No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Littys you are helping me make sense of what happened to me 19 years ago - thank you. How can they all be so bl**dy samey!

Happy belated birthday @Gingerloaf. Next time he sends a card don’t burn it, post it through her door after writing across it: “No thank you and for the umpteenth time, leave me alone” Birdbrain will never believe his denial.

The utilities at my son's were in my STBXDiL's name. Three times the light were cut off, once he called her from out of town and she paid the bill, but TWICE he came home from exhausting business trips to find the utilities had been turned off. She'd agreed to pay the arrears (for months that she should have paid when they were together) and take her name off the account and then never did it. She just paid enough to have them reconnect.

He had the same issue with their utility company; "Not in your name, we can't talk to you". After this last time he went in person to the office and finally got someone to listen to him. He had to pay the large arrears, pay a 'shut off' fee to cancel her name on the bill, and then pay a 'new customer fee' to get it in his name. When your spouse has cheated on you, it's just adding insult to injury to have to fork out your cash because they want to stick it to you.

Both you and my DS1 have your heads screwed on right and your eyes firmly on the future. I know you'll both be fine.

Thank you all - I have been dancing in the living room Terry Hall ❤️, Paul Weller, The Proclaimers, Psychedelic Furs and Primal Scream have provided the entertainment

Many thanks for your unwavering support, common sense and humanity - ‘My love shines on, my love shines on’

Keep on dancing ... bet the twat isn't.... happy belated birthday too x

Such wisdom here- thank you!

The ex be begging to be back within 6 months.
DO NOT ENTERTAIN IT.

@Gummybear23 - I won’t be entertaining any of it - that ship sailed many weeks ago
He had his chance and he blew it - many times over

That is the best thing I read on mumsnet today.
💪

Ginger I too love the late great Terry Hall and the lunatics really have taken over the asylum.
Dance on, never stop dancing. Your love shines on through this thread and nobody, but nobody, can ever take away the music. Am
listening myself as I type this. It’s my rock in more ways than one and always has been. X

You’re doing great. It’s hard, it hurts but there will be another life for sure after this existence you’re in at the moment.

You can’t just see it yourself yet but in time it will come. As sure as the sun rises and then it sets.

It’s very early days still. You can’t eradicate nearly 40 years of being with someone and miraculously find it all ok to be without them. But you can do what you are doing and take one day and one step at a time. Slowly slowly you will get there. But it’s a process and that’s painful and hard. But ultimately you’ll get through and you’re doing great.

Thank you for your kind messages of support
Today was a deliberate aim to focus on me - bit of yoga, less social media, mindful eating, a quick tidy up and then a walk on the beach. H and OW flit I to my head - and sometimes I think of one liners if I bump into them. But mostly I have brought my thoughts back to me - it’s not as easy as it sounds.

I have a dark Scandi noir to get through on these dark nights! H had no patience for subtitles - so for now I feel a little more grounded and ME!
It’s a roller coaster folks but you make the ride more comfy or me

@Gingerloaf its just shit you have to bump into these cheating bastards and can’t go about your business off guard. Glad about the yoga, it helps the mind and body and shifts the focus. You’re done brilliantly but you are human. 40 years with someone .., you can’t switch that off unfortunately x

Mindfulness really does work but it is hard work. Remember that the practice itself is where the benefit is, it doesn’t matter how many times the unwanted thinking breaks through, it’s the acknowledging without reaction and returning to whatever you are doing mindfully where the benefit lies. I used to get frustrated and think I was the worst mindfulness student ever, (I had mindfulness based cognitive behaviour therapy a long time ago, got a huge amount from it with practise) because I couldn’t stop thinking about other stuff, no peace! My mentor told me that it didn’t matter, that was the whole point, not to stop thoughts, you can’t, but to notice them without engaging, just call them ‘thoughts’ and label them as ‘thinking’ and allow them to float away and return my attention to the mindful activity. Really need to go back to meditating and doing stuff mindfully , it’s so good for you.

I found it so hard to get and keep them out of my head, there were so many triggers (I'm not keen on that word but I can't think of another one), just everyday things. There are bound to be after so many years with one person. Every reminder of him reminded me of the betrayal, there are no happy memories.

I'm envious of your walk on the beach @Gingerloaf . I've had a day pottering in the garden, it's been a lovely afternoon.

So I took all weekend to compose an email to my solicitor to set out the issues with H and how I have tried to be amenable - and what I will now expect from H - time to stop trying to do the decent thing and use official channels.

It still staggers me that decent people get no joy from the legal system - there are much more worse things than what has happy me and the law does not recognise pain or malicious intention. But at least he can no longer play stupid games with me and expect more than stupid prizes

Today out of nowhere I realised I reached the ‘negotiation stage’ with myself - if only I had.., perhaps I should have…
It was hard - I had to have a word with myself to remember he made a choice, he did this knowing it would cause pain,

But honestly if he walked through the door and I smelt his aftershave or saw his smile - like a fool I would be tempted to melt a bit. It’s now been about 12 days of non contact and it’s hard - so tempting to ask him questions. Each time I want to reach out I have to drag up a painful memory to remind myself why I am where I am. I am hoping for a bit of peace for the rest of the month ( and possibly the evidence of karma)

If you know someone going through this - don’t forget to phone them and listen to them or remind them that they are the victim in all of this and that it totally sucks

My discovery day was back in may, I still slip back to the negotiation sometimes, but as the world keeps on turning I increasingly realise that even if he came back on bended knee there would be no point. The trust has gone, he has acted disgustingly, there will forever be a before and after that day

we have an 8 year old so can’t do no contact, but I’m 14 days into messages purely about our son, no asking how he is, no telling him what’s happened. It’s hard and I miss the person who I thought he was but the reality is he is a scummy manipulative liar.

it’s a journey and you will get through this. I realised when on holiday it was easier because I was out of our house with our things, our memories, in a new place seeing different things. That’s he’s reality every day, I doubt he even often thinks about us. He has a new life, so why am I wasting mine mourning him and us

you are doing brilliantly- keep going, don’t feed he’s ego, I remember early on you said you wouldn’t touch him with 2 shitty sticks! Channel that ginger, she was bossing it! It can’t be undone, and he knowingly did it xx

'But honestly if he walked through the door and I smelt his aftershave or saw his smile - like a fool I would be tempted to melt a bit. '

I think, if you open the front door of the Christmas holiday cottage to a large parcel on the doorstep
and he jumps out ( wearing Xmas pj's, the very same xmas pj's you have bought for the whole family for fun from ASDA :)
and exclaims I'm back !

you will look at him
and think to yourself

' I can never trust you again '

I don't think you would ever forget the hurt and the dishonesty
and I think deep down you would never forgive his unfaithfullness.

@Gingerloaf

Many moons ago I spilt with a boyfriend that I had been with for 17 years. We were the full monty and I had no doubt at all that we would grow old together.

After the break, my mind and heart helped me heal.

But, those intuitive moments, or indeed movements towards someone you loved for so long took an awfully long time to redirect. Sometimes I swear I felt his breath on my neck. Often, when relaxed and happy, with a moment to share, I looked for him - a nano second! Instinct. For example, at parties when it was time to go home. When you remember then that "we" no longer exists sorrow would wash over me.

But, then you slog on. Sometimes, draging yourself.

Brutal huh?

I am glad to hear you are setting some terms and conditions, and making your own demands on the situation.

Time won't defiately make you heal but it will give you time to absorb it and frown something different out of it.

But - I am so sorry. 🌷

@Gingerloaf
You are missing the past when he was loyal and faithful man. But right now
He ain't nothing but a 💩.
Why would you want to step into the same dog 💩 again.
It stinks.
We don't want none of that no more.
We want blue skies, 🌞 and flowers 💐.

Remember he is a 💩.

Your life will be wonderful soon.

And his will be dreadful.

You can't. Speed karma. It takes it time cooking.
When it delivers he won't know what has hit him.

They say time heals all wounds and it’s true. New experiences and time push the old pain down and back. It really does ease. I know from having gone back, twice, it is almost immediately revived because they’ll say or do something that shows they have not changed.
So I wrote everything down: what he did and how I felt then. I updated it every time he did something to hurt me or make life difficult. When I began to think, I was maybe overreacting, was tempted to respond when he reached out, I’d read my ‘journal’ to remind myself how bad he’d made me feel, how cruel he was. Re open the wounds. Eventually he got out of my head and days could go by without thinking of him and remembering something good. I haven’t looked at the journal for a long time now. I got the divorce and can honestly say, he leaves me cold.

Thank you collective - I mentioned the negotiation stage and the temptation of a return to reflect where I am at and clearly it resonates - it must be living alone and having time that wobbles my fortitude. It really is a roller coaster

@SadSack80 - yep 2 shitty sticks indeed

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - the Xmas image will be of a man driving Miss Daisy to the care home to see a relative , then the graveyard to see dead husband and then dinner at a hotel or something- meanwhile DC, their partners and I have a game of pissed jenga and cards against humanity to play ( for those not in the know cards against humanity is not PC) various rude jokes and shenanigans will be played out with lots of videos of the events and smiley photos for me to enjoy. This year I intend to be in the photos and not the one always behind the lens - I realise I have very few photos of me but loads of everyone else.
I will also be wearing my new undies just for me!

@yesmen - a bull terrier pup??? Would love one of those
And I need to have more patience and let things unfold ( it was always my vice to be impatient)

@Gummybear23 - great emojis and I hope karma really does hit
i thought his karma would be to be stuck with her but actually I think as @Littys said his karma will be that he has been downgraded in the eyes of his DC whom he adores

@DearDenimEagle - a re read of my journal reminded me so much of what I have been through and what people have said - highly recommend a journal

Thank you one and all - you are most wise and very kind
Off to watch a scandi murder to feel better 😘

I'm rewatching Why Women Kill, grinning like an eejit. I thoroughly recommend it

It's on the new U channel. There's an app and it's free

This one

Thank you so much - I have seen clips and it looks great

It's on U W just to filter it down. Enjoy