I nursed DH through a slow painful death and I don't know if I can do it again

[Scaredgf]

There's nothing about this which makes me proud, but I need to talk it over, if you can.

DH died 5 years ago. A long, slow, painful death to cancer. He was bed bound and completely dependent on me and teen DC for the last 6 months. The trauma of having to change my DH's nappy while he screamed in pain, and having to ask DC to help move their dad will never leave me.

Since he died life's plodded on, and recently I've very tentatively started dating. There's a man I'm seeing a lot of and have become very fond of. I don't know where (if anywhere) that's going, but for now it's fun and comfortable.

Except he now has symptoms very similar to DH's early ones and is going through all the same tests.

I hate myself for it, but it's making me want to walk away.

Unfortunately, the carers we had visiting us 3 times a day were, with one notable exception, varying degrees of awful, and frequently made things more stressful. I understand that that is not everyone's experience but that was ours.

I really don't think it's fair of some other posters to judge or guilt-trip the OP. Everyone's experience of caring for a terminally-ill relative is different and, when it's protracted over years, it wears you down physically and emotionally. And, the end is a relief, as one PP said. Once you have been through that, it's so traumatic that you can't easily put yourself through it again, certainly not for someone you've only known for a few months.

Edited to make it clear that I was referring to other posters in my later comments, not the one whose post I quoted.

Men frequently walk away from terminally ill women that they're actually married to.

OP - your husband was one thing, you were married, had taken vows and had children and a history - you take the rough with the smooth in that situation. Someone you have been seeing a short while is different and it's absolutely fine to walk away and protect yourself, I think you should.

Someone you're casually dating is very different to nursing a husband, surely???

Of course she can walk away!

He may have much closer family and friends to help him than someone he's "dating".

Knowing what I know now, in your shoes I’d distance myself.

Do it incrementally, no drama. He might decide you’ve grown apart and decide to leave you?

On the other hand, you could have a talk with him to voice your fears and see if you can find a flexible but agreeable way forward if there can be such a thing?

Personally I wouldn’t be able to see myself even going through half of what you’ve been through. Looking back over my life I know why I feel like that. It’s not a comfortable feeling.

We were supposed to get four visits a day but were lucky to get three 15 minute visits, by this point DH was almost totally dependent on others for everything. We had no help from Macmillan and we had one, possibly two, night sits in ten weeks from Marie Curie. I didn't leave the house for weeks because DH couldn't be left, he was non verbal by that point, he was unable to walk and had lost a lot of cognition, he was confined to bed or a chair and could only be in a chair if someone was with him as he'd frequently forget he could no longer stand up. On his last night I called the hospice because he needed his syringe driver tweaked and it took over two hours for them to get to us. There is no way I could do it again for someone I was tentatively dating. No way. If that makes me heartless then so be it.

He's not a partner tho, it's the early days of dating.

There's no telling if the relationship would have legs or not, if this hadn't come up.

She doesn't owe it him a relationship and it just adds an additional layer to navigate emotionally that she doesn't need to take on.

Personally, and I don't know the circumstances, I would feel privileged to be by their side at the end.

Please don't say things like that to someone who has already been through what OP has. You simply don't understand and you simply don't know what you'd do. .

Your post drips with 'I'm better than you' and is entirely inappropriate.

Yanbu different situation but once was enough. Never again it literally destroys you. I'm not the same person and I don't have anything left to give.

@Scaredgf I agree with this poster. It was very, very commendable that you did all that for the last 6 months of your DH's life - but many loving and caring partners would not have chosen to do all that - and I'm shocked that you couldn't get carers in to help at that stage - or if you actually chose not to get carers, I admire you even more. Even 4 times a day would have spared you a lot of what you did for him. But this wouldn't be expected of you in this case. I don't know how to advise you. Absolutely you can't go through the same thing again with someone else, but you are not living with him, wouldn't be expected to care for him if the worst comes to the worst and only you can say how much you like him.

We did have 4 times a day, but I wasn't prepared to leave him soiled for hours in between times.

If I was your boyfriend I would be horrified to think of you feeling obliged to do my personal care!

Do you think you could have an honest conversation about it with him? His reaction may clarify things for you.

If it is not at that stage in the relationship that you can talk about it, I would cool things with him.

I think you should walk away now before you are in too deep and cannot extricate yourself easily.

My OH died just over 4 years ago and I had to do so many things for him and to watch his grim decline. People have asked me why I don't seek a new man and I have been very clear - I have cared for one man and worn myself out and I will never put myself in the position where I might have to do that again. Sounds callous, but I know I could not contemplate doing it again.

Maybe a slow fade is the best option here, pull back a bit, just be friends. You've not been with him for long, so it's entirely understandable. He should see that too and not want to weigh heavily on you. Does he have DC's or other family as support? The onus is definitely not on you after such a short relationship.

@Ratfinkstinkypink , my situation was like yours, but my daughter, who was training to be a nurse at the time, was an enormous help along with her sister. I think we only had two care calls daily, but a district nurse fined by Macmillan also came every day. We had a Marie Curie nurse for the last two nights, but we were originally told that none were available. 'Luckily' someone died and released this nurse for us.

Only I and my DDs were there when he died.

6 months going slowly is a friendship OP.
There is absolutely no reason for you to feel that you need to become involved when you are still probably in main ways grieving your husband.

I know of several widows who nursed husbands and would never ever consider living with someone again and risk finding themselves in such a difficult position again.

I too think this could all be very triggering for you, which really isn't fair on you or your adult children.

i

Walk away.

You are not married and don't have kids together, you are simply dating.

It is perfectly fine to accept that having gone through this type of trauma once, you have nothing left to give to someone who might be going through the same illness.

Put yourself and your kids first.

Because you have been through this before I think you would be comparing all kinds of details and that might hinder the way he needs to be cared for. If that is he needs care.
It would stop you growing close to him I think.

THIS.
@Scaredgf We looked after Dad at home, and yes, the loss of dignity {as it used to be termed} is really tough.

We take being able to wee and poo for granted when well.

But when someone is bed bound, it's incredibly emotionally exhausting and physically hard as well.

Please look after yourself.

Your Husband was different.

I'm on 50/50 here... you don't want to care for someone again that's fair and understandable... if the man is sick you don't have to care for him nor do you have to cut ties. If unwell you could still call him or text to chat go out now and again etc...
I wouldn't do the caring again but I also wouldn't walk away if that makes sense.
Xx

Seeing Dad has really made me think that I couldn't ask the same thing of my adult son if I also become ill.

I think I'd prefer euthanasia.

We can do that for cherished terminally ill animals that we love, but cannot do it for ourselves! it's nuts.

Can you not maybe keep distance for now but keep in touch at least until he's got results back? It would seem remarkable bad luck for lightening to strike twice, could the symptoms really not be anything else?

DH was great, we had a good life and it's (IMO) the preferable way to raise children, if you can, but as a woman of independent means and no plans for further DC , I don't know why I'd want to live with a man again!

I absolutely agree with this. My lovely DH has a life-limiting condition and we have discussed when he can no longer take care of his personal needs that we will get carers in and have put money aside to pay for private care. I want to be his wife and friend, not his carer, we both want him to retain his dignity.

When the day comes that I'll be alone, there is no way I'd move someone in, in fact, I seriously doubt I will bother dating again. OP, you're just friends, if your friend does get an unfortunate diagnosis, there is no need for you to be responsible for his care, you 'just' have to step back from getting involved in his care, and make sure your status as friend is emphasised to social services. If you did decide to walk away, no one would blame you leaving a just-beginning relationship.

My Dad died 18 months ago OP from terminal cancer and I had to become his care giver, his care co-ordinator and the person who spent hours on the phone chasing for help. He had a good palliative care nurse/Consultant and it was still bearly manageable with untrained/agency carers turning up visit after visit and Dad screaming in pain from how they were trying to handle him. I'm still recovering from what he went through and don't ever think I'll be the same person again knowing that's likely what faces me.

In your shoes, I would walk away. Absolutely. You owe this man nothing - he's a casual date, nothing more. I wouldn't even stay friends in truth because if you see him needing help, you'll get suckered in. You need to look after yourself.

Actually, caring for Dh has made me anti euthanasia.

DH was in pain with very poor quality of life and when well would definitely have been someone who said "shoot me if I get like that", but right to the end, among the awful times, he wanted to live. He still wanted friends to visit, he still wanted to hear about his boys' day, we watched a drama box set together, which he looked forward to each evening (and saw the last episode the night he died).