I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

They're not even partners!

It is okay to protect yourself, to recognise that to go through something like this again would break you. It is only human, we all have our limits.

I know it can feel hard to put ourselves first, especially if we’ve been brought up a certain way (always put others first type thing). But honestly at the end of the day it would be best not just for you, but also for him - if you ended up caring for him but doing so resentfully , or having a breakdown, that would be bad for him too!

In sickness or in health only applies to married partners. There is a reason why.

It is better for him for you to leave now than later. Does he have family to support him?

very tentatively started dating.

This is the information gathering stage and the data says the cost of this relationship will be too high. Walk away.

Bowel cancer? If he gets a diagnosis, you do not need to sacrifice yourself again. It would be ok to walk away.

I would protect yourself and your children OP

It's not about a man posting about wanting to leave a woman though, and there's no need to compare to this hypothetical situation.

It's the individual issue people are responding to, in that OP has experienced similar before. What you think you'd do (without having been there) isn't really of any concern.

And it's fine to consider how her DP would feel about this decision, but again, neither posters or OP know how he would feel in HER position or what he would do for/to her. But I don't like the chances that he'd even consider staying and look after her.

This is in the early stages of a tentive relationship, exploring if it may develop further. It's not a long-term relationship. 6 months is definitely not long enough, to be caring for this man, if indeed it turns out he is seriously ill. You have clearly been traumatised from looking after your husband, and having to watch the man you married and loved die. It is very easy for people to pass judgement, especially when they haven't walked in the same shoes. I don't think you are a terrible person, if you decided to walk away. Or equally if you decided that the man would be better being in the 'friendship' box.

It's not just about protecting yourself op its also about protecting him from the fallout when you have a breakdown. If you know your limits and you seem to, then you are correct in saying you couldn't cope again. If you have a breakdown you cannot help him and will make him feel worse. You need to step back and leave his care to someone who can manage. Stay friends if you want, but don't become his carer. That way madness for both of you lies.

You and your DC need to come first. That is the absolute priority for you here.

You have all been through a lot. I would also walk away. I think it's kinder on everyone to do it now.

You may find that he makes the decision for you. In his position I would walk away.

They're very tentatively dating, so she's free to leave him for just about anything.

@Whataninvasionofprivacy
Have you never stopped to consider that maybe this man would hate for the OP to stay seeing him just because she felt obligated to?

I certainly wouldn't want anyone to feel obligated to look after me, and certainly not someone who I hadn't been seeing for that long and who had previously been through hell with their spouse dying.

That's not fair. The OP has said she's only recently started seeing him, so she owes him nothing.

I lost my DH this summer after two years of him deteriorating from terminal cancer. Like OP, the last months were awful. I couldn't do it again either, especially for someone I barely know.

When you go through that experience you get a kind of PTSD that can colour subsequent experiences so you expect the worst. I had it with my dads dementia. On the back of that my brother had a nervous breakdown, got sectioned and I had to manage everything. Then he got cancer and I was thoroughly expecting doom but actually they caught it early, he has tolerated treatment very well. This other guy’s cancer journey, if that’s what it is, might be very different to DH’s. Having said that. I wouldn’t judge you if you decided to cut away if it’s too much for you.

Step away now before it gets serious, you don't need a sick man to look after you need someone to have some fun with.

@Scaredgf

My own mum cared for my dad for years as he slowly declined and lost function due to a neuro condition. The last 3 years were terrible. His death was a 'blessed release' for both of them. Mum said that Dad was never a burden to her because of their love and their long life together. But she also said that she would never put herself in that position again. And she didn't. For her that meant not 'dating' but as she said "Why settle for hamburger now when you've dined on filet for 52 years?".

She occasionally had lunch or visited with the widower of a couple she and dad had been friends with, but when his daughter started suggesting to her dad that Mum 'should be happy' take him to Dr appts, drive him on errands, have him to her house, etc to avoid having to do it herself, she gave the daughter a large flea in her ear and did a slow fade from the gentleman. She was sad to lose him as a friend, but didn't want to raise false hopes in him nor end up as a 'carer' once again.

But the bottom line is, you are not this man's wife nor his 'living-with-partner'. You don't owe him care. That is up to his family. You can either do the 'slow fade' or you can make it clear that you will not be taking on caring responsibilities. Remember that the only one who can 'make' you do that, is you. If you decide to keep him in your life, whatever you do, do NOT cohabit. Separate homes will be your friend.

Get some help, this is terrible. So sorry.

That’s very sad OP!

All of ours had care in a hospice it’s so sad that’s not available for everyone.

I think that if you feel this way (and it's totally understandable) end it now.

It will get harder to do so the more this progresses.

You can say 'i think you need to concentrate on your health and I'm not in the right place to take things forward'.

Easier to do now than when he has a diagnosis and the relationship progresses.

It’s your choice if you can’t cope that’s understandable you know how awful it is. But I’d slow down. Wait for the results first. It could be a completely different outcome.

There's nothing to feel guilty about, nobody would want to go through what you went through, twice.

Just keep the relationship light, no need to make a commitment but you can be a loving friend - and he may not have what your poor husband had.

You have to live your life and are entitled to enjoy yourself now. I feel sad that your husband was in such pain - was he not under the care of the MacMillan team or similar? There is absolutely no reason for anyone to be in pain and discomfort in this day and age.

Look after yourself, you are important. x

Only his elderly parents

I've said ever since we got DH's prognosis that I'll never live with a man again.

DH was great, we had a good life and it's (IMO) the preferable way to raise children, if you can, but as a woman of independent means and no plans for further DC , I don't know why I'd want to live with a man again!

I’m a widow and I categorically will never nurse anyone else to heaven unless they are my blood family or a child in law (god forbid). I won’t even go to funerals as it’s all too traumatising. The ironic thing is I’m good at this nursing thing. I cut off, get it done. But no, thinking my husband had gone and then him coming back for one last breath is not something I ever want to experience again.