Would you stay after 9 years and no proposal?

[TwoLittleDogs]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I don't have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable speaking to about this, hence why I'm reaching out here for opinions and advice. I've been with my partner for over 9 years now, lived together most of that time, brought a house together (no children). I've brought up the topic of proposal and marriage countless times over the years, so he knows its something I have wanted, and he has always given the golden answer that he wants that too, but there has been no plans or action. We also went on a dream holiday a few years ago and I honestly thought he was going to propose then, but he didn't, and I've been growing resentment ever since. Something also happened this week which has just brought me to boiling point on the topic. My biological clock is also ticking, so I know I have to really decide what I want out of life. Any advice greatly appreciated.

It doesn't have to be like this.

You're 35. You have time to meet another fella and fall in love, and be loved properly in return. But don't waste any more time on this unkind man.

At this point, even if you get hitched imagine how resentment you’ll be bringing into the marriage. This isn’t going to just disappear cos you’re hitched. You’ll remember that you pretty much dragged him heels screeching up the aisle.

You’re 35, either accept this is it and don’t get married, or get out yesterday and find someone who wants the same things in life as you.

Thankfully you don't yet have DC because imagine the impact his lackadaisical effect would have on them.

You deserve to be valued & if he can't be bothered get yourself outta there!

He has had health issues the past few years on top of ED that he won't address. We've therefore also not slept in the same bed for around 3 years and I've got used to the peace of having my own bedroom but it does get lonely. I've tried to talk to him multiple times on all fronts, the importance of a healthy lifestyle, exercise, going to the GP, brushing his teeth etc. He's basically just let himself go completely. I have also got to the point of telling him that he is being selfish by not taking care of himself because it doesn't just affect him, it affects me too as his monogamous partner. I don't know if he's in perpetual denial because when we had the chat recently about children he said he's open to it if that's what I want, but the voice in my head was almost laughing. How the eff does he think he is going to achieve that?! A few weeks ago I finally told him he needs to go to the GP, and that I would come with him if he wants me to. He's made no strides towards that either.

You said he isn't purposely being malicious - but he is isn't he. He knows what you want, knows he doesn't want it and is stringing you along. Knows women's fertility has a limit. Definition of malicious.

I just read that he doesn't brush his teeth. For some reason this has made me feel even more sad about your relationship, which isn't actually a relationship at all in any sense if the word. You're his carer - partners are supposed to lift you up and enhance your life. You're worth so, so much more.

I think I've been quite open and honest with him about what I want. Probably too late in all honesty, but I was also expecting him to be an equal partner and meet me halfway, which he has not. It's taken me this long to realise.

Good grief, woman. Pack your bags and GO.

You still just about have time to meet and have children with someone else but you need to get a move on.

Please don't waste another second of your life on this man who doesn't want to commit to you.

I don't even understand why you WANT to marry him, after reading this post.

Don't you think you could do better?

You’re 35, he doesn’t brush his teeth, has ED and refuses to marry you? After reading your latest posts I think you’ve had a lucky escape! You can do so much better OP

Yes, without going into it. My dad was also abusive growing up, and there was lots of drama and constant screaming, so I can't say it's given me a healthy perspective of relationships of any kind. I'm very low contact with my own family now.

Come on, OP! He's so passive he can't even brush his own teeth! He wasn't bothered about his own children - what makes you think he'd be a good father this time around?

He's absolutely hopeless. You need to get out of that relationship. He'll probably propose if you do say you're going, but then remember: shit father, dirty teeth, doesn't wash, can't be bothered seeing a doctor about ED, you have to sleep alone. If all that was on a dating site, would you think, "Ooooh he sounds like a keeper"?

It is a no. I asked him recently and he said he's not heard anything from the shop. I said he needs to call the shop then and ask where the ring is. When we picked out a ring I started looking at elopement options but it died down very quickly - partly on me as work has been horrendous recently and I've had a few work trips out of the country, but it shows he's not going to take the lead or pitch in, and it would all need to be driven by me.

You can take a horse to water, OP.

This horse is not drinking and will never do so.

After 9 years of knowing you wanted marriage and DC he hasn't proposed tomyou. There is your answer. It sounds like you can have him or you can move on before it's too late for you and find someone else who wants the same as you, marriage and DC. Don't let this man take any more of your fertile years. Remember it might take you a while to find someone else so da tor in that time.

This is not someone you want to be married to. Stop wasting energy on him.

I think I’d cut your losses to be honest. It’s one thing if both partners are not too fussed about getting married, but when you’ve waited a fair while and told him what you want and he’s still not taking any action, it’s quite hard to carry on as things are. He sounds like he is not in a great place, but unless he takes active and consistent steps to address things, nothing will change. He doesn’t sound like a bad person but I’m not quite sure what he adds your life from your posts, how you connect and he makes you feel valued.

Please don't waste a minute more of your time. Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't prioritise you. You're still young enough to start again. Don't leave it too late.

Ring the shop yourself.

He’s hopeless, but you seem settled. If he’s happy to go along with what you organise, then be the organiser. Collect the ring, book the wedding and get pregnant. You only get one shot at life and you’ll cry a lot more if you leave it any longer and can’t have kids.

I’m starting to think this thread is a wind up.

You seem like a smart woman OP, but you’re begging for a ring and marriage from a much older man, who just isn’t into you, but also, he has bad hygiene, ED, adult DC, who he wasn’t very paternal to & hasn’t committed to having a baby (possibly isn’t physically able to impregnate you anyway), doesn’t do his fair share of the housework, despite you both working and he’s a terrible communicator.

What part of this description screams “great husband & father material”?

Because honestly, he sounds like a complete loser and I don’t understand why any woman would want to marry him.

I know the thought of starting from scratch is terrifying at any age, but please give it some thought

You don’t have a partner. You have a child. Do you want to be a mother and also have to mother this baby of a man for the rest of your life?
you do not sound happy.
why is he the one you keep choosing?

Seems like you may have to use a sperm donor anyway, have you considered doing it alone?

@TwoLittleDogs the fact he isn’t looking after himself is also ringing alarm bells. He doesn’t seem like he’s in a position to ever commit to you. Plus why would you want him too?

Personally, I really don’t think you even want to marry him, but the familiarity of being with him for so long waiting for a proposal has meant you have stayed longer and now it’s difficult for you to leave as you’ve invested years awaiting something you’ll never get & think if you wait longer you’ll get it. I completely understand. You won’t get a proposal and that is a good thing. You can do so much better. You do have the strength to leave him though and find someone else.

My advice is, do not ask about the ring, nor about him going to the drs and find somewhere to move by the end of the month & leave him.
Yes, It will be daunting but exhilarating- I know this is an extreme example but you could’ve met someone else and be pregnant by Christmas!

This is your life - take control.

Please don’t stay with him a month longer, he’s not worth it.

Look at the situation from the reality you’re in, know that if you do nothing now then more years will pass.

You are not happy, he is not happy. Cut your losses it’s for the best for the both of you and focus on yourself.

From what you say about your birth family, @TwoLittleDogs , it sounds as if your self esteem is so low you believe, deep down at core level, that you’re not worth anything and so you don’t deserve more than this. But that isn’t true. You are a beautiful, precious being. You deserve happiness, you deserve to be valued and treasured- not used for your money and your care, disrespected and strung along.

Can I gently suggest that you find a therapist who can begin to address this core belief (maybe Internal Family Systems work- i have found this type of work, along with somatic work, more helpful than any other for my own childhood trauma).