No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Ilovemeggy38 I don't think anyone is unsympathetic to a spouse that has been cheated on, I have myself in the past, but the courts cannot financially punish someone for leaving a marriage regardless of how that happens.

I totally agree. My ex husband tried to 'punish' me financially for leaving - he had a fucking nerve considering I'd already said I wouldn't touch his very good pension in exchange for getting the very low equity in the house...he didn't want me to get a penny.

We were stuck in that limbo for about 6 months, until I sat him down and pointed out that I was getting legal aid (early 90s), he wasn't, and if it dragged on the only 'winner' in the whole thing would be his solicitor.

I got £7K for a house that was then valued at £40K. He sold it a decade later for triple that. To be honest, I wish I had gone after his pension now.

I got taken to the cleaners by my abusive exH because I was the breadwinner while he refused to work. He had also run up massive debts which I had to repay. He’d been taking out loans in my name which I knew nothing about. I couldn’t prove anything and he lied like the snake he was.

Court was a nightmare and a joke.

I was angry for years but resolved to take it in my stride and get on with my life. Never received a penny in child support.

This was over 30 years ago.

My friends wife did this. They had a business partnership. She ran up huge debts/loans, didn't pay HMRC tax or VAT did a runner with a boyfriend leaving him with two kids a business and a home with second mortgage loans against them. She declared bankruptcy. Leaving him to pay back everything. They tried to take the family home. Luckily because of the high price and the recession he managed to hang on to it for the children.

Her dad bought her a house letting her live there rent free.

Eventually he managed to pay back everyone.

If I was @Gingerloaf I'd be checking for loans taken out in her name against the house and her name.

I think this thread demonstrates that the process of divorce is brutal and that as someone said ‘one size does not fit all’ - hopefully the information shared here may help any other person thinking of divorce or thinking of marriage

I do want to be the person who moves on, I recognise I have many, many friends and that the DC can see what’s happening
I believe my future life - whilst miles away from what I planned will be positive and full of fun. Life is what we make it. I recognise a lot of manipulation and control in my marriage - there is a price to pay for moving to the next stage.
I asked the question about settlements because as demonstrated on this thread there are many differences of experiences and results. At the end of the day - peace in my heart and a strong relationship with my DC cannot be bought with ‘marital assets’ - I know that there are worse circumstances for any person to live under. The Duran Duran song Ordinary World comes to mind - ‘ours is just a little sorrow’

Thanks folks for your insight, examples and support

You’ve got your head screwed on and your heart in the right place Ginger. You absolutely rock.
He sounds as if he knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
What a colossal mistake he’s made. Do men have an idiot gene that activates once they’re over 50? The vagaries of menopause pale into comparison compared to the posts I read on here involving men over fifty.

If it's at all helpful, my divorce was not 50-50. We were married for a few years, together more - solicitor (I just did a 30 minute consultation) told me we would be considered as having been married for the whole length of the relationship; 12 years. She also advised to try to keep solicitors out of it, and sort it out between ourselves, because of the legal costs involved.

We used Wikivorce, and drew up our own consent order.

We didn't split any money - his was his, mine was mine. In terms of possessions, it was mostly fine - he took what was clearly his, I kept what was clearly mine, and we negotiated on anything contentious.

The house was the sticky point; we both agreed between ourselves that I would buy him out (reasons why, which I won't post here), and agreed a value. Nowhere near 50% of the value of the house. We submitted this in our consent order and the court sent it back, questioning why he wasn't getting more money. We responded explaining why, and they accepted it.

Obviously ours was more simple, and more amicable than yours, but just saying that it doesn't always go 50:50, and that even if the court asks questions, you get an opportunity to explain yourself.

OP, you do have a great future ahead of you but you are only human, so your irritation at his receiving so much after everything he has done, is 100% normal.

Some years ago a friend of a friend was coming into a very large inheritance and she confided to my friend that she was banking every penny of it in HER sole account, having taken legal advice.

Her husband didn't realise that she knew he had had an affair the previous year and she had found out by pure chance.
He travelled a lot so she now presumed it wasn't the first or last fling he'd had.

She kept her powder dry as her children were nearly independent, and the minute they were gone she planned on insisting they down size, as she intended to divorce him.

She did that exactly two years later. She told him she knew all about his affairs over the years and that she was done now their youngest was off to university.

She told him any aggro from him and she would tell their entire family and circle about the years of affairs he had had.
He really was a rabbit in the headlights as he thought he had gotten away with it.
He very nearly had.

His mother was deeply devout, loved her DIL and grandchildren, and would have been devastated.
She got a really fair, peaceful, amicable divorce AND her inheritance.

Another woman who 5 years later has NEVER looked better.

She has said keeping her money has indeed warmed her a night!

OP, don't you feel bad for one minute over your anger on this matter, very understandable.

@Littys - thank you
I am getting better at just ‘letting it go’ it particularly helps to have had the counselling and time to review our relationship
Added to that I am aware he is reaching out to people we have not seen for sometime - and even they are running the other direction. A number of other things have happened that most people would say ‘ my life has gone to pot since Gingerloaf has not been in my life’
He has started quoting biblical references to defend his position- I kid you not he is not the man I knew
I feel I am getting more and more connected to the wider world and really I am looking forward to whatever comes next

Thank you for your kind and insightful post

Oh please tell which biblical references defend his position!

Well it sure as hell isn't:

Proverbs 6:32 - But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself.

Hebrews 13:4 - Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery.

Exodus 20:14 - You must not commit adultery.

OR

Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

@Gingerloaf Tell him to put those in his pipe and smoke them!

@AcrossthePond55 May I also offer:

Proverbs 26:11 - As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats its folly.

My parents were missionaries. I had many lonely hours with only a bible for company.

@Gingerloaf is BB religious? Often church and faith are smokescreens for really quite unpleasant people. It absolves them of their guilt. If so, then your H has a glittering future of church bring 'n' share suppers and Lent study groups to look forward to, in addition to commode duties, grave-hovering, cage-cleaning and cuttlefish-procurement. Quoting bible verses (especially if not particularly previously religious) is the last cry of the truly desperate.

Keep going. You are an amazing woman and deserve the brighter future that is coming your way (even if it doesn't feel much like it at the moment). x

@REP22

"Quoting bible verses (especially if not particularly previously religious) is the last cry of the truly desperate."

Either that or the devil quoting scripture for his own purposes:

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”

(Wm Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice)

Well yes, quite. He is an insidious fellow and has many forms.

I so love this thread - where else would we get biblical references ( didn’t know there was one about dog vomit) and Shakespeare ??

I think BB may have a religious bent - although I don’t wish to explain. This post is fairly outing as it is. I also don’t wish to offend anyone.

H is also telling people I am crazy and that the police matter was a false allegation - he really is doing a number on trying to convince everyone. That and telling people BB is lovely and he’s really happy there ( me think dear H doth protest too much)

Anyhow it’s all wasted energy - he made his cage he can lie in it

@Gingerloaf - people who are genuinely very happy don't generally need to go around telling all and sundry that they are very happy. It should be obvious from their demeanour. I wonder if he's really more trying to convince himself of it by constant repetition to others. Roaring to the skies like an old stag - but the herd has long moved off and only the skies can hear his braying now.

Or perhaps he just enjoys returning to his vomit. 🐕😉

He's started quoting biblical references? I've heard it all now.

You must wonder if he was always a dick or if he's just become a grade A dick 🙄 It sounds like he'd do anything rather than take responsibility for his own choices.

I've found they do anything but take responsibility if their first 2 apologies (on messenger) haven't worked ..deny deny, blame shift, name call (narcissist is the latest) and don't tell anyone the fact you're breaking up/divorcing.

Ah yes my friends husband who retired early whilst she still worked, joined the church choir it wasn't long before he was tupping a local parishioner 🙄

He went all holy Joe, they divorced of course.

and one of the Ten Commandments is
'You shall not commit adultery'

and for her
'You shall not steal'

so between them they have broken 2 out of 10...

I agree he’s not as happy as he is trying to make out and I suspect some of his comments are to try and get a message to me - especially when he says he’s worried for me ( ?????) the biblical quote is clearly her. It must be a way they are salving their conscience about what they have done
Star crossed lovers against the world ….. meanwhile I am moving on

100% he's not happy. The minute they tell other folk you were crazy it only goes to show how unhappy they are themselves. My ex went about telling folk I was "mental",, only thing I'd been mental about was ever marrying him. I remember years later meeting him with his latest partner. Me and her just started talking about a city we, d both been at recently and having a laugh. I could see him seething as obviously she'd been told the same tale. He didn't want her seeing I was just a normal person. Seriously they're deluded. The last laugh will be yours Gingerloaf. 💐

IRL my friends are saying the same - if he was happy he would be trying to end things amicably and move on, my grey rock makes him think I am crazy because he expected tears and pleading etc ( all ego) and he under estimated my ability to deal with difficult people - he never appreciated that skills set I had in my job
He didn’t expect any of this - no one wants to talk to him and his life experiences are very different- but you play stupid games get stupid prizes
I think he’s trying to convince himself he is happy - and he is reaching out to anyone who will listen to his victim based story - and sending more people my way.

Thanks once again folks - so many people say the same and predict it will all unravel
Watch this space

It's so utterly predictable. The minute they start telling everybody you're crazy, you know they're desperate. The people who matter know the truth. I was surprised to find some years later that not a single person believed any of their shit and the horrible things they said about me. Not one. That was very comforting. People had plenty to say about their adultery and other awful things they did though. They had to flee to the other end of the country in the end. It's astonishing how many of us have had the same old script.

Keep going @Gingerloaf

It's interesting that he's now saying how happy they are etc. I agree with PP that normal people don't need to do that. They're convincing themselves. My ex used to send me texts "by accident" meant for OW, such as social arrangements that didn't happen with mutual friends. He'd also refer to her as "babe". That she most definitely wasn't 🙄. Then I got the "we are in eachother's arms 24/7. What he really meant was that he wasn't allowed out of her sight. Truly pitiful.

@TheFormidableMrsC - he’s also not allowed out of her sight and has to drive her everywhere ( which helps the image of the good guy) and it’s clearly her writing some of the emails and giving him the biblical quotes

It would be funny if it wasn’t so very sad. He has yet to drive to see his DC - I suspect she has a hand in that. He really has messed his life up - all the new people he has reached out to have well and truly shown support for me ( and yes I am wary of them at first)

What an utterly stupid fool he has been. It blows my mind, truly. However, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my days than be with a man like that. You will fly! He will sink.