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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
yeaitsmeagain · 31/10/2024 18:34

all men are like that at 50, it's biological wiring to be attracted to younger women then as wife is in menopause so they look elsewhere to procreate. even subconsciously.

I'm in my thirties and I've had married 50 year old men after me since I was 16.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:34

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 18:32

I had a massive crush on an older man and my husband knew all about it. The man was crazy about me also. LOL. I am just not the type that does affairs or acts on crushes, I prefer the imagination - we are all in our own little worlds with quirks

they both do not look the same, but are the same intellectual/creative type

What did your husband say? How did he feel about it?

I don't think this girl is much like me personality-wise either. Looks wise, she certainly isn't.

OP posts:
MissHalloween · 31/10/2024 18:36

I don't think this girl is much like me personality-wise either. Looks wise, she certainly isn't.

I don’t think him possibly liking Lara is about how you look, he may like her because she doesn’t look like you or maybe just because she’s young.

stillavid · 31/10/2024 18:38

I don't think her being not like you or like you is relevant - lots of people like lots of different people.

She is young and keen and fresh - he maybe is just attracted to her youthful enthusiasm and remembers when he felt like that about life.

I am sure you are right and he won't do anything but still it's never pleasant to see someone you love 'eyeing up' someone else.

It sounds like you do have a very open and honest relationship so I would be tempted to just tell him how it is making you feel.

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 18:39

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:34

What did your husband say? How did he feel about it?

I don't think this girl is much like me personality-wise either. Looks wise, she certainly isn't.

He joked only once ( after the thing weaned off) that he almost feared I will be going to that old man. Most of of the time he kept very gentle and non reacting...we are quite interesting and creative so in these circles sometimes emotions get high but not used up - sorry may be I am trying to describe what we are with my husband but we are very honest to each other and do not keep emotional secrets. He is my best friend and I have told him everything about my past and he knows I am not into sexual relationships outside of marriage, but nobody could make me not feel other men's attraction....that is my point. May be your husband is like me, loyal no matter the pretty lady

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 18:44

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:29

I didn't 'stare down' the young girl (although I might have liked to!), I did put my arm firmly around my husband though!

It’s exactly the same thing though.

But sadly it just makes you look unsecure and clingy, so I wouldn’t do it again. She would have noticed and likely sniggered inside.

Vax · 31/10/2024 18:46

I wouldn't be fooled by the ga y she doesn't look like you. He might fancy a change.

I'd be asking him if I were you.

coxesorangepippin · 31/10/2024 18:48

Why do you keep focusing on the fact that she doesn't look like you???

SirChenjins · 31/10/2024 18:57

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:29

I didn't 'stare down' the young girl (although I might have liked to!), I did put my arm firmly around my husband though!

Why did you do that??! You should have just said ‘you and me, car park now, bitch’ - that would have been far more subtle 😂

RenoDakota · 31/10/2024 18:59

This thread has a VERY similar vibe to the one yesterday where the OP didn't want to go to her niece's wedding because she didn't know the fiance / wouldn't accept her FIL's generosity. And kept saying the same thing over and over and over again in every subsequent comment. With more than a touch of the faux naive.

SwedishEdith · 31/10/2024 19:17

How much time do you and your husband spend apart? Are together a lot? I don't think you commenting on her appearance or calling her a "ditz" is a good look. She probably knows your husband has a crush and will have noticed you putting your arm around him and think it funny.

Arrivederla · 31/10/2024 19:21

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 18:44

It’s exactly the same thing though.

But sadly it just makes you look unsecure and clingy, so I wouldn’t do it again. She would have noticed and likely sniggered inside.

Edited

Exactly this - putting your arm round him every time you see her is just going to make you look insecure and a bit desperate tbh.

bryceQ · 31/10/2024 19:24

Is she probably not just humouring him because he is the boss? I'm early 30s but in my late twenties I often had male older senior managers being flirty I just eye rolled internally. I would never have been interested in a 50 year old to be honest.

I think it's a bit crap you keep calling her ditzy when you said in your op she is good at her job.

woosaaargh · 31/10/2024 19:32

when I think she's probably rather silly and a little ditz.

You're not coming across well at all.

Mls1984btc · 31/10/2024 19:34

bryceQ · 31/10/2024 19:24

Is she probably not just humouring him because he is the boss? I'm early 30s but in my late twenties I often had male older senior managers being flirty I just eye rolled internally. I would never have been interested in a 50 year old to be honest.

I think it's a bit crap you keep calling her ditzy when you said in your op she is good at her job.

I always find it amusing whenever I met my male friends/acquittances/colleagues with their partners, they tend to 'stake their claim' on their men by doing exactly what the OP was doing to her husband, either hanging off him or giving out statement to that effect that he is mine hands off. Isn't this an objectification? We certainly wouldn't like it if men doing it to us.

I love dressing up and look good to feel good about myself so on first glance I might come across as 'ditzy' but I am good at my job so women tend to change their perception about me once they get to know me. I couldn't care less about what someone like OP think and I tend to agre me with PP that she knew about his infatuation and use it to her advantage, without crossing the boundary (yet).

Sceptical123 · 31/10/2024 19:53

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:39

See, my husband is not like this, he would never consider running away with a woman he only sees every six weeks or so just because he (maybe) finds her attractive

Never consider…

I’m not saying he would, but how would you know?

SallyWD · 31/10/2024 19:56

Disturbia81 · 31/10/2024 13:30

Not on younger women like this though..

Oh no, of course not. Men are never attracted to fertile young women.

SallyWD · 31/10/2024 20:00

I agree with others. He's probably a little smitten, but I think it's completely natural. I've fancied other people occasionally since I've been with DH (over 20 years), and I'm sure he's found other women attractive.
This only becomes a problem if he acts on it. As long as he's being appropriate with her and faithful to you, what does it matter?

MsDogLady · 31/10/2024 20:05

@kinsey681, your H’s crush on this young woman won’t be focused on her bust line or whether she resembles you. Please don’t diminish yourself by making snide remarks about her cleavage and calling her ditzy.

He clearly appreciates her sharp skills, youthful enthusiasm, and general prettiness, and feels flattered and validated by her attention. You describe their being playful together, and in my view, it is that fun energy that is the biggest draw. She is well aware of all of this.

His mesmerized gazes (both in and out of your presence) are not on and he needs to cut that out. Not only is this disrespectful to you, but their colleagues will be noticing. You need to address that with him.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 21:25

coxesorangepippin · 31/10/2024 18:48

Why do you keep focusing on the fact that she doesn't look like you???

Because I thought that my husband liked women who are like me, my sort of looks....not like this little painted doll face he might be eyeing

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 21:26

RenoDakota · 31/10/2024 18:59

This thread has a VERY similar vibe to the one yesterday where the OP didn't want to go to her niece's wedding because she didn't know the fiance / wouldn't accept her FIL's generosity. And kept saying the same thing over and over and over again in every subsequent comment. With more than a touch of the faux naive.

No idea about that, but I don't think I'm faux niave here

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 31/10/2024 21:28

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 21:25

Because I thought that my husband liked women who are like me, my sort of looks....not like this little painted doll face he might be eyeing

Maybe she doesn’t bitch about other women’s appearances and their intelligence (or perceived lack thereof)?That can be a very attractive trait.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 21:31

MsDogLady · 31/10/2024 20:05

@kinsey681, your H’s crush on this young woman won’t be focused on her bust line or whether she resembles you. Please don’t diminish yourself by making snide remarks about her cleavage and calling her ditzy.

He clearly appreciates her sharp skills, youthful enthusiasm, and general prettiness, and feels flattered and validated by her attention. You describe their being playful together, and in my view, it is that fun energy that is the biggest draw. She is well aware of all of this.

His mesmerized gazes (both in and out of your presence) are not on and he needs to cut that out. Not only is this disrespectful to you, but their colleagues will be noticing. You need to address that with him.

Edited

Well, he was the one giving her attention and she's just responded, apparently. To be honest, she does have a nice figure, she's thin and curvy. She doesn't have much in the way of bust. And yes I have sized her up...I couldn't help it when my husband was gawping

OP posts:
OnceDivorcedHeather · 31/10/2024 21:37

You are right. I remember I had some unwanted attention from men in their 40s but I got a serious BF when I was 16. We got married later and then got divorced and now looking to remarry the same guy.

He is 8 years older than me but never let his eyes wander despite me being in pre menopause. Although I know most men want to get married to younger women. It’s natural selection isn’t it.

Mls1984btc · 31/10/2024 22:15

painted doll face, ditzy, not much in the way in the way of bust. How we women treat and think of another woman is truly fascinating!

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