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Relationships

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Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
Gowlett · 31/10/2024 16:23

He might. But she probably has no interest.

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2024 16:24

One wrote me a poem. Another one said he would leave his wife if I just said the word 🤮. Married a man 3 years younger than me in the end.

SplendidUtterly · 31/10/2024 16:28

Yes he has a crush on her but don't worry, i doubt she is interested at all in your DH romantically.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:28

zzplex · 31/10/2024 16:18

What's the age difference? Cos she probably thinks your husband is ancient.

He might have a crush on her but it's not a foregone conclusion that she would reciprocate.

We're 50 and she's late 20s/early 30s.

I highly doubt my husband would consider cheating - that's not really my worry. There's no secrecy or lying, we spend most of our time together.

As for her, I'm not sure if she also has a crush or if she just likes chatting to him because he gives her attention. She laughs at a lot of what he says. He seems to say daft thinks to make her laugh. Like he was once, when we bumped into her, showing her a horrendous photo of himself with a bad haircut in the 90s....she was giggling a lot. I think she was surprised.

OP posts:
VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2024 16:33

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:06

Haha interesting, what do you mean by 'a bit daft'? She was just fawning over him?

A severe case of mentionitis, finding excuses to have a chat with him, the staring that you've mentioned.

She loves her husband very much, and didn't want to have a crush on anyone else, but crush happened anyway.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:38

sunflowersngunpowdr · 31/10/2024 15:33

Yeah he has a crush. Talk to him about it. Tell him that you know. Remind him not to try and do anything stupid or embarrassing. Joke about it if you can. Keep an eye on it though.

He wouldn't do anything stupid (he'd never say anything directly inappropriate or make a pass.....he is, as I've said, very honest), but as for embarrassing I'm not sure!

He told her that she's 'far too teeny' to fit into the Christmas T-shirts we've had made for the last week in the office in December...Is that embarrassing?

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:39

TheaBrandt · 31/10/2024 16:24

One wrote me a poem. Another one said he would leave his wife if I just said the word 🤮. Married a man 3 years younger than me in the end.

See, my husband is not like this, he would never consider running away with a woman he only sees every six weeks or so just because he (maybe) finds her attractive

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:40

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2024 16:33

A severe case of mentionitis, finding excuses to have a chat with him, the staring that you've mentioned.

She loves her husband very much, and didn't want to have a crush on anyone else, but crush happened anyway.

I know we don't choose who we find attractive. Did this younger builder look anything like your sister's husband?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 16:45

He could be attracted to her but I'd hope he wouldn't act upon it. If he admitted he did would you believe he wouldn't try it on with her?
I'm presuming she wouldn't be interested in a much older married man? You'd hope. I'm doing a lot of 'hoping' here.

commonsense61 · 31/10/2024 16:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 16:49

Honestly, I think it’s a bit weird the way you put your arm around him when he talks to her and the way you describe what she looks like ik detail. As if your husband only would like her if she looked like you.

Also, weird how you describe yourself as being older and then that you are in your 50’s. And that you are too old for social media. My dad who is 80 and MIL who is 90 sounds younger than the way you talk about you and your husvand.

But yes, he obviously likes her.

ginasevern · 31/10/2024 16:58

@kinsey681

"I get that men like to look at beautiful women, but I was a bit surprised at him gazing at her in front of me!"

Men like to shag beautiful women too. Just because they're socially awkward nerds doesn't mean they don't or won't. Your DH has already let his barrier slip in front of you even though he knew you were watching. My husband of 26 years liked steam railways, real ale, cricket and wore woolly jumpers - yep, full on nerd. Shy too, especially with women and he was a very nice bloke. I would've laughted until I cried if someone had told me he'd have an affair. Guess what happened!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2024 16:59

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:40

I know we don't choose who we find attractive. Did this younger builder look anything like your sister's husband?

Haha, my BIL wishes! No, BIL isn't a bad looking guy, but he is and always has been a geek, and dresses and carries himself in the way you'd stereotypically picture a geek. (And that's not meant as an insult. I too am your stereotypical nerd, and I know that some people find that damn hot!)

Builder guy was rather more on the muscular side (as you'd expect from someone doing manual labour), long hair, couple of tattoos. I know nothing about the man but I'd bet money on him owning a couple of surf boards.

I don't think most peoples crushes look much like their spouse. I think people having a type in general is wildly overexaggerated, all of my exes look wildly different from each other. Chemistry is more about how two people fit together than how they look, and besides, presumably a crush is at least partially about scratching an itch you're not getting scratched at home.

And anyway, men are fairly simple. For most of us, thinking someone fancies us is all it takes, doesn't matter about the looks.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:16

BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 16:45

He could be attracted to her but I'd hope he wouldn't act upon it. If he admitted he did would you believe he wouldn't try it on with her?
I'm presuming she wouldn't be interested in a much older married man? You'd hope. I'm doing a lot of 'hoping' here.

I am very very sure he wouldn't try it on with her, even if he did fancy her. We've been married 25 years, almost 26, and he's never been sneaky. He's a bit socially awkward and an open book.

As for the woman, I have no idea whether she likes my husband or not. On the few times we've bumped into her, she does laugh a lot of what he says, but then my husband does say really daft, zany things to make her laugh

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:18

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 16:49

Honestly, I think it’s a bit weird the way you put your arm around him when he talks to her and the way you describe what she looks like ik detail. As if your husband only would like her if she looked like you.

Also, weird how you describe yourself as being older and then that you are in your 50’s. And that you are too old for social media. My dad who is 80 and MIL who is 90 sounds younger than the way you talk about you and your husvand.

But yes, he obviously likes her.

Edited

Well, I guess 50 is not really old nowadays, just middle aged, but me and the DH are not really interested in social media. We know plenty of other people our age who also aren't. I know many are.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:23

ginasevern · 31/10/2024 16:58

@kinsey681

"I get that men like to look at beautiful women, but I was a bit surprised at him gazing at her in front of me!"

Men like to shag beautiful women too. Just because they're socially awkward nerds doesn't mean they don't or won't. Your DH has already let his barrier slip in front of you even though he knew you were watching. My husband of 26 years liked steam railways, real ale, cricket and wore woolly jumpers - yep, full on nerd. Shy too, especially with women and he was a very nice bloke. I would've laughted until I cried if someone had told me he'd have an affair. Guess what happened!

I know what you're saying, it's just that my husband is very honest, and there hasn't been any time or opportunity for sneakiness. I also know that - shock horror - he is genuinely a nice man who does love me and value our marriage.

Not all men act on their crushes, if he does have one.

We spend most of our time together; when he isn't with me, I know where he is, not because I'm some kind of stalker, but just because when he goes out he mentions where it is. We spend a lot of time together, cycling or hiking during the day, or working from home, and then to local bars/pubs on Friday nights and weekends. I rambled a bit there, but the point I'm making is there's been no secrecy with him.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Well, I'm not sure, which is why I'm asking. It wouldn't be wildly unlikely for him to fancy her - the intense staring and long conversations with her, unnecessarily really, on office visits do make me think he finds her attractive.

I am sure he wouldn't act on it; he doesn't have the chance, and if he did I'm pretty certain he wouldn't. He wouldn't want to throw away 25 years of marriage for a quickie.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 17:28

@kinsey681 from what you say as long as you can understand he may have an attraction that won't impact your relationship then I guess it's just one of those things that can happen. I wonder how he'd be if you became very fond of a handsome young male colleague?

commonsense61 · 31/10/2024 17:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:34

BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 17:28

@kinsey681 from what you say as long as you can understand he may have an attraction that won't impact your relationship then I guess it's just one of those things that can happen. I wonder how he'd be if you became very fond of a handsome young male colleague?

Not sure to be honest - I don't think women fawn over younger men quite as often as men crush on younger women. Not saying ever, but less often.

Part of me wanted to pick some flaws in this girl and point them out to him next time we bump into her and he chats to her. I could say, 'well that top wasn't doing her a lot of favours, she doesn't have the cleavage for it', a bit jokingly. I don't have huge boobs either, but decent I think, and this girl seems to be on the smaller side. Maybe I just sound like a bitter woman here though!

OP posts:
TomPinch · 31/10/2024 17:36

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:40

I know we don't choose who we find attractive. Did this younger builder look anything like your sister's husband?

I think my DW has occasionally had a crush. The men have looked nothing like me. To be honest, I'd have been more worried if they did!

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Well, the only off thing is really how he looks at her and his chatting to her, but when he does chat to her, he's in the office and there's other people around. So there isn't anything 'off' in the sense of any suggestion of snideness on his part. So it might seem like I'm making a mountain over a molehill (husband stares at another woman...so what?), but I don't think it's very nice tbh

OP posts:
GinaDreamsofRunningAway · 31/10/2024 17:37

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:34

Not sure to be honest - I don't think women fawn over younger men quite as often as men crush on younger women. Not saying ever, but less often.

Part of me wanted to pick some flaws in this girl and point them out to him next time we bump into her and he chats to her. I could say, 'well that top wasn't doing her a lot of favours, she doesn't have the cleavage for it', a bit jokingly. I don't have huge boobs either, but decent I think, and this girl seems to be on the smaller side. Maybe I just sound like a bitter woman here though!

You seem jealous of her. There is no need to put another woman down to make yourself feel better. But you do need to work on yourself and why you feel so threatened by her. She obviously makes you feel insecure about yourself.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:38

TomPinch · 31/10/2024 17:36

I think my DW has occasionally had a crush. The men have looked nothing like me. To be honest, I'd have been more worried if they did!

Worried if they looked like you? What makes you say that?

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if my DH had a crush on a woman who looked nothing like me, but I would feel a bit jealous.

OP posts:
pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 17:38

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:18

Well, I guess 50 is not really old nowadays, just middle aged, but me and the DH are not really interested in social media. We know plenty of other people our age who also aren't. I know many are.

It’s not that. It’s fine not to have social media. It’s that you think you are too old for it. When you are in your 50’s.

It’s like you are making yourself old before your time. Odd.

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