Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

[kinsey681]

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

@kinsey681 Didn't say he was a peadophile.. he's definitely a creepy sleazy pervert though.

@kinsey681
What I can’t understand, is how you and your husband keep bumping into her, yet you say the office where she works is two hours away from your home.

I think you're being a bit extreme here. Someone isn't a pervert for being attracted to a younger, fully grown adult. Men will naturally find fertile, young women attractive. From an evolutionary perspective, sexual attraction is based on reproduction.

We bump into her when we are in the city centre where our office is, but not actually in the office.

So what if he fancies her, though? She’s apparently beautiful and he likes looking at her, occasionally. Why is this such a problem for you that you’re obsessing about it and starting multiple MN threads?

Do you never find men other than your husband attractive?

It doesn't sound like your husband or the intern have behaved inappropriately.

He probably feels flattered that a young attractive woman would find him interesting and laugh at his dad jokes. No harm done.

He's not going out of his way to spend more time in the office, so that's probably the extent of it.

I think you're feeling hurt because of the way he was looking at her like she was the best thing since sliced bread, right in front of you. I think I'd find that a bit humiliating myself.

You need to stop policing his brain and extrapolating every minute interaction the two of them have. You're going to upset yourself and he'll get annoyed by your scrutiny.

What was the context to this OP? Were they all doing this in the office? Like something to post on the wall?

Asking because a 50-something-year-old balding obese colleague once showed me a photo of himself in his early 20s, when he used to run. He was tall, slim, physically fit back then with a full head of hair. I didn't feel uncomfortable around him and he never flirted or hit on me, but the way it was shown to me made me feel like he wanted me to see the way he looked like back then. I did wonder if he would have shown this to a male colleague as well.

@CinnamonJellyBeans
"I think you're feeling hurt because of the way he was looking at her like she was the best thing since sliced bread, right in front of you. I think I'd find that a bit humiliating myself."

^
Yes, I think this is it. And he was probably looking at her because he was thinking, 'gosh, she's pretty'. And I know that it's natural for men to do that, but I also thought he might also be doing this when he's just standing at her desk in the office. I know it's not a big deal, but I did, as you're saying, feel a little humiliated/hurt about that.

We'd run into her on the street near to the office when we were in town (we don't live locally to the office). My husband had just got a hair cut. He asked this girl what she'd been up to, where she'd been, and then said he'd just got a haircut, his first one in ages. It went from there.

@kinsey681 Sounds like there was a bit more context than my example then.

Whilst I don't think we should torture ourselves every time a partner finds someone else attractive, I can understand why you're anxious and uncomfortable about this. I think a lot of relationships get ruined by people simply dancing too close to a flame, for attraction or ego reasons.

You spend a huge amount of time with your husband because he's WFH and you seem pretty wrapped up in each other and this is fine, but it's shielded you from seeing him interact meaningfully with other females.

And yes, some of these reactions will be influenced by gender: I expect a lot of middle-aged men will pull their tummy in, stand up a little straighter and try to sound fascinating when they're talking to an attractive younger woman. They're not necessarily trying to impress her, they just want to feel impressive.

It's not intentional on his part, but if he does openly gawp next time, you might want to tell him that you feel a bit embarrassed that he hasn't had the respect to curtail this in front of you.

We do spend a lot of time together, yes. I expect he did/does want to impress this younger women because he thinks she's pretty; it's nothing deep and lots of middle aged men do it, I know. It just stung, maybe because I didn't expect it and thought he was 'above' that.

Gross.

@SallyWD Many men have managed to evolve past that.

What a low bar you have.. accepting shitty behaviour from a partner who should make you feel secure and attractive.

Of course many men find their partners very attractive. A man's loyalty and focus should always be with their long term partner. I'm about to turn 50 and I know from my husband's behaviour and actions that he still finds me attractive and desirable.
However, men haven't evolved from finding fertile young women attractive. Evolution takes millions of years. Human beings would die out if men didn't want to have sex with women who could reproduce.
And I don't have a low bar at all. I have very high expectations of my DH. I just don't think a man who finds a woman in her late 20s/early 30s attractive is a pervert.

I think all the talk of what she looks like or whatever is completely irrelevant.

You've noticed something that is out of the ordinary. For your DH and also expected behaviour for someone in a professional and more powerful role.

The fact that she is engaging out of work to the extent that she is is also weird. If your spidey senses are alert, there's a chance that there's reason for it. He might only go into the office infrequently but you both ran into her locally I think from what you wrote, so it's not inconceivable, and his slightly shifty behaviour is also odd.

Who knows, but I would do as others have said and totally front it out. And start talking about her as appropriate like his "crush" bc that's what it is. And he may be too stupid to realise you've cottoned on and read his texts. It will either make him feel like an old fool and stop it, or you'll notice more odd behaviour.

There is no fool like an old fool. And early 30s and 50 something is NOTHING when you're back in the post divorce separation dating scene - it's dismal and you realise that men do not see a lot wrong with it!

Unpopular I know but I’ve been where you were and sadly my husband’s mild fancying of an attractive younger woman turned into FAR more when she reciprocated and raised the stakes. In my head he was the most reliable, loyal, kind family man ever and this mild silly crush would never go anywhere, I mean he never left my side! I was stupid and naive.

Honestly, I am never comfortable when I read comments about husband’s texting these women in a way they wouldn’t do with other work colleagues, however innocent that looks. To me it is ‘fishing’, this is where a slippery slope can begin.

Read ‘just good friends’ by Shirley Glass and you can see how quickly these things can evolve if the other person reciprocates the attraction. And you don’t know whether they do or not. Never assume. I mean how many woman have found out about a much younger affair partner on here?

I’d have a very frank conversation with him.

Susieb2023

I totally agree, it’s funny how middle age men only have this strong urge to mentor young pretty women isn’t?

Totally but it’s also the idea that these younger woman will have no interest in the older man that I think is crazy.

Im sure most don’t but for some younger women everything that makes them a good catch reliable, trustworthy, kind, thoughtful etc to us is clear to them. Dating may have been a disaster with men their own age.

I don’t believe this woman is reciprocating from what OP has said BUT it only takes one that does for an affair to happen 🤷‍♀️

@SallyWD We'll agree to disagree then.

True, but not all men find their partners extremely attractive. Some might have grown to like them while they were dating, or they are drawn to them for other reasons.

I always have been quite thin, which is partly natural and also partly due to the fact I love sport (running, tennis). So I thought being thin for my age would also, not to sound arrogant, make me desirable, even though I don't have some incredibly beautiful doll face, if you see what I mean?

I don’t really understand how what you’ve said relates to that poster’s comment. Whether or not you’re desirable has no relevance to what they’ve said.

Very attractive people who have youth on their side always get attention especially if they are clever, kind and friendly. All of which this lovely young lady appears to be.

I expect your husband enjoys being around her and why not? He's not cheating and you've said he's been a great partner.

You're letting your insecurities about being older and perhaps feeling less attractive than a younger woman, take over your thoughts.

But he's enjoying being around her because of her age and looks. That would make most people insecure.

I think, as well, that I was less attractive than her when I was her age. I know there can always be someone better looking, and I know it isn't the only reason our DHs choose us.