Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

Have you seen those wedding pictures where the bride is in this beautiful wedding dress with gorgeous make up and amazing hair and she’s dancing with her groom who is wearing a baseball cap backwards tatty T-shirt and holey shorts wearing crocs?

this is the image that springs to mine when reading your thread.

I really hope I’m wrong, but that’s the amount of effort I see him putting into this relationship, and the amount of effort you are putting in

This is truly sad, I was honestly hoping for an update that you had left. He still hasn't picked up the ring, he hasn't rang the shop, he hasn't expressed the urgency to the shop that he wants to put the ring on your finger.

He doesn't want to marry you but knows you will stay, despite the boiling point and the crying and saying all the right things to you. He will never marry you.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing here. The problem is not that he won’t propose- the problem is that he is lazy, you do all housework, he doesn’t think of your feelings and you don’t even have sex! Why on earth do you want to marry this man? How would you get pregnant if you’re not even having sex? Raise your bar and find someone better than this man

Oh @TwoLittleDogsyou deserve so much better than what you are getting now.

I think it's time to get rid OP.

He has ZERO desire to have a baby. Absolutely zero. He is in his 40s with adult kids. He couldn't really be arsed to do a proper job of parenting the first time round and he sure as hell isn't going to be active/involved if he does it again (a very big IF). Plus, I'm not sure how you're going to conceive with separate bedrooms and ED. It's just not going to happen.

He has very, very purposefully started to run down your fertile years. He wants you as his companion. For him, his happiness and convenience. He doesn't give a shit what you want. Every time, he just dangles enough to keep you on. You're sort of like a maid and a pet rolled into one for him - you dance to his tune, you give him love and companionship. And him being passive - well, he might appear passive, but he's very actively avoided marriage/kids.

I'm not saying this to be a twat, but in my late 30s, I started premature menopause. Time is absolutely not on your side. But the other choice is a lifetime of resentment with someone who stole your fertile years. The fact that you feel suckerpunched by your sibling's upcoming wedding shows that you really do want a wedding with someone you love and probably kids. It's likely that you are not too old and that you still can have kids, but either way, this man does not deserve you.

Ok- first, your “worst case scenario” will at least involve more peace of mind than your current status. I imagine you’d find a sense of space and relief because you wouldn’t be constantly waiting, looking for this validation that’s never going to come as long as you live with this man.

Second, the only way you can say for definite that you won’t meet someone else is if you commit to staying with this man. He is the barrier to future happiness, and it’s in your power to dismantle the barrier and find a more fulfilling life.

Sending you hugs and thoughts. Reading your posts since yesterday makes me very sad for you. You're too lovely a person to waste your life with this man who doesn't appreciate you.

• the bit at the bottom probably should be here!

I hope you find the strength to say that enough is enough, and to leave him behind. Being on your own, without gradually increased resentment of your life partner, has to be better than this current life you're not living.

*His behaviour on the plane to you was awful. You deserve more attention and respect than that.

You’ve asked him and he says he does want to get married

These child men say what you want to hear. They don’t say what they really think , or what they really believe..it’s what they have to say to maintain the status quo that suits them.
In short, they lie
They lie because they are wanting to keep things as they are and as long as you believe the lie, they need do nothing other than appease you with words…oh and a ring if pushed, but that’s not changed anything.
If you do shove him into a forced marriage, he will be the same as now. Indifferent. Accepting the home comforts and leaving you to be, basically , a single wife.
I really don’t know why you think marriage changes anyone.

It’s one of the big warnings for women…Don’t expect to change your man. He is what he is. And how do you expect to get pregnant when he’s a wet lettuce ?

You say the grass isn’t greener on the other side for you.
From what you’ve said, there’s absolutely no grass: , green , brown or sky blue pink where you are.

It’s a desert. Rocky , barren and endlessly so.
All you can say is, you have a man in your life. Some of us would say even that’s debatable.

Im sorry you have so little confidence in yourself. No one is worth so little. I hope you find yourself

He just lacks the ability to do anything proactive in this aspect of his life (he is VERY successful in his career and everyone loves him there).

No he doesnt lack the ability - he is continung to make crystal clear choices and actions that suit him and not you.

You dont need to bash him over the head with a hammer to get your point across - he knows what you want and need but is not giving it to you. You give him everything he wants and needs right now - housekeeper, company, no kids, no marriage.

Reading your most recent posts about the car and plane journey is heartbreaking. He is just throwing you a bone every now and again to get you off his back.

You are wasting your precious and finite fertility with this unhygienic, emotionally remote, selfish and sexless character.

Anyone deserves better than this - you would be more emotionally fulfilled alone. You need to stop flogging a dead horse. The ball is in your court for your own happiness. He has clearly demonstrated the max he is prepare to give and it falls far short of your needs. I have seen this time and time again - and older guy wasting the time of a young woman. But you need to move on now. Two of my friends have chosen to go the doner route.

What actions are you going to take?

After reading your recent updates OP I think you should end your relationship. He’s not taking you seriously and he doesn’t sound like good husband material at all. 3 years sleeping in separate bedrooms and he has ED that he won’t go to the doctors about. You have to nag him to brush his teeth - gross!

You don’t have to resort to being single forever- of course you have the opportunity for marriage and children in the future - you certainly have more chance of having children if you split up with him if you decide that is what you want. You could meet someone in 6 months, fall madly in love and go from there.

Stop wasting your time - he’s not going to change and even if you get him to marry you eventually you will spend your whole life pushing him along.

What do you think of when you hear the word wedding?

Excited groom at the church, exchanging banter with his best man, and an equally excited, beautiful bride catching the eye of everyone as she walks down the aisle. The couple a brilliant time at their wedding and reception, but at the same time they can’t wait to jump into bed for their wedding night.

Now imagine your partner standing there in a scruffy suit, with a cat’s bum face because he didn’t actually want to get married in the first place and is only doing it because you’ve finally grown a spine and issued an ultimatum. People are recoiling from his breath as he couldn’t be arsed to brush his teeth. Once you’re in the hotel room or, more likely back at home, in your separate bedrooms, he ignores you, puts his earphones and watches something on his phone.

Obviously many weddings don’t actually live up to expectations and things go wrong. This forum would lose a huge chunk of content without family drama at weddings to talk about. But a wedding to your bloke would be as much fun as finding an unflushed bog on a Ryan Air flight. And seeing as he clearly can’t be arsed to get married, why on earth do you want to marry someone who can’t be bothered even to shag you, let alone tie the knot.

There is something phenomenally unhealthy about living together as a couple for 10 years and still believing you’re ever going to marry. What’s the point, exactly? You should have married 9-10 years ago, or not at all. The only way you are marrying, now, is if you organise it and tell him when to turn up. Tbh, given how important you say it is to you, I don’t understand why you didn’t just do that a long time ago. All marriage is after 10 years of living as a couple is a legal arrangement. It’s not romantic, it’s not exciting, it will change nothing but your legal status, which is precisely why you should have done it a very long time ago, or not at all and moved on. Stop wasting time on trying to force someone into something you wanted to be a spontaneous gesture of love and which never will be and couldn’t be after 10 years of not bothering.

Not necessarily. I lived with my DH for 10 years before we married. We've now been married for 18 years.

This is not a problem if it suits both partners. We had other priorities and I never cared particularly about being married, although we always thought we'd do it one day. This wasn't future-faking. I was establishing my own career and we had no children. When we decided we wanted them, that was when we agreed to marry.

Yes, it's a legal covenant to solidify your legal position. It was still romantic and exciting - albeit we married quietly, just the two of us and two friends being present. It was never a question of get the ring and the paper or move on.

Of course it's a very different situation when one of you desperately wants marriage and the other doesn't. But not all women who remain unmarried for years are 'waiting for a proposal'. I would scorn the idea. I like equal autonomy in my lifestyle choices. If I don't get that, and this includes waiting for a man to make all the decisions which materially and emotionally determine my life - then this alone would have been sufficient reason to move on years ago.

Ceding over that agency is what's led to this problem for OP. If you don't like it, your only option is to lump it elsewhere.

Mate if that ring isn’t in your house I’d bet my house he called up and cancelled the order. No way has he left a custom ring sitting in a shop for two months that he’s presumably paid a small fortune for. And even if it is still on order, his lack of enthusiasm that’s led to it sitting for two months said it all. This man categorically doesn’t not want marriage and children. If you drag him down that path, your life will 100% be utterly shit and unbearable. You’d be better conceiving alone with donor sperm. I would have been my ex was useless.

OP even if he does "get around" to proposing this year, all that will happen is you'll still be engaged in 20 years' time and nothing else will change. It really doesn't look like he wants to marry you or have kids. While you're with him you're not open to finding anyone better.

I've read all of your posts op.

Simply, if he wanted to marry you, he would. You'd be married now.

I don't know the answer about children and biological clocks, this is something you are going to have to decide for yourself. But I'm completely sure you would be happier without the constant rejection of a man with ED and no spark for life. You will be able to think through how you want your life to play out once you are free from playing a bit part in his life.

I really don’t know what more you want people to say to you OP. The relationship is over, done, finished. Leave. You can’t come back from the built up resentment when he doesn’t want to. He literally just wants to keep the status quo forever and not get counselling or fix anything. Your relationship is dead in the water. So leave.
If you don’t leave stop coming back on here every few months going on about how HE has led you on, wasted your time etc. the only one who is now wasting your time is you. You have time to meet someone new, have children etc. maybe you won’t, but at least you’d have TRIED to be happy and get what you want in life. If you stay you are choosing the life you end up with.

I have to say that is a very good post @Nodlikeyouwerelistening
I do hope @TwoLittleDogstakes heed of your advice and finds happiness

Perhaps he was leading you on, up until last November when you say you had a serious talk with him. Then no announcement at Christmas. I won’t say ‘proposal’ as I don’t believe in all that. I believe a couple have a conversation about marriage and then inform family and friends of it. My own conversation began ‘I suppose now we’re selling the flat and buying a house after ten years together we should get married’.
Since Xmas you have been leading yourself on.
The last chance saloon would be for you to begin looking into buying a property by yourself and receive mail about it. Maybe the sight of mortgage information, new development brochures etc on the doorstep will make the penny drop - that without marriage you are considering a life without him. Although the ultimatum doesn’t sit pretty with me.

I had to really push my ex into getting married, he was suggesting starting a family, and no way was I doing that without a ring on my finger. But 13 months after the wedding he began the affair that led to divorce, he said afterwards he’d never wanted to get married.

That's sounds very hard for you. I'd have left him by now but you obviously love him very much, or at least you once did. If you no longer love him it might be best to leave asap and start living the rest of your life for you, not waiting around like a passenger in your own life. He's had his chance.
If you really, really want kids you could get pregnant first and bring the child up as co parents? (But not sure how you'd get pregnant if you're not having sex with him)

the proposal is a red herring. you are in an unhappy relationship with someone you can't actually communicate with at all (sounds like you try but he disassociates on purpose ie. not answering about where a ring is that he paid for - totally bizarre)

Get some therapy, work out why you are putting up with this shit and move on and rebuild your life with a new faith in yourself.

This thread makes me think of the saying - if you keep on doing what you've always done - you'll keep on getting what you've always got.

If you are unable to have open, vulnerable conversations about important things like feelings now then this won't improve unless he, independently and proactively makes changes without saying he is to shut you up (as with the ring).

No ifs or buts.

Your needs are not a match. This is unlikely to change. Bringing a child into this would be unfair.

God, why would you want to marry someone who wasn't shagging the arse off you? You would be expected to stay faithful to someone who wouldn't sleep with you- how?At 35 you are far too young for a life without sex and affection. That's horrendous.

@TwoLittleDogs i am going to be frank .This relationship is dead .
35 sleeping in separate beds , no sex. Can’t have adult conversations and you are with a man who is future faking you .
There is better out there even if it’s alone .
Go and set up your own life and make your decisions about your own future once you’re settled .