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Original poster

Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

502 replies

TwoLittleDogs · 26/10/2024 12:24

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Catoo · 26/10/2024 14:01

Looks like you’ll have to do something OP. If marriage is what you want, your first mistake was living with a man with no engagement and wedding date set. Men have no incentive to marry when you live with them. Then it was a mistake to stay so long despite making it clear that marriage is what you want.

So agree with PP who said you need to say - I want to get married and have children. Do you? Let’s set a date. And also PP who says the date needs to be set for next summer. If he won’t commit then you finally have your answer and you will need to break up and move on. Unless you are prepared to take marriage off the table for you.

I have two friends who were in this situation. One her partner said he didn’t want to marry her as marriage was just a piece of paper but would still live with her. She left. He was married to someone else within a year because he did want to marry the right person. Another friend broke it off, moved out and after 3 months he got in touch and proposed. When you set a boundary and stick to it, you will find out.

Don’t let him run your biological clock down. Good luck I hope he gets his act together.

💐

Colourfulduvets · 26/10/2024 14:01

Hmm, difficult one.
I invested six years in a relationship before I pushed the "let's get married or what's the point?" thing.

He agreed, we got married & went on to have kids but ultimately the marriage failed.

I don't regret it because we were happy at first and I don't regret my kids at all of course but I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't forced the issue.

Looking back, I don't think he wanted marriage or kids really; he just passively went along with it all & I think he didn't want to lose me at the time.

He wasn't that hands on when the kids were small & struggled with the responsibility of fatherhood.
He was then a wanker who instead of speaking up had affairs. Hence the split.

Now we manage to co parent well & he is a good dad, albeit on his own terms though.
He doesn't regret the kids either & finds them easier to deal with as nearly adults. But I know he would have been just as happy not to have had any.

CurlewKate · 26/10/2024 14:03

I have no desire to get married. But if I did, I would not hang around 9 years for a man to ask me. And I wouldn't hang around for 9 years waiting and then as a last resort ask myself.I don't understand why you would stay with a man who has so little regard for your wants and feelings.

alittlequinnie · 26/10/2024 14:08

I could have written your post OP - I was with my partner for 9 years - he always said he wanted to get married ... but never actually proposed....

I hit the roof when his sister got engaged after only 1 year with her fella... and he said "I was going to propose on holiday...."

... it all felt like he didn't really want to do it and I was really upset about it. Was despearate to marry him becuase I really loved him.

... In my case I'm glad I hung in there - because one day he just did it - 9.5 years in... and he was happy to set the date really quickly and we were married just under 6 months after the proposal.

Loads of people said he would never do it ... but he just had to wait until he was ready.

We've been married 16 years now - really really happy.....

In my case I would have had to stay because no other man would compare - and he was worth the wait!

KateDelRick · 26/10/2024 14:09

@alittlequinnie , he had to wait until he was ready? So there was no discussion about what was right for you as a couple?

KateDelRick · 26/10/2024 14:10

CurlewKate · 26/10/2024 14:03

I have no desire to get married. But if I did, I would not hang around 9 years for a man to ask me. And I wouldn't hang around for 9 years waiting and then as a last resort ask myself.I don't understand why you would stay with a man who has so little regard for your wants and feelings.

Quite. I think some women have very low self esteem.

Colourfulduvets · 26/10/2024 14:11

CurlewKate · 26/10/2024 14:03

I have no desire to get married. But if I did, I would not hang around 9 years for a man to ask me. And I wouldn't hang around for 9 years waiting and then as a last resort ask myself.I don't understand why you would stay with a man who has so little regard for your wants and feelings.

This is sensible advice.
Looking back, I can see that I should probably have had the courage to move on to someone who was more on the same page as me.

My exH had also said all the right things about marriage at first but avoided the topic as time went on. I should have read those signs differently but I was very aware of my biological clock ticking and the time invested in the relationship.

It's hard, but listen to the advice on here & think carefully about your next move.

StressedQueen · 26/10/2024 14:16

DH and I got married after 3 years of knowing each other. But I think I wouldn't have minded waiting longer because we were still pretty young.

I'd just ask him what he wants. If he doesn't want marriage and children, there is no point staying unfortunately. He seems to be being very vague. You need to be certain you have the same wants in the future. It'll be sad to have ended a 9 year relationship if you clearly love each other but as you say you're getting older, you need to make a firm decision.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 07:48

WhitneyBaby · 26/10/2024 12:26

I wouldn’t be bothered about a proposal but if I wanted marriage and DC then no I wouldn’t stay
How old are you?

I'm mid-30s.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 27/10/2024 07:53

Dh moved in after 3 months proposed after 9 months - when someone wants something they make it happen.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 27/10/2024 07:54

It's a big, joint life decision. You have to have an honest conversation, but you also have to be willing to hear the answer.

There's no point trying to discus it unless he knows he has the option of saying truthfully that no, he doesn't want to get married (maybe not to you, maybe not at all).

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 07:56

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 26/10/2024 12:33

Do you want children?

I'm on the fence as there are a lot of things to consider, but know it's something that I need to decide on ASAP. My partner isn't bothered either way about this, and he already has kids from a previous relationship. I'm really just trying to get my bearings on whether to stay in this relationship, push things myself (as other posters have advised), or leave.

OP posts:
MsMila · 27/10/2024 07:57

Why are you waiting on him proposing? If you wit, do it.

Piggled · 27/10/2024 07:57

I never understand the advice saying ‘just propose yourself’ - no woman wants to feel like she’s dragging her fiancé down the aisle. I know couples where the wife has just gone ahead and booked the church, the man goes along with it and then within a few years he’s cheating and they ‘stay together for the kids’. So depressing.

he doesn’t want to get married. I would leave.

KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 07:58

TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 07:56

I'm on the fence as there are a lot of things to consider, but know it's something that I need to decide on ASAP. My partner isn't bothered either way about this, and he already has kids from a previous relationship. I'm really just trying to get my bearings on whether to stay in this relationship, push things myself (as other posters have advised), or leave.

Show quote history

Does he want children with you? How did that conversation go?

Vettrianofan · 27/10/2024 07:59

I would have left after a year and moved on.

LemonPeonies · 27/10/2024 08:00

Is it more important to have a good relationship (If you're generally happy) or to be married? If the latter, have an open and direct conversation with him and set a deadline. And stick to it.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:01

Tiredofthewhirring · 26/10/2024 12:28

Why on earth haven't you proposed to him?

That's a very good question. I think I just expected that he would and I have the view that if I do it, I'm just dragging him along. At least if he does it, I know he truly means it and cares enough about me to go to the effort. My parents had a very unromantic approach, had children and then my mum told my dad 'we might as well get married.' Their whole relationship was a disaster.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2024 08:03

My partner isn't bothered either way about this, and he already has kids from a previous relationship

Don't you think your potential children deserve better than someone who essentially is going to be able to say to you "you wanted the kids, you deal with them"?

What sort of a father is he to the ones he's already got?

I think you should probably find someone a lot more keen on marriage (and kids if you decideyou do want them) than this guy.

KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 08:05

You are not your parents.
Sorry to be so direct, but you have to stop being passive, and take some initiative. Have you had a discussion about marriage and children? If you think you're just "dragging him along" then it's pointless.
Talk about your joint future and make joint decisions. Or end it.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:09

YellowRoom · 26/10/2024 12:27

You sound quite passive - but this is your life and your happiness at stake, so you shouldn't be! What do you want? Marriage this year, ttc next? Tell him what you want. Are you worried about what his response will he? If he doesn't want these things, you need to know now. 9 years is a long time.

I'm assuming his response will be yes, but it's also the principle of me asking him. I feel like for me personally, it will just add resentment. He knows it's something I want, I've brought it up multiple times, I've sent him pictures of rings I like. I've also not fully decided on children, but I also know I don't have a lot of time to mull it over. The thought of getting too old to conceive does upset me, and I didn't realise how much the marriage thing upset me until an event that happened this week. It's definitely one of those where if all the circumstances of my life were correct, I would get married and have children in a heart beat.

OP posts:
Piggled · 27/10/2024 08:10

Proposing is an opportunity a man gets to demonstrate how much he cherishes and loves his partner and making a declaration that he never wants to part from her.

he also knows it would mean something to you and isn’t doing it.

it isn’t about being ‘passive’. You will not feel good about getting married if you’ve had to be the driving force behind all of it.

Gowlett · 27/10/2024 08:12

I think agreeing to get married, as in discussing it, then arranging it is sensible. I don’t think we had a proposal, I don’t have an engagement ring. We didn’t announce anything.

Marriage is a contractual obligation. So it’s important both parties considering it seriously. A wedding, on the other hand, is a celebration. And nice thing to mark the commitment.

Dontbeme · 27/10/2024 08:12

Go to a solicitor and get advice on how to force a sale of your joint home and get financial advice on setting yourself up solo in a new home.

Sorry to be blunt OP but this guy doesn't want to marry you, you have helped provide a home for him and his DC from a previous relationship, his life is made easier and more affordable by you. But what the fck is he doing for you? He will dangle that marriage carrot forever to keep you providing for him and his kids while you live a half life of tolerable unhappiness.

BrucesTooth · 27/10/2024 08:12

I don't think it's always a bad thing to not get married for a long time (if you want to be married) but it does really depend on your ages, and your shared plans. Marriage was always in our plan, after getting qualifications, decent jobs, a house, doing it up, then get married, then kids. It's sounds like you haven't really got a shared view of the future,marriage, kids etc, just staying as you are. I think that's the key- at mid 30's, I think you really need to think about what you want and then really understand if he's in it with you or not.