No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

I bought a book some time ago, American publication so needs slight adaptations for the UK, but useful: "I'm Dead, Now What?", Peter Pauper Press, Inc.
It's not a cheery tome, and I've found it too depressing to do more than fill it in a bit at a time, (I think that, deep down, none of us like to think that the world will carry merrily on without us!) but it brings everything together in sections the information that people dealing with your affairs would find useful: personal, medical, key contacts, at the time of my passing, important documents, financial, business.
I have found it best to tackle a little bit at a time, with something cheery to look forward to afterwards, but I found that while not all headings applied to me, it gives useful prompts.
Obviously it is not a legal document, but gives folks a useful starting point.
My DF never got round to making a will, and it made a difficult time for my DM that little bit harder. It wasn't done unkindly; he'd just put off dealing with something depressing....

Saw this and thought of you all. Click on the picture to open

Financial transparency whether spouse to spouse or parent to child is an ultimate gift of love.
My DH has put together a "what to do if I die" file, with details of everything I need to know. I love him for that, but I think I should make a copy of it now in case he ever gets his head turned by a Budgie

I decided to pop back in and check on this thread because I care about @Gingerloaf and wanted to see how everyone’s doing. I’m not storming off in a huff, I promise. I’m here until NY.
I have to share this in response to @justasking111 ’s Love Actually meme…

@BruceAndNosh - Seems really tacky, but I actually purchased a little binder with “Sorry It’s Your Problem Now” (Because I’m Dead) on the front and a heap of print outs of ideas and pockets for wills, powers of attorney, etc. I’ve been through it all with the family. It’s very much our sense of humour, and you can absolutely get more serious ones as well. Mine was from Temu for an extra touch of class.
Just so you all know, I have had an early Christmas present. My heart function has taken another turn but this time in an unexpected way - it’s GOOD! I will always have heart failure but I have gone from needing urgent heart surgery (was supposed to be tomorrow) to now having just slightly shit heart function. Hopefully this trajectory will continue! (Latest guess is that I may have had Covid in Feb when it all hit the fan, and I’m one of those people with a pre-existing condition made worse, but I gradually lucked out!) Anyhow, not sitting idly by… am thanking my lucky stars, getting off my increasingly large bum and getting back to life, as I know I will deteriorate eventually. Back to finish my studies, etc.

So pleased to read this update @Fraaahnces .
Mind yourself.

Great news!

Fabulous news. Keep on keeping on x

😂👏🏻👏🏻

Looking at this, I realise that I need to get my act together and get this info in a safe, but accessible place. I don't live with anyone, which makes things more interesting for whoever sorts out my estate.

Interestingly enough, the Japanese Government is looking at passing a law to make people include details of bank account passwords/online passwords etc in their wills to prevent heirs having issues getting into accounts etc.i guess if you really wanted to hide it, you could, but if you just have a multitude of accounts, it would be handy.

That's wonderful to hear, @Fraaahnces !

How are you doing @Gingerloaf ?

I am sending no stress and lots of good things your way.

I hope you are managing to have some good things punch though the crap things. Even though you have some nice plans for Christmas it must be very poignant.

Remember that it can all coexist. Sadness can sharpen happiness and vice versa. The tensions of life are what we talk about, what makes us who we are.

Life gives as it takes. Finding the sweet spot between those tensions is a worthy aim.

And remember, a story that starts with "it all went really well" usually ends quickly!

Hello @andIsaid - generally things are ok
Things happen and by and large I am more able to deal with each bit at a time - speaking to him in person when not expecting it, dealing with solicitor letters and the complexities of getting all the financial evidence ( been on the phone a lot) knowing he is trying to get people to meet OW and they are saying no, unwrapping the Xmas decorations and thinking ‘which ones of these do I want to keep’ ??

Missing having someone to have a cup of tea with but enjoying not having to eat if I do t want to
Missing little jokes but knowing that a good friend will call and we can have a good giggle on the phone
Missing the old life but then incidents happen that remind me I am not without friends etc

I still meet people who don’t know and they kindly ask after H - when I tell them the basics the answer is always the same ( and this is from an older generation before anyone has a pop) ‘he’ll end up being her carer, what a silly sod he is’ - it’s like reaction bingo

But I think he’s decided he has made his bed and he’s going to lie in it ( as she is going to find his jollies) no sign of remorse or empathy

Thank you for your kind and wise words

I'm glad that you are seeing positives in things. Just to warn you that you will no doubt get Christmas cards to both of you. I still do, 7 years on. Although it was only down to one last year.

In fact, I once even received a card just for xh. He was being a particular arse at the time, so it went in the bin!

@Daftapath - I am better at sitting with my emotions and thinking ah here is jealousy, here is grief
I still have moments when I can’t quite compute what happened and that he is living another life - in another house and seems to be enjoying himself ( he really has seemed to decide the grass is greener)
it’s been quite for a while from him

My mum has done a great job of informing relatives etc of the situation and it will be interesting to see who sends a card etc
He sent a birthday card but I think it will be radio silence this year - I think she’s throwing everything at him to keep him happy ( possibly another holiday)
Xmas will be very different but both DC say they intend that it will be fabulous
The advice has been to not put restrictions on their contact with their dad if he contacted but so far he has avoided the kids for weeks - a weird mixture of his feelings of guilt and perhaps her influence ( it’s so out of character for him to not text them)
They have their narrative and they believe it - no need for me to try and figure it out

If she has plenty of money the only way I could see him being her carer, is if they marry.
He certainly won't do it without a price.

One day at a time OP.

I can't understand the people who still send Christmas cards to both when they have been told that we are no longer together. What is that about?

I sent all the Christmas decorations and crap along with the rest of his junk. He always made sure there was some reason to remember Christmas in a bad light so I was glad to be rid of them.

I don't think MM will ever show signs of remorse or empathy @Gingerloaf , that would be too much of an admission of guilt for him and he's already rewritten your history, as they do.

You and your DC will have a wonderful Christmas, he will never be able to comprehend how much what he chose will have united you all more tightly than ever.
Sooner or later the reality of his choices will be undeniable to him, so far he’s rewritten history and cast everyone a new role in the movie of his life that he’s trying to sell to anyone who will listen and is even tryingvv v to sell to himself. Family occasions and times if togetherness will magnify this for him, no doubt he will decide he is the victim of the Christmas season to play down the fact that he’s no longer welcome anywhere outside of the budgie nest because he turned his back on his family.

Oh dear God, your poor children.

Poor you as well, but their faith in their father has been utterly shattered and now he's avoiding them? It's possible that he will avoid them more and more between guilt and her influence. I think you need to be prepared for this, I'm afraid Ginger.

Thank you one and all
H is telling people I turned the DC against him all to suit his new narrative- it really is incomprehensible
It does ‘help’ movement along but the winter evenings are lonely and I do miss him ( maybe an image of him) but with time it will
pass

I was told at the beginning of this process to let it all unfold and play out - the DC can see it for what it is I do t need to say much
It will be his loss

Honestly @Gingerloaf your DCs are adults and as such have their own mind. Anyone he wants to give that sob story to will see it for what it is. His DCs making a decision based on his actions.

You may have the occasional of your H family make a comment etc (my DHs definitely did and believed the sob story at first) but the mask soon drops and they now leave it up to him (I was also painted as the big bad DIL.....despite her own daughter also not speaking to her due to her obvious affair before FIL died).

Best thing your DCs can do is stick to the facts for them he's not bothering to contact them. Their facts are going to be different from yours and that's completely OK. It's more of his woe is me narrative all me me me best thing you can all do is ignore it and say well he has a phone his relationship with them is on him.

@Gingerloaf doesn’t surprise me at all. He’s cast you as the villain of the movie, it removes all responsibility from him for causing their pain and ‘explains’ their treatment of him, otherwise why would they turn against such a doting father ?
His lies are spiralling out if his control now. The stress of maintaining the narrative and the pain of the realisation of losing his family, when he knows full well it’s all his fault must be growing massively. Asking friends and relatives who know you and your children to believe this twaddle, seeing the disbelief in their eyes, even if they are too polite to call him out, must be crushing. He is keeping his distance because it’s the only way to keep the false narrative alive. Easy to spout this rubbish when he’s not with them to see the look in their eyes, the hurt and contempt. He can’t risk this rubbish anywhere near them
because they quite rightly won’t hear a word against you because they KNOW. He has to stay away from the truth at all costs. Take care of yourself and spoil yourself on these Winter evenings, binge some box sets and have a nice drink, run a bubble bath and get pampering, self care and self love are your friends now.

Once again I ponder why the people on this thread are not running the world
Wise words

Have just spoken to DS and he has seen some of the stuff H has put on FB. Trying to prove he is still young by posting a very particular musician ( absolutely not to the taste of OW) trying to start relevant etc It’s clear from DS he totally gets what crazy stuff his F is up to - and actually thinks F may crack up over xmas
But as wise people say - don’t overthink this stuff - and @Thewookiemustgo - I will be pampering myself these dark nights. Thank you for reminding me - i am still finding odd bits and bobs of his but they are getting lost in the bin ( nothing expensive eg old work clothes )

I feel more at peace - but I know it’s a long road to go

I was writing out the Christmas cards today. A friend died suddenly in September. I sent a card to her husband and family. It gave me such a pang.

Bin what you want, @Gingerloaf. Cathartic. During the year following his affair I replaced pretty much every item of clothing my husband possessed which OW might have had her paws on. Really nice stuff, charity shop had a field day. He was sensible enough to never query any of it.
I woke up at 2 am once not long after his affair and suddenly had a flashback of him going to his car the morning he went to have his weekend with OW. (That was how I found out) He was carrying a very expensive leather overnight bag I’d bought him as a birthday present. It had cost a bomb.
The bag was back in its usual place.
I didn’t want anything to do with what he did in the house so at 2am I got out of bed, put on my marigolds and dressing gown and took the bag to the bin, chucked it in and gave it a good massage with all the crap in there. It felt fecking marvellous. I went back to bed and slept like a baby. He’s never asked what happened to that, either.