Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

For me, it depends on the ages. My sister & BIL didn’t marry until they were 10 years in (but they were engaged 7-8 years in, and the wedding was pushed out due to Covid, so extenuating circumstances). They met when they were young and in college though, so it made sense to wait. However, I’m 27, and if I met my future husband tomorrow, I would not want to wait 9 years.

Hello. I can understand why you might you feel disappointed. A proposal can be a romantic gesture than can make you feel chosen and we have lots of images of what this should look like. But I suppose the question is what the reality is of your relationship and only you can answer that. If you’ve been together for 9 years, you could say he has already ‘chosen’ you. He’s said he wants to get married and perhaps what he wants is just to be with you and not the whole wedding thing. Or do you feel like he’s just treading water and ‘making do’ and that there is genuine reluctance there? Why is marriage so important you? I think you need to have a proper conversation about this and explain what you want and why and see where’s he’s at. For some people marriage really matters, for others less so. All the best.

I sense that you are scared to confront the issue head on because you think he will opt out & not want what you want.

But you have to know, don't keep waiting for him to "decide". Tbh, it sounds like really he already has decided but is enjoying what he gets out of the relationship as it currently stands & has no desire to rock the boat.

If you have been showing him rings you couldn't have been clearer about what you want.

Please don't stay & have kids with him if he isn't in it 100% - it's not fair on the kids.

It's tough to end things & walk away but, the more you post, the more it sounds like you and he are not on the same page here & walking away is the right thing for you to do.

This isn't about marriage.

It's about children.

I've close friends who lived together for 35 years unmarried till their 60s.
They did get married, for legal and financial reasons, in the end.

But she didn't want children at all and neither did he.

That's the difference between you and them.

You are waiting for him to propose! Why? This is not the 18th century!
Just say: "It's time we got married and started planning our family. It is what I want and you say it is what you want too so we need to get on and make plans. I suggest (this year/next May/whatever) .... what are your ideas?"

Have you proposed to him? Waiting for the man seems old fashioned and to be brutally honest he hasn't shifted himself to do anything about it so far has he? It's scary thinking if you proposed he may say no. But at least you would know rather than living in a haze of uncertainty.

You can work on this. You're already discussing on here what a poor life partner he is. It's not easy, but taking control of your situation will make your life so much better.

I haven't RTFT so sorry if I'm going over something that's already been discussed, just wanted to ask if you look after his DC or have in the past?

All of this just sounds very convenient for him and I'm not sure what you are getting from the relationship?

I think you should have left years ago OP

She's pretty much done that by showing him rings she likes.

If that's not a massive clue what is?

The reason she doesn't want to propose is she knows he doesn't want to be married and it will bring things to a head.

Or he will be a reluctant groom and it may all end in tears.

Why shouldn't women be the driving force in their own lives??

His response is usually passive. I think he would just go along with it. As I've said in other posts, he's had kids, but he's also told me he wouldn't have been bothered either way with his previous partner. I've mentioned children a few times but we've not had a proper conversation about it. I.e. I've not said i absolutely want children. It's all been hypothetical and he knows I'm trying to decide.

@TwoLittleDogs I also struggle to talk to him about these things as he doesn't like to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. It ends up with me sending him messages which I know he reads, but it's like he acts like he's never seen them. Or I get the courage to actually speak to him one night, and the next day it's like it never happened.

This is a red flag for me. Especially “getting up the courage” to speak to him. Do you feel as if you’re walking on eggshells when you want something different from what he wants? It shouldn’t be this hard to have a conversation with your partner in which you both listen and respond to the other’s points like adults. Ignoring you is a way of shutting you down and he won’t change. My ex did this and his passivity was a way of keeping things how he wanted them, never mind what I wanted, because what I wanted wasn’t important to him.

It's been 9 years. If it was going to happen with this bloke it would have.

It'll be 10 for us next April

I'm pregnant with my second as well

Was he married before? How old are his DC? What sort of Dad is he to them ... do you have a relationship with the DC (I would hope so if you've been with him nine years ... ).
I think it's highly unlikely wants to get married ... I am assuming (maybe wrongly) that you are quite a bit younger and it suits him to have a 'young' girlfriend but no responsibilities such as more DC.

If you read all her posts, she's made it very very clear that she wants to be married.

She's shown his photos of rings!

That's a proposal in my eyes.

There's no point dragging a man to the altar (or the registry office) if he's lukewarm about it.

Because in the same way you should never have to force anyone to stay in your life or do things for you, you shouldn’t have to ‘drive’ someone into wanting to propose. He should have proposed already if he wanted to get married to OP.

she can absolutely be the driving force in her own life. By leaving him and finding someone who values her and can’t wait to marry her.

Apologies if i've missed this but how old is he?
Is there an age gap between you given he has kids already?

Does he actually want to do it all again?

This 100%.

He KNOWS she wants to get married.

Bar having a flashing sign on her head, it's very clear.

She isn't pushing it as she is terrified of him saying no.

That puts an entirely new spin on things.
He's probably been married before, thus divorced, and divorces are painful and expensive.

Every man I have known who has been coerced and pestered in to marriage against his will {a war of attrition by the woman} has ended up divorced.

He's already got kids with his DNA in them, so probably won't feel the need to have more.

It's a shame about the house, but I'd think of moving on.

Marriage- having been through one I'd never ever remarry, and many divorced people feel like this.

If you really loved him, you'd not be contemplating leaving- so that gives your answer- Leave!

I would plan a spring wedding and book a venue. You will then flush out his reservations. I do hope you have not been strung along, nearly a decade of your life 🙁

But I honestly can't see myself finding another relationship.

Is that a good enough reason to stay?

I think the point is - why is it up to the man to propose? Many have suggested it, so that the OP stops being so passive.
However, I think she's clarified the situation and I doubt her proposal would have a satisfactory conclusion.

What do you mean when you say 'he's had kids' ? Is he not involved in their lives ... and if he's told you he wouldn't haven't bothered 'either way' with his previous partner what makes you think he would be a good man to have DC with? Are you new to Mumsnet? Surely you've read numerous threads on here about deadbeat Dads.

Raise your bar.

How is the relationship working for you? Do you really want kids enough to make a massive lifestyle change? As an older woman looking back, I'd take the relationship over kids any day. Pickings are slim out there and after 40 it's really difficult to find a halfway decent man.

Sadly, this is correct. Lots of people saying ditch him and find someone else, but it’s not always that easy