I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

What you went through is horrific. I do think a husband vs someone you have been becoming fond of is completely different.

Your children deserve a mother who is healing and present... Going through this a second time could have insurmountable consequences on your mental health.

Your life is just as important as his and a ruined life is just as tragic as a death.

If you were my best friend I would say to either end it, or end it romantically and remain an acquaintance with limited responsibility but can offer some company.

Yes he was under MacMillian and they got his pain so he was OK when still, but moving him caused a lot of pain.

Fwiw my DC are adults now.

I nursed my H through Multiple Sclerosis for years, at the end he could hardly move, couldn't shower and used to have trouble with his bladder and bowels. He died six years ago, and I swore I would never live with a man again. If he needs care he can sort himself out.

Absolutely nobody would think the worse of you. You’ve suffered, frankly, you could walk away very easily, he’s early into investigations, presumably. Big hugs, @Scaredgf this is pretty bloody awful. I would not blame you for leaving the situation.

Completely understandable OP

But a hospice can't provide years of care. They were there for us at the end and were brilliant. But up to that point, our experience with our terminally-ill Dad and the lack of support with personal care, etc was very similar to OP's. I certainly wouldn't blame OP for protecting herself from going through such a traumatic experience again.

If you don't love him enough to WANT to stay with him in sickness, then you probably should walk ASAP.

My husband died by suicide, after years of mental illness. After a time I started dating. I remember I chatted to a man who was honest that he suffered from depression. I said to him that I couldn't go through it again and walked away. I think he was pissed off that his honesty didn't get him a reward.

Ultimately we are not prizes for men. We are human beings, damaged and real. You're allowed to say 'not this path again, nowhere near it'. You're already worrying about what might happen, you're already suffering. Wouldnt it be better for him to date someone who is not traumatised by his situation?

My Dad died of bowel cancer. It was two months between diagnosis and him dying and he spent those at home with my Mum. He had carers come in three times a day and they took care of his personal care. This was about five years ago and I'm shocked that you had to provide personal care to your husband. You have no obligation to care for the health of someone you have only just started a relationship with. If your worst fears are realised then he could look at hospice care in later stages. I'm sorry this is happening and hope things turn out well for you.

I'm thinking the same reading zone of the responses on here are heartless.

I had similar with my DH, also cancer, also died 5 years ago. I totally signed up to the in sickness and in health mantra and I don't regret it. But it totally broke me and I couldn't do it again. Not that I wouldn't want to - I just have nothing left.
My advice is: be kind to yourself and find out what brings you happiness. If it's this guy then maybe it's worth it. If not, then there's no shame in walking away.

What did she do between the 3 visits? We had 4 visits. I think the "system" thought leaving him sitting in it for up to 14 hours was OK. I didn't.

I am not widowed but divorced and would never live with anyone again either.

When you are young you want to share and build together, which you did, now you have what you are your late DH worked for together. Why the hell would you share that with anyone?!

I think in this situation you need to be honest. If he was a friend then presumably he knows what you went through nursing your ex and would understand that you are not prepared to do that again. If he doesnt know, I think you need to tell him, but in a non scary way. Maybe focus on how hard you found it to lose him, rather than the pain and lack of care etc, as in his position that would be very frightening.

You are at the stage of dating where you might split up because you have different taste in music, or because he’s an early bird and you are a night owl.

Take a break from dating. Stay his friend, if that feels right, and if the tests turn out ok then you can see where you are in a few months. But take a break now, so it is done.

You are not married, you haven’t made any vows to each other so it’s really up to you but perhaps if he does have cancer it will be treatable. If you knew that would you be able/want to be with him? Also if you became unwell do you think he would be able/want to be with you? Could you chat about all this with him?

Sorry I haven't read all of the comments, so apologies if I ask questions which have already been answered.

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss, my stepfather passed a few years back with pancreatic cancer and it was horribly sad.

Has your partner been diagnosed with an illness? Is it possible you are overly conscious of symptoms?

Personally I wouldn't walk from him. That's just me but I understand why you would. I think you would really struggle with walking if he passed away. Personally, and I don't know the circumstances, I would feel privileged to be by their side at the end.

Big hugs x

May I ask what the symptoms are OP?

You don't have to care for him as he isn't a DH or even DP'ner.

@Scaredgf

"Yes, but I'd be calling it a day because he's ill? Or when it becomes clear he's not going to recover?"

You could stay for now and, if you find out he's unwell, you'd have to be honest with him and say you're not strong enough to see someone else go through this".

Cough, weightloss, exteme tiredness

Yes, I can relate to this. We had 4 visits a day and I was still doing all the bits in between, 24/7. It only changed in my case when I complained and we were given continuing care and they were transferred to a hospice, which wasn’t their choice really but something had to give in our case (disabled child at home as well, complex).

If he's just a guy you're seeing, I'd say it's a good idea to distance yourself from him now. If you wait until (god forbid) he is diagnosed while you're still seeing him, it could cause PTSD symptoms and being really upsetting for you. You also might feel he was trying to lean upon you too much emotionally. Obviously hopefully he's not gravely unwell. But you should think of your own feelings. You're still probably feeling very heavy bereavement. I hope you're having counselling if you think it might help? X

Don't you lot ever take a break? Do you really think this thread is an appropriate choice to derail with your agenda, bleating about 'double standards'? The sex here is irrelevant. Someone widowed in traumatic circumstances does not want to relive them and is considering not pursuing a new relationship they fear may end the same way. Which is entirely reasonable, whether they are male or female.

That’s completely mad. They’re just dating.

This is why I'm still single, 12 years after my husband's death, caring for him at home to the end.

I used to attend a carers group at the hospice, and it was really depressing. My DH was amazing, and the most stoical and patient of people to nurse. It was of course massively stressful, but he remained thoughtful, appreciative and 'himself' until the end. Everyone else in the group was having a much more difficult time in that regard, and if it doesn't sound a weird word to use, I felt lucky.

From then on I knew that there'd be no-one else in my life. I couldn't do this again, and I wasn't going to risk the next person being an angry or difficult personality in illness (not that I'm blaming those husbands...I know I couldn't be as sanguine as mine had been).

So though my friends have wanted me to have a partner through the rest of my life, it was never going to happen.

Sorry, I'm talking about myself. But I get it @Scaredgf . You're in the 'getting to know each other' stage, fortunately, so you really do have no obligation to him, and I imagine he's unlikely to want anything from you in that regard.

I hope these investigations don't have the results that you fear. All the best to him.