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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
MissHalloween · 03/11/2024 20:36

I don’t think you being thin stops your DH fancying another woman, I don’t think the two things are. related.

Disturbia81 · 03/11/2024 20:56

MissHalloween · 03/11/2024 20:36

I don’t think you being thin stops your DH fancying another woman, I don’t think the two things are. related.

No not when you're with a sleazy man with a wandering eye.. you could be the slimmest celeb with a perfect body and beautiful face and men like that will be looking for the next thing.

kinsey681 · 03/11/2024 21:24

Disturbia81 · 03/11/2024 20:56

No not when you're with a sleazy man with a wandering eye.. you could be the slimmest celeb with a perfect body and beautiful face and men like that will be looking for the next thing.

I know what you're saying. I wouldn't say my husband is 'sleazy' - I know pretty much where he is all the time, we're together an awful lot of the time.

I am slim for my age, but I don't have a gorgeous celebrity body or face. Not that that matters.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 04/11/2024 10:05

MissHalloween · 03/11/2024 20:36

I don’t think you being thin stops your DH fancying another woman, I don’t think the two things are. related.

No of course it doesn’t. This young woman is very slim, thinner than I am. Not that this makes a difference

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 10:22

@kinsey681 I totally get this is making you feel insecure- thing is you won't stop men finding other women attractive and yes personally I can always tell if they do - question is let's presume he does, what do you want to do about it given you can't really stop it. ? Unless he's taking it further I probably would make a heavily loaded joke about it- 'get your eyes back in your head' kind of thing- make it obvious you are aware. My H made an idiot of himself at41 with a21 year old- emotional entanglement- wrote songs ( and recorded them) and poems about her - I don't find out till11 years later- all stuffed in a drawer- no idea if she had any idea, he swears it was just a huge crush- and essays time when other things in life were going to shit- made me feel like total shit I can assure you and I've never felt 100% the same since, so yes I know the feeling- if I had known at the time I would almost certainly have left him for being so unkind and disrespectful - but acting on an attraction in any way is very different to just being a bit OTT with his obvious appreciation. I personally would make it very known you are aware and he looks a twat.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 10:49

@kinsey681 and yes I thought my H was above this kind of behaviour too - he's definitely not 'a player' - I'm afraid it seems that few men are above it as it's massive ego boost. It's shock to realise it, but sometimes we need to knock them off that pedestal - I find it worse if you have them on a bit of a pedestal and quite a codependent relationship- and I suspect that you are in that position- I was.

idkbroidk · 04/11/2024 14:23

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:34

Not sure to be honest - I don't think women fawn over younger men quite as often as men crush on younger women. Not saying ever, but less often.

Part of me wanted to pick some flaws in this girl and point them out to him next time we bump into her and he chats to her. I could say, 'well that top wasn't doing her a lot of favours, she doesn't have the cleavage for it', a bit jokingly. I don't have huge boobs either, but decent I think, and this girl seems to be on the smaller side. Maybe I just sound like a bitter woman here though!

are you trying to come across as a bitter old woman? because you very much are coming across as a bitter old woman

Christwosheds · 04/11/2024 14:26

SnugCoralFinch · 31/10/2024 13:38

Yes more than likely. But crushes are harmless everyone has them. Although it does sound like he’s been a bit obvious here it’s only an issue if it’s acted on.

Agree with this.

Mls1984btc · 04/11/2024 15:09

kinsey681 · 02/11/2024 21:06

We'd run into her on the street near to the office when we were in town (we don't live locally to the office). My husband had just got a hair cut. He asked this girl what she'd been up to, where she'd been, and then said he'd just got a haircut, his first one in ages. It went from there.

Did he include you in the conversation? Introduce you etc?

Disturbia81 · 04/11/2024 16:48

Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 10:22

@kinsey681 I totally get this is making you feel insecure- thing is you won't stop men finding other women attractive and yes personally I can always tell if they do - question is let's presume he does, what do you want to do about it given you can't really stop it. ? Unless he's taking it further I probably would make a heavily loaded joke about it- 'get your eyes back in your head' kind of thing- make it obvious you are aware. My H made an idiot of himself at41 with a21 year old- emotional entanglement- wrote songs ( and recorded them) and poems about her - I don't find out till11 years later- all stuffed in a drawer- no idea if she had any idea, he swears it was just a huge crush- and essays time when other things in life were going to shit- made me feel like total shit I can assure you and I've never felt 100% the same since, so yes I know the feeling- if I had known at the time I would almost certainly have left him for being so unkind and disrespectful - but acting on an attraction in any way is very different to just being a bit OTT with his obvious appreciation. I personally would make it very known you are aware and he looks a twat.

Can't believe you're still married.. she was 21.. he should be looking at women like that in a fatherly sense. So gross. I couldn't have stayed

Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 19:47

@Disturbia81 can't quite believe it myself - if I had known at the time I would have walked- finding out 11 years later I wasn't in a great position just to walk - but I've never felt 100% the same I admit . I think there was some kind of mutual emotional thing as she texted him a lot- I had the bills from the time, never noticed it at the time. Don't know if it was more- he says not but who knows.

IcyLilacZebra · 04/11/2024 20:24

He fancies her definitely

icelolly12 · 04/11/2024 20:34

This reply has been deleted

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Mls1984btc · 04/11/2024 20:35

Hope you're okay OP. Have a chat with your dh and express how uneasy you feel with his behaviour. None of this has anything to do with you, i.e. not attractive, doll face, slim , busty etc. It doesn't help if a guy is intend on cheating, even if his wife is the super model!

moggo · 04/11/2024 20:50

I thought exactly the same thing as you about my exh, right up to the point I found out he had been cheating throughout most of our marriage. You absolutely cannot continue to be that sure that your dh would never cheat. In my view, any man would cheat given the right circumstances. I know that sounds cynical but it's my own experience.
All I'm saying is keep your eyes and ears open and don't blindly believe he wouldn't do it.

CherryBlossom321 · 04/11/2024 21:06

kinsey681 · 01/11/2024 13:47

I suppose I'm just punching because my husband may like her, so I'm just trying to bring her down a peg or two and find fault with her. If I'm perfectly honest, a lot of men probably do find her beautiful. I just don't like the idea of my DH doing so!

Have you told him? It might be helpful to give him a heads-up if it’s that obvious, he could end up in hot water if he’s seen by his staff to be behaving inappropriately around her. But honestly, the biggest thing that stands out here, from what you’ve posted, is that you have significant insecurities and self-esteem issues. Focus on addressing them - it’s the best thing you could do for yourself.

5128gap · 04/11/2024 21:29

The most telling thing here is that you've noticed he looks at her with 'the look'. You'll know the look and recognise it. So yes, he has got a crush on her. However as long as he's not trying to progress it, being sleezy to her or disrespectful or neglectful of you, I'd personally just ignore it. Its unlikely to be reciprocated and even if it were, it's a huge leap from crush to affair. As for her not looking like you, so what? Can you hand on heart say you have never found a man attractive unless he looked exactly like your husband? Most of us don't have a strict type and can find lots of different people attractive. Don't compare yourself with this young woman. She has her beauty, you have yours.

Disturbia81 · 04/11/2024 23:02

Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 19:47

@Disturbia81 can't quite believe it myself - if I had known at the time I would have walked- finding out 11 years later I wasn't in a great position just to walk - but I've never felt 100% the same I admit . I think there was some kind of mutual emotional thing as she texted him a lot- I had the bills from the time, never noticed it at the time. Don't know if it was more- he says not but who knows.

Yeah I can understand so much time passing that it kind of softens it. But I would now know what he's like and know he's still viewing 20 year olds in that way even though he's now in his 50s. I just couldn't sleep with him or respect him. But I understand it can be hard to leave with intertwined lives etc

It's so so disrespectful to make your older wife feel insecure and not good enough..

Crikeyalmighty · 04/11/2024 23:30

@Disturbia81 yes it is- I guess he thought I would never know.

Enough4me · 04/11/2024 23:45

I'd ask him about her in a curious and caring way, "X seems like such a lovely young girl, I hope she has success in the future. Bet she has a nice young man and will fit children in as well as career". See if he agrees, or if he aligns himself closer to her (oh no, I think she isn't keen on younger men).

Vax · 05/11/2024 07:37

Maybe she makes him feel young. You're banging on about being thin 'for your age' and being too old for social media.

50 isn't old. Maybe he wants to live a bit.

MissHalloween · 05/11/2024 07:52

Its unlikely to be reciprocated and even if it were, it's a huge leap from crush to affair

I think there can be a small leap from crush to emotional affair in some cases. Already the texting has started, he’s taking an interest in her, talking about books, possibly mentoring her etc. Even if she’s not interested one bit it’s taking energy away from his marriage. He could be comparing his wife to the young woman and seeing her with new eyes, after all who wouldn’t like a shiny new model of something or someone. Also I bet he’s thinking about her quite a bit.
I don’t know what the solution is but I think I would call him out on his staring/looking and tell him he looks like an old pervert when he does so.

kinsey681 · 05/11/2024 22:45

Mls1984btc · 04/11/2024 15:09

Did he include you in the conversation? Introduce you etc?

Not until after I'd been putting my around him for a good few minutes to get him to stop staring and being amazed by what this girl was saying. The first time I met her, he hadn't told her much about me, even though she and I both did the same course at college (university in the UK)

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 05/11/2024 22:47

Disturbia81 · 04/11/2024 16:48

Can't believe you're still married.. she was 21.. he should be looking at women like that in a fatherly sense. So gross. I couldn't have stayed

Men don't see women (grown women, not teenagers, read that right!) who aren't their daughters or relatives in a fatherly sense, especially not if they find them attractive. It might be morally questionable, but biology is that men find young fertile women attractive.
And I'm not saying that this good from a moral or personal standpoint.

OP posts:
Mls1984btc · 05/11/2024 23:22

kinsey681 · 05/11/2024 22:45

Not until after I'd been putting my around him for a good few minutes to get him to stop staring and being amazed by what this girl was saying. The first time I met her, he hadn't told her much about me, even though she and I both did the same course at college (university in the UK)

OP that's not good and is rude of him to behave like this.

My ex used to steal glances at attractive women behind my back. I find that highly disrespectful and once were alone, I actually point out his behaviours to him, not out of jealousy but with dignity. I deserve be treated respectfully. He doesn't like it when good looking man used to hover even when I didn't court the attention. I didn't respond to the attention out of respect to him.

Have a chat with your dh clear the air. His response will be telling.