I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

I'd feel the same. Protect yourself OP.

Walk away if you have doubts.
You only live once.

I’d walk away too- rightly or wrongly.

Look after yourself OP.

It’s totally understandable that you can’t face this again. No one would think badly of you for walking away here.

You can walk away x

I would walk away as I don't think it is fair to either of you - if he is ill he will need support and you cannot give it which is totally understandable.

It's difficult.

Plus you don't actually know if there is a health issue that is serious?

I know it's head versus heart but at the end of the day you need to make a decision on what is right for you.

Do you think he expects you to care for him?

Protect yourself . It's OK to do that, women tend not to. He may even see you as a potential carer.

I don't think he expects anything, but if I'm the person who's there....?

If he is unwell then walk away.

I have a friend who had a terminal diagnosis recently. Her partner of 2 years has walked away although they remain friends. It’s shit for her but I do understand why he’s done it. He has his kids to think about too.

I've done the same and would feel the same way you do if I found myself in that position again. It is OK to walk away @Scaredgf

This. Please choose your own happiness. My Aunty went through this twice. It ruined her life.

OP, you need to protect yourself.
You have gone through enough.

Walk away. It's time to take care of yourself. You're a thoroughly decent person and you've done enough.

What you went through was massively traumatic.

You're right to feel as you do.

But it won't be the same as before. This isn't your husband, father of your children. You don't need to become so involved that you're caring. You could explore a friendship without taking things too far maybe.

Yeah sadly I’d be exactly the same. I’ve nursed 3 close relatives through terminal cancer and I’m done.

Don’t put yourself through it again. Walk away.

Oh love. Deep breath and see what's what. . Sending you a hug. x

It's absolutely fine to walk away. This isn't the man you built your life with or the man you made wedding vows to. Protect yourself after everything you've been through.

Everyone is different.

I know in my family that 1 person absolutely wanted his Partner to care for him. Yet another 1 wouldn't even accept her helping him to put a shirt on (ultimately he chose to go into assisted living). He was fiercely independent.

There are a lot of what-if's.

He might not expect it of you.

But the decision is yours to make - not his.

You could chat to him and explain you don't want to go through that experience again.

My Uncle had a Partner, he called her his "Good Time Gal". She'd lost 2 Husbands previously. She openly said she couldn't and wouldn't be open to that again. He was OK with that. He knew where he stood.

That's entirely different. Not surprised it was a man though.

I could not walk away. I’m genuinely shocked at all the posters saying leave. If a man posted this wanting to leave a possibly terminally ill woman he’d be slated. I completely understand how you feel op, but put yourself in you DP’s shoes and think how you’d feel. Very sad you are facing this possible blow again.

I absolutely get what you're saying, but he's not a "DP", he's a bloke I'm seeing, which might or might not become something more given enough time.

Here’s my point exactly. A man did this and it’s thought not ok, but a woman is encouraged to do it. Double standards always!