No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Sorry you are going through another one of those downs that is bound to happen. Something that struck me from your first thread is how well you coped ( almost too well) and I remember simply asking you if you were sure you were ok. So maybe this is a delayed response as at the time when things were unfolding you just got through it and kept yourself together.
It is actually great you do have your friends to lean on. And you have your dc firmly by your side which is a great comfort. Part of me following this thread is trying to future proof my life. And when I look around I only really have one good friend so that’s something I need to work on. Some days will be harder and it particularly touched me how you described your husband walking in with a big smile and the smell of his aftershave. Human scent is such a powerful and under estimated thing. Dont feel we expect you to be brave all the time, you are human and it’s still such an upheaval and a shock. Take care xx

I mean if someone were to have “Driving Miss Daisy” and “Why Women Kill” delivered to the Lurveburds themselves for Christmas….
@Gingerloaf Sorry I fell off the thread. Am in hospital and just catching up. I hope you had a happy birthday nonetheless. I am picturing you dancing on her ex’s grave…. Reminding the Chauffeur that he will only be second best for the Miss Daisy, and your very lucky escape.

But honestly if he walked through the door and I smelt his aftershave or saw his smile

He would smell of budgie breath and mousey minge.

@Secondstart1001 - I do t think I am too down but thank you for your concern. I posted that comment to show how the rollercoaster keeps going and how, despite knowing in my head what has to happen, my heart is still running several spaces behind. I want to be aware of the emotions I have and
to sit in them a bit, recognise them and acknowledge them to help me move on.
Its baby steps and if anyone is supporting someone through this they may think ‘well it’s been X amount of months’ - it really is hard to disentangle. I hope this thread is helping others to know that this sort of partner trauma betrayal is the hardest thing to cope with.

@Fraaahnces - speedy recovery

@WellHelloScottie - I spat my morning tea out reading that - funny and sad in the same sentence thank you

Thank you everyone - I am fine and still @Gingerloaf my honesty is intended to help others in similar situations know that the emotions will come and go so very frequently
Last might I penned a very sarcastic email to him - with photos I took of him on our holiday a month before he nuked the family. Asking to spot the liar. I didn’t send it but it had some choice words for him and her - it amused me for a while until I remembered that the silence is killing him more - he recently did something that he thinks I do t know or assumes that if I do know I will give him a reaction. However I have learnt to wait and deliver my reaction in a way he doesn’t expect and which will further demonstrate to him just what an arse he has been. The old gingerloaf could be passionate and fiery - this one has the space to take a considered and beautifully measured approach to a response. The distance between us is getting wider - and I know that deep down he is kicking himself for living a life that replicates that of a man who is no longer alive.

@Gingerloaf didn’t doubt you for a second lovely 😉

he made a choice, he did this knowing it would cause pain

I think when they are at the stage of making their choice they don't consider how the 'left behinds' will feel, they might consider the potential consequences but not how we actually feel. I may be wrong about that but it seems that their whole raison d'etre at that time is moving on to their lesser model; our feelings probably won't even enter their heads, especially if they don't affect them.

I know that deep down he is kicking himself for living a life that replicates that of a man who is no longer alive

The thinking comes afterwards once they see the grass they thought was greener is astroturf. Or sandpaper 🐥

Women poisoning men new movement 😁

"Women furious about Trump's win start 'MATGA' movement — which glorifies poisoning men" https://nypost.com/2024/11/10/us-news/women-furious-about-trumps-win-start-matga-movement-which-glorifies-poisoning-men/

You’re an absolute legend @Gingerloaf

@Gingerloaf .. Just catching up with thread. Your Christmas sounds magic!!. His about all he deserves.

Thank you - you are all very kind

They are on their third or fourth holiday in three months - away somewhere, him driving of course. Making a little bubble of non reality somewhere other than their home. I know it must be nice to be able to holiday all the time but this can’t be ‘normal’??

I am trying each day to mindfully not think about them - but it’s hard. I am however getting more used to living alone and doing things at my own pace and taking time for me. I realised I just got on with stuff - renovating, gardening, socialising and didn’t relax much ( this was one of his complaints and to be fair there is some truth in that) - I just got lost but I think I am resurfacing.

@Gingerloaf all his holidaying and living with the OW won't help him when it comes to separating your finances. If the house has to be sold, he is adequately housed already. Let's hope this means you get more than 50%

@oopsupsideyourheadisayoopsupsideypurhead Finances are separate- she’s funding his lifestyle, he is living at her house and I do t think it will have the slightest impact on the settlement
It was more an observation of the constant running away and living in a bubble elsewhere

Why on earth would she be willing to fund him

Does he not work or have a pension?

@Quitelikeit She is rather well off for a number of reasons - why does she fund having a holiday with a younger man who drives her everywhere and gives her validation wherever they go????
As someone or said to me some women get validation from their man - she was widowed ( not every person takes this course of action so dont all pile in) she was lonely, she sees a younger man who gives her the line he was not happy ( he didn’t bother to tell his wife) and she makes a play for him - an affair starts……..,,

I guess they are going on all these holidays because they’re a little bored at home maybe. Maybe they are trying to escape their new reality

Some folk do crazy things. Did you read the story about Bel Mooney’s husband? Dimbleby - they were married for years 20+ , happily so she thought and then bam he left her for a woman who was dying of cancer

They have both told their stories - her pain was palpable- I forgot what his reasoning was but the whole thing seemed absolutely insane

I think that some men like/need to feel stronger than the woman, for their own fragile ego. A similar thing happened after me and ex split - he also found someone very unwell. I don't think he liked that I was a capable woman.

My ex and OW went on lots of little holidays. I think they like to create a little bubble where all the horrors of their affair can be forgotten about and they don't have to worry about inconvenient things like distressed wives and children that remind them of what arseholes they are. Poor them 🙄

@Gingerloaf in my case, the fact that my ex had moved in with OW and therefore his housing needs were met, had a significant effect on his settlement. So don't assume that won't be the case for you.

@TheFormidableMrsC - not sure which country you are in but this is unlikely where I am . If his situationship ends his needs are not taken care of - as the solicitor said ‘ the law is a blunt instrument’ in other words the needs of either party do not seem to matter in terms of the paper exercise that is going on at the moment

I'm in the UK. We ended up in court. The judge said to my ex husband that his needs were met in terms of housing as he had chosen to cohabit during the proceedings therefore he had adequately housed himself. I am aware that he was told by his solicitor that doing that was a mistake. I actually got 100% equity. My situation was slightly different in that I had a very young disabled child and was unable to work at that point. However, I don't see that the basics are very different.

I agree with the others that the holidays are about ignoring reality and kidding themselves everything's sunny and fun. Also she will be pleased to be getting back out to places she wants to go. You could look at it that she's funding his lifestyle but in reality it looks more like she's employing him.

At this point I see him more as an Uber driver.

My father left my mother for another woman when I was 21. They had only owned the 'family' home for 5 years at that point, there was still another 20 years of mortgage left to pay on it.

My mother wasn't working - hadn't for 23 years - and the divorce eventually ended up in court. She was told that my father could have had affairs with 100 women, it made no difference to how the equity in the house would be split, as there were no dependent children. In the end my mother ended up with less than 50/50, as she had run up a huge credit card bill in my father's name after he left. As this was the late 80s, he could prove he never had physical possession of the card so could not have made the purchases.

My father had been living with the other woman in her own home since he left. It made zero difference when it came to the court case.

She is paying for a full time gigolo and driver. I think if it was more she wouldn't need to visit her husband's grave
A subtle way of making it clear your DH is no real substitute. Bit degrading really

Having a very young disabled child would have made all the difference in tje reasoning that you kept the house.
I presume he kept his pension?
I think what people are trying to say is it makes absolutely no difference if the partner that leaves is shacked up with a millionaire... if there are no dependents a 50/50 split of the house is the norm.
We have a no fault divorce system, we might want them punished for being cheating bastards but the law doesn't care about that or who they live with
after they leave.
It's strictly unemotional I'm afraid.