I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

Poor guy!

OP, I'm so sorry for your traumatic loss and the pain and struggles you went through looking after your DP.

You shouldn't worry about walking away from a similar situation. Once is more than enough! x

The only thing I would say is that when you've been through deep trauma, you're on the alert for anything that resembles it. Once bitten, twice shy.

It may be that your DP's symptoms are nothing to do with your DH's illness, you're just on hyperalert. I hope so!

OP can break up with someone for any reason or none. Because the way he squeezes the toothpaste in the middle is annoying. Because she loves Italy and he never wants to go there. Because his haircut reminds her of an ex.

And this is a way bigger reason!

With kindness OP a slow fade makes sense. I am in the beginning of nursing my DH to his final days. He’s in a hospice now, he will come home, for how long I don’t know. We’ve been through so much this past two years that when he’s gone I want to take back some of the time I have given happily for DH’s comfort for myself, I will never live with a man again.

You don't know know man particularly well and haven't been dating long. You don't owe anyone dedicated nursing duties. I can't believe anyone would suggest it should be you carrying the load again. Put yourself and your child first.

I did it once and I couldn't do it again for someone I was 'fond' of, it was quite the most horrific thing I've ever done. It's fine to step back from this one, OP.

Does he have someone else to care for him? If so, walk away. If not... that's more of a dilemma.

If he's not even a DP, then I guess you don't owe him anything. Hopefully it won't turn out to be the same as your DH. That would be such a cruel coincidence.

I think all you can do is have an honest conversation now, about your feelings, then perhaps wait for a diagnosis. He’ll know it’s not personal and will hopefully understand why you can’t go through it again.
It won’t be too long to wait, and your feelings won’t deepen overnight, thus it won’t be making it harder to walk away, but all your cards will be out on the table.

You don't have to do it again.

I also nursed my DH - for almost 20 years. One thing I decided through that experience is that I would never ask that of someone I loved. I would never ask it of someone I hated, in truth. It's too much to ask of anyone. You don't have to do it. Don't do it.

How do you understand that sorry no he's her partner that's rotten the difference is this person is not actually dating this guy really

2 years into a relationship is a big difference

Good Lord! And do you have experience of nursing someone you love through a terminal illness?
I do and I seriously don't think I could do it again except for my DH of 30years or one of my children.

My brother (56) started a relationship with a friend just after her husband died of cancer. Three months later my brother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she took him in and looked after him until he died seven months later in February this year. She was a saint but if she'd said no, it would have been fine. Even my brother said so at the time.

You owe him nothing but you owe yourself the right to say no and walk away. You must put yourself first. It's not selfish. It is self-care and self-preservation.

It's not double standards. A man with a child would be told to do the same thing.

OP is traumatised and doesn't need to be getting tangled up and focused on a complex intense relationship when her and dc are only 5 years out of the trauma she experienced with her husband. And it was a trauma.

The OP also has her dc to think about. They also faced the trauma. OP's dc has not chosen to be in this new relationship/friendship. How awful for them if their Mum is going through this again.

No one ever needs a reason or permission to leave a relationship.

This is horrendous.

Is it horrendous? 2 years isn't long, and the man has children. I wouldn't willingly expose my children to the trauma of caring for someone through this, after only 2 years and without even being married.

He's a man you know, you don't even know if you would have stayed together. You don't want to be with him.

It's that simple, walk away.

I feel for you, but I'm not quite sure I'm understanding your thought process entirely, if you leave now you will be leaving for no other reason than he 'may' have cancer, if you leave after you find out that he does have cancer, you will still be leaving for the same reason? I assume you would not tell him the truth though if you were to leave him now, so really the end result would be the same, but no one would know the real reason and you can feel less guilty at this point about leaving someone for that reason.

Both options to leave are pretty grim in principle, but who can judge you after everything you've been through.. you only have to answer to yourself, and if you can live with that decision then you don't need permission to end things at any point.

At the end of the day though, even if he was sick, round the clock personal care would not be your responsibility, you're not married or living together and may never do either of those things, so you wouldn't be pressured to let him live with you to care for him, it wouldn't be like it was before and he may not even have a serious illness. Maybe you don't feel like he is a long term partner (separate to any illness he may or may not have), in which case you are probably better off leaving him now.

It’s always good to know when someone is open to differing views or just looking to have their decision affirmed.

What you went through was traumatic for the whole family and neither you nor your teens would be expected to go through this again. Some people wouldn’t be able to walk away though and that’s ok too. It doesn’t take anything away from your decision.

I know someone who has done just that. Wife died from brain tumour. First successful relationship since, diagnosed with cancer. He left her.
It sounds bad but the people thinking that haven't lived it.

I can totally relate to your feelings @Scaredgf

I also supported my DH through a long painful drawn out death and almost 20 years later I am still traumatised by what he experienced and the battles I had to fight to get him the care he needed.

It changed my life dramatically, not least because I never had the courage to be in a relationship where I might need to do that again.

I have had close relationships, but never lived with someone again and always kept them slightly at arms length if I thought they were getting to the point where that might be their wish.

I am sad for you that your new man has similar symptoms to your DH, but I dont think you should feel any guilt at walking away if you get to the stage where that is necessary.

There is only so much one person can cope with. You have already gone through the trauma of losing your DH as you did and will be only too aware of how difficult protracted death from cancer can be. Especially if the support provided is woefully inadequate.

By all means offer support to your new man in terms of signposting resources and helping him plan the care he might need, but don’t feel any guilt at letting others provide the hands on care if his current symptoms develop as you fear.

Take care of yourself by being a good friend rather than his nurse !!

Hi, my DP died of pancreatic cancer 7 years ago. He was terminally ill for 3 years. I couldn’t do it again, it was traumatic. I’d walk away.