No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress
"Budgiefucker"

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

No he doesn't. OW wanted our child out of their lives and when I was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the pandemic she said he was no longer welcome. He was 8 years old. She then bought a house at the other end of the country and we've not seen him since. DS is now 13. If my ex husband had truly wanted a relationship with his child he would have. He clearly didn't. It blows my mind.

I'm not surprised @TheFormidableMrsC . Poor lad. You've really been through it, I hope you're doing okay now

You really are the most funny set of people I have ever ‘met’

@Kittensat36 - you are very funny, made me laugh
@andIsaid - I do focus more on me and I feel better than ever. You are absolutely right he didn’t expect to be there and is desperately reaching out to people from the past for validation and getting none. I think he thought he could play the love god between the 2 of us - but who in their right mind fights a woman in her 70s for the right to wash a man’s underpants??? He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize and at a very high cost
@Fraaahnces - it was him that spilt the beans about’ seeing someone else’ like he had picked out a paint colour for the hall.
@permanently - not a cat in hells chance of taking him back but I think he still harbours hopes it will happen. Can’t explain why I think this. He still needs to email and then play obtuse games ‘ me no understand what you mean’ - in the past I would have elaborated on whatever this was - now I see it as a deflection tactic of a covert narcissist and I don’t play games anymore. This is yanking his chain big time.
@Quitelikeit - she doesn’t have kids and I suspect has no idea about that dynamic and the pull they will always have. I suspect quite a bit of jealousy about it.
I do not wish to come across as bitter - I am only bitter about the divorce and how much he will get for screwing me over. If he had acted with respect and made things amicable it would have softened the blow
@DucklingSwimmingInstructress - correct
@schtompy - I think there is a whole industry around understanding the man who has strayed and how the wife needs to make it work etc ( maybe just the algorithms on my FB) at the end of the day we make excuses for the behaviour of adults who act with intent and make choices. Many of them make these choices but if their spouse had acted as they did they would be far from understanding or forgiving.

We are all responsible for the choices we make - nothing I did or didn’t do would have blown him off course. His head was turned and he thought he was a player - and now he lives with the consequences

Many thanks folks you made me really laugh today x

I don't think you can ever understand just how much it niggles at a person, any of us, to know you have royally fxxked up and it is ALL your own fault and you cant undo it.

It is the stuff that your mind circles in the middle of the night, on a loop, round and round and round.
This is him.
This is his lot now.

His children's approbrium will cut him so deeply.
An open wound that will shame him to his core, forever.
He would go back in a second if he could.
She can never understand that.

He is desperately trying to keep contact with the OP because that is his only vain desperate hope of maybe undoing this.

OP's refusal to indulge his confusion and need for clarification via email, will be feeding his deep rooted fear that their really is no fixing this monumental fxxk up.

He is in a shit place.
Why else would he be reaching out to people.

He has caused the OP terrible shock and grief, but she will recover and she will thrive.

He on the other hand, will be for the rest of his life, a disappointment to his children and a salutary tale among friends and beyond.
A pathetic anecdotal story that people recall, sadder with every retelling!.

A shit show of a legacy when he had so much to be proud of and to look forward to with OP.

You'd nearly feel sorry for him, ......if he wasn't such a tit😁

who in their right mind fights a woman in her 70s for the right to wash a man’s underpants???

That has reminded me of the joy I felt emptying the laundry basket into a bin liner to send with him to her house. She can deal with the greasy canteen medals down the front of his shirts that he wanted fresh and clean every day; and the rest. She wanted to be me and now she is, thank fuck.

@Littys - he plays the victim to everyone
he basically said to someone that he had had an affair and that ‘it had not gone down well with gingerloaf’ - talk about trivialising the whole thing
I think he regrets it - but cannot bring himself to face me and ask for forgiveness- I think he knows that ship sailed a few months ago
Meanwhile she must be desperately trying to keep him in her life

A friend of mine pondered what the OW friends must think - a younger man moving into her house. They may worry he’s after her money and be pondering how exactly met etc
But it’s all wasted energy frankly

@Gingerloaf

I think 'trivializing' it is the only way he can do the mental gymnastics necessary to rid himself of 'blame'. It's a pretty common tactic, both with narcs and sociopaths.

“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”

Spot on as ever! Hope you're well my lovely!

All's well here in my little corner of the world.

Hope all is well for you, too. You certainly have triumphed over "Mr WT", not just in the settlement but in your own life and the lives of your precious children.

Does your phone have the option for a personalized ringtone per person?
If so PLEASE change the one for him to the birdie song
It just about fits his level of dignity

@Gingerloaf well, there's so much material to work with.

I guess he wanted to see you react @Gingerloaf… the gnashing of teeth, the pulling of hair and the wailing would be very gratifying. Responding in kind “Oh really? GTFO to the Budgie Cage then.” probably burst his wee ego bubble. Also, you didn’t go and claw at her eyes or pull her hair like betrayed wives on tv do. Worse than that, you left him to drive her scraggy carcass around while you quietly had a glow up. Nice work!

He has recently posted a loved up photo of them on social media
This was a difficult moment - I am blocked as are DC and so I only saw it via someone he is unaware I know ( again I am not outing anything here)

It was a test for me as to where I am at in this process - it wobbled me for a short time. Then I recalled all the shitty things he has done and the deceit and I realised that sad though I am, and angry that he didn’t t give me a chance to work on our marriage - we are done.
People say that they will crash, the honeymoon will end but this posting seems a step forward for him - in real life people are avoiding him but as someone else observed this posting is him showing he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.
I don’t think he has any idea re the damage he has done- it’s stunning that he could act this way. The word covert narcissist comes to mind. The benefit of time on your own and counselling is that you do get to take a step back and see things with fresh eyes. Normal
married life was so busy I didn’t take time to really think things through - who does??
I see now the blame shifting, the victimhood and the manipulation- these are hard to deal with. You feel a total fool - and then I remember it’s called trust and unconditional love ( you don’t think it’s happening to you but the narcissist is doing a great job on you)
I am more able to see this for what it is and to recon that this man has totally walked away with no regard for anyone but himself- I never expected that and am dealing with it.
I can only hope one day he crashes but I no longer hold any hope of that - I may wait many years for that to happen.

Your friends seem to very much be YOUR friends. I wonder if they saw more to your relationship than you did. Maybe he had sold you a lie about who his core person really was from the beginning to cover up the fact that he is a truly self-indulgent, entitled brat who thinks that pottering through life attached to you and the people you attract is a life. (And yet I bet he has thrown it in your face…) The “our” friends haven’t turned out to be that way, they have been yours. The “our” kids are loyal to you. This is because you were the one who really put in the hard yards and you were the one who was plugged in and connected. All of this social vampirism seems very covert narc, as does the “just add water” victimhood to suit and turning the back on people who don’t buy into the narrative.
And yes, I believe that you absolutely threw yourself in heart first or you would not be surrounded by so many people showing you that you are loved and respected. You would be needing to post photos on FB to “prove” you are still there.

ACH he's gone to a woman who's going to blow her money on a waste of oxygen.

As for ringtone feel free to use my husband's favourite for a select few. It makes me giggle

"Download Free Idiot is Calling Ringtone" https://amp.tones7.com/ringtones/909/Idiot_is_Calling

@Fraaahnces - another nail on the head post. Having stepped back and having had the counselling I believe he is a covert narcissist- plays the victim, has had no empathy at all during the whole course of events, has attached himself to another woman who will bank roll him - I am seeing his behaviour over the past 39 years for what it was. He was always envious of successful people and would blank or ruin times when I was successful. Everything was done very carefully- his sense of entitlement is there.
He complained that our friends are really just my friends but he didn’t make the effort to network his own friends …, until budgie babe
He has morphed into a man who now posts about his relaxing holidays and not his exploring holidays he would do with me.
Covert narcissist indeed - but it’s a good point that he is posting so that people know he is still there and so far the silence is deafening
Those that have seen it say it looks like mother and son. It’s galling it really is

@justasking111 - he is blocked from phone calls but thanks for the thought

You know @Gingerloaf , hard though it may be, I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that his new relationship might be a success.

He needs it to work for financial reasons, for pride reasons, and for "purity" reasons.

I think the money has been a huge attraction for him. Had this lady been on a state pension and nothing else, would he have given her the time of day? Would he be sitting counting the pennies with her, budget shopping and worrying about the gas bill? No.
And that’s pathetic isn’t it?
He knows he looks an idiot. He knows people are talking. But for him, the money talks now. He gets to be the chauffeur, the carrier of her shopping bags.
Happened to a really good friend of mine. The older OW was pushing for marriage and told people they were getting engaged. It lasted a few years and then ended. But the damage to the children involved was huge.

@Fraaahnces great post.
@PeggyMitchellsCameo great post too.

Both of you are correct.
Particularly with OPs update.
Not a chance in hell that he would be with her without the money.
He has always had to be bankrolled.

Of course it is galling to look back and feel used.
That irritation will last longer that your affection for him, and distaste.

He is essentially a grifter and no doubt people are seeing that clearly too.

All very shabby behaviour.

At some point he is going to want to resume a relationship with his children.
Whilst I wouldn't badmouth him.
I would have no part whatsoever in being a bridge or facilitator for him.
He is on his own.

It's really great that you are seeing him clearly.
Its hard for sure, but clarity bestows strength.

@andIsaid - the photo nailed it for me - she is cock a hoop to have a younger man and he’s new to her so no idea about him yet
He Fooled me for years and I accepted the way things were
Realisation is a shock

@PeggyMitchellsCameo - the constant supply of holidays are a big attraction he made a big thing of saying retirement should be relaxing

@littys - yep the realisation of his true nature is hard he has played a blinder for many years and every time we hit a rough patch I fixed it and carried on

He has turned his back on everyone who is not an avid fan of his and he’s now making sure he gets his own way but now it’s stark and obvious to me - a very bitter pill to swallow

Realisation is a horrible shock. It realigns everything you assumed and makes you see it all in a new and unpleasant light ☹️

You are probably as angry with yourself as him, as the realisations land and the scales have truly fallen.
Revisiting 39 years and knowing the effort you put in to push forward when he was a selfish shit is hard.

This is very common in this situation.

Definitely wallow a little and then be very firm with yourself as you "forgive" yourself for accepting so much.

Primarily, you were just another mother trying to keep it all together for your children.
Your intentions were always beyond yourself, putting the unit ahead of yourself.
Swallowing things to push through.
Like so many women at times, in long marriages.

He wasn't worthy of you and now you know definitively.

He was just another entitled man suiting himself.

I strongly suggest huge caution regarding your children.
I wouldn't facilitate any relationship in any way with him.
He betrayed his children as much as you.
Cheaters cheat on their children too, when they cheat on a partner.

@Littys - do you speak from experience or professional knowledge? You don’t have to answer but your posts are very accurate

The DV we’re in touch with him re his birthday but both said it was very brief - I thought it was OW being jealous and intervening but now I am not so sure

Either way what is done is done - when everyone said he would be back I didn’t believe them. His DF did the same to his family and I didn’t know that narcissist behaviour can be genetic - if only the internet had been around all those years ago.

I may wallow for a bit - thank you for your excellent posts