Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

[kinsey681]

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

Yeah he's crushing on her

Probably yes, I would say.

So he only goes into the office occasionally, wishes her well in her endeavours, and chats to her about stuff at home, and she's gone at the end of the month?

Sounds like your insecurities here. You've been married 25 years, don't let this eat away at you.

IF he has been messaging her slightly more, I'd imagine it's simply because she's younger and less experienced than other coworkers. She's there to learn after all, so she likely needs a but more time/support.

It sounds like he probably does. But pretty much everyone in a relationship of 20 odd years will have had a crush on someone else at some point or other.

Not on younger women like this though..

I'd say it's particularly likely to be someone younger. I had to have a word with my sister last year after she got a bit daft over a builder 20 years her junior who was working on their new extension

Doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong at all. He's chatting to a colleague. He looks at her face when in conversation with her. But you want him
To look down at his phone instead?

Yes more than likely. But crushes are harmless everyone has them. Although it does sound like he’s been a bit obvious here it’s only an issue if it’s acted on.

If he thinks she's good at her job and has a lot of potential, it's natural for him to provide extra help/support/mentoring in her career path. I benefited from this when I was younger (from men and women) and wouldn't think twice about giving extra advice etc to a young talented employee now.

Maybe he finds her attractive but surely this is a non-issue unless he acts on it? Our eyes don't stop working once we're in relationships. It's normal to notice attractive people. And you have to accept that your partner will do that too!

In any case as he hasn't behaved unreasonably there isn't anything you can ask him to do. "Stop mentoring a young talented employee" is unreasonable. "Don't find anyone else attractive" is unreasonable.

Why not??

Yes he probably does have a crush on her but unless he acts on it, it’s fine? i don’t think keep putting your arm round him when she’s there will stop the crush! He’ll forget about her when she goes.

I hate to tell you this, but it's particilarly likely to be on a younger woman.

Yes it does sound as though he finds her attractive.
I think if she will soon be leaving then fair enough. But it would be worth keeping an eye out for whether, and to what extent, he keeps in contact with her when she leaves.

Yeah he has a crush. Talk to him about it. Tell him that you know. Remind him not to try and do anything stupid or embarrassing. Joke about it if you can. Keep an eye on it though.

I think this says way more about you than it does him. Your DH has done absolutely nothing wrong in the slightest. So you have a feeling he may have a little crush on her. So what? We are all human. We don't stop finding other people attractive because we are married or in a committed relationship.

I think even if you raise this with him it will come across as you being insecure and he will no doubt tell you that he doesn't anyway. As long as he doesn't over step any boundaries you can't do much about him finding someone else attractive. I think you need to look more at yourself as to why it bothers you so much and what you can do to raise your own self esteem and self worth.

Well yeah...but so long as he's not doing anything inappropriate its fine.

I suspect once she is out of his office though, he may try to stay in touch. That's when he might turn it flirty.

So I wouldn't drop my guard once she's out.

What about the intent staring though?

She's late 20s, early 30s, so yes young but not a teenager

Haha interesting, what do you mean by 'a bit daft'? She was just fawning over him?

I think it bothers me, makes me slightly jealous if I'm honest, because she just looks nothing like me, like not the same physical type. I think she seems like a little ditz to be honest....

Oh the naivety! 🙄

Yes op. Middle aged man over invested in pretty 20 something. Tale as old as time.

She's young and pretty (I had to look up EB!). It's not nice, but the guys oggle at the gym, will take sneaky glances out shopping, etc. Women do it too. Appreciation of beauty doesn't mean intent.

(Ref: Diet Coke break).

Think about it. There's needs to me a multitude of requirements for 'cheating'. Intent, attraction, opportunity, reciprocation, confidence... You've said he stares, but he's not around her that much, I'm assuming you haven't observed any behavioural changes (secrecy, late nights, new clothes, etc.), she's out of there in a few months, she's (I'm guessing) 30 years younger. I think you're fine.

I honestly don't know many men, married or otherwise, who wouldn't take a sneaky look if given the opportunity.

What's the age difference? Cos she probably thinks your husband is ancient.

He might have a crush on her but it's not a foregone conclusion that she would reciprocate.

Oh he'd never cheat - he's a bit socially awkward and an open book. There's never been any opportunity for sneakiness, and I don't think that he would come onto a much younger woman anyway, not least because he does value our marriage.

I get that men like to look at beautiful women, but I was a bit surprised at him gazing at her in front of me!

Older men can get quite ridiculous around young women. I had it myself in my twenties. Utter cringe having 50 something men year old mooning after you.