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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 22:19

Mls1984btc · 31/10/2024 22:15

painted doll face, ditzy, not much in the way in the way of bust. How we women treat and think of another woman is truly fascinating!

Ok, so perhaps I am tearing into this woman because I think my husband might like her. I have actually acknowledged in some of my posts that she is, probably to a lot of men, very attractive. I just find my husband's behaviour around her a bit silly.

OP posts:
Alucard55 · 31/10/2024 22:20

Mls1984btc · 31/10/2024 22:15

painted doll face, ditzy, not much in the way in the way of bust. How we women treat and think of another woman is truly fascinating!

Exactly. Especially when this young woman is quite probably innocent in all this and feels she has to laugh at her employers jokes while thinking what an old perv he is.

OhamIreally · 31/10/2024 22:48

Gosh OP you are coming across really badly here. Smacks of you being used to being attractive and realising this is now waning.

Possibly naïve as well considering you think it's impossible your DH would cheat on you.

RubyTuesday10 · 31/10/2024 22:50

Aw you have my sympathy OP, it’s not nice watching your partner fawn over a younger woman, it must affect your confidence. I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time on this thread, if your husband is gawking and fussing over a woman it’s natural to find yourself comparing yourself to her and scrutinising her appeal. It’s human nature and it’s a horrible feeling. My dh is obsessed with a young singer and even though people say he doesn’t have a chance with her, it still makes me feel rubbish about myself. I think you need to have an honest discussion with him about how he’s making you feel. I think he’s the only one who can truly reassure you. I’m sure you’re lovely and he’s lucky to have you, we are all vulnerable to infatuations sometimes, it says more about him than about your attractiveness.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 23:05

OhamIreally · 31/10/2024 22:48

Gosh OP you are coming across really badly here. Smacks of you being used to being attractive and realising this is now waning.

Possibly naïve as well considering you think it's impossible your DH would cheat on you.

I said that this younger woman is attractive, I didn't say that I am?

OP posts:
TomPinch · 31/10/2024 23:31

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:38

Worried if they looked like you? What makes you say that?

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if my DH had a crush on a woman who looked nothing like me, but I would feel a bit jealous.

Well, if he looked different (e.g. tall, dark, handsome, or/and different in character) I would put that down to the thrill of the different. If it was someone who was like me, I would think she no longer wanted the qualities that attracted her to me, from me.

MsDogLady · 31/10/2024 23:54

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 21:31

Well, he was the one giving her attention and she's just responded, apparently. To be honest, she does have a nice figure, she's thin and curvy. She doesn't have much in the way of bust. And yes I have sized her up...I couldn't help it when my husband was gawping

Yes, he does give her extra attention via gawking, work/life chat,
supportive follow-up texts (atypical for him), and teasing/joking around, and she responds with more chat and lots of laughter. He enjoys that attention and reciprocation from her, and shares more life info with her than with other employees.

He clearly has a soft spot for her. I would not be impressed if my H singled out a female colleague for extended chats, giggle fests, and enchanted staring. Also, the boss telling her that she is ‘far too teeny’ for the Christmas shirts is inappropriate and over-familiar.

What have you said to him about all this?

TrishM80 · 01/11/2024 00:14

I think OP is paranoid. Surely if your husband had a thing for this woman, he'd be making it his business to go into the office as often as possible, not every couple of months!

And your constant sniping and insults at this woman make you come across as a nasty piece of work.

MsDogLady · 01/11/2024 02:15

It is odd indeed. He doesn’t see Lara frequently, approximately every 6 weeks plus randomly running into her, but when he does he appears to be captivated. If he is staring a hole through her in front of you, he must be doing so at work.

@kinsey681, does he contact her online during the day when working remotely?

CottonCandyLand · 01/11/2024 04:06

Mls1984btc · 31/10/2024 22:15

painted doll face, ditzy, not much in the way in the way of bust. How we women treat and think of another woman is truly fascinating!

I agree, OP’s comments are pretty disappointing

category12 · 01/11/2024 05:33

OP, I think you should really avoid being unpleasant about the woman to him, as it will most likely put his back up more than anything else. It'll make you the bad guy.

I think it's probable he does fancy her.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't also fancy you (your body type) if she is different.

People have broader tastes than that generally, and it may be he likes her manner/personality/the feeling she gives him more than her appearance.

MadamAlf · 01/11/2024 08:40

I think you are overreacting @kinsey681 because from what you've described, all that is happening is that you've seen him staring at her face and you know that he talks to her occasionally.
She might be one of those people who are unwittingly captivating to some people. If she looks like a young Emanuelle Beart then I can quite understand why he might be staring at her face. I would be too, and I am a straight woman.
Some people are just lovely to look at. Some people are lovely to talk with. She obviously is both, to your DH anyway.
Please put yourself in her shoes. The chances are that she is a lovely young woman who is guileless, who responds with grace when someone like your husband speaks to her, i.e. she engages in conversation and laughs at his jokes because it is the polite thing to do.
I think it would do you a disservice to point out what you perceive to be faults with her appearance, to your DH. He will think you to be a shrew and this other woman will become even more favourable in his eyes.

Screamingabdabz · 01/11/2024 10:31

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 22:19

Ok, so perhaps I am tearing into this woman because I think my husband might like her. I have actually acknowledged in some of my posts that she is, probably to a lot of men, very attractive. I just find my husband's behaviour around her a bit silly.

Why punch down on her though? It’s like OW threads where women are murderous at the woman but stay with the cheating husband. The mental gymnastics baffle me.

kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:05

MsDogLady · 31/10/2024 23:54

Yes, he does give her extra attention via gawking, work/life chat,
supportive follow-up texts (atypical for him), and teasing/joking around, and she responds with more chat and lots of laughter. He enjoys that attention and reciprocation from her, and shares more life info with her than with other employees.

He clearly has a soft spot for her. I would not be impressed if my H singled out a female colleague for extended chats, giggle fests, and enchanted staring. Also, the boss telling her that she is ‘far too teeny’ for the Christmas shirts is inappropriate and over-familiar.

What have you said to him about all this?

Edited

The boss is my husband...And haven't said anything yet, but I think he knows I'm not keen on this girl, because I've downplayed her achievements when he mentioned them. I'd say, 'well Tom who we know did '.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:07

OhamIreally · 31/10/2024 22:48

Gosh OP you are coming across really badly here. Smacks of you being used to being attractive and realising this is now waning.

Possibly naïve as well considering you think it's impossible your DH would cheat on you.

I can see his phone and he's with me pretty much most of the time.

I never said I used to be attractive; I've never been particularly shallow or worn make up.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:08

MadamAlf · 01/11/2024 08:40

I think you are overreacting @kinsey681 because from what you've described, all that is happening is that you've seen him staring at her face and you know that he talks to her occasionally.
She might be one of those people who are unwittingly captivating to some people. If she looks like a young Emanuelle Beart then I can quite understand why he might be staring at her face. I would be too, and I am a straight woman.
Some people are just lovely to look at. Some people are lovely to talk with. She obviously is both, to your DH anyway.
Please put yourself in her shoes. The chances are that she is a lovely young woman who is guileless, who responds with grace when someone like your husband speaks to her, i.e. she engages in conversation and laughs at his jokes because it is the polite thing to do.
I think it would do you a disservice to point out what you perceive to be faults with her appearance, to your DH. He will think you to be a shrew and this other woman will become even more favourable in his eyes.

Yes, I am not overly concerned, I just was a bit miffed at him gawking over some young woman, if that's what he's doing.

OP posts:
Brombat · 01/11/2024 13:15

My DH fancies the woman a few doors down. She's lovely, so I can see why...

Either bollock him if it makes you uncomfortable or leave him alone, don't be looking all possessive or weird.

And you're only 50, not 85 and computers were defo around when you were at college...

Jammedchakra · 01/11/2024 13:16

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:27

Well, I'm not sure, which is why I'm asking. It wouldn't be wildly unlikely for him to fancy her - the intense staring and long conversations with her, unnecessarily really, on office visits do make me think he finds her attractive.

I am sure he wouldn't act on it; he doesn't have the chance, and if he did I'm pretty certain he wouldn't. He wouldn't want to throw away 25 years of marriage for a quickie.

And yet here you are.

You may be right, but I’d talk to him about it.

He wouldn’t be the first to shock the shit out of his wife!

commonsense61 · 01/11/2024 13:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

He is a bit oblivious and obtuse, for example literally staring out this girl right in front of me, even when I put my arm around him....most men would take the hint and wind their neck in.

I think it's extremely unlikely he's cheated because he hasn't had the time or opportunity. We work from home and socialise together in the evenings.

The office is about a two hour drive from our home, hence my husband only going in once every few months (also it's not necessarily to go in more often than that). I'd know if he was sneaking around. Plus, I can literally see everything on his phone....I know the passcode....not that I've looked.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:45

Brombat · 01/11/2024 13:15

My DH fancies the woman a few doors down. She's lovely, so I can see why...

Either bollock him if it makes you uncomfortable or leave him alone, don't be looking all possessive or weird.

And you're only 50, not 85 and computers were defo around when you were at college...

I know we're not that old, but we're just not interested in social media. There was no social media in the 90s or 00s. We're not the only 50 year olds like this.

I was wary of blocking him - although I do feel like it to be honest - because I didn't want an atmosphere at home for a week or whatever. Or even for a day, however long he sulks for.

Is your neighbour a beautiful woman?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:47

Screamingabdabz · 01/11/2024 10:31

Why punch down on her though? It’s like OW threads where women are murderous at the woman but stay with the cheating husband. The mental gymnastics baffle me.

I suppose I'm just punching because my husband may like her, so I'm just trying to bring her down a peg or two and find fault with her. If I'm perfectly honest, a lot of men probably do find her beautiful. I just don't like the idea of my DH doing so!

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 01/11/2024 13:55

“I put my arm around him again”

The fact you feel you need to mark your territory is probably just your own insecurity. Nothing you wrote rings alarm bells. He might find her an attractive woman doesn’t mean he has a crush on her or he could just be looking at her because he’s paying attention to her whilst she’s speaking. You said he wouldn’t cheat and values your marriage so why worry?

Brombat · 01/11/2024 14:00

Neighbour is lovely, just lovely.

Why would he sulk?

Is he a sulker?

If you're worried, talk it through.

kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 14:02

Coconutter24 · 01/11/2024 13:55

“I put my arm around him again”

The fact you feel you need to mark your territory is probably just your own insecurity. Nothing you wrote rings alarm bells. He might find her an attractive woman doesn’t mean he has a crush on her or he could just be looking at her because he’s paying attention to her whilst she’s speaking. You said he wouldn’t cheat and values your marriage so why worry?

What's the difference between finding someone attractive and a crush? You either fancy someone or you don't...

I'm not worried for my marriage, no. I just wanted to know if he likes this younger woman. Maybe I'm just insecure, maybe I just need to let it go.

OP posts: