♀️

Also for context, the reason we chose to have our child first is because I have had gynae issues and was concerned the choice to have a child could be a time sensitive thing , I wasn't in a position to pay for a wedding at that time and having my family at my wedding is very important to me.
I will need to do some serious saving first, so the proposal is the first milestone in preparing for this.

I really don’t get why marriage is important to you when you live together and have a child. You’ve made a (presumably) life-long commitment to each other by your
child and mortgage. What difference does being married make at this advanced relationship stage? I’m pretty sure many, if not most, men would think ‘if it ain’t broke…’.

I’m all for romance and tradition and had the bended knee surprise proposal myself, but it was when we were just dating. If we’d moved in together and had our kids, we’d have the same lives but just without the marriage bit (and not much impetus to bother as by this stage many would think it’s just a waste of money).

It just happened to be important to both of us to do it in a certain order. (I am 52 though, so probably old fashioned).

Okay cool I think you may be right.

I can see how disappointing this is op. I hope you find a way forward. No you shouldn't have to manoeuvre him, but it sounds like he really does need a big push, and considering how much you've already invested it will be worth doing. A firm timeframe in the manner pps suggest. My nan used a phrase for this kind of scenario which I disagree with this millennium and was rude in any decade, but in summary, he is comfortable and needs to be motivated to change the status quo.

If that's still a no go then I'm really sorry ☹️ If he wants to marry you, he will. If not, you need to decide on the course of your own life and if he features in it.
All the best x

It's interesting you say 'I wasn't in a position to pay for a wedding' and 'I will have some serious saving to do'. Not 'we'.

Honestly I don't think he's keen to get married. It's the one straightforward commitment to you as opposed to equity in a house/somewhere nice to live/being a dad - none of these are direct commitments to you, but to doing them with you.

I understand OP I really do. Of course he should want to marry you, he says he loves you and wants to spend his life with you so why not just propose to you?? Of course you want to feel loved & valued

however, it’s clearly not a big thing to him and that’s really hard to come to terms with. You have different views on how important it is. It just doesn’t matter as much to him
as it does to you so question is, I’d it a deal breaker? What will you do if in 12 months you’re in the same position?

What I mean is, everyone always say those are bigger commitments, but they aren't commitments to a partner. It's a commitment to a mortgage or rent with someone but there's other nice stuff, like stability, having a decent house.

What?

Simple: don't expect a proposal, he's not courting you - you have a life together. Have a serious conversation and then agree a wedding date together, as equals.
You can have ring shopping day together if you want a special moment to mark this agreement.

I just never understand these posts. If you’ve both agreed to get married why are you now waiting for a proposal? Decide what kind of a wedding you want and organise it.

Both sides of the coin here , it's 2024 so just yank his hand and drag him to the registry office .... and then the ' you're living in sin you filthy fussy '😂
Very interesting to see a range of opinions!

Yes - because that ended so well. That’s some hefty internalised misogyny that equates bargaining sex for marriage.

Also if you want a big wedding have you looked at the cost.

I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and the bride told me afterwards that it came it cost 24k. It wasn't even flashy or that big.

Could this be something stopping him

In your position I would just say let’s set a date, book the venue and get the ball rolling. No need for a proposal. Tell him you’re going ring shopping and tell him when. End of.

You have my sympathy. You've told him numerous times that you want to get married and he seems to just look the other way. Nobody wants to be married because they issued an ultimatum. You spend the whole marriage knowing it wasn't really what he wanted.

But it was a risk having a child with a man who hadn't committed to you, expecting him to do so in the future.

Should’ve thought about that before you had kids

@Notellinganyone well no one will lose their head today but it certainly seems to be a fact that men are reluctant to buy a cow when they get the milk for free! Shocking eh ? 😂

I'm sorry this is going to come across as harsh but i get that you want him to propose to show that he wants you, wants your. Life but the truth is if he wanted to marry you he would have.
No excuses or reasons in the world would stop someone who wanted to marry.
So you are now left with a choice, Will his half hearted proposal because you threatened him with leaving be enough for you? Or will you resent him forever knowing you forced him into it?
Only you know the answer to that.
I wish you well.

A proposal by itself means nothing. You need a date to actually get married. Then go to the Registrar and book it. Discuss it as adults and, once agreed, if either of you feels the need for a traditional proposal, one of you can get on a bended knee.
Also, you can then go and choose an engagement ring together, which is good fun - equally, you can get married without any ring(s), if you prefer.
But your partner has to really want all of this - he shouldn't get married if he is at all unsure.

It’s fine to want the gesture! But you have to partner up with someone who’s into making gestures. Yours isn’t. He’s happy being a passenger in your lives which has probably suited you at times as he’s willing to go along with what you want without objections. But you’re wanting him to change his personality and your longstanding dynamic for the sake of one gesture and it’s not going to happen.

I totally understand this and I have a solution which will involve some input from you, but will leave the proposal up to him.

My DH was like this. We spoke about it and he said it was too much pressure to be perfect for me and what I wanted. He thought I wanted a grand gesture in front of lots of people and he couldn't plan it. He was scared the ring wouldn't be the right size and that I wouldn't like the ring he chose. All I wanted was for him to ask me and for it to be a surprise.

So we chose a ring together online by deciding what wedding rings we would like and then finding a matching engagement ring. You don't have to be this explicit. You could say gold band with a single diamond at least half a carat in a princess cut. Or say you can choose the ring after the proposal.

As for the actual proposal, once the rings had arrived I just said I don't mind where but I don't want it to be my birthday or Christmas. Just an ordinary day. You might feel differently and want it to be at Christmas, say. Make sure he doesn't ask at a friend or family celebration because it will take attention away from them.

I would suggest giving him three options like a surprise present on Christmas Day, midnight on New Year's Eve or by the tree where we wait for the dog to have a sniff on the Saturday walk. Whatever you think would make a nice memory.

So I would suggest that you tell him

1. you expect a proposal within three months from the 1 December
2. you would like a ring and describe it or choose it or say the ring can wait till after he's proposed
3. It can be in one of three places/occasions and tell him what they are.

Take the pressure off so he has enough information to make it great but also his choice.

My DH proposed at our favourite restaurant when we booked it for the first day possible in July 2021 when Covid restrictions were removed. We were having drinks before dinner and he just put the ring on the table and asked me if I would marry him. Totally unexpected. Totally brilliant and of course I said yes and we were given free champagne.

You know this man @Imammaaama. What do you think is causing his reluctance?

You also know what you want. So, I would forget the proposal. Do you want to cojole him into getting married? My only concern is that if he doesn't want to be married the relationship will suffer if he's faced with a fait accompli.