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Original poster

Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

502 replies

TwoLittleDogs · 26/10/2024 12:24

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 08:15

TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:09

I'm assuming his response will be yes, but it's also the principle of me asking him. I feel like for me personally, it will just add resentment. He knows it's something I want, I've brought it up multiple times, I've sent him pictures of rings I like. I've also not fully decided on children, but I also know I don't have a lot of time to mull it over. The thought of getting too old to conceive does upset me, and I didn't realise how much the marriage thing upset me until an event that happened this week. It's definitely one of those where if all the circumstances of my life were correct, I would get married and have children in a heart beat.

Show quote history

So he knows you want to get married. He knows what ring you want. Your fear about a proposal is that it would make him "resentful"...
This isn't good. He really doesn't want this, does he?

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:16

YellowRoom · 26/10/2024 12:35

Relying on men for these things is ridiculously risky. He can go off and have babies with someone else once your window of fertility has run down. He's not proposed in 9 years so clearly does not want to get married.

He already has children so I do think, he's done it all before and has already had those experiences, so he obviously has less of a need or care for it than I do. I do also worry what kind of father he would be. He would undoubtedly do his duty, but he's very pragmatic about things and nowhere near as emotional as I am and I would worry about the lack of emotional support at such a stressful time.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/10/2024 08:18

TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:09

I'm assuming his response will be yes, but it's also the principle of me asking him. I feel like for me personally, it will just add resentment. He knows it's something I want, I've brought it up multiple times, I've sent him pictures of rings I like. I've also not fully decided on children, but I also know I don't have a lot of time to mull it over. The thought of getting too old to conceive does upset me, and I didn't realise how much the marriage thing upset me until an event that happened this week. It's definitely one of those where if all the circumstances of my life were correct, I would get married and have children in a heart beat.

Show quote history

You need to make a decision OP.

  1. Either you wait around for ever with growing resentment for a man who has made it plain for nearly a decade that he is not going to propose.

2, Or you propose and he says yes and you do it with the nagging suspicion he doesn't want to (you can't force him. If he doesn't want to he needs to say "no". if he drifts along with it? I don't see that as a massive problem)

3, Or you propose and he says no. Are you going to sack him off? do it quickly.

4.Or you decide/finally accept that the romantic proposal isn't coming. Ever. And you either accept it (see 1 above) or you move on. do it quickly.

He is not going to change, is he? Your lasting hope that he will is a bit daft.

KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 08:18

A lot of things are coming out here, such as your reservations about what kind of parent he would be to your children, and whether he would support you enough. Do you really want to pursue this?

Autumnblackberries · 27/10/2024 08:21

It depends.
Whatever you do, if you earn significantly less, don't have kids with him without being married first.
If you want kids with him- get married.
If you want kids in general and he won't get married- leave now and sort out the joint home ownership thing without solicitors.

HousefulofIkea · 27/10/2024 08:22

Sorry OP but when men want to marry someone and have kids with them they get on with it and propose.

There are countless stories on here of people hanging around waiting for most of a decade, then their partner leaving them and being engaged to a new partner within the year.

Pp's have suggested you propose yourself - the risk here is you are briefly satisfied with the new display of commitment, til he then keeps putting off discussing a wedding. These days engagement isn't really any real commitment until a wedding is booked, so some blokes will use it just to fob you off a bit longer.

If children are important to you, please dont waste any more of your fertile years on someone who is still slightly thinking he might meet someone 'better' so not fully committed to you.

dontcryformeargentina · 27/10/2024 08:23

It sounds that he is absolutely fine where he is- already got children from previous relationship and enjoying his time with you. If he ever wanted , he would have already proposed. How old is he?

bitesthedust · 27/10/2024 08:26

If he wanted to marry you, you would be married right now.
Don’t propose. Do you want to get married to someone who doesn’t really want to?
What if he says yes just by inability to say bo like he has been stringing you along all this time?

Sell the house and move on

renovating · 27/10/2024 08:27

It sounds as if he is comfortable as things are. Is the work and domestic load equal?
It sounds as if he doesn't want marriage and children with you. I am sorry.

ShowmetheBotox · 27/10/2024 08:27

My friend was in the same position . Her mates at work convinced her that at least she was with the man she loved and kids were not everything. He got engaged to her and years went by with nothing.

Eventually she gave him an ultimatum - not even marriage at least kids and he said no.

So she left thinking he would change his kind. He didn’t and he married someone else with in 12 months!

She was then 40 looking at IVF for herself - which hasn’t worked out.

Dont be my friend x

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/10/2024 08:28

TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 07:56

I'm on the fence as there are a lot of things to consider, but know it's something that I need to decide on ASAP. My partner isn't bothered either way about this, and he already has kids from a previous relationship. I'm really just trying to get my bearings on whether to stay in this relationship, push things myself (as other posters have advised), or leave.

Show quote history

OK, well I wouldn't stay with a man who hadn't decided whether he wanted to marry me after 9 years. But I know that leaving an otherwise OK relationship isn't an easy thing to do. I'd say that how urgently you need to make this decision depends on whether you want kids or not and if so how old you are.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:29

housemaus · 26/10/2024 12:56

He clearly doesn't see it as a priority, so either ask him to set a date; decide you can live without it; or break up.

I don't understand why women act as though they're powerless and just have to wait until a man decides it's time for him to ask. You don't need 'a proposal' at all if marriage is that important to you - just set a date. If he doesn't want to do that, that's an answer in itself. If you're hoping for him to do a romantic spontaneous proposal because that's how you envisioned it in your head, then he's already shown you that's not something he's in any rush to do, so either you need to let that go or break up with him if that's important to you.

But stop being passive. It's your life too: if you want to be married (to someone who is equally enthusiastic about being married to you) then you have options, but sitting around growing resentful isn't doing you any good.

Thank you for the advice (and to everyone else who has taken the time to respond). I definitely needed to hear this and didn't think I was being that passive until now. I also struggle to talk to him about these things as he doesn't like to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. It ends up with me sending him messages which I know he reads, but it's like he acts like he's never seen them. Or I get the courage to actually speak to him one night, and the next day it's like it never happened. It's just difficult because I feel like I'm making a choice between a proper relationship (not just the marriage and kids part - don't want to offend anyone by my phrasing here as there are other things I've missed out), or my current life, which I'm reluctant to give up. I've also seen the OLD horror stories so I'm not even sure I'd want to go back out there and find someone else.

OP posts:
MontanaPink · 27/10/2024 08:31

Just tell him you want to get married next year, are going to find a venue/registry office and book it before Christmas.

Joey699 · 27/10/2024 08:31

Piggled · 27/10/2024 07:57

I never understand the advice saying ‘just propose yourself’ - no woman wants to feel like she’s dragging her fiancé down the aisle. I know couples where the wife has just gone ahead and booked the church, the man goes along with it and then within a few years he’s cheating and they ‘stay together for the kids’. So depressing.

he doesn’t want to get married. I would leave.

So why is then down to men to do the asking?

surely a woman will know how to ask a question

SlowPonies · 27/10/2024 08:32

OP you can’t go on with this guessing game, one of the most disempowering things is to be kept ignorant, lack of transparency, withholding of information about you.

You need to know:

  1. does he want to get married or not
  2. to you?
  3. if yes, when - plans locked in
  • additional question - does he want kids with you. Will he have kids if you want them? And agree to do this next 3-4 years due to your closing fertility window.
  1. if he doesn’t want to marry you, why not?
  • love?
  • financial ( eg inheritance, support: does he already have a financial agreement with his previous partner and mother of his children?)
  • other reason - doesn’t agree with marriage, doesn’t want a lifetime commitment, or another divorce in future?

  1. is he happy with the status quo and with living this way for the rest of your lives

  2. does he see it as a lifelong relationship, growing old together? Will he make retirement plans with you?

Then you can make your fully informed decision about whether you stay or go. Without this information you’re scrambling around half blind. And the only way to get this info is through a direct, frank, honest conversation. Or in writing. Good luck, it’s very tough. But you need to be brave and take control of your own life here.

KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 08:33

I hear you. It's difficult to come out of an ok but stable relationship, it's scary. You have to make the choice now, because otherwise it's going to be 2, 5 or another 9 years and things are still the same. This is a man who chooses not to communicate with you on matters of importance. It's not good.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:33

saltysandysea · 26/10/2024 13:02

Decide what you want. If it is marriage & children then ask him if you are sure he is the right person. If he says no, not yet, yes (but dawdles during the engagement) move on.

be mindful that he may be up for marriage but not a huge wedding (this can be a showstopper for some men).

I'm also not after a huge wedding. I've told him I'd prefer if we eloped and did something just the two of us.

OP posts:
KateDelRick · 27/10/2024 08:34

TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:33

I'm also not after a huge wedding. I've told him I'd prefer if we eloped and did something just the two of us.

Show quote history

How did he respond to that?

XiCi · 27/10/2024 08:34

The way you describe him and the way you describe your relationship sounds like you both have 'settled' and are in a 'make do for now' relationship. You deserve more than than that. Take control of your life. Don't stay out of fear of the unknown and miss chances of real happiness.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 27/10/2024 08:35

My husband proposed after 9 years but we didn’t get married until 10 years later! He was 18 when we got together though

SlowPonies · 27/10/2024 08:37

Ps don’t try to talk at night. Make it a daytime discussion and try to be as business like as possible.

The way we tend to havé discussions re finance and jobs accords them much more respect and priority than relationship issue, which are squeezed into some romantic setting like a restaurant or holiday, in hope it might be a positive influence on the outcome. Ironic when it’s the relationship discussions which shape the success and happiness of our lives.

So approach it like a business meeting, job interview or financial advice session. Print out an agenda with all these questions. Do it on a Saturday morning at your dining table. Good coffee. Insist on getting answers to every point. Push through.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/10/2024 08:38

Honestly with every post he sounds worse and worse - why on Earth do you want to marry him?? He takes you completely fir granted, refuses to discuss things he’s knows are important to you and is future faking

yoyre Bending yourself out of shape ‘just a titchy tiny wedding you’ll barely notice it happened pretty please’ to be what he wants

well what about what you want??? One life!! Don’t be a passenger in it

Livinghappy · 27/10/2024 08:41

Is he much older than you? Does he see his children and was he previously married? Have you been part of his children's life?

Difficult choice for you but if he has had children, was preciously married then I think he is stonewalling you, rather than being honest. After 9 years you shouldn't feel confused about your relationship status and you should both want the same things in your future.

If you leave there is a reasonable risk that you may not find a decent man who wants to marry and have children but of course you may! What is certain is that if you stay you will never know.

I feel sad for you if he has strung you along because he is living the life he wants, rather than being honest with you.

yeaitsmeagain · 27/10/2024 08:42

KateDelRick · 26/10/2024 14:09

@alittlequinnie , he had to wait until he was ready? So there was no discussion about what was right for you as a couple?

Imagine instead that the discussion is about the first time having sex as a couple and the woman wants to wait until she's ready and realise how weird your post is.

Original poster
TwoLittleDogs · 27/10/2024 08:42

Ponderingwindow · 26/10/2024 13:26

Sure, you could propose yourself, but that doesn’t actually solve the problem. The right man will have wanted to marry you and proposed already.

The two of you will have discussed marriage and children like adults. You could have just decided to set a date, but he probably said something about wanting to propose and do it right someday. So you wait and wait and wait.

Pushing the issue may result in marriage, but that doesn’t mean the marriage will last. Really ask yourself what might be holding him back. Is he really the right person for you or is there a disconnect in your pairing. It very well may make more sense to just move on

"The right man will have wanted to marry you and proposed already" - this is also how I feel about it. And I agree about the disconnect etc. But I honestly can't see myself finding another relationship.

OP posts: