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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 05/11/2024 23:38

kinsey681 · 05/11/2024 22:47

Men don't see women (grown women, not teenagers, read that right!) who aren't their daughters or relatives in a fatherly sense, especially not if they find them attractive. It might be morally questionable, but biology is that men find young fertile women attractive.
And I'm not saying that this good from a moral or personal standpoint.

Well that's a load of absolute bollocks.

Disturbia81 · 06/11/2024 17:24

@kinsey681 What has your husband been filling your head with 😂 either that or you're trying to feel better by saying all men are the same. They aren't. You have one of the sleazy ones.
Plenty of older men don't, as a woman we know when a man is creeping or thinking pervy thoughts. I've known many older men and most of them just aren't like that.

kinsey681 · 09/11/2024 23:24

Disturbia81 · 06/11/2024 17:24

@kinsey681 What has your husband been filling your head with 😂 either that or you're trying to feel better by saying all men are the same. They aren't. You have one of the sleazy ones.
Plenty of older men don't, as a woman we know when a man is creeping or thinking pervy thoughts. I've known many older men and most of them just aren't like that.

Would you class staring at a woman and chatting/joking as sleazy?

OP posts:
Sheri99 · 10/11/2024 01:38

sunflowersngunpowdr · 31/10/2024 15:33

Yeah he has a crush. Talk to him about it. Tell him that you know. Remind him not to try and do anything stupid or embarrassing. Joke about it if you can. Keep an eye on it though.

This.

ForDandyPombear · 03/12/2024 18:51

kinsey681 · 03/11/2024 17:28

I think, as well, that I was less attractive than her when I was her age. I know there can always be someone better looking, and I know it isn't the only reason our DHs choose us.

I wouldn't say this to another op but since you've this intense desire to understand, yes he does fancy her and to be brutal, he can now afford women like her because chances are when you met he was too shy, poor, lacking in confidence or whatever to get a girl like her. Girls like her probably didn't give him a chance, now she looks up at him with eagerness to please, has all the time in the world to hear his silly nonsense jokes and laughs at them either because he holds the strings for her future and she's being pragmatic or diplomatic arse licking or because she likes the attention from a rich successful man in her career field, even as a side piece or a potential future girlfriend. She might have been always his type he just couldn't get one like her back then. And a 100% he has a crush. He goes out of his way to be friendly to her, showing her the 90s photo and the eye contact. He can't act normal around her because his feelings are too intense for her to keep in check, this isn't 'oh she's fit' and move on with your day kind of attraction.

Oh and about he has no time to cheat, men can wake up or sit sexting and dick snapping while in the toilet. If he wants to cheat he will find the time, I assume you don't check his computer and he has minutes of privacy through out the day. He could use a second phone hidden somewhere or a second sim on the same phone. There are ways to lock and hide apps.
I just can't believe you think he never fancied someone else before, maybe you're noticing it more because you're feeling wobbly about your own looks but I can't believe he never eyed up any other women before.

MissTrip82 · 03/12/2024 19:30

I mean obviously you do use social media because that’s what this site is. I find the way you talk about yourselves as really strange though, as if you’re old? Very odd.

He may well have a crush. It sounds like
you don’t forsee any harm coming from
it.

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