No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Gingerloaf I have been following this thread from the beginning but not commented before. I just wanted to say I think you are incredible - you have been through so much and you are coping with these mountains of shit in such a wholly admirable way. Christmas, birthdays, children are all such massive triggers for all of us - so try and stay strong - I loathe December - but we will get through it together. The Mumsnet 'family' are with you. I know you love music, have a listen to this album by Lissie - it's about a messy breakup. https://lissie.com/project/carving-canyons/ Sad is a good singalong anthem. Sending you love and strength. Youv'e got this 💪❤👊xxx

Am late to your thread Gingerloaf but you have my support for what is an exhausting and awful experience with your STBXH. I won't derail by detailing my own marital breakdown but suffice it to say that my eldest DD considers her father to be a narcissist and sociopath thanks to his behaviour, deceit and lies. When I disputed the narcissist tag she said that he only thinks about himself, which is true. He also disseminated the reasons for the breakdown of our marriage, which seems to be the norm for cheaters. Over 10 years later karma has yet to arrive in his case though. Take care of yourself and keep posting. We are all rooting for you x

What a wanker-at least he’s now an ex 😉

Oh @hildabaker you’ve made my day. If only we could leave Trip Advisor reviews? Or would that be Twit Advisor reviews? Different stars for important features, and then a general comments section for the juicy stuff.
A memory: an ex who had two DC who was all charm with me. Took a call from his ex wife, was all very jovial, but I went to the bathroom to give him some privacy.
I was on the landing and heard him shouting….
’The thing is Beryl what you need to accept is I am a better parent than you can ever be!’ Lots of swearing.
Then he turned to me and said…
’Oh now I suppose if you think if I talk to her like that I will one day talk to you like that?’
I went to get my handbag to leave and he…. burst into tears! It was the stress, apparently, poor him.
I should have gone that first time because within weeks he was talking to me like that.
Absolute nightmare.

Well done OP your doing brilliantly.
Some of the karma has already arrived he just hasn't realised yet. He has made irreparable damage to his relationships with his DCs that he's not even aware of (due to covert N). They will not forget his behaviour and actions and will probably keep him arms length for foreseeable future.

That's what my DH and SIL have done with MIL and her affair partner. FIL sadly died and she saw this as green light she was in the clear but DH and SIL saw it for what is was.
DH extended family tried to intervene but DH and SIL kept it to the facts and pointed out the no effort made on MIL part. Even they have stopped as they realised the story they were getting wasn't the truth.

Meanwhile MIL misses out on all her GC because neither of her kids want to be in the same room as her. Everyone has stopped playing to her tune and she's lonely with the fancy man. No amount of foot stopping is repairing the relationship and the buy love tactic hasn't worked with cheques or bank transfers returned.

Enjoy your festive lead up, your fabulous new self and enjoy your DCs 😊

The only divorce I was involved in was a no fault. The split was along the lines of one got more of the house but no part of the pension. So one party had say 80%of house after selling but the other kept whole of pension.
Depends who wants what and who is thinking of the future. Also depends who can still buy a place to live after divorce. And if there can be an agreement.
2 years ago. Hth

Once again many thanks - I have been out all day hill walking with a group of people who I have not seen for many month
s and who knew
Suffice to say it was reactions bingo - every swear word going from the men, hugs from the woman and lots of ‘he will be back’ as in it won’t last
So to come home with rosey cheeks to check in on you all I am overwhelmed with the love and support. I may be off grid for a while as H had the broadband cancelled ( account in his name but I was paying) so also need to sort that.

To have whacky backy mentioned just made me chortle, H has been back on at his solicitor to badger me for the finance information- it’s incredible how the situation allows the ‘guilty party ‘ to push for things.
Anyhow hills and fields of sheep and cows have restored my vitality.

I don’t think he has any empathy- not sure if this is part of being a Covert narc or if it’s part of his honeymoon phase of his affair - but I did look him dead in The eye when I laughed
I no longer want to an analyse him- as someone said don’t try and understand what he has done, because he has done something you would never do and therefore cannot comprehend

So if I disappear for a while it’s the joys of no broadband - but thank you one and all

I would not be hiding his cancelling broadband that he didn't pay for, from your children.

What a truly awful excuse of a man.
Stay strong.
We are wishing you well.

He has cancelled the broadband deliberately to irritate, but in the long run it will be better, as you will have your own deal totally out of his control - a metaphor, perhaps?

My DD's ex did this too, cancelled the Netflix account and his DS's mobile phone account. It is not even as if either of those cost much, it was just because he could. Spiteful little man actions.

Great news he’s cancelled the broadband. It’s easy enough to get a new deal. What a silly little man, I bet he’s got his narcissistic smirk all over his face (that’s the smirk Trump does, it’s a definite “thing”, my BIL does the exact same smirk when he thinks he’s in control)

What an arse he is, as if you can't sort out broadband for yourself!!. Takes me back to a Christmas after ex was"happy" with new partner, about 30 plus years ago. He bought youngest daughter a tv for her room... Small 12 inch one that was wall mounted box shape. The instructions were don't allow your Mother to watch it. This was said to a 5 year old. Sad man. Onyhoo back to you Gingerloaf. He's obviously sitting in Budgie Towers thinking how he can annoy/attention seek.

Still here for now - a friend pointed out that I am a fixer, a problem solver and he knows this so he has deliberately done things that are an irritation ( and claimed to my face he was not game playing- I honestly thought of doing a comedy yawn)
And as it has been said many times before if he was so happy in his new life this need to thrown metaphorical rubber bands at me would not exist
He has royally messed up and knows it but thinks he can demonise me to elevate himself ( he’s done that for long enough, I am pulling back my energy)

Great timing from him too, as OP will be able to get the cheap Black Friday broadband deals that are coming out this week. It's worth checking that you've not been stung for a cancellation penalty though, depending on the terms of the old contract. While you're waiting for the broadband to get sorted out properly, you could get a PAYG mobile broadband device (aka a mifi) as a stopgap measure. They aren't as fast as proper broadband, but you can also use them on your travels with a laptop or tablet, rather than having to use your phone, and are adequate for iplayer etc if you use them in conjunction with a smart TV. The EE 60GB ones are cheaper, but the data only lasts for 2 months, while there's £10 off at the moment for the 120GB ones that lasts for a year.
www.currys.co.uk/phones/mobile-broadband

@dunBle - you are very kind
We weee out of contract - hence why it costs me double- so a small irritation but another thing done
I will be without B Band but there you go

@Gingerloaf do you have neighbours (with wifi) and are they nice humans? It’s worth asking if they can help for a day or two whilst you get set up?

I’m generally happy enough to help my neighbours out. In fact a couple of us have each others codes incase wifi goes down. Lady next door is a home based social work manager and she’s had to use mine before as hers died. Not costing me anything and she’s not up to anything dodgy hopefully so all good. :)

good luck.

Besmirching is the act of the narcissist. It’s typically, almost universal behaviour. They can’t live with shame. Everything has to be someone else’s fault. Their public persona matters beyond everything. Anyone who knows you will know the truth. Anyone who believes him isn’t worth knowing.

“I can only hope one day he crashes but I no longer hold any hope of that - I may wait many years for that to happen.”
Don’t. The best thing you can do is put him behind you, out of mind, as soon as possible. Getting him out of your head once the dust settles, is the priority or you will drive yourself nuts.

He wanted to do something different. He even told you about his relationship so just let him go and don’t tie yourself in knots wondering if/ when he will crash and burn. He might. He might not. You have to think of you and moving on.

@DearDenimEagle - you are very right and actually day by day I am moving further away from him
When I bumped into him I didn’t feel
much - I was paying more attention to what he said so I was ready for the deflection and the manipulation
He is cut off from contact.
I am definitely changing - less emotionally yo and down. Not sure I can explain it - after 39 years it’s hard to ‘let them’ but I keep reminding myself - day to day still for me

You are right. It was bad enough after 13 years. 39 is a lot harder. You are awesome and I know you have got this. You’ve certainly handled things better than I did at the same stage. I’m just rooting for you.

His treatment of you in the street suggests he’s under stress and unable to control himself. Pay no heed to the bile that came out of his mouth; evaluate only his action.
Can you develop an irritating laugh to wrong foot him if you encounter him again? He’d wonder if he was laughable or if you were giddy with happiness. To drown him out an endless noisy cough works well.
Holidays and SM bragging posts aren’t everyday life. I find them useful to escape boredom and banality. Just saying.
Oooh, the power Little Man had with the bb contract and how he thinks he’s “learned” you. The utter prat. Get thee back on bb @Gingerloaf asap and squeeze in more hill walking with supportive friends.

@Gingerloaf Just popping back in to wish you all the very best. You (and your playlist) sound very much like someone I would enjoy in real life. I truly believe you deserve better than you have been treated and than you are likely to be treated the way things are shaping up. Unfortunately, my health has been awful and while I am on the upswing, I have decided to bow out of Mumsnet. Despite 99% of the posters on here being genuine and kind, it just doesn’t seem to be the same supportive environment that it used to be. I’ve made the decision to jump ship and go back and finish my degree in my decrepit years and need to reserve my remaining brain cells for study.

Oh @Fraaahnces .. I know this is Ginger's thread but I'm really sorry to hear about your health. You've always been a lovely voice on Mumsnet. Sincerely hope you can enjoy your degree and the learning.

@Fraaahnces so sorry to read about your health. You are a wonderful poster with great wisdom.

If you ever feel like getting back in touch, start a thread "Friends of Fraaahnces" and we will find you and wish you well😁.

Every good wish to you and yours and your future study.
I would imagine you will make a huge difference in the life of others💪.

@Fraaahnces I know an 81 year old who has decided to go back to uni to study philosophy. Very inspiring.

As @Littys says, we will find you if you start a thread.

The very best of luck with your studies and with your health.

@Fraaahnces - I am so sorry that you are leaving but absolutely admire and support your opinion and decision
Can I just say I always looked forward to your posts. You have been a beacon of light in these dark times. I don’t know you but I wish I did. Thank you for being you and for what you have done for me.
I wish you well and hope that one day we ‘meet’ again. Thank you - your a wonderful human being x