No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

What everyone else has said @Fraaahnces , I hope all goes well for you and that we'll see you again at some point

@Fraaahnces so sorry you are poorly. MN is more often than not supportive but it only takes a few as they say and unfortunately I think that ‘few’ is a growing number. Once you’ve read something you can’t unread it and whilst you know rationally that the nastiness is usually coming from an issue within them, it remains very unpleasant.
Congratulations on the studying, I often consider it but am an arch procrastinator. I have a musical instrument bought as a gift for me a couple of years ago that I really ought to dedicate more time to. You’re inspiring me to give things a proper go. All best wishes for the future.

Gingerloaf, might be worth checking that he has actually cancelled the Broadband rather than transfer it to his new address with you still paying. It would be good to think he would never do such a thing but once they start getting spiteful all previous norms can g out of the window.

@meercat23 - please do not worry this was all part of his mind games. So originally he did mess about with the broadband - and I would have been adrift but then strangely he contacted them to be the big hero in the story and having cancelled it he had cancelled the cancellation if you see what I mean
So the day started with it’s cancelled and then he must have forgotten what he said because he forwarded something from the provider and lo and behold it will cancel on the same day mine has been set up for
Really sorry I am trying not to out too much

Basically he played a game, messed up, forgot what lies he told and then I was able to get things in motion and life will continue as ‘normal’
I suppose the best way to say this is not to believe a word he says, wait and count to 10 - don’t panic because in the grand scheme of things it all works out in the end.

Thank you for your concern but this daft situation turns over literally every day - that’s why it’s exhausting
And of course now he’s trying to ascertain if I have everything sorted - like he’s the hero
I screen shot his daft messages because frankly you could not make it up. Really you couldn’t

Stay strong @Gingerloaf xxx

I am glad it is sorted out to your satisfaction. I can understand how exhausting it must be. I hope it calms down soon for you.

You have had some lovely advice Ginger, I absolutely hope it's helpful for you. But you need the hard advice and I'm not sure you are in the place to accept it .
That's okay, we come to realisation late or not at all, it's very personal..I had some messages deleted, fair enough, but I was coming from someone who has been through it
I want to offer advice based on lived experience,not on just assumption and guessing his thoughts.
Why on earth are we spending posts on what he might be thinking?!
It's bizarre, he doesn't matter!!!

Hope you are okay tonight xxx

@Fraaahnces Whenever I see your name I know there will be a wise, thoughtful, perceptive post. I shall miss you and wish you the best. x
Have a good evening @Gingerloaf.

I suppose the best way to say this is not to believe a word he says, wait and count to 10 - don’t panic because in the grand scheme of things it all works out in the end.

Yes @Gingerloaf . The number of times I was in a panic or raging (my solicitor emailed me a copy of his solicitor's letter at 5 o'clock on a Friday, after my initial reaction which lasted quite a while I realised how much money he'd saved me and himself a sore ear 😆) but once I learned to take a step back and not allow any reaction for at least an hour it was all more easy to deal with.

And knowing that all he says is to benefit him and him alone.

Best of luck with the studying @Fraaahnces. I have often chimed with your posts over the years. I agree that MN is not the place it was when I joined 20 odd years ago. I mostly lurk these days because of that.

@MillyCentTap I used to also get letters from his solicitor last thing on a Friday. I'm sure it was designed to ruin my weekend. My solicitor, bless him, then held them back until the beginning of the week so I would have a chance to discuss straight away if need be, which definitely helped with the worry about their contents (they were never nice. Always aggressive demands!)

Op if you have things sorted, it is a prime time to ignore him about the broadband. That would completely take the wind out of his sails to have no response from you. My (at the time) stbxh inadvertently continued to pay the insurance on our house by dd for two years after he left. There is no way that he would have paid if he knew about it as he would see a benefit for me and not him. I had already set up paying my own insurance by the second year (much cheaper as it happens!) It was such a lovely feeling to tell him I had my own insurance when he tried to insist that I owed him over £1k for it. He was livid.

It was a horribly messy stage of the divorce and I do not envy you being at the same point. However, once the finances were agreed in court, it did help somewhat. So I would push to get to that stage as swiftly as you can. You can't begin to heal, I believe, until that wrangling stops and you have no obvious need to communicate, through solicitors, friends or otherwise. I think I have said it before but ensure you get a 'clean break' so he cannot come back for more!

I recognise my projection. After all, we are all allowed to give advice based on our own experiences!

You decided to stay with your cheater. You decided to play the pick me dance. For the rest of us who have gone through this (and I had 3 full consecutive threads on here at the time), we need a safe space to voice our thoughts, to unravel things in our heads, to be repetitive if we need, without fear of judgement. We want and need to talk about the ex and the OW and that is absolutely OK to do because it's part of the process of acceptance and healing. We need to hear other people's perspectives because they are comforting and helpful. I can vouch for the fact that talking with others in the same situation was very cathartic. The feeling that you have your "team" behind you is worth everything.

Yet you have felt he need to come here and tell the OP what you think she should be doing from a perspective that is nowhere near hers. You've also victim blamed and quite honestly you sound smug and judgemental because you managed to hang onto a man you will never be able to trust again. Kindly, I would suggest this thread is not for you.

@Fraaahnces Wishing you all the best and praying that you heal and come back when/if the time is right.

@Gingerloaf The 'musical chairs' with the broadband is par for the course. stbxDiL did the same with the electricity. I think I mentioned before, but she refused to give DS the password and said she'd pay the back payments due (because she didn't pay the bill). He came home twice to no power. It took a big run around and paying off HER missed payments + fees to finally get it in his name. And all in the name of keeping her 'in front of his eyes'. In her case because she wants him back, in your case your stbx wants to be 'in front of your eyes' to cause you pain. The marriage(s) are over, just be a decent human being (meaning your stbx and my stbxDiL) and cooperate to have a 'peaceful' divorce.

@Daftapath - thank you. We are now at the financial part. Which should cause at least two mini explosions

I do still have a few bills in his name that he deliberately says he will change and then doesn’t- all to keep contact !!

I hope this thread is helpful to many folks - particularly those who maybe ahead or behind me on this experience
I don’t think we talk about the messy aspect of divorce enough and the mind games guilty parties will inflict
I have not revealed all as I don’t want t on be outed but one day I will. There is a cruelty that takes place and whilst one can hope that it is all character building and that it will all come good in the end - I spoke to someone the other day who described how they attempted suicide during divorce ( please do not panic I am fine I merely illustrate the awful impact)
If this thread helps someone to head this off at the pass in their own life then all well and good. Or it may help some to support colleagues or family members. The one thing I will say is that H is blissfully ignorant of the utter shitshow he has pulled.

I think that you're brilliant. That is all.

I had all this with bills and utilities. Without any discussion he closed the accounts for gas, electricity, water and the burglar alarm. He said "I don't need them anymore". He cancelled the TV package because he decided I didn't need it. I had a toddler and a 12 year old at the time. He also removed the lights from the garden because "OW needs them for hers". It is designed to cause maximum inconvenience, inflict control over you and frankly, just utter cruelty.

My response was to organise my own accounts and I was back up and running within a week while he laughed at how difficult he was making things for me.

So @Gingerloaf you are not alone with this fuckwittery but I have to say you've dealt with it far more gracefully than me!

The financial nuts and bolts are so important . Mumsnetters always advise to get your ducks in a row fast.

My friends husband had a complete by breakdown was sectioned for three months. She had never put petrol in her car. Knew zero about the bills. Had no access to his money. He was too ill to discuss it with. That's a steep learning curve.

My neighbours husband had a stroke. He handled all the bills. He Invested her income in ISAs and bonds, she only had pocket money. All this was online with unknown passwords.

Her daughter a solicitor had to help her out because no-one would talk to her under GDPR. Again a complete mess.

This is such a valuable lesson to anyone who is not fully involved in family finances. LEARN AND KNOW, even if you don't actually 'do'. Because you never know when that lack of knowledge may bite you in the arse. And if your partner/spouse is unwilling to bring you in, you better have a hard think about your relationship.

I used to do work that involved a LOT of widows/widowers and recent divorcees. Some had no idea how to pay a bill, where the money was, what the household running costs were, who their late spouse called for repair services. It was both heartbreaking and infuriating. Some were kept in ignorance as a form of abuse, some were simply 'laissez-faire' about it, figuring their spouse would always be there to 'take care of things'.

At that time my DH did all the finances and bill paying and I was one of the 'laissez-faire'. But after I got that job and saw what they went through, I made sure that DH sat me down and explained it all to me and kept me abreast of changes. At some point the finances slowly shifted to me (neither of us can remember why or when lol) but I make sure he knows it all too.

I now yield my soapbox to the next speaker.

That's so true @AcrossthePond55 . From time to time I'd broach the subject of him at least making a list of the financial need to know stuff (I once even suggested he put it in a sealed envelope if he was so bothered by me seeing it) in case anything ever happened to him but it never happened. As I think I said previously, it turned out it really wasn't as difficult as he claimed when I had to do it for myself anyway.

I totally agree with And if your partner/spouse is unwilling to bring you in, you better have a hard think about your relationship. If you are free enough to see their behaviour for what it is, do whatever you can to protect yourself

@Gingerloaf one can hope that it makes one stronger, that it builds character, etc but I do wonder if it's just something we tell ourselves or others tell us because I'm not sure that even if it does do the above it's worth the pain that takes you to your strength or newly flexed character. I've not been through what you're going through, but I have been reading and I'm so glad that you are where you are, as in dealing not that you're having to deal with this not that you've been placed in a slough of shite by H. SO glad. I've been through a different sort of "enough already" this year and my take on it is, as I said to a friend just this evening - which is why I'm posting here 🙂- what doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you. Anything more than that is gravy and sometimes we don't get the gravy.

I wish you nothing but the brightest of futures. I don't know you but you seem like a decent, kind and generally just good person. Next year will be better, by this time next year you'll be flying. I doubt either H or OW will be happy and that's how it should be. Maybe he'll get cock rot but like I said, we don't always get the gravy.

So true @AcrossthePond55 . My MIL was completely clueless when my FIL (abusive, imo) passed away. He had savings and investments, but all the paperwork was kept in a box which she wasn't supposed to open.

I was the one who ended up going through it all and sorting out what there actually was. When I had a list together, I asked her (just out of interest) how much she thought there was. She had no clue. Not even to the nearest hundred thousand. The man had been sitting on a VERY nice nest egg and complaining if she spent "too much" on groceries.

Thank God she's free of him now. MIL is actually very bright and had no problems learning to manage her money after a little bit of explanation.

@AcrossthePond55 you’ve nailed it completely. A very close friend of mine and her husband have everything financial, including the household energy providers, insurers, where the deeds to the house were, car stuff etc written in an old fashioned exercise book in a safe in the loft, their two adult kids know where it is and how to access it. They did this after going through a difficult experience. When one of my friend’s parents died, they had no way of accessing anything financial, or even knowing what accounts they had, which energy company to contact, life insurance policies, pension providers…. it was a mess, even after probate was obtained and they were the will executors. They were determined that at such a grief stricken and stressful time such as parental bereavement, sorting practical stuff out was going to be as easy for their kids as they could make it.
Always know and have access to everything. Finances should be secure but transparent in a marriage and letting trusted others know how to find the information in the event of the worst happening can be very helpful to grieving family members after you’ve gone.

@Thewookiemustgo

That was my parents, too. Once they did their 'estate planning' they called 'a meeting' with DBro and me and went through everything. Mum had it all set out in a HUGE 3 ring binder, including trust docs, POAs, 'what was where', and detailed funeral plans. It was such a blessing, both when Dad died (and I didn't have to ask Mum 1000 questions) and when Mum got dementia.

Financial transparency whether spouse to spouse or parent to child is an ultimate gift of love.

Latterly, I had to deal with all financial matters for DH, but I recall that he made a point of showing me where his will was and also a life insurance policy.

He bought and organised a filing cabinet for our bank statements, etc.

This has very much reminded me that I need to update my will and indeed make a "to do" book for when my kids need it.