Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

This relationship is the clearest possible example of the fallacy of sunk costs. You feel you need to stay because you’ve already invested so much in the relationship. But it’s done. Over. Finished. It will not improve even if you get a wedding ring on your finger and a baby in the cot.

Your current internal, emotional and intimate life is desolate - it must be very painful - all the yearning thats never delivered. Maybe this is a familiar emotional feeling for you - does it resonate with your childhood dynamic.

And the future looks even grimmer.....as this tedious emotionally ridgid middle-aged husk of a human dries out even further in older age and becomes even more distant, incompatable and unfulfilling - and you his 'carer'.

But you are 'comfortable' - maybe in lifestyle financially - but no amount of luxury goods are a balm for the heart and soul.

Please leave ASAP and find some pleasure, joy, hope, aspiration.

9 years is a long time but you commited to a house and mortgage without comitting a life together.
I know this won't help you now but honestly i feel that if someone has very strong views they want and expect to get married then commiting to this before committing to a mortgage and joint finances is possibly most important. Renting first to ensure true compatability.
If something happened to your partner then someone else, not you, will be their legal next of kin. You would have no say in their wellbeing or financial affairs so i would make sure your joint financial affairs are in order first and foremost, then sit down and discuss your future together. If your partner is evassive and unwilling to discuss then start building a life for yourself. Let them see you can be happy outside of your home and relationship if he still doesn't respond either accept this is your lot or make plans for a future without them

@TwoLittleDogs interested to know have you made any decisions regarding your future??

A uni friend wouldn’t live with a man unless
they were engaged with a hard wedding date set. Her reason was her parents were old fashioned (they were very grand). How we scoffed! Actually think the old ways were the best scenarios like this would be avoided. Men wouldn’t get the benefits of a live in woman without making a proper commitment.

Men wouldn’t get the benefits of a live in woman without making a proper commitment.

I think that some women live together with the assumption that marriage will follow.

Once moved in, I wonder what the incentive of marriage is for some men!

How did this pan out for your friend? Hopefully she met a man who respected her boundaries!

Married happily 20 plus years to a nice man house in the country two kids and a dog.

Maybe we should learn from this!

OP reading your posts can I suggest this isn't about the 'proposal ' itself?

You say this man doesn't listen to you, wont' talk to you about what's important to you - and you don't think you can have any sort of important conversation with you

You send him emotive messages he ignores?

I think you are in an unhappy relationship with a man who has no urgent need to make any decisions as he has already done the kids thing. Also - you aren't setting any boundaries so he doesn't need to change.

If I was you I would have some therapy about why you have settled for less than you want -(the answer usually lies in our childhood beliefs about relationships and what they are/ how they work) - and move on.

Why on earth would you want to marry him, when he leaves you to do all the housework and there’s not even any sex, let alone good sex? Everything you’ve said about him sounds like this is clearly not a good man to marry. He’s let you waste your most fertile years with him and ignored you every time you’ve tried to have a serious conversation. The relationship sounds like it’s really dragging you down.

Men don’t change. If no proposal after a year I left. I hope you meet a better guy, this one doesn’t seem to be it.

Very late update as I'm mulling over everything and it has brought me back to this thread. I did speak to him in detail about this last November. I poured my heart out and was very upset. I thought he then understood the urgency and was sure he was going to propose ASAP. I thought maybe at Christmas, but Christmas came and went without a proposal. I waited until maybe April time, growing more and more resentment until on a weekend morning, I blew up at him. In my surprise he said, "let's go ring shopping right now." I was obviously shocked, went along with it, we went to a shop, picked a ring, he paid. As it was custom it was to take around 4 weeks.

And now I'm still just waiting. I've mentioned a few times to him since that I don't understand why it has taken him so long. All he can say is to apologise. But honestly, at this point, I'm not sure I can even go through with it. Waiting 10 years and then having to cry your eyes out to your supposed partner multiple times for them to realise...and let's face it, he's not proposed yet and my timeline was already getting shorter for kids etc. I also feel like everything now has to be rushed and I am only doing it because of the pressure of my biological clock. If he had asked me 5 years ago, we could have properly planned everything, spent 2-3 years preparing for a wedding and then had a child and reached this point. Whereas now it's like wth do I do? Compromise everything I wanted because he fucked up? He tells me I'm the love of his life but it's very hard to see that with his actions. We also had multiple blow ups last week while away, mainly because of how his actions show me how little he naturally thinks about me and I think this whole situation and realisation has just made me feel particularly insecure.

Also, based on other comments on this thread, I have booked in a fertility test, so I will know where I stand. I'm just very much now in a place where I may get my "wish" but now I don't even know if I want it. (He also knows about said fertility test but as usual continues to bury his head in the sand/avoid adult conversations about any of this with me).

Oh OP. I am sorry.

If this is how he is going to conduct all the critical issues of life then he will be unbearable to live with and parent with anyway.

I think you should waste no more time I am afraid. Very best wishes

I’d agree with Parry. I’m sorry, but he doesn’t sound like the man for you. I think any time he doesn’t like the way things are, he’ll blame you for forcing him into things and will hold this against you. He won’t be a supportive father for your children or husband for you.

He tells me I'm the love of his life but it's very hard to see that with his actions
This is all you need to know.

he honestly sounds shit and you aRe only staying with him because of the time investment. Stop wasting it and move on. Even if you get married next week, this man will not make you happy.

How old are you, OP?

My ex partner of 8 years knew how much I wanted him to commit and ask me to marry him.
Even after inheriting a family ring (which sat in his drawer for 7 months) he still didn’t ask. We had anniversaries, Chrstimas etc and he didn’t do it.
I felt huge resentment towards him and our relationship was already declining. We split up but carried on with an on/off set up for almost 2 years. To cut a long story short, he met someone and married her within 4 months. I was devastated but in time realised it was me he didn’t want to marry rather than being against marriage.
I licked my wounds, had some therapy and met someone and he proposed after 1 year. If someone wants to ask they will.
Leave this relationship and stop wasting your time OP, it will never change. Sending you all the luck.

Let me tell you this. I wasted years on a man like this. The proposal never came. Thank goodness I saw the light as I hope you are about to. I left (and it was hard) but then met someone else who I married (and pretty quickly too! He was keen and wanted to show the world that-not dilly dally) and then went on to have 2 children in my late 30s/early 40s. But I was lucky and it could have been too late for those kids....

There is a whole world out that and I am sure people who will positively want you. Go find.

Waiting as long as you had was bad enough but I agree with PP since your update OP. Don’t waste any more of your time on this man. The resentment will eat away at you and to coin a phrase “he’s given you the ick” now, there’s no coming back from that.
You’re worth so much more 💐

Propose to him!

Off topic sorry, but look up meaning of showstopper.

@MatildaMovesMountains Showstopper - an obstacle to further progress.. (you can check with google)

https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&source=android-browser&q=showstopper

🙄

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/showstopper#:~:text=1,the%20showstopper%20of%20the%20exhibition

#3...if you're going to be pedantic then double down with eye rolling emojis you might want to be 100% certain you are the one in the right.