No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Thewookiemustgo - brilliant
I am selectively binning - not much left in the house that is his I have also asked the DC to say if there are any Xmas decorations they particularly want for sentimental reasons. I find it hard that the lovely home with all its stuff and memories is about to be dismantled forever - so DC get first dibs.
Hopefully that way they get something to make them happy - I am also donating stuff to friends usually as payment for a stay at their house ( beats a bottle of wine)
I do love your stories - I take it your H came back and never asked ? Mine told me he wanted to come to the house when I wasn’t here to get things ( he has had loads) I said give me a list I will place them where you can get them. To which he replied he didn’t k ow what he wanted until he saw it! I laughed at him for this - yep just help yourself to whatever you fancy why don’t you?

You know the mumsnet saying nurse with a purse? Sounds like she's got a purse will need a nurse in the future.

I know you said you miss him but you miss who you thought he was. Not who he actually is. He's a foolish selfish liar.

@Gingerloaf To which he replied he didn’t k ow what he wanted until he saw it! I laughed at him for this - yep just help yourself to whatever you fancy why don’t you?

Bit like wives or budgies.

Mine told me, very earnestly, that he would never come to the house uninvited or when I wasn't there. Thankfully I had heeded the advice from my Women's Aid support worker and had the locks changed. I came home from work one day to see his greasy hair imprint on the glass on the door, he was obviously trying to see inside to work out why his key wasn't working.

It can take quite a bit of getting your head round the fact that everything they've ever said is more than probably not true, no matter how believable they seemed.

My sister found out her exH was coming into the house to do his laundry (& God knows what else) when she was at work. He stupidly left a pair of boxers in the dryer which is how she found out! 😡The locks were changed that very day!

Unless you are at risk of harm apparently it’s illegal to change the locks if you joint own the house
But there are other ways - leave the key in the lock and exit through a door they don’t have a key to
The cameras have helped

You are right when you say I miss the person I thought he was - it’s very unsettling to think he may have lied for years …. And then I think about the fact he has taken himself to a new relationship just exactly as he is. It maybe a while before he is not the ideal man ( and I genuinely believe for her he always will be) or that he will cheat on her as well

I am still stunned at how much he has given up - especially his kids for what he believes is the better life

I have a couple of thoughts on this, he has made his bed and has to lie in it - one day he will realise, if he hasn't already ! that he has made a big mistake but to save face he has to go through with it, esp as you will not have him back.

As for her, I guess she clearly loved her late husband - all these visits to the grave etc. one day she will realise he does not match up to her late husband in any way at all.
and one day he will stop being on his best behaviour with her and then she finds he is not her ideal man.

finally he may very well find one day that he is out of the frying pan into the fire.

and he deserves everything he gets if that turns out to be the case.

only time will tell, and you may never find out, unless he comes grovelling back to you on his hands and knees.

If you were to accidentally "lose" your keys, getting a new set is reasonable.

Let him go to court for a set of them.
Or put a key in the door at all times for the door he has a key and use another door and get extra keys for it too.

Or just add another lock lol - woman living on her own - scared etc etc
That deadlock on all the doors will do wonders for your peace of mind

Over my dead body would he get a copy of that key haha

When I divorced I discovered a man I never knew, mean, ugly, bitter, incapable of behaving like an adult, spiteful.

It really opened my eyes that I had been living with a stranger all my marriage.

I am still stunned at how much he has given up

It's all an ego boost for him. You were with him for a lot of years so you (quite rightly) wouldn't parade him around like a show pony. The OW can't believe her luck and will be fanning the fire of his, now huge, ego. Between that and the splashing of the cash he now thinks he's the cock of the walk, the dogs bollocks etc. This is where his audacity is coming from.

And because you didn't wail and howl and hold onto his leg begging him not to leave he's ramped up the fucking audacity to get to you and hurt you.

He will realise his mistake, but when he does it'll be far too late and he'll stick with the OW until another OW comes along. Rinse and repeat.

You concentrate on you and not the arsehole stbexh

Sending you lots of love and strength and peace and good times ❤️

@Gingerloaf try not to think of his lying through the years as it will taint your past even more. It might be easier to accept that he changed. At least it doesn’t make the past a lie. I am sure he would have had lots of happy moments with you. But I know it is tough so sending you a big hug x

Again I salute you one and all - wise words and only time will tell

Have just written Xmas cards to my in laws - very weird and I think Xmas will be weirder by far

As for her, I guess she clearly loved her late husband - all these visits to the grave etc

It could be performative. My step mother did this. Once she married my father she never went again.

Whatever your in laws say or pretend, .......privately, if they have even a grain of decency, they must be both shocked and appalled at his behaviour, and I would think mortified by his huge lack of judgement.

It's so clichéd, that people often privately view such overtly public pairings like theirs, as plain crass.

Someone I know said the emotions were very complicated, she was both furious at the betrayal, and furious at the embarrassment.
To be associated with such twatty behaviour, after decades together.

HIS behaviour felt a poor indictment of HER judgement as they were together so long.
Ridiculous of course but understandable.

Time mostly heals it, but when he returned 2 years later, post divorce, full of remorse, she actually admitted that it was lingering fury at the embarrassment that he caused her and the family, that meant she just couldn't/wouldn't go there.

Her pride simply wouldn't allow it.
Actually very sad, but again understandable.

This Christmas will be different @Gingerloaf I would try to see it as a fresh start and at least you will have your children with you x

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress - an interesting thought - so far his birthday and death day have been honoured. But it could be performative

@Littys - there is every chance H will come to his senses 2 years too late - and yes it’s embarrassing to be associated with such an ‘utter twat’ as soon as many people describe him. Someone said recently’ he’s destroyed his own life don’t let him destroy yours’ - so very true

@SpryCat - it’s the start of adult Xmas - DS is cooking and the DC and their partners are planning something different and for once I will sit back and enjoy. No restrictions no expectations- just the joy of being with dearly loved young people

and he’s still checking me online - not FB but a professional online community for want of a better description- why he does that is beyond me. His phone should be full of photos of me - but I suspect it’s easier to look at this if she is in the room
Enough of the over thinking - I don’t trust him an inch.

@Gingerloaf it must be so bizarre for him to be Mr Second Best - driving her to the gravesite to watch her mourn her late DH, thinking “So what am I then? Chopped liver?” Can you imagine what goes through his head at those moments? So weird.
Adult Christmas sounds amazing. We are having two very low-key ones here. As I said, I have spent since Feb in and out of the hospital and have had quite enough of that. I have started back at work this week which is surprisingly exhausting but I needed it badly. (I work with lovely people). My eldest daughter flies in on the 4th from interstate (haven’t seen her since Dec 14th) and a couple of very good friends from Norway I haven’t seen in person since 2005 fly in on the 6th. I can’t wait!!! My 18 y/o twins will fly out to Europe some time in Feb so it will be lovely to have everyone together. My son is determined to learn how to cook “My” duck. That’s going to be interesting given that I have no recipe and wing it every time.

@Fraaahnces - your plans sound lovely
My DS is making a flying visit here next week and then I am driving him back the next day
I am beyond excited - he gives the best hugs and is such a wonderful man.
I hope your Xmas is all you want and more

Yours too! I have told DD1 that she is not allowed to scrape me off for a full minute when she gets here, and I will time it. (She’s not a hugger.) Her dad will be worse. She said she would put up with it just this once and laughed at herself.

If he's looking at you ok LinkedIn he must know you'll be able to tell. I'd block him

Your adult children are blessed to have such a mum, no matter how hurt you are you are still there for them, looking out for them and the one person who they can rely on. Christmas this year will be bittersweet at times but you will all cherish the time spent with each other, finding strength together even though it will be different.

Some families don’t pull together and make the best of the situation nor find strength being together like yours @Gingerloaf.

You will have everyone round your table at Christmas who wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Your circle may be smaller but you and your adult children know you/they can count on each other no matter what life throws at you all. It will be a Christmas filled with love, trust and unity. X

Unless you are at risk of harm apparently it’s illegal to change the locks if you joint own the house

This is true but as PP said let him take you to court over it. As so many have learned, even if the then husbands/partners weren't abusive during the relationship, they can turn very nasty once they end it. They are never going to admit to potentially harming anyone so it's up to us to know not to trust them and to protect ourselves.

The mention of show pony has me having thoughts about arranging a badly made rosette to be sent to MM purportedly from BB, to show her appreciation of all that he has given up done for her.

If it's LinkedIn, it was that that started me on the path of identifying OW. She had her mate look at my page and I got an alert. Surely anybody who uses that site knows that you can be seen looking at profiles? 🙄

@TheFormidableMrsC - so perhaps he thought I would see that he had looked ( a bit like sending a birthday card as he did)
it’s not a platform I look at regularly ( certainly didn’t when married) as I have been retired for 2 years. Perhaps it’s a way to signal something but actually what it says more than anything to me is how irrational his behaviour is. If you are happy sort the bills, aim for an amicable ( where possible) split and leave the spouse alone. Leaving ‘digital fingerprints’ seems calculated.
I am prouder of the fact that I am not overthinking this too much - whether deliberate or not it’s odd. I clocked it and moved on with what I was doing- I certainly won’t be looking at his page

I wouldn’t overthink it either. He might be trying to see what you’re doing, if you’re looking for work, or maybe he’s not enjoying having any control over the current situation or say in anything, he can’t be indifferent, I’d bet my house on that. However it’s speculation and he’s forfeited the right to know that’s going in your life and being nosey just makes him look unhappy.