No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

You have used this thread to post your own mea culpa whilst simultaneously projecting your situation onto the OP's.

As you suggested upthread, it is true that we can all be guilty of projecting. Another poster merely pointed out that you'd had a dramatic change of heart. You have taken umbrage in rather a surprising manner.

When you point a finger at others, count how many are pointing back at yourself.

You seem to be very angry. Methinks that you're directing it at the wrong targets.

I'm not sure where the accusation of superiority comes in.

Someone's upset you, and I don't think that it's the people on this thread.
There's obviously no point in responding to you. I hope that you find peace.

How's about we think about Christmas now. It's suddenly rolling up so fast. Not helped by the world and his dog putting up pictures of their Christmas trees.

And Black Friday has been going on for the last month it seems. Thanksgiving is on Thursday, Black Friday the following day FFS.

I miss the excitement of sales twice a year. The day after boxing day we'd jump in for the car and head for Chester. We were there for 8.30 AM. Dash around C&A, BHS, for the childrens clothes. Then back to Browns, for more bits for OH. A peek into Miss Selfridge for me, There was a KFC type place where we'd have chicken pieces, a buffet with lots of sides you could help yourself to .

Then home with two sleepy children and lots of carrier bags. Those were the days.

I do miss C&A's. Just a few hours ago, I was remarking on the fact that I miss the lighting department at British Home Stores.

@Ilovemeggy38 sorry but your absolutely playing a part in derailing a thread that Ginger has to come and read through. maybe rise above comments that are upsetting you?

Yes I agree, it's an unsettling thread, I suppose it's because I've been there, I recognise the absolute need to demonise him. I see so many ways I was OP Ginger and I want to say to her STOP! Don't do this, what I did.
Stop, look after yourself,stop thinking about him and her.
I absolutely know this because I have been there . It's hell when you go down that route of wondering if they are happy, what they are doing. It takes all the momentum away from your healing.

And I'm sorry if I derailed ,it was absolutely not my intention.
I have been in that pit of despair and I absolutely know how it feels, he is the fucking worst of bastards, I know .. sorry if it's too soon Ginger , I probably am you two years down the line.
I hope you are ok love, it's horrendous, it's horrible, it's fucking terrible worst thing, I know xxx

I wish you all the best Ginger. You are doing things you enjoy. I think you are amazingly well. I send you hugs.

And I have just come back to this , it's coming up to Christmas, I left In the November, my kids were 16 and 11, I remember from that time my girls slept with me in my awful strange bed, they didn't want to sleep in their own beds..we had this strange house, that wasn't their house or home.i We are back together but I still remember those times and look at him and think what the actual fuck.
He has been wonderful for our girls in the last few years but I still do have that lasting effect.
Perhaps it will never leave,we have survived though x

I just did a reading for you and it’s coming through to me that for soul partner is in Sweden or another northern Scandinavian country. I’m getting a lot of snow, a garden with berries and steaming pots of berry tea. I’m getting candles and a serene wood setting and log cabin with northern lights. I’m getting photos on a tinder style app but not tinder. I’m feeling a meeting with this soul mate and a long distance relationship followed by a property purchase, a wedding. He’s very tall and cycles.

I Am also getting visions of Italy and a villa so I don’t know if you’re travelling to both places with two different people or the same or there’s a Swedish and Italian romance.

I am getting an orgasm rush - best sex if your life, a re awakening and a feeling of complete safety and loyalty. A feeling that your final chapter is filled with love.

I am getting that you leave, you need to leave this situation and fly and through that you find new experiences and love.

💖

Okay that’s all just my imagination and made up. However you’d do just as well as following that than anything else.

My point is leave. Get out. Life is short. Start fresh.

But does anyone have the right to make that decision for someone else? No.

If you want to leave, get out, start fresh then do that. Your life is yours. But don't judge others for not following this advice.

The reality isn't always Sweden and Berry Tea, sometimes it's a hostel in grotsville and then the fresh start might not seem like such a great option...

Dealing with a covert narcissist is extremely challenging
Being aware is a strength - yesterday the smear campaign was in full swing. I am
blessed with friends in real life who rallied around and but some barriers in place
This will rile him some more - his need to manipulate, lie, cheat and gaslight is immense
It was always there - but more subtle whilst I was still providing the money and the status - then a new supply came along and basically said - for less effort you can have this kind of life so he took it and expected the kids and I to be happy for him. The life we had here was one we talked about and researched for years.

The fact that I played him
at his game was what he didn’t expect - he wanted drama and signs he could say were mentally unhinged. He has blame shifted, gaslight and specifically put problems in my way to use up the money I have that he believes is his. I have not posted all the events on here.
Yesterday took a dark turn. That I stood up for myself in a public place may result in things rping up more. However now I now more about covert narcissistic behaviour- and this has taken months to see ( alongside counselling) I am mentally and physically prepared to deal with it.
His need to be the hero of her story and victim in mine is so clear and a little breathtaking
He is to be pitied - and cut off from my life

All you can do is look after me. How right. You can't control your ex or his lady friend. Leave them to it and move on with your own life.

@Gingerloaf

I’ve read all your posts. I went through a similar situation over 20 years ago.

I just want to say I feel a bit concerned about your ongoing thoughts about what the couple are thinking, feeling and doing. I think it’s unhelpful for your MH and people updating you about what they see, hear and think about the couple would be more helpful keeping it to themselves.

39 years together, I think you're handling things admirably. Since this thread started, you've been strong and am sure helped others in this position. I think your eyes have opened in regards to your ex and its great you're seeing clearly. Your heart has been broken, it's human nature to think of the bird couple, it'll take time. Keep doing what you're doing, lean on rl friends. Xx

Yep, I agree. It often smacks of trying a little bit too hard to paint their life as wonderful.