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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

206 replies

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 13:05

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

OP posts:
ginasevern · 31/10/2024 17:39

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:23

I know what you're saying, it's just that my husband is very honest, and there hasn't been any time or opportunity for sneakiness. I also know that - shock horror - he is genuinely a nice man who does love me and value our marriage.

Not all men act on their crushes, if he does have one.

We spend most of our time together; when he isn't with me, I know where he is, not because I'm some kind of stalker, but just because when he goes out he mentions where it is. We spend a lot of time together, cycling or hiking during the day, or working from home, and then to local bars/pubs on Friday nights and weekends. I rambled a bit there, but the point I'm making is there's been no secrecy with him.

Yes indeed. Like I said, my DH was an exceptionally nice bloke and very honest. We spent almost every waking moment together, we ran a business together. I never thought for one moment he'd have the opportunity and least of all the ability to lie. I do believe that he loved me and valued our marriage too but when men have affairs it isn't necessarily for all the old cliches - bad marriage, lack of sex, he was "the type" or he had a nervous breakdown. They often act simply on opportunity because, unlike most women, they see sex as a very seperate issue from love. They also (even the most unlikely ones like my DH) are suckers for having their egos massaged and what could better than attention from another woman. I mean, seriously OP you really don't know what he's doing all the time and these days men have an instant gadget in their pockets or on their desks to connect to anyone and anything at anytime.

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 17:40

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:34

Not sure to be honest - I don't think women fawn over younger men quite as often as men crush on younger women. Not saying ever, but less often.

Part of me wanted to pick some flaws in this girl and point them out to him next time we bump into her and he chats to her. I could say, 'well that top wasn't doing her a lot of favours, she doesn't have the cleavage for it', a bit jokingly. I don't have huge boobs either, but decent I think, and this girl seems to be on the smaller side. Maybe I just sound like a bitter woman here though!

Why would you talk like that about another woman!? Like you are better??

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:42

@GinaDreamsofRunningAway

I don't feel threatened by her in any real sense - I know my husband very well and am very sure he hasn't considered cheating. I perhaps do feel a little jealous and irked about the idea that my husband might fancy her, because she looks nothing like me....Surely that's normal? It doesn't make me a terrible person.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:44

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 17:40

Why would you talk like that about another woman!? Like you are better??

Ok, I don't think I'm 'better', but just different. It's just the fact that my husband (might) fancy a woman who looks nothing like me. I was just trying to put him off her a bit, if he does like her. Maybe he hasn't noticed her lack of chest...:/

OP posts:
GinaDreamsofRunningAway · 31/10/2024 17:47

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:42

@GinaDreamsofRunningAway

I don't feel threatened by her in any real sense - I know my husband very well and am very sure he hasn't considered cheating. I perhaps do feel a little jealous and irked about the idea that my husband might fancy her, because she looks nothing like me....Surely that's normal? It doesn't make me a terrible person.

Its fine to feel jealous and it doesn't make you a bad person but there is no need to pick up on any flaws or find a way to put her down. That is not nice. But that is obviously the jealous side, wanting to find fault in this woman.

If I am honest I believe you when you say you don't feel threatened and that you know you DH and you are sure he wouldn't cheat. Some of the comments on here have him guilty already and I am pretty sure he is just a bit attracted to her and intrigued by her. But you need to find a way to deal with your feelings of jealousy about this. I do feel its your own self confidence and self esteem that maybe has you feeling like this. Does she make you feel bad about yourself?

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 17:50

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:44

Ok, I don't think I'm 'better', but just different. It's just the fact that my husband (might) fancy a woman who looks nothing like me. I was just trying to put him off her a bit, if he does like her. Maybe he hasn't noticed her lack of chest...:/

It obviously doesn’t matter to him one bit either way.

The13thFairy · 31/10/2024 17:57

'He has no social media' is not the same as 'he has no social media that you are aware of.'

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:59

GinaDreamsofRunningAway · 31/10/2024 17:47

Its fine to feel jealous and it doesn't make you a bad person but there is no need to pick up on any flaws or find a way to put her down. That is not nice. But that is obviously the jealous side, wanting to find fault in this woman.

If I am honest I believe you when you say you don't feel threatened and that you know you DH and you are sure he wouldn't cheat. Some of the comments on here have him guilty already and I am pretty sure he is just a bit attracted to her and intrigued by her. But you need to find a way to deal with your feelings of jealousy about this. I do feel its your own self confidence and self esteem that maybe has you feeling like this. Does she make you feel bad about yourself?

I don't know if I feel bad about myself, I think I'm just annoyed at my husband for (maybe) liking her, when I think she's probably rather silly and a little ditz. Lots of the comments here are jumping ahead a lot - there's been nothing to suggest any kind of cheating, or even attempt to cheat.

I think I feel slightly jealous because, as I think I mentioned in my original post, this woman looks nothing like me. I looked nothing like her when I was her age. I didn't think my husband would like that type.

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:59

The13thFairy · 31/10/2024 17:57

'He has no social media' is not the same as 'he has no social media that you are aware of.'

I can see all the apps that are on his home screen though. There aren't that many.

OP posts:
Lionsdenoffools · 31/10/2024 18:01

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 16:40

I know we don't choose who we find attractive. Did this younger builder look anything like your sister's husband?

Not everybody has a type but also not everybody’s type like them back.

Id say most people settle, so it wouldn’t be unusual to catch the other half eyeing up people who look very different.

Thierrymugler · 31/10/2024 18:01

Having a crush and acting on said crush are two different things.

As you keep saying, he’s honest and an open book, so it sounds like you have nothing to worry about.

Maybe with the staring he was trying to look like he was interested, (in what she was saying) but maybe stared too much and realised he’d done so, hence the less staring after.

With regards to the “not looking like you” I had a massssssssive crush on Rory Mcann when I was with my ex. He looks NOTHING like my ex. My ex was younger than me, red head, blue eyes and not very tall. Rory is tall, brown eyes, a beard and older than me. So we can sometimes like opposites.

stillavid · 31/10/2024 18:03

Lordy, do not mention her cleavage unless you really want to give him the green light to stare at her boobs!

It does sound like he likes her. Maybe she likes him too - who knows but you possessively putting your arm around him every time you bump into her is a little odd.

Just keep a watchful eye on things and believe me, no one is ever too busy to have an affair - if they want to, they will.

Jessie1259 · 31/10/2024 18:08

Oh god I couldn't just let that go on without comment. 'Why do you keep staring at x so intently every time we bump into her? She's 25 years younger than you and it's really creepy.'

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:14

Jessie1259 · 31/10/2024 18:08

Oh god I couldn't just let that go on without comment. 'Why do you keep staring at x so intently every time we bump into her? She's 25 years younger than you and it's really creepy.'

I thought putting my arm around him when he was gawping would make him stop...he seemed oblivious though and just carried on. Eventually he did turn around to me and make some inane comment about someone we know also liking the same book as this girl does (that's what DH and her were discussing)

OP posts:
MissHalloween · 31/10/2024 18:15

Yes he does fancy her and it’s nearly always the husbands who you think will never cheat that do cheat.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:16

stillavid · 31/10/2024 18:03

Lordy, do not mention her cleavage unless you really want to give him the green light to stare at her boobs!

It does sound like he likes her. Maybe she likes him too - who knows but you possessively putting your arm around him every time you bump into her is a little odd.

Just keep a watchful eye on things and believe me, no one is ever too busy to have an affair - if they want to, they will.

I understand what you're saying, but DH has known this woman a year now, she's been in the office a year and has one more to go. He only visits the office once every six weeks/few months. If he'd wanted to sneak around behind my back, I'm sure he'd have tried to do it by now, and I'd have found out - I'm not stupid. I can see everything on his phone.... and we are mostly together. We both WFH and socialise at night together at weekend.

OP posts:
MissHalloween · 31/10/2024 18:18

It’s pretty normal to have a couple of ‘types’, I vary between posh floppy haired guys to a young Eminem (any age Eminem actually).

GinaDreamsofRunningAway · 31/10/2024 18:18

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:59

I don't know if I feel bad about myself, I think I'm just annoyed at my husband for (maybe) liking her, when I think she's probably rather silly and a little ditz. Lots of the comments here are jumping ahead a lot - there's been nothing to suggest any kind of cheating, or even attempt to cheat.

I think I feel slightly jealous because, as I think I mentioned in my original post, this woman looks nothing like me. I looked nothing like her when I was her age. I didn't think my husband would like that type.

But many people are attracted to a person and not necessarily a type. I look at my DH ex's and they are all different. One was tall with red curly hair, another was a petite brunette and I am a curvy blonde. So its a weird way to think that she doesn't look like you. My DH also looks nothing like my ExH either.

pumpkinfish · 31/10/2024 18:21

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:14

I thought putting my arm around him when he was gawping would make him stop...he seemed oblivious though and just carried on. Eventually he did turn around to me and make some inane comment about someone we know also liking the same book as this girl does (that's what DH and her were discussing)

I think you need to spell it out to him. Loud and clear. Don’t back off, if nothing else it’s disrespectful to you and you need to tell him calmly but very, very clearly that you are not a fool. Because you are not OP.

Cheezywotsitforbrekkie · 31/10/2024 18:23

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 17:34

Not sure to be honest - I don't think women fawn over younger men quite as often as men crush on younger women. Not saying ever, but less often.

Part of me wanted to pick some flaws in this girl and point them out to him next time we bump into her and he chats to her. I could say, 'well that top wasn't doing her a lot of favours, she doesn't have the cleavage for it', a bit jokingly. I don't have huge boobs either, but decent I think, and this girl seems to be on the smaller side. Maybe I just sound like a bitter woman here though!

Don’t do this. It’s petty and childish and will make you look petty and childish.

why don’t you just bring it up with him in a jokey way? Ask him jokingly if he has a crush? H may admit that he does find her attractive…and if he does, so what?

it will probably take some of the mystique out of it.

SirChenjins · 31/10/2024 18:24

He probably does - have you never had a bit of a crush on someone? It doesn’t sound like he’s about to throw away 25 years of marriage though - and she probably got the ‘he’s my man’ when you put your arm around him and stared her down!

BobbyBiscuits · 31/10/2024 18:25

@kinsey681 nooo! Don't resort to slagging off her appearance. If anything you need to tell him he needs to shut up and stop making it obvious he is perving on a much younger junior colleague. She is probably blameless in all this.

MissHalloween · 31/10/2024 18:29

I would have to pass a comment such as you know you look like an old pervert when you stare at Lara from your work, you could be her grandfather.

kinsey681 · 31/10/2024 18:29

SirChenjins · 31/10/2024 18:24

He probably does - have you never had a bit of a crush on someone? It doesn’t sound like he’s about to throw away 25 years of marriage though - and she probably got the ‘he’s my man’ when you put your arm around him and stared her down!

Edited

I didn't 'stare down' the young girl (although I might have liked to!), I did put my arm firmly around my husband though!

OP posts:
Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 18:32

I had a massive crush on an older man and my husband knew all about it. The man was crazy about me also. LOL. I am just not the type that does affairs or acts on crushes, I prefer the imagination - we are all in our own little worlds with quirks

they both do not look the same, but are the same intellectual/creative type