Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman?

[kinsey681]

We've been married 25 years, we met at college. Neither of us are on any social media (too old, we think). All of his friends are men his own age, with a couple of younger guys thrown in. Most of our socialising is together, in local bars or pubs. The point I'm making here is this: he's very loyal, there's never any mystery about his whereabouts/who he chats to. I'm also very loyal; we both value the relationship we've built.
But there's one thing that, I suppose, is tugging at my self esteem a little. There's this younger woman at his work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, which now has several offices in our city. My husband works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important or an issue.
This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing a sort-of internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of next year, probably to join a bigger company. She's good at her job.My husband has said how impressive she is because she went to X college and can also do XYZ...
I wonder if my husband has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something (her 'long term' job applications), or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this stuff?
The most annoying thing - the thing that made me think he's attracted to her - is how I've seen him looking at her on the few occasions she's bumped into the two of us. One time, he was just staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, but he still just stared at Lara, who just carried on answering my husband's questions. She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he did look back down at his phone. He kept looking at her to speak, then back at his phone, then back at her again....I think he maybe knew I was watching him this time....
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair ; Lara has long hair and large, round eyes, a tiny bit like Emanuelle Beart, but with small lips....If you see what I mean...
My husband has never commented on this girl's appearance, and if I ask him he'll probably say, 'oh, no, she's not all that pretty, she's just a nice girl', or something to that effect. Or that she's young and looks like a college kid?
What do you think?

From your description I'll say I'm 80% sure that your husband likes this young woman.

And like most if not all pps say, the issue lies with your husband, not her. There's no need to bring her down a peg - she is not related/married to you. The woman is not the problem - your husband is the cause of your insecurities and discomfort. Seeing that the communication between you is strong, you shouldn't have any problem articulating these to him.

There’s a big difference just hard to explain. Just because you can see someone is attractive it doesn’t mean you fancy them. I can look at someone who is attractive, appreciate they are attractive but not fancy them. Honestly I would just let it go, if you know nothing is going to happen and he wouldn’t cheat why cause an issue. Even if he does find her attractive. I’d only be concerned if he started to act on it

If my DH did this sort of thing I would just tell him he's being a creepy middle aged man and younger women pick up on it just as I have and will feel uncomfortable with the obvious 'gawping' even if he thinks it's subtle.

Don’t we all have crushes at some point? Crushes are a very normal, healthy part of human experience; to see something attractive in someone else. As long as a crush exists only in the imagination there is no need for any impact in our relationship with our partner.

If the OPs DH really does indeed have a crush on his colleague then it does not have to be a concern. A crush can add an element of excitement and fun to our lives, which can be a positive to a relationship.

I think it's a fairly simple distinction.

Finding someone attractive means that have a quality that attracts you. Usually that means you find them visually appealing, but it can be something else. Every so often you get a thread of here that seems to indicate that most women find someone who can reverse competently attractive.

Having a crush is more than that, it's a "I would like to form a romantic relationship with this person, I would like to have sex with them.". Crushes tend to hang around because you can't fulfill that wish, either because the other person isn't interested or because you're already in a relationship with someone.

Finding fault with her and putting her down to him just makes you look spiteful and jealous, 'though.

He'll probably just think less of you, and shut down about her to you so you won't know what's going on.

Yes, it's annoying that he's mooning over her, but it's not her fault. She doesn't need bringing down a peg or two. She's not doing anything wrong by existing in your husband's field of vision.

You need to box a bit more cleverly than being mean about her.

It sounds like your problem isn't her or your husband finding her attractive. I'm pretty certain my husband finds other women attractive and interesting too. But it sounds like what bothers you is that he was giving her undivided attention and in awe of her. And that's something you don't get from him anymore. Even though you know he'd never cheat it still hurts to not get the same attention. I'd talk to him and say how you feel.

We work from home and socialise together in the evenings

He's probably excited at having someone else to talk to.

He doesn't look at others like that though, or spend as much time chatting to them at work.

Your husband clearly finds this lady attractive. There's nothing wrong with that in itself. It is wrong however that he's acting in an inappropriate manner with a junior colleague. Tell him to stop gawping at women young enough to be his daughter and stop focusing on this young woman's bust size and "painted face". The problem is your husband not this young lady.

You don’t need apps. I’ve never used the facebook app - I use the browser still.

Have you ever heard of private browsing?

If she looks like that actress I think most men would think shes hot.

@kinsey681 what do you mean by ‘ditz?

I find this post really strange @kinsey681 You are writing this as if you were born in 1924.You talk about ‘her little painted face’ as though that’s a terrible crime. You say you wear no make-up, and talk about yourselves as though you are in your eighties. I was genuinely shocked to see you’re both only 50.

No offence whatsoever, but you seem so naive. I cannot understand why you keep repeating ‘she looks nothing like me’ Most people don’t look anything like others unless it’s their twin. You don’t only find people attractive who look absolutely identical to your partner. Blondes, brunettes, slim, shapely…all different and all can be beautiful.

Putting your arm around him makes you look ridiculous, and I can guarantee she walks away smiling, knowing you feel threatened. I think you are very naïve not realising that men go for much younger women. I also don’t understand how you keep ‘bumping into her’ when you say the office is a two hour drive from your home.

if I were in your shoes, I’d pay a little attention to myself (not saying you don’t) maybe treat myself to some new clothes, dare to dabble with a little make-up and make a comment about another attractive man. That will have more impact than making unkind remarks and making yourself look silly.

I don't understand why you're surprised he might be attracted to someone who doesn't look like you.
Throughout my life, I've found many men attractive, and none of them have looked alike! I've liked men who were black, white, Asian, brunette, blonde, tall, average height, muscular, slender. However, they've all been attractive to me in different ways.
The women DH has dated or said he finds attractive all look very different too.

Spot on.

I also imagined OP being around 80.

He's a massive sleaze if he finds much younger women attractive in that way, I wouldn't want to be with him.

As pp have said you need to ignore her she hasn't actually done anything wrong other then exist.

Your DH is the one acting inappropriate. I would approach this with him in a concerned way. Staring at his employee is really bad, embarrassing and unprofessional and could have negative side effects for him, her and the business.

Other people will have noticed, she may find him creepy and talking about it in the office. Other employees may start to feel she is getting preferential treatment or simply that your DH is an idiot and lose respect for him/her. Worse, rumours could start about affairs, they might not be true but it could be very damaging to them both.

Approaching it like this makes it clear that you don't think he is cheating but brings attention to he behaviour and how it looks to people outside the marriage.

I think there could also be a difference between thinking you'd like to have sex with someone, like a fantasy, and actually wanting to act on it in real life. You might never want to act on it because you'd ruin a relationship, but you might think about a crush and imagine it, if you see what I mean?

We don't choose who we find attractive or fancy though. We can choose how we interact with others though.

He doesn't go to the office often because it isn't necessary (most of what he does can be done remotely), and we live a two-hour drive away. It's often quicker for him to get a train there. I think he perhaps did enjoy this woman's company, but I don't think he would drive all that way JUST to see her. He's a middle-aged married man, she's a 20-something young employee of his. He isn't actually trying to start anything up with her. That's not what my question was about.

Yes, I have taken a few swipes at her looks in this thread, and yes, it might be a bit cheap but we're all human. I did, after all, say she had a little look (mainly because of her eyes) of Emanuelle Beart, who is a very beautiful actress, so overall I have been complimentary to this girl, I would say.

@kinsey681 Why are you sticking up for him now? Yes we can help it. I don't find anyone much younger than me attractive, because it's wrong. Stop moaning about your sleazy husband and then defending him

I'm not defending him, I'm just saying that he don't decide who we find attractive visually. The woman is late 20s, possibly early 30s at most. She is a grown woman. Yes, he's a good 20 years older than her, and yes it might make him creepy but he isn't a pervert or pedophile.

I think you are right, but I think we also find some people more attractive than others, some might 'wow' us more than others. Like the difference between, 'hmm, I guess she's quite cute' and, 'wow, she's gorgeous', if a man is looking at a woman.