I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

What a strange post, when OP has been saying that she does not want to be a carer!

I've read through your posts op and I don't think you would have any say in his care as you are not his next of kin , wife or living with him . It's not your responsibility so there would be no pressure on you to provide practical care nor should you . Because his parents are elderly then the state would have to step up . Just be there as moral support not physical support.

"Just" being moral support sounds so simple. That's the exhausting part, and feeling helpless when you can see what's needed is even worse.

It was her last post she feels that because he has noone she may feel obliged to care for him.

@Scaredgf

Then you have to walk away . Because I can see you becoming way more over involved and you will end up doing stuff . Don't let your heart rule your head .

I experienced something similar OP and it killed part of my soul to watch my love suffer so and I will never fully recover from it. I have the greatest sympathy for you and think you are justified in whatever decision you make. What shitty shitty cards life sometimes deals us. Don’t hate yourself whatever you decide, you’re only human. 💐 for you X

NRTFT. Given that this man is not your partner; I genuinely think you need to walk away. What you have already gone through is more than most people suffer. You are possibly still healing from that and likely your DD too. How would she feel seeing you in a similar situation again? Probably unable to offer you the same support to a man she has no emotional connection to?
I think you need to protect yourself from further trauma and that likely means ending the relationship.
I wish you well OP.

I was a carer for someone that had MS. This was for over 5 years.
If you don’t think that you can do it again please don’t begin to do it.
I know from personal experience that it is difficult to give up once you have started.
Please think of your own wellbeing both physically , mentally and emotionally.
You deserve to have a good and happy life.
🌺🌺

Interesting assumption that caring DC was a DD 😉 Both our boys really stepped up and youngest, particularly, is a long way from healing.

If it gets to a point where he can't care for himself they will put him into end of life care. He will get 24 7 care from the carers who work there. Your husband had you so a bed was free for anyone who was in need of care and support they didn't have. His parents would probably have ss involved with him. If you're there he won't get the support he needs from the system. You are helping him by backing away.

My apologies OP for saying DD rather than DC. It was a mistake rather than an assumption but incorrect nonetheless.
I think your DC would be upset to see you go through trauma again.
It’s a tricky situation as on the one hand this could develop into a meaningful relationship but you have to put yourself first I think.

Walk

I think that your DS is your 'get out' (for want of a more sensitive term). It's one thing to end up putting yourself in this situation again, and quite another for your son to see you stressed and anguished again, even if he doesn't know this man.

I know it's going to be a terrible conversation to have, whatever, but if you can keep this man as a friend without getting too involved, and tell him (and more importantly, yourself) that you simply can't put your son back in this kinds of situation, even second hand, as well as it opening up your own trauma again.

I don't really see how op can keep him "just as a friend" when they've been moving the relationship forwards.

I mean, in theory it's a neat middle-ground solution, but usually withdrawing from the romantic side of a relationship ends up quite painful and messy. Sometimes one party hangs on hoping there will be a change of mind, which is a bit of a cruel hope.

And how do you stop developing feelings for someone and maintain them at a comfortable level?

It just seems rather fraught and complicated and likely to end up with OP more involved than is good for her.

It isn't just about the end of life care. It's about the love, support and despair that goes along with sharing someone's life through this. Realistically this could be a couple of years, or even more of watching someone slowly -or quickly-become ill, and need mental support and love. It's an unbearable position to be in, and to do it again so quickly, especially when you have children who will also be affected is an u reasonable ask. Having the awareness of how he will be feeling will also mean that you can't just be friends, you will automatically empathise and become involved in his emotional health. I think for your own and your DC welfare you need to step away.

Agree with this.

I dated someone and only a couple of months into our relationship he had suspected cancer. It turned out to be a being - but huge tumour - which required surgery and due to its position caused ongoing issues.

I knew fairly early on I didn’t want to be in a LTR with him but stayed out of guilt for his health issues and kept thinking it would get better as his health improved. It didn’t

I don’t feel that I was wrong to try and stay but I stayed for the wrong reasons and it affected my MH.

I had a cousin (age 60) who did exactly that with a man she had started seeing. They were moving the relationship forward slowly (ie no sexual involvement) with an eye to something serious when she hit a stumbling block in his attitude towards 'who's boss' in a relationship. She realized that he was fine as a friend (because 'there's no boss in a friendship' by his way of thinking) but not as a romantic partner. She was honest with him and they plodded along as friends for a bit, but he wouldn't stop trying to push things forward. Once he got it through his head that she meant what she said, he broke off the relationship/friendship. He said it was 'all or nothing at all' and he chose nothing at all. She was sad to lose the friendship, but not to lose the pressure to make it more.

If OP does decide to try to keep him as a friend, she'll need at some point to let him know that. It doesn't have to be put in terms of his possible illness. She can just say she 'doesn't feel that way' about him. Then let him make whatever decision he chooses.

You would be absolutely mad to do it again. If you were my DM I'd be furious with you (from a place of caring about you).

Your DH was your husband, life partner and father to your children. Caring for him was your duty (imo) and vice versa.

That was completely different, you can't even begin to compare your marriage obligations, history, family and love you had for your DH to someone who you are casually dating.

I doubt this man would nurse/care for you if you had a cold! (Sorry, I'm team tough love!)

No one can say they wouldn't walk away unless they've been in a very similar situation.
The OP also wasn't asking people should she stay or go, she was stating her thoughts.
I think it was very unkind and even cruel of that poster to say that to the OP considering what the OP has been through and the guilt she expressed in her post.

This is a random stranger on the internet and posts like that could condemn a woman to stay in a relationship to nurse a man even though she doesn't want to do it again because they make her feel even more guilty than she already feels.

Are you worried about what other people will think if you walk away OP ? That they will think k you are a bad person ?

You don't have to tell other people your reasons for walking away, you can just say you realised, or both realised, you were not right for each other but there is no animosity. That happens often enough in real life.

I think also that your son is still grieving and for him to find that you are going through this again with another man could add to his distress.

He needs his mum as well as she can be.
Loosing his father has made you extra precious.

There would be a social worker if there was nobody else. Not ideal but not nobody either

Your feelings are completely understandable, OP. No-one can judge you for not wanting to go through similar trauma again.

Absolutely this.