I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

Yes, the symptoms could be loads of other things and even if it's the same, might (probably wouldn't) end the same way.

You've just, tentatively, started dating.
This is early days, fun but no commitment, he's not a partner but a friend.

In your shoes I too would be reluctant to take it further. Sadly I too know what it's like to watch someone (close family but not my partner) die of cancer, its traumatic and draining; emotionally & physically. I hope I never go through that again & totally understand why you would put the brakes on something that could take you down that road again.

You sound like a very caring person who has been through a lot. Cancer or any terminal illness is hard to watch unfold, but especially for someone you love.
To potentially go through it twice in what I’d say is a short time span is especially hard as evokes so memories of your first time.
I have no easy answer as it all depends on your strength of feeling for this person. Do you walk away or stay with them, and only you can decide.

Take care either way 💐

In your shoes, I would walk away. Absolutely. You owe this man nothing - he's a casual date, nothing more. I wouldn't even stay friends in truth because if you see him needing help, you'll get suckered in. You need to look after yourself.

Yes this is what scares me. I know I have no obligation or duty, but I do have some experience of the system and I don't know if I could "let" anyone face it alone.

No, I wouldn't be up for that. If it was my dh of almost 40 years, or my dc or my dil, I'd do it, but not for a person I was dating a few weeks.

I wouldn’t immediately walk away as I would feel guilty for abandoning someone during a period of uncertainty but I would pause the idea of dating them and be a friend.

Should the worst happen it would not be your responsibility to care for them as you are not in a relationship.

If someone posted that they had been dropped like this everyone would be horrified at their behaviour.

Just wondering, if he's "not a partner" and it's the "early days of dating", why is OP's username "scaredgf" - which suggests she's his girlfriend? I wouldn't be calling myself his girlfriend if I wasn't in a relationship with him.

I walked away when a bloke I was seeing told me he was waiting for a kidney transplant and was starting dialysis. I'd lost my husband six years before and couldn't risk putting my kids through another potential loss.

Having been on a similar situation I could never nurse a partner again Don't walk RUN!

He’s having tests - He hasn’t been given a terminal diagnoses.

I think this is a pretty big sign that he isn’t the one for you.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through. Can I ask why that has made you anti-euthanasia though? Euthanasia isn't ending the life of someone who still wants to live.

We're definitely more than friends, although have only become that relatively recently. I still wouldn't call him "partner". We've made social plans together for a few months hence ie expect to see each other in the "future" , but not for Christmas, if that makes sense?

I think in a world where Euthanasia is an accepted way to go, someone in DH's shoes would feel pressure to relieve us all of the "burden".

Don't say you're not strong enough. Don't put yourself down for your feelings. It's not about strength.

My mum’s friend is in a similar situation. She nursed her first husband through cancer and he died fairly young. She remarried, and her now husband has had a stroke aged 60. She confessed she feels terrible at feeling angry about being put in a caring role again, just after retiring but I can fully understand her.
Take care of yourself OP. I hope you and your children have had bereavement counseling. What you have faced, seen and done is not for the faint hearted.

Fair enough.

Take care of yourself.

I wonder if you have PTSD.

I get it @Scaredgf The first time broke something in me, I know a second time would kill me, and I’m not exaggerating when I write that. I’m sorry you and your DC went through such a loss. I don’t think you should jump straight to the worst case scenario though, be aware that’s a (totally understandable) trauma response. You don’t need to run for the hills, wait until you know more about what he’s dealing with.

A man would 99.9% walk away

That's so sad, I bet she wouldn't have done that to him

Run for the hills. You don’t need this, it’s not your responsibility.

Have you actually been through anything like this yourself, it is so draining.

I'd leave him @Scaredgf having been through the same with late partner. Current one has lots of health issues recently but I've talked to him about ex and they'd met etc so he knows how I feel about it.

It is traumatic and if you need to leave then put yourself first.

OP, everyone is concentrating on the physical caring for someone dying. But it isn't just that, it's the months and months of supporting him through treatment, trying to help him be optimistic and look forward to small things. Yes, the physical care also comes at the end, but honestly I wouldn't put myself in the position of having to love and support someone when you really aren't that close at this point. I think it's fair to tell him that having done it once you can't do it again. I don't even think staying friends would be possible because you will always be aware of the pain and despair he will be feeling at every point and you will be reliving it again. Look after yourself, but tell him honestly why.

I think it's very different dating someone to them being your husband.
I have a boyfriend who I see roughly twice a week. He doesn't ever want to get married etc. If he became ill I would help when I could and go and see him but I wouldn't give my life up to care for him as I have my children to think of and he isn't my family as he is my boyfriend not husband. He also isn't my children's dad.
So I don't think you have an obligation here as it's a different situation.

my sister died at 31 to cancer her husband alooked after her was amazing, waited 6 years before seeing someone, i can not believe it his new wife is aged 44 bit younger than him , is now dying of cancer he cant believe his luck, its aged him terribly knowing what is coming , he says he will never date or marry again he is only aged 56 its shocking

You’ve been with him for six months. I think you are subconsciously minimising the relationship on the basis he might be sick. If he wasn’t sick the relationship would continue. Things are progressing as you say you recently moved things on. Life isn’t perfect snd health isn’t guaranteed. Perhaps you should stay away from dating as you are obviously not ready and it isn’t really fair to the other party. Not being harsh but dumping someone on the basis they might be ill is really poor. If it were a man doing this he would be called evil on here.