No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

WTF happened last night, I posted how lovely and supportive this thread was before going to bed and overnight the insomniacs and crack smokers took over. I'm now burning sage... be gone with you negative spirits 🤣

I admire your strength, Gingerloaf, and I wish you all the best.

I think your story will help many other women who will, sadly, face similar circumstances.

Christmas and New Year and not just about new starts but also reflecting on the past. I think he will be very regretful in January, although whether he will be able to admit it or not is another story.

Yes I thought the same. Utterly derailing the thread. Not useful in the slightest.

I just had a thought after reading Ginger’s threads.
One day a man who she loved and had spent most of her adult life, built a home with, shared children with, blindsided her by upping and leaving.
He gave no real reason why. He blamed a cupboard, but what he really wanted was someone else’s money.
And yesterday he stood abusing her in the street, after saying terrible things about her and trying to involve others.
What type of man does that? We cannot guarantee anyone stays in our lives. But to leave and then cause such destruction, and to keep being so above is cruel.
And finally, nobody who is happy in their own world puts up a happy couple pic on social media, whilst standing and shouting at their own wife in the street.

Is that not what you are doing?
You chose to stay with a cheater and here you are trying to tell ginger that she bears some responsibility for his choice to dive balls deep into another woman.

Is that not what you are doing?
You chose to stay with a cheater and here you are trying to tell ginger that she bears some responsibility for his choice to dive balls deep into another woman.

I've only come back now as thought had imagined the madness in baby induced lack of sleep! Most spectacular 'me rail' in a while 😆. "IGNORE ALL THE SUPPORT AND ADVICE YOUVE BEEN GETTING OP!! LISTEN TO MEEEE!!" 🤪

I go to bed and return to this thread and find deleted posts,
and mention of the lighting department in British Home Stores @WearyAuldWumman do you know that BHS lighting can still be bought online ? says me looking around my living room and realising that all the lighting came from BHS
which probably means I should be updating my lighting.
one day maybe.

@Gingerloaf
I suppose it is to be expected that you will bump into him, I think his nastiness comes from deep down guilt - he knows he has done wrong and as there is no way back from that he has to fight.

WTF happened last night?
A projector accused others of projecting.
Then called someone a tw**t for pulling them up on the hypocrisy of their own posting history.

This! Multiple usage of twat calling, letting women know they were just as much to blame as the cheating spouse, and if they only worked hard enough they too could rekindle their lurve...🥰

Remember you are dealing with a toddler age child at this point in time because that's as high as his emotional development is. This is why he is trying to get any attention whatsoever from you.

He's subconsciously saying 'mum - don't you love me any more?' & then having a tantrum because he's not getting what he wants.

In relation to the extinction burst this is common thing in children but also a good tool to be aware of when training dogs.

After you've cracked the ignoring of the extinction burst I think MM might be become Mardy Man & BB Budgie Bird.

Even in the down times you are doing great OP. Welcome to the world of women who live alone & revel in the freedom which I'll shorten to WOWIF.

The cheater is responsible for their decision to cheat. End of. The person cheated on is in charge of their response to said cheating and nothing more.

Doing the pick me dance successfully doesn't make you superior.

I’ve just found your thread and want to say I think you are wonderful. I’m 36 and my partner of 15 years left me and our DC almost four years ago for another woman, which he denied, gaslit me all the way, tried to ruin me financially by adding secure loans to our joint mortgage so that he could shack up with the woman he left me for. Never paid a penny towards the mortgage on the day he left, our children were both under 5 and I was on my knees.

It was a terrible time, he was vile, just completely broke me mentally. And for a long time, I was furious with everything he did, the lack of support with the kids (he still has never had them overnight since he left), leaving me to pick up the pieces emotionally for them and muddle through financially. I would engage in lengthy WhatsApp battles, telling him what an utter bastard he was, a terrible father for abandoning his kids and doing the bare, bare minimum to help and expecting to be glorified as a wonderful father. I’ve never hated another person more in my life, which was also mentally exhausted given, at one point, I had loved him so much. I felt like he had gotten away with so much, was so unscathed by the whole thing and I had been horribly burnt by the whole affair.

I can’t tell you how much time is a healer. It took everything I had to establish a routine for the kids, to make it work whilst I was working (and work being brilliant and understanding), being the luckiest person in the world to have wonderful parents who helped me more than I can ever say and more than I’ll ever be able to repay them for. And the stars aligning for me to have had this twat walk away from me when interest rates were on the floor and house prices were high so that I was able to get a mortgage on my own and buy him out due to having a lot of equity in the home and he being desperate for money because he was so very much in debt (something I only truly found out about after he had left and thankfully, I was not linked to).

Here I am in my home with my beautiful children, in a job I’m good at (not brilliant pay but enough to pay the bills and still have enough for a little holiday once in a while), the stability of having a house that’s all mine (albeit with a mortgage!). My contact with my ex has been reduced to just a few words about the children when necessary and although I absolutely hate him, the anger has burnt out to indifference now. My mum told me the best way to make him pay was to just have an amazing life, to show him that he didn’t reduce me to a useless wreck and how it much kill him to see me absolutely winning at life without him.

I often laugh to myself now about the other woman with her ‘prize’ and think it’s just brilliant that now he’s her problem 🤣 and it will be the same for you. Well done on just being brilliant without him. And whilst heartbreaking, you will become the most resilient person imaginable, I’m far more resourceful, calm in a crisis and amazing with money now because I’ve had to be.

I hope you and your kids have the best Christmas and don’t think of him for a second. I guarantee he’ll he kicking himself, thinking of you having best time without him, wondering why he lost his lovely family for someone clearly so beneath you!

I remember reading somewhere 'there's someone right now with your ex who thinks she's met someone special'. It does make you pity the OW (a little bit) and laugh (a lot). I hope you and others have a good day today @Gingerloaf

edited for typo

It sounds awful but after this update you really need to focus solely on protecting yourself.

Might your solicitor advise you on this.
Contact with him is not in your interests.
He sounds quite unhinged.

I wouldn't keep this from your children.
They are adults and I wouldn't be misleading them about his awful behaviour.

It doesn't sound like a personality transplant at all, it was clearly there all along but you were too busy doing and paying for it all, to see it.

Sadly this is often the case.
Time to really protect yourself now.
I'm so sorry.

@littys - it’s all in hand what you suggest

And Yes covert narcissist are really hard to identify. Very manipulative and just enough breadcrumbing to be done. I also recognise that I would humble myself - don’t make a fuss of my birthday etc etc and this helped him immensely
The clarity of thinking now is helping the anger and the focus

Thank you to all kind posters - with your experiences and your support
This thread is very much evolving as a reflection of what can happen in a marriage.

OP, you are such a strong woman. I'm so sorry you're going through this. He truly is a POS.

Just a point about BB's pension which may be from her departed husband. Some pensions will still pay out if you remarry so we might assume that he would need to disclose this income once divorce proceedings commence.

Ah yes. I think that there were a few wandering posts. Thank you - I didn't know that. Shall have a wee look online.

Stop victim blaming and stop telling OP to stop listening to posters who have supported her and kept her going for months.

It is the height of arrogance to come onto a thread and slag off the kind and witty posters that have been giving OP useful advise and making her laugh.

@Fannyfiggs Yes, And it wasn't a full moon or anything. 🙄 Sorry @Gingerloaf - I hope it hasn't caused you too much distress.

He is no doubt under the almost 24/7 cosh at Budgie Towers. If she's writing his emails, invoking Biblical sh~tstorms like a latter-day Billy Graham and prompting saccharine FB posts it can't be pleasant for him, especially when coupled with having to ferry her about to the graveyard and flailing about trying to latch on to former friends who scorn him. She must be in his ear almost constantly about you and I can't imagine it's pleasant. Plus she's probably now past the lacy knicks stage and reverting back to thousand-wash-grey comfy pants. The more cruel the lashing-out, the more desperate and wretched he feels, I imagine. Good. He's the architect of his own misery.

Hope you have an OK day Ginger. I know it's horrible - but it won't always be this sh~t. With love. x

@Gingerloaf his need to be to the hero if her story and victim in yours is absolutely vital to him, or the story he is constructing about who he is, what he has done, is doing and why, comes tumbling down.
Not only that, if he resents your coping and not begging for his return (I’d bet my house on this) then his only defence from that is attack, his anger has to go somewhere.
I doubt the cold shoulder and polite rebuffs from friends have been lost on him, he knows exactly why they are distancing themselves and why, he knows they know the truth and the truth is his biggest fear at present, it annihilates his careful construction of his character.
To be able to continue with a course of action which is attracting pretty much universal disapproval, and still think everybody else is wrong and you are right, to still be able to think that nobody understands and that you are being persecuted, you need the mental gymnastics equivalent of our GB Olympic squad.
These people are making me feel bad, therefore:
They just don’t understand what it was like with that awful Gingerloaf.
That awful Gingerloaf is out to get me and is vilifying me to everyone.
I am not a cold-hearted cheating quitter, I am a refugee from the abuse dealt to me by that awful Gingerloaf.
Thing is, they all know very well that Gingerloaf is the diametric opposite of awful, so I need to apprise them of a few things.
If they don’t believe me, I’ll convince them she’s crazy and just hidden her personality disorders really well (oh the irony, gets out projector) and then they’ll finally get it and feel sorry for me.
OW gets it, she understands. She thinks I’m a hero putting up with it for so long.
Projector whirring at full tilt, affair partners batting away each other’s flaws, all feeds into the ‘us against the world’ myth and voilá: the most beautiful and unique love story of all time? Naaahhh. The basic dynamic of most common or garden affairs and why even though this fake dynamic feels really, really good (who doesn’t want to feel like the perfect man/ woman and have somebody totally invested in getting you to believe it?) sooner or later, the vast majority of them crash and burn.
The truth, as Elvis Presley said (no, I haven’t been on the wacky baccy, it really is from Elvis) is like the sun: you can’t always see it, but it’s always there.
Before people pile in I know there are successful relationships which started as affairs, hence my use of the word ‘majority’.
In statistics I have read from various platforms plus my own life experiences, however, crash and burn is the norm.
One so far still going, out of sadly a pretty big number for one person’s personal experience. All the rest tanked, nobody can keep up a façade forever.
Block him now apart from essential communication and use your solicitor, your mental health is your priority.
Counter the muck spreading where you find it, but don’t worry too much about it, those who know, know and won’t be easily convinced when the Husband Grimm starts his fairytales.

The truth, as Elvis Presley said (no, I haven’t been on the wacky baccy, it really is from Elvis) is like the sun: you can’t always see it, but it’s always there.

Thank you for this @Thewookiemustgo , it gives me hope.

I hope you're okay @Gingerloaf , none of this is easy and it doesn't help when they start throwing bigger toys out of their prams. Do whatever you need to protect yourself, don't underestimate the fucker

The thing is @Gingerloaf they do show us who they have always been eventually when the mask falls off.

We don’t see it because we love them and at that time we are very much ‘painted white’ to them so they keep it hidden. That said, I did see many elements with mine where he could be arrogant and entitled with other people, just never me. I guess it was finally my turn to get a dose of that and I do blame myself in hindsight for not really looking properly at what was in front of me in terms of personality.

I think in time you may be surprised who comes out of the woodwork and validates what is happening to you now. I had friends who I had not seen in ages/just sort of lost touch with who came back into my life when he was gone and they were very clear they distanced because they thought he was an arrogant prick but they never said anything because they thought I was so happy.

As for his current behaviour, it’s all projection. They won’t admit it but it’s fuelled by shame and they get angry at the reactions of others caused by their own behaviour. They completely lack empathy and accountability.

I’ve no experience on any of the legal side of stuff but my advice would be to completely grey rock him. Give him zero emotional reactions and build yourself up like a phoenix of epic proportions. Yes, initially, all of this will be fuelled out of spite and whatever, which I know people say isn’t healthy BUT there will come a day where all that then becomes 100% genuine for yourself and you won’t give a flying fig what he thinks - the beautiful upshot of all of that is you feel so strong and meanwhile he’s looking like the smallest man who ever lived and they hate it.

If that’s not a hefty whacking dose of cold revenge whilst maintaining dignity and shining on then I don’t know what is.

You’re an articulate and intelligent woman who clearly has a bit of spunk about her. There’s no question who is going to end up better off at the end of all of this.

Op

does he believe she is wealthier than you? Is he financially motivated?

to the pp telling ginger to stop thinking about him and move on

I mean FFGS are you STUPID or what?

Do you not think she would if she could you absolute %*+!>#!

Considering you said you have been there it is absolutely astounding that you think this poor bloody woman can simply turn her thoughts and emotions off?!

Honest to god. What was your technique?! MDMA? Crack?

and fwiw of course she can look back to analyse her own role but even so she was blindsided which means he never even gave her the heads up that he was unhappy in the slightest