I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

Could you wait until you know if he's even ill?

How is it different?

Yes, but I'd be calling it a day because he's ill? Or when it becomes clear he's not going to recover?

recently I've very tentatively started dating
This is not OP's partner, it's a date. I'd give any male friend of mine in this position exactly the same advice and would not be patient with anyone who tried to make him feel guilty for leaving.

They’re very recently dating, OP hasn’t described it as a relationship, she hasn’t said he’s her partner, she won’t be “leaving” him.

How long have you been together? @Scaredgf

You can stop dating anyone at any time for any or indeed no reason. Please be kind to yourself. You don't owe him anything

you would stay and marry him if you were his partner and he did not have kids. It would make sense

to this point , you are free to go

That's not easy to define actually 😆 It's something that started as a friendship but has been building for maybe 6 months, taking things very slowly. He's been lovely and very patient with me.

What's the time bracket you consider acceptable then, @Whataninvasionofprivacy ? A month? Two? Three? Four?
Would you heap the guilt on your sister? Daughter?

They've not been together for any length of time @Lickthips - very different from a 2-year relationship!

You need to protect yourself Op - you must put yourself & your DC first.

Nothing wrong in getting out now, OP.

You've been through a lot.

Protect yourself and your child. I’d walk away I think.

Keep him as a friend, but no more.

I said I could not walk away. Six months isn't a couple of dates. The OP should leave him. If it was right she would not be considering it, so yes, walk away.

My DM walked away in an almost identical situation. No one held it against her. She just could not do it, even being around him as a friend was just too triggering.

OP please protect your own mental health. You also have DC to think of too in the mix of all of this. I would break it off with this man if I were you, you have dealt with a trauma that many of us cannot understand, you deserve some peace in your life and it doesn’t sound like this situation is bringing you peace.

Tell this man you are not as ready to date as you thought you were (which is not a complete lie) and take some time away from dating. You need to focus on yourself and what brings you happiness and comfort. This doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t date or have relationships but you must find a way of protecting your mental health and perhaps that means just keeping things very very casual moving forward for the time being.

Family members don’t have to take on board the sort of personal care you did.
There are support networks that will do this.

If he makes you happy suggest you / he look into who can care for him when and if the time comes.

My mother died from cancer and my aunt and uncle. Neither us, my dad, my aunt nor my cousins had to deal with any form of personal care.

That's for you to decide. He might not be ill. It might not be as difficult as you fear. He may recover. Depends how much you like him which will help decide what you can deal with.

So he's going through tests? Nothing confirmed? I think hold your horses. It's easy to feel like it'll be the worst news after you've experienced it but it may not be.
If it is then I think that this isn't an all or nothing situation. You can remain a friend without becoming a carer.

I know what you're saying about the care in theory, but it didn't appear to be there for DH.

There was a lot of pressure from the hospital to have him home and they assessed that 4 visits a day and leaving someone sitting in their own waste, unable to fetch a drink, between times, including up to 14 hours overnight, was adequate care.

Plus I honestly don't think his pain would have been managed, even as well as it was, without me badgering people constantly.

Actually, it's one of my great fears for myself- who plays that role for me?

Don't feel guilty op, your thoughts are completely understandable. Do what's best for you, and if that means ending it sooner rather than later that's OK.

Sounds like you and your DC went through a tough time 💐

Have you nursed a child or partner through cancer for months/years before their eventual death? And this man isn't a "DP", just a guy she's been dating for a relatively short time and having fun with.

OP, as brutal as it sounds, I would leave now. He's clearly got some sort of medical issue, whether it's cancer or not. You don't have to stick around. It doesn't make you a bad person if you want to walk away.

Whatever you decide, OP, you don't have to listen to any of us. We don't know how you feel.
Even those who are shocked by the idea of you stepping away realise that it's a horribly hard situation to be in.

No he wouldn't.
No one would expect him to stay with a possibly terminally ill woman who he wasn't in a serious relationship with.