To think even men in their 80’s are still sex obsessed !!!

[Prettydisgustedactually]

A year ago, a new neighbour moved in next door, he’s 87. When I found out his age, before he moved in, I mentioned to my kids that we must be caring and helpful etc and keep an eye on him.

However, he’s the opposite of what we expected. Drives literally anywhere in his sporty BMW, has an iPhone, on YouTube etc….a very young at heart type. He has an on/off relationship with a woman in her late 60’s but they row lots and she ups and leaves.

Over the summer he asked if he could help me with the garden to keep himself fit. I offered to pay but he wouldn’t accept so I made him lunch on the days he helped. One day my daughter wanted to go in the pool, but because he was there she wouldn’t. I told her not to be silly but she said she felt weird because he’d made some kind of innuendo about me. She couldn’t remember what exactly, as she was shocked he’d said it. I told her she was mistaken as he’s 87.

Then a few weeks later he said “I’d have a go at you if you weren’t married” I’m 56!!! I was so shocked, but pretended I hadn’t heard. The week after he’d changed his car, and when I asked how he was getting on with it he told me it was great and he’d ‘Have to get me on the back seat’ Enlightening me with “I’m a fully functioning man in all areas” and going on to ask me “What do you think of that program Naked attraction?” Urgh…..I wanted to vomit 🤮

This has absolutely disgusted me and made my skin crawl. It’s actually saddened me too, as I really thought he genuinely enjoyed having a chat to me, when actually…I mean WTAF????? Then even worse!! My DD (aged 18) said he’d been all flirty with her after she put his bin out FFS 😡😡😡 What the hell?

Right. Far too many men have no interest in women their own age and bother much younger women. Disgusting.

@XChrome Perfectly said

What are you smoking? We are required to tolerate sexual harassment from much older men, otherwise we're ageists and sex haters?
Then I guess that makes your comment sexist and misogynistic, doesn't it.

This thread may end up in classics.

You've seen that you were being naive OP. You've apologised. You're not the first person to have the innocent old man assumption.

All you can do now is keep drawing boundaries and being firm and distancing yourself.

You've already touched on this but I'd be wary going forward of ever telling your DD to ignore her gut feeling when it comes to being uncomfortable about something like that.

In other words, I don't think it's actually relevant that she turned out to be right. Even if it seems silly or even if she IS wrong, it's an instinct that exists to protect her and should never be overridden.

Generally if something feels off even if you can't tell why it's a good idea to get out of the situation. Better safe than sorry.

Stop beating yourself up op. Like many of us you’ve been friendly to a man and you’ve discovered he’s had a different agenda. It’s not the end of the world and no real harm has been done.

Focus now on how to deal with the issue going forward because you’ve now got a neighbour problem which none of us want. Instead of him hanging around making you feel uncomfortable I wonder if you would be best to bite the bullet and tell him the friendship is over.

I don’t like conflict myself so I would have my husband or dad deal with him.

Reading from your post it sounded like you ignored his remarks and your daughter concerns and continued to engage with him. I'm not saying that was the case just that's how your post reads.
I didn't call you stupid, why would I? We all make mistakes and the point is to learn from them not to beat ourselves up.

Like I said, I think it's great of you to be nice to your neighbours and hopefully this one situation won't put you off but unfortunately not everyone is to be trusted and you have to be more careful. That's all I meant.

I completely agree! We were discussing it whilst out shopping today, and I have made it crystal clear that I should never have dismissed how she was feeling, as her instincts are clearly far more switched on than mine. She mentioned that he’d said “Good girl” when she’d put his bin out and thought that he should have just said “thank you” as she’d never say “good boy” to a man and his saying it sounded weird/wrong. I’ve told her she is never to put his bin out or bring it in, not talk to him and to keep the gate locked when home so he can’t come onto property.

Sorry if I sounded rude, but honestly it’s made me feel horrible. I am obviously incredibly naive to not have thought old men capable of this kind of behaviour. I did tell my daughter not to be silly when she said she thought he’d made an innuendo because I really thought she was mistaken.
I feel upset because both me and my kids had really gone out of our way to be kind and thoughtful, never in a million years did we expect this. Door now firmly closed 😡

I'm glad the door is now firmly closed, that is a good move.

As carers who have to look after the needs of old men, they have some stories to tell.

Unfortunately the lesson from this is men can be pervs at any age. As an 18 year old I worked as an au-pair and the elderly grandfather was always trying to grope me. 😡

I was at my friends 18th once and the grandad cornered me in the garage and stuck his tongue down my throat while saying "you're so young" 🤢. They are fucking sick and need putting down like an animal.

Exactly - he's showing that he's not bothered about how you or your daughter feel, so you need to be similarly direct with him.

Not all men but...

Old men do this. Young men do this. Handsome men do this. Ugly men do this. Nice men do this. Nasty men do this. All races/colours of men do this. Disabled men do this. Small men do this. Effeminate men do this. Religious men do this. Left wing men do this. Right wing men do this. NT men do this. ND men do this. Men who say they're women do this.

There is no descriptor you can add to a man to guarantee he won't do this.

@Disturbia81 Eurgh...sorry it happened to you too.

So your takeaway from this is to never be kind to an elderly person again? How incredibly narrow minded. This man sounds like a creep, I'll bet he was always like this. Sadly these people do exist and you are right to avoid him now. What he did is no reflection on anyone else.

I’ll never put myself in this position again so I guess the answer is no, I wouldn’t help an elderly man. That does sound sad but I never want to feel this grubby again. Urgh 🤢🤢 Every day I recall something which makes me angry 😡 Literally recalled today a comment about my son that he made. A kind of veiled insinuation that he’s gay, because he has no girlfriend. He asked me if he had one, and I said not that I’m aware of. He asked if he’d tell me if he had got one, and I said not likely as he’s a very private person. He then asked why my son would think having a girlfriend is something to be ashamed of. I told him he didn’t think that at all. What I actually meant was he probably wouldn’t tell me initially, but would in his own time. Then a few weeks later he said “Is he not interested in girl?” WTF did I not tell him to f* off. So angry when I recalled this today.

I actually feel like telling his family why I am no longer having anything to do with him. He was with them when he made the comment t about getting me on the back seat. God only knows what he was telling them about me but I feel like putting them right I really do.

So what if she doesn't go out of her way to be kind to others in future because of this. She doesn't have to. She's learned a lesson and is allowed to put herself and her children first.

You don't need to go to his family with an explanation. They would probably only make excuses for him, as families tend to do, and they would be angry with you. Just avoid them all as much as you can.
Otoh, if they ask you outright, then go ahead and tell them.