Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

What a horrible post. HE has potentially lied for nearly ten years! Telling op he did want to get married. Ofc she can love him and feel utterly let down by him!

He had kids already- so this isn't his first rodeo.

Most divorced people just don't want to go through it all again.
Sounds like he must be older {?} than OP.

I rather think he’s the ultimate selfish man and he’s only interested in him. He’s not bothered about children either. What a waste of your time and energy op.

I had similar with my partner; I wanted marriage, he was like “oh one day” but then it got to 7ish years and I said it was really important to me and if he didn’t want it then we would need to think seriously about whether or not to stay together. He said he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted marriage but he definitely wanted us to be together, so the reality was that we were at logger heads over marriage. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum but then to some extent it felt tainted that I had to do that. I wanted him to WANT to marry me. Anyway, I let the dust settle and to cut a long story short he proposed and is now very excited about us being husband and wife - some men just need a push. However, you must assert your wants and needs - especially if you want children.

There is nothing sadder than a woman aged 35+ who wants babies and marriage and a man who's not offering that.

The only way OP is to say to him, "look, at 7pm tonight I want to have a serious conversation with you. Let's sit down after dinner and talk. "

Then you tell him

'We've been together for 9 years. You know I want to get married and have kids. I have the feeling we're not on the same page. I don't have many years left to conceive. If it's not going to happen with you, I need to move on. And I only want to be with you if you are 100% committed to a life with me and a family if that happens. So I need an answer now.'

It seems that many of your replies say he would “just go along with it” which strikes me as really sad. He’s not passionate about you or the relationship, whereas you sound like you need someone who is. Forget the actual marriage aspect - is he really someone you want to grow old with? Someone who will just “go along with” whatever it is you’re doing? Don’t you want someone who is equally as passionate about your future together?

I made a similar post. 10 years together, I don't think he ever wants to marry me. But at this point I don't know whether I want to leave him purely over the fact he won't marry me, especially as we have a DS. I can't guarantee I'd find anyone who'd want to marry me if I left anyway

The more i read, the sadder this situation sounds. You are worth more than this. Do you not think you can do better than this half-relationship with a passive, emotionally immature man? If you're in your mid 30s, now is the time to go in to the world and get what you want, not give up and settle.

I think if you go back and re read all of your own responses, the answers you’re looking for will be clear. It sounds as though you’ve been pinning all of your hopes on a man who sees you as a placeholder… if he really wanted you, you’d know

9 years is beyond what would constitute a reasonable time to date. Is he really worth marrying anyway? If you have better earning potential and assets than him it’s not in your best interests. Maybe pull back a bit, spend more time with friends - a girls trip away, see if that makes him nervous.

I'd rather be on my own than with someone who lived half a life with me. And I say that as someone who is older and single. Why waste this one, precious life looking into the face of someone who settled for you?

First ask yourself some questions, answer yourself honestly and then if you need to have a serious conversation with him… (not asking you to answer me on here it’s totally for your own self reflection to help you):

Why you so badly want to get married? How do you really feel about him? How does he feel about you? Do you really love him? Or just craving the wedding as it’s what society says you should do? You say your biological clock is ticking so you want kids? Are you sure he wants kids too? Are you wanting to marry him for the right reasons?

Just because you’re biological clock is ticking is not main reason for marrying and having kids. You both need to be with right person and want it and for the right reasons. Too many marriages bang out 1 or 2 kids then end in divorce a couple years later as they in love with the “idea” then after marriage realise it’s not the person they wanted but the dream of the wedding… then it’s not just 2 hearts broken but 4. Be 100% sure.

This!! When my mum left my dad she said “I’d rather be on my own than lonely in a relationship”

OP, instead of these perpetual discussions around marriage, why don’t you ask him directly to marry you, if this is important to you? Marriage and children are one of the greatest life altering events, of our lives, and yet we have to sit around, waiting for Dave to make up his mind, to wait and see what he feels like doing, at any point in the future? Why? Why do we allow this happen? You are both equals, why does it fall on the man to make that decision? Why is he more important than you, that you have to wait around for him to decide ? Ask him to marry you.

I think that the time has come for you to tell him that you want marriage and children and if he doesn't it's over. You have to mean it though and have an exit plan. I can't see how old he is, but truthfully if you want children then time is of the essence. ( Yes, I realise women do have children later in life, but it still takes time to find a partner who wants them). He might be stringing you along, and that is really unfair.

My friend is in the situation, currently away for their 10 year anniversary and he's been very clear no ring is coming.. I think it should be decision time. Either book a date or walk away, when men want to marry they do it. Otherwise surely it's just waiting until a better option comes along?

I remember having this discussion with, who I thought at the time, was the love of my life. I was 23 and we had been together for about 2 years. We had the marriage and kids discussion and he said that he didn't want kids until he was 40 and I instinctively said that "well, they won't be with me then, as whoever you're with will have to be much younger than 40". He looked surprised and asked what I meant. I said that I absolutely wasn't waiting that long for him to be ready and because I would be too old to start having kids then. We stopped the conversation then, but split up a couple of months later. I think that it was clear to both of us that we were not compatible in our life plans. I got together with my now DH about 6 months later and he made it very clear that he wanted to marry me within the first couple of months of our relationship. I was ready, he was ready and the timing worked, which is what it is all about sometimes.

OP I think you need to work out exactly what you want and tell him. If he doesn't want the same, leave; take control.

How old is he and how old are his children?

what's the history there- his divorce, how much he sees his kids now, is he on good terms with his ex?

All of these tell you who he is.

would he be bothered if you left him?

Why do women want equality in everything but proposals?

It's always "oh, if he wanted to marry you he would have asked!" But that never applies the other way round for some reason.

Have a serious conversation. It's 2024.

I think you need to sit him down and have a proper conversation about it, how it's important to you to be married. Don't put pressure or blame on him, but do try to find out what is blocking him asking you. He must have some reason he's not telling you. Are his own parents happily married? Perhaps he thinks it will change the status quo and you'll end up breaking up. Or maybe he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on a wedding, or perhaps he prefers to keep his finances separate. It could be anything, but you do need to find that out so you can decide what to do.

100% true.

The only winners are the divorce lawyers.

I have a friend who lives in a relationship like this.
She’s a professional woman with a good income. She lives in the house he bought with his first wife and it’s in his name.
They have been together for 30 years, they have 4 children and lots of grandchildren and she is still waiting for a proposal.
He knows she has always wanted to be married. She just won’t ask him can they be married she wants it to come from him.
They seem quite a normal happy couple apart from this issue between them. She’s obviously resentful and he pretends to be oblivious.
He is approaching 70 now, my friend is early sixties.
I wouldn’t waste your time pussy footing about. Give him an ultimatum, or accept the situation.
Don’t be like my friend and live your life wondering will tomorrow be the day of the long awaited proposal. I think, in her case, tomorrow will never arrive.

You need to look at his actions. He can say he wants to get married all he likes, it is his actions that tell you the truth of his intentions. If he wanted to marry you, he would have already OP. Sorry to be harsh but if you want marriage and kids, it will not be with this man

Marriage is really a legal thing. Neither should do it if there are any doubts. It protects the spouse if one should die. It is also a pain to get out of, especially if there are children.
You need to have the conversation about the legal ramifications. Marriage is not necessary from an emotional or children pov. Nobody cares these days.
Im talking as someone who lived in sin, back in the day when it was a seriously frowned on thing to do and children were stigmatised. I cocked a snook at convention for many years, until my partner decided he should be married to look respectable to get a bank loan. So we had a quick register office visit. Total cost £1.50 including certificate.
Divorced 20 years later. My share of the cost? £12000
Lived with #2 for 10 years. He decided to get married. Organised a Special Licence. Reluctant bride here but we did it and I left after 1 year. Divorced 2 years later.

So for protection in the event of death, especially Intestacy, it has plus points. Otherwise, why?
If you have children as a single mother, they are yours, so long as you don’t put his name on the birth certificate.
If you’re married, they are also his. Which means he has a say in every big decision, like where you live, if you can take them out of the country, if you later split up, and children change a relationship dynamics so much, it can lead to splitting up. They don’t bind couples together as often as they cause friction over schedules, expenses, change in lifestyle. But they do tie you to an ex if you want to go separate ways..you’re never free of the ex.

I’d think very carefully about why you want to be married, find out why he isn’t keen..as he apparently isn’t and does he even want children.

. Weddings are easy, marriage isn’t and divorce is murder.

Is he an involved dad with his children? How old are they?