I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

Walk away, I watched my late dp die from alcoholic liver disease & I will never allow myself to go through that again, I'm still suffering 10 years on

OP I really admire you, what you did for your husband went above and beyond, you are an amazing person.

With regards to your current situation I think you are getting a little ahead of yourself and thinking worst case scenario.

If you have feelings for this person I would take it one day at a time and see how things go. It sounds like you are in a fun relationship with someone and you are already imagining yourself as their carer! Take a breath, see how things play out and if your worst fears are realised have an honest conversation about how you feel, which is more than understandable but don't walk away without knowing the full facts.

If he posted that he'd been through the genuinely traumatic and harrowing experience of nursing his wife through terminal cancer and that it was relatively early days in their relationship people would say ths same as they are for OP I'm sure.

I read one of the ops posts and it made cry I don't cry easily. She will never get over her husband and what he went through. She's not evil if she decided to walk away. She could be his friend and emotionally support him as a friend. She has only been with him for 6 months where as she was going to be with her husband for life until death do they part. They had children together and happy memories and what would her children think if she took on another caring role for a man she barely knows. She owes this man nothing apart from friendship.

It's really noticeable in the posts who has been with a partner until death and who probably hasn't.

The reason the OP is taking some vague symptoms and finding herself mentally in a nightmare isn't 'getting ahead of herself', it is trauma. Trauma and suffering don't make you a better, more shiny and resilient person with a great story to tell. Most of the time they make you a damaged person who is pretty keen not to be traumatised again and who has ugly feelings that don't fit a Laugh Live Love template. It is because her reaction is both understandable and extreme that it would be a good idea to distance herself.

If you think about it it's better for him if you end it too. Then he knows where he stands and can seek any support he may need from elsewhere. If you're there the staff may assume you're going to do any caring and that sounds like it would be incredibly traumatic for you.

Tbh, if positions were reversed, few would expect a bloke to hang about and "support" a woman he was in the early days of dating even if he hadn't been through that experience.

And certainly not at the level of personal and emotional care that is put on women.

Of course there are men who do it, but it's women that have the social expectation of care pushed onto them.

I don't think you would have any caring duties at all if you weren't married / living together.

In theory, no, but the OP knows herself and knows she would find it hard not to get involved, and the NHS plus possibly his elderly parents would find it all too easy to presume OP would be able to cover this or that task.

Plus, the emotional side. Right now, OP has been on some dates with a long-standing friend. She may only want a friend level of involvement emotionally, if he is ill

And in my experience of some men (NAMALT) they can have an expectation that any handy female who cares about them would just love to be their support person, romantic involvement or not.

I understand OP.

i helped my mum nurse my dad through a terminal illness in my teens/early 20s.

my mum remarried a few years later, now in her 70’s is nursing her husband again through a degenerative illness. She’s told me that she wouldn’t have married again if she’d known.

it was awful and has definitely marked me. I wouldn’t put myself in this position and is a big part of the reason why I’d never live with anyone again.

This is a new relationship for you, but even if it wasn’t, I’d understand you leaving and not wanting to do it again.

I think that's a bit naive. I've seen girlfriends expected to help with appointments and checking he's OK etc and it kind of snowballs because his adult children obviously have their own lives (not really through any particular lack of caring but it's tempting to get someone else to step in).

There's also the emotional cost of watching someone through such an illness, even without the care aspect.

There's a gulf of a distance between nursing your DH, father of your child and someone you are just seeing.

If the diagnosis comes back and it looks like a terminal diagnosis, or even whilst the tests are ongoing, you are perfectly in the right to say.

I'm going to give you and your family some space to process how things are going to work out going forward.

If he has no family you can just say.

I'm so sorry I just can't do this again.

The mention of “elderly parents”
caught my attention. This immediately concerns me you will do a slow fade INTO caring for him. You have already done this and there could be the expectations oh op has done this before she knows the ropes. Honestly it seems it may be accurate to say this change in his health status (testing indicates there a degree of medical suspicion) has made you aware you are NOT ready to date. You and your children cannot continue to heal if you become a carer again ….on any level. It will keep you emotionally and
possibly even physically ( no adventures or rigorous outdoor dates ) locked into a carer
role. Op please be careful you don’t cross even a single line…going to an appointment with him because that is the first step into the carer role. You can simply say…this has all made me realize I’m not ready to date.

Lavender's post above ('All this has made me realise I'm not ready to date') is both kind and true.
OP, my husband died 7 years ago from brain cancer and caring for him during his demise was deeply traumatising.
If you were to stay at 'girlfriend' level in your relationship, your emotional bonds would get stronger as you walked alongside him, whether or not you were doing any caring in the practical sense. You're clearly not ready for that, and after six months - even putting aside what you've been through - that is not surprising.
Of course, no relationship comes with guarantees of good health. But you're barely off the ground with your boyfriend.
In your shoes I would recognise that my feelings for my new boyfriend are not yet deep enough to walk that walk alongside him.
It's not selfish or wrong to be honest about this.

Maybe not officiallly, but practically when there's no one else, how do you leave someone dying in pain without an advocate, even if you don't do the physical caring?

The idea of being in that situation myself, with no one to advocate for me (or it falling on my poor DC) terrifies me. DH's care was often inadequate as it was, but I was fighting daily for everything he did get.

I get you, but I actually think you SHOULD walk away. I'm disabled (lifelong, not terminal) and I wouldn't want to be a burden to someone who couldn't deal with it. I don't think you are wrong, if that makes sense. It's just a fact that I need to be married to someone who can cope with my situation, to be married to someone who couldn't would be bad for us both!

@Scaredgf I would just explain to him that it is triggering for you to pass through this situation with tests and hospitals because your experience with your husband and you need to protect your mental health and kids. Tell him it is best if you stop seeing each other for him to focus on his health, you can keep in contact and you can see it in the future something sparkles again. You are not a couple and he is having issues that are triggering to you. No need to make it harder. Anyway the last thing he will be thinking is to build a new relationship

No I disagree OP sorry can't re quote but I think you are feeling over responsible here.
I think because if the way you feel you need time to recover and a break from the relationship.

IME of a friend who is terminally ill the expectation is absolutely that if there is no live in partner that friends etc will pick up the caring.

I don't feel "responsible", I just know that in practice (if the worst comes to the worst, which hopefully it won't) someone will be expected to step up and it's unlikely to be anyone else.

DH's death was awful, but it would have been a lot worse if he hadn't had me (or someone like me) to fight deal with doctors and other HCPs for him. Even just getting his meds was hard work because he was on such high doses of controlled drugs, it was challenged, and therefore delayed, every time.

@Pigeonqueen

Oh my word! How did you cope? Three! I just looked after one who thankfully wasn't in pain. I had to give up work for quite a while.

I'm not worried about his expectations. I don't think he has any, although if things did go the way DH did, he might find he had no choice but to look to me.

My concern is that the system can't manage someone who has no support and therefore it could be me or no one, which is a horrific prospect for anyone.

I recently cared for my DH until he died. I’m still grieving so thoughts of another long term partner haven’t entered my mind. I’m still traumatised by losing him.

But, in your case, I would support him as friend, and not just walk away. That doesn’t mean full nursing care.🌺

You are not his next of kin so you won't have the authority to fight for him. You've only been with him for 6 months and now you're planning to be his carer. How will your children feel and could it take up time you could be spending with your family. You're going to wear yourself out and the last thing you want after all the stress is you having a diagnosis. What about your health you're not young anymore stress is a killer you need to think carefully.