No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Sleep is great and a break.
Sleep well.
Tomorrow is a new day.
He is to be pitied.

@Ilovemeggy38 - I can’t read your whole post - we were on the same track until
the affair started and he spouted a completely different mindset eg relax not gardening or decorating a home ( she’s already done hers and is older so it makes sense to her)
I have always said I don’t get him off the hook for his affair he was willing. He made his choices
He thought he was the big I am
having never achieved anything in life and it all went to shit
He underestimated me all the way - I never thought he would come back
I have put up with his mind games and little boy lost
I didn’t steam roller him
into anything that’s why in real
life everyone is look on in disbelief

Thats why it’s so fucking weird

Oh I get it absolutely.
I got the whole you didn't listen, the kids were growing up, I have needs you were not meeting..I was absolutely livid like you Ginger, I could have killed him.
I was stuck for so long hating him, then I crucially really, really looked into how I was in the relationship and I got some perspective.
I contributed to my relationship breakdown(not his decision to shag someone else) I owned my own fault in our relationship.
We are okay now but crucially it took him to realise and own up to him going outside our relationship and me to realise I was not showing up for him and his needs for us to achieve this.
We both had to leave the blame, hurt, egos and yes a bit of both of crap behaviour in our long relationship.
I'm lucky I suppose because I got to work on it with him, he wanted to come back and I wanted him back but my God the work you have to do is brutal, you and him
It might be that in time he will say he wants to come back but if you are not in a good place with yourself, ie worked on really what has gone wrong with your marriage it won't work.
40 years of marriage, my guess is he will eventually want to work things out, but Ginger you have to realise you might have been a part of your marriage breakdown.
Other women are usually just a distraction, they are never usually long term..
I would not be focusing on her at all, you need to focus on yourself, you matter at the moment.

And I'm absolutely not belittling your hurt, god I know that hurt, but you have to work on yourself now, don't just put all the blame on him, I know, I know it's incredibly easy to do that, he was an absolute shit to leave you and shack up with her I know!
He is obviously going through his reasons, but just but his reasons might be valid, how he's gone about them isn't, it's fucking horrendous but my OH had to realise that as well, but crucially I had to do some awful, painful work on realising I ignored him and what he was trying to tell me.
Long Relationships work when you both realise you have changed, you have to keep talking and meet each others needs.
I learnt the hard way, I actually didn't want to get back together initially but then I thought, what was my responsibility in the relationship, was I still keeping it up after 24 years and my answer was no , I wasn't.
I saw him as a provider, we had brought our children up and they were on their way out of the nest, I didn't get to know him again and he didn't get to know me again.
His betrayal made us both focus on each other again.x

I'm all for taking a balanced view during marital breakdowns but draw the line at the sort of mental gymnastics needed to accept accountability in the kind of "Im so sorry my teeth damaged your shoes" scenario. Sometimes it really is all one person's fault , especially if all the issues only manifest themselves when the faithless jerks need to invent them.

How on earth do you know he's inventing the problems.
I'm sorry, just no, he might be I'm so fed up in my life this is what I'm doing, going with Budgie.
The sheer projection on his motives on this thread are unbelievable.
If it were a female we would be saying go for it, do you, get out of your horrible relationship.
I'm aghast at the people on here projecting their own scenarios.

I’m really sorry to hear you bumped into him. I feel it hampers your recovery but it’s I preventable. @Gingerloaf csn you go away for a week after the new year. You’ve been through so much crap, sending you a hug, I’ve had too much wine tonight to provide a more helpful take on this x

*unpreventable

Ginger, with the best will in the world you must know all the crap you have been fed over the last few days is just that.
It's people on here who have their own axe to grind, and quite possibly it's legit thinking, but it's not your life.
I would advise you to take a step back from this thread, if I had been on it in the first throws of his betrayal I would be probably exactly the same, now I see the hurt, I absolutely get it but it's not helpful.

I somehow doubt that this meeting was an accident. I do hope that there were witnesses @Gingerloaf.
He’s a nasty, bitter individual who is clearly fueled by resentment and spite. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
@Ilovemeggy38 Ginger has always made it clear that she believes her STBXH made the choice to cheat. She doesn’t believe that he was remotely innocent. She believes that he was one of two people who made that decision.

Oh come on!
Ginger has just somehow just seen a picture of them!
She is blocked by him and so who has sent the picture and what possible reason have they for doing that?

I will say it again and not apologising for it, you guys who egg her on are not doing her any favours, you are putting your hurt on her situation.

What men who cheat are trying to tell us is that they are not very good at meeting their own needs, (unmet needs is no excuse for cheating) emotionally immature, poor communicators in relationship issues, and are conflict avoidant and cowardly when they perceive they have a problem or are faced with a moral dilemma. There are other ways than cheating or just suddenly walking out to let your wife know you’re unhappy for whatever reason, valid or otherwise.
I stayed with my husband after his affair and absolutely owned my responsibility for my 50% of our very long life together. That was all I was responsible for. My behaviour. Not his.
It will be a cold day in hell when I take an ounce of responsibility for his decision to cheat.

My remarks were of a general nature and clearly refer to extreme situations where victim blaming is taken to ridiculous levels. I made no mention of gender

How on earth do you know this, I'm sorry this ridiculous assumption just makes my take on you need to stop listening to this thread..its ridiculous now

Absolutely.
I know way take any responsibility for his shagging this other fucking woman, I was furious, I was absolutely in bits, it ruined my life. I allowed it to ruin my life .
Then I realised I had control,he wasn't all that, I was responsible for my life, and i realised i was a bit crap , I actually was 50 % responsibe for my relationship, I wasn't this weak person,I grew up and realised I was responsible.
Absolutely life changing.

I suppose my story is we are okay now, 27 years later we have both realised we want to be together, we want our life.
I've had to swallow he shagged another woman, trust me it was difficult,, I had to get over it, it's not always clear.
But I did get over it, I have a very clear lovely sense of myself, l absolutely love myself , it's a given with me now.

@Ilovemeggy38

your latest reply is a bit different from what you posted back in Feb...

I know! Why do we take cheaters back?
7 replies

Ilovemeggy38 · 02/02/2024 02:10
Why on earth do we do it?
I fucking hate him

so 9 months later you no longer hate him ?

You have to listen to your other half, because if you didn't you have only yourself to blame, my other half was screaming at me to listen to him. I ignored it because I was focusing on myself , my oh was quite plainly saying I love you but you ignore me. I ignored him, I can look back at it and say I wasn't listening and just blame him.
I absolutely know I didn't show up enough.
If it was the other way in here, Mumsnet would say he's not doing enough.
Perhaps we need to meet our Partner's half way x

In what way is this derailing the point?

It's only been 9 months. What happened to make you change your mind?

no need for name calling.

I just wonder how/why you have suddenly appeared on this thread, so often today/tonight when you have never commented before

and what you say today/tonight conflicts so much with what you said in Feb.

have you found the Op's initial thread ?
obiv unlike some of us on this one, you can't comment on it as it is full.

Sorry Ginger, this has derailed your thread.
I'm not sure it should have x
I hope you are okay x

I have commented n the thread earlier?
Weird comment