Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

@MatildaMovesMountains

Yes it also refers to the theatre songs. That’s the beauty & challenge of the English language-context is everything & adds a teeny bit of complexity.

from the Oxford language definitions
Definitions from <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en&sa=U&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwi477f26OONAxXCVUEAHZjSHrkQvecEegQILxAJ&usg=AOvVaw3peUPOdGThweUtNn4z6yJ5" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Oxford Languages · <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=support.google.com/websearch/answer/10106608%3Fhl%3Den&sa=U&sqi=2&ved=2ahUKEwi477f26OONAxXCVUEAHZjSHrkQmYQIegQILxAK&usg=AOvVaw3xitZu1uQulC4y94tJN7Bu" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Learn more
noun
INFORMAL

a song or other performance receiving prolonged applause from the audience. "he wants every scene to be a showstopper"

an obstacle to further progress. "a major bug has been discovered that affects developers' ability to work on their apps but I've not seen any showstoppers for regular users"

So a man may burst into prolonged applause at the thought of a big wedding? Really? 👀

Come on mate, stop doubling down. I'm a foreigner and even I know you don't use showstopper when you mean deal breaker.

I think he’s stringing you along. Dump him!

Op - I’m really sorry to read your posts, you sound really sad. From what I’ve read, I think you’d be happier single than being with him. At least then you’d be free to find a genuine partner you can talk to. He doesn’t sound like a good partner (why no sex?) or would make a good father either.

10 years of your life has been wasted.

10 years waiting, waiting for what?
A proposal from a person who just doesn’t care? Do you really think he’s still the one? I think deep down you know he isn’t. This is your life, if you don’t leave now it’ll be 15 years, then 20 wasted with him. I urge you to please leave for your own sanity. He doesn’t want to marry you & that’s ok as you sound like you can do so much better.

How are you going to have a child when you don’t have sex?

So essentially he has just wasted more of your time?

If he wanted to marry you you would be married by now imo.

I was nearly 30 when I met my husband, we wanted children so knew there wasn't time to waste!

So back in October you said it was time to be the main player in your own life rather than a bit part in his, and yet you're still hanging on when there seems to have been no progress at all, with him probably cancelling the ring order after you'd left the shop?

Even if you did get the ring it certainly won't guarantee a marriage will happen, and anyway how much clearer can he make it that he doesn't want to get married?

how much clearer can he make it that he doesn't want to get married?

To the OP.

I have known men (my boyfriends and men in relationships with other women) be “all-in” in the talk, for years- decades in some cases- but never agreeing to get married, even when the woman has been very clear about wanting marriage and children. These same men (I think four at the last count) have all gone on to marry other women, usually dumping the first one and then meeting and marrying the next within two years, so a really short time.

Very sadly in at least one of these cases, she did not meet and marry someone else and to my knowledge never had children- her primary ambition in life, she’d be 46 now- and I do think her boyfriend of over 10 years strung her along knowing he wasn’t going to marry her, or have kids with her, but not sharing that information with her. It’s despicable really, it’s stealing chances from women, and I fear the OP will fall into this category if she doesn’t escape now.

I don't understand being so passive in this situation and letting your own life and chances bleed away.

Were you vulnerable or otherwise in a bad place yourself when you and he met?.

Look also at what your parents taught you about relationships, they taught you a lot of damaging lessons that are being played out with your very own unromantic Mr Wrong now. He has made it plain that he has no intention of marrying you yet you persist with your delusion of a relationship leading to marriage with him. Why are you doing this?.

Ah bollocks to it OP, there’s no point waiting around any longer, he doesn’t even make you happy or have sex with you. There’s no point marrying him, and he’d be a disaster to try to parent with.

Time to be brave and take a leap into the unknown.

Do you really want to be married to this man?

I mean, if he is happy with you doing all the house work without children, imagine what kind of father and partner he would be with children.

Are you going to be able to talk to him when you are struggling with breastfeeding? Have had no sleep and the house is a mess?

Could you count on him to be supportive of you without you having to spell out everything he needs to do? And then you again having to ask over and over and over and over and over to be supportive of you?

As you said, his actions are important, this is how he treats you.

After an entire decade has elapsed, OP, you are now actively choosing this as your life.

In waiting around for a proposal rather than exercising your own autonomy over the major decisions of your life, you've actively chosen to hand over your agency to a someone else.

Eight months later, here you still are, prevaricating whilst another year of your life and fertility is sluiced down the drain. 'Proposals' mean nothing. He might well propose, give you a ring to humour you, then continue future-faking without any intention of committing further. But whatever he chooses, he's the one in full control here whilst you cry and beg. You deserve to value yourself more than this.

I don't wish to sound unsympathetic here, but give yourself a shake-up, OP. Even passivity to this extent is a choice. The capacity for making alternative choices is something only you possess or can exercise.This is down to you alone.

There are already 16 pages of advice upthread. I'm unsure as to what else MN can presently offer you.

@TwoLittleDogs you can still get married and have children. That's if you leave your partner sooner rather than later, preferably today. The ring he had given you is just crumbs to shut you for few more months until he can find another excuse.

I wouldn't stay. He's not going to marry you and the relationship doesn't sound worth keeping. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? You can do much better.

If his DC from a previous relationship are grown up (and presumably he was relatively young when they were born) maybe he deep down does't want to start over again with babies/nappies/sleepless nights etc? How involved waz he in theirlives? He has a nice life with you with nice holidays and so financially stable and he may that might change if you have costs of DC to factor in.

If he was going to propose over the last 9 years then I think he would have done so already, especially as you've mentioned it before. If you propose would you feel youd be dragging a reluctant groom down the aisle and having DC with a reluctant uninvolved DF because he's so passive?

You need to have a calm talk together to both lay your cards on the table as time is running out for you if you do want DC. If he really does want to marry you then you need action from him (i.e. booking a date) not just promises!

Sorry just read one of your responses OP

"I also struggle to talk to him about these things as he doesn't like to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable. It ends up with me sending him messages which I know he reads, but it's like he acts like he's never seen them. Or I get the courage to actually speak to him one night, and the next day it's like it never happened."

He's dodging an honest response to your direct Qs because he knows you won't like his answer and is relying on you to hang on in the hope he'll change his mind and have a revelation that he may want to marry you "some time" in the future. He's being cruel and thoughtless. Put. Yourself. first.

I'm sorry @TwoLittleDogs all your update tells me is that he doesn't want the same things as you do. He likes the convenience you bring and wants to see how much more he can eke out of it
Time to be decisive and put a stop to this. He's not meant to be your lifetime partner/father to your child.

He still doesn't sound like he actually wants to get married and have another DC. You might perhaps be able to browbeat him into the wedding, but as you say, it's not really a desirable outcome is it?

Very well put

I'll be 35 soon. And we've just crossed the 10 year mark.

I effectively have and he agreed, but he's purchased a ring. I'm just in a state now where I really don't think I want it any more. Who wants to wait 10 years for a ring and have to nag their partner for it? I feel completely devalued and disrespected.

That's understandable.

So now you know this isn't really what you want any more, what will you do next?

I waited until maybe April time, growing more and more resentment until on a weekend morning, I blew up at him. In my surprise he said, "let's go ring shopping right now." I was obviously shocked, went along with it, we went to a shop, picked a ring, he paid. As it was custom it was to take around 4 weeks.

So has it arrived? And if so, has he given it to you, and are you wearing it? I suspect it’s a “no” to all these questions? And in that case, why? I assume there’s been no plans to book a wedding?

I was going to respond to say I don't think he means to, but as I started to type about his behaviour it really looks like this. I don't think he's bad or purposely wanted us to end up in this place, but if we look at it at face value you are correct. His lack of prioritising our relationship or considering my thoughts and feelings has led to me being strung along for 10 years. I wasn't 100% on wanting children, and I'm still at this point undecided (probably mostly because of the shit situation I'm in more than anything), but we could have got engaged 5 years ago, planned the wedding etc and been married 2-3 years at this point, which would have given plenty of time to have the conversations about children and make an informed decision without me going into geriatric pregnancy territory. Now I feel he has stripped that all away from me. I did also ask him why he hasn't asked sooner. He comes up with excuses about money etc - bearing in mind money is not an issue and even though we were not as well off back then, it was still not a big issue (we both have good jobs and I'm not asking for much - he was also surprised at how 'cheap' the engagement ring was, so he's been using the excuse of money but in the 10 years never cared to look at the cost of engagement rings or ask me about my wedding preferences...I have also sent him links to both on multiple occasions over the past few years so if he was actually paying attention, he would know...). I also asked him why he never communicated this to me prior, and he didn't have a good answer. Again, I don't think he did it maliciously but he was careless and now I don't know how I can forgive him.