No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Littys I’m not a sporty soul, and my neither is my friend. We also hail from the other hemisphere. These blokes are simply cliches for a reason it would seem. The script is predictably real.

Apologies for the silence. I have been wondering how to convey a set of events without outing too much

A few weeks ago it was my birthday- which is also the second anniversary of OW husbands death. So I made sure I enjoyed mine and I know H had to escort OW to the grave for her to weep etc - must have been strange given his lack of emotional depth.
Prior to this H was behaving strangely - helpful / not helpful/ helping change utilities contracts ( and then cancelling them) - frustrating bit of power play in which I no longer can be bothered to take part
He also sent a birthday card- I assume he thought this would thrill me - it’s been burnt.
Currently I have silence from him and it must be killing him to go this long - he thinks I don’t t know what he has done re some action he has recently taken.
I am exhausted with this petty and vindictive behaviour- anyone would think I had shagged a whole team of men rather than actually be the ‘victim’ in this
It tells me he’s not happy ( and a bit of a dick) a happy man would be sorting things and severing ties with his wife. I reflect on my life with him and see things that were controlling- all I can hope is he tried it on with OW and she starts to ponder. For now I see them out and about, he driving Miss Daisy everywhere.
They do t like to see me pass them in my car!
OW gets her validation through being with her younger man that she took from a younger woman - again not explaining much but she had no problem meeting me in the summer or standing next to H and flirting. He’s picked a prize one there.
This whole process is exhausting and whilst people say I am strong - it’s testing me to the limits

I won’t explain what I am doing now. Please understand that I need to keep things under my hat.
Any insights into the psychology of it all would be appreciated.

Absolutely no need to apologise @Gingerloaf . Belated Happy Birthday and I'm glad you enjoyed it 🍰

It's incredible isn't it, they've done us wrong then want 'revenge'. You couldn't make it up. The psychology? Arseholes always gonna arsehole.

I suppose it's to punish you - for not begging him to stay, for forcing him to cheat in the first place. And to make things more difficult for you - he's suffering, you have to too. And if his behaviour before now appears to have been controlling looking back rather than 'just him', this is him ramping it up. He's lost control of everything, he's doing his dying fly act, attempting anything to get the right way up again.

Currently I have silence from him and it must be killing him to go this long - he thinks I don’t t know what he has done re some action he has recently taken.

Do you think this action could be him trying to get a reaction from you?

PS It is exhausting, do whatever you need to do, when you're able, to rest and recuperate

Happy belated birthday. Just care for yourself.

People hate to be ignored, he thought leaving would be all about him and his new life, new location, new woman, new experiences. Instead he has settled straight back down into a mundane existence and no one is paying attention to him, especially not you. You should be missing him, fighting for him so he feels important, instead you have said fine, go, and there he is, stuck in banality, driving his new woman to her late husband’s grave, to the shops, watching midsummer murders, but not being fought over.

His behaviour to you is like what we may remember in the classroom. You are at your desk, quiet, happy, just trying to get on with your work, ignoring him. He wants your attention so keeps throwing balled up bits of paper at you, you bat them away but he continues throwing them, trying to get your attention, which you never give. This escalates to name calling and showing off in the halls or playground, even seemingly hatred from him towards you, all because you ignore his advances. I don’t think humans change much from our early years, just the scenarios and locations change. It’s basic caveman behaviour!

As always just keep focused and keep going.

Happy belated birthday 🎂
From the start, I've always thought he would definitely want back to you. I think him doing all this is to try and gain control of the narrative and maybe sympathy from his family and friends. This has seemed to work with his parents.
Things haven't went the way he thought it would ie him leaving the home and your reaction. He's drowning in a sea of his own making. If he was happy and wanted to divorce, there is no way he would send you a birthday card!
He knows he's fucked up, Xmas is going to hit him hard. No children on Xmas day or the traditions that families follow.
Stay strong x

Happy birthday. Belatedly.
Sorry you are going through the machinations of the monster. He seems to lack empathy and if that’s so, he has no conscience. He was controlling, you say? Well, those non empathic controllers don’t let go. You were his. You belong to him. He owns you and should be able to do as he wishes and return when he is ready. . He will never stop with contacting …he might stop for a while but even years ahead he will contact to get a reaction and a reply reinforces his sense of power and control. He made you respond. If he can block you doing and getting what you want/ need now, he will . IMHO . Even if it can only be temporary.
. He is flexing re utilities for example, to feel he has power and so you know he has power and he will be feeding off every small victory…I believe has has low self esteem that he needs to strut and do things to hide his shame. He will not want to feel shame, but will turn it around so you are at fault, justifying his behaviour. Boosting his ego. Even playing the victim.

Yes, it's punishment.

DH's ex used everything she could to exert control over him after he refused her gracious offer to let him "come home" - after she'd been with her Affair Partner for two years.

Even after DH died, she tried to persuade me to put his ashes in a place of her choosing. (No, not kidding.)

Bloody hell @WearyAuldWumman.

If he was happy and wanted to divorce, there is no way he would send you a birthday card!

It might be him trying to be seen to be doing the decent thing (arse) or it might be a poke just to get himself into your brain, again. It's never out of the kindness of his heart - it'll be to benefit him in some way.

Prior to this H was behaving strangely - helpful / not helpful/ helping change utilities contracts ( and then cancelling them) - frustrating bit of power play in which I no longer can be bothered to take part

His conscience?

I firmly believe that all humans know right from wrong. We think things through. We know when we are telling a lie because we usually tell the truth. Crime mostly happens in private, in the dark, or where there are no people (war crime is clearly different). Even someone who would try to claim that it is a default of their makeup (as a way to rationalize) does it in private - I am thinkng peadophillia for example.

So, I often wonder if, in stiuations like yours @Gingerloaf, the pull and tug of being nice and being a wanker, is actually a reflection of his dialogue with his own conscience. When he is being nice, it is in a stage where he accepts that he did wrong, and when being a dick it is that he cannot accept himself and instead, blames you for his behaviour.

Either which way, he is making it your problem, which is something you no longer want to have to deal with. You are the victim of the most egregious emotional crime, and he needs to sort himself out without bleeding into you.

This will be a long road @Gingerloaf . It couldn't not be. You are unpicking a lifetime together, and trying to make something new as you go along. Your life, both interal and practical, is Gaza city right now, blown to bits, destruction every step of the way. You are walking around trying to reconstruct. Where the do you start? Your mind is learning a zillion new skills every day, from the mundane of daily life to huge internal conciousness issues, that don't even reveal themselves until they are done.

All said with the hope that you go easy on yourself, don't demand greatness of yourself, one step at a time and so on.

Have you a garden?

Thank you all so much - I have just washed my car and had a good sob!

He totally loves the cat and mouse routine he’s playing and may even be playing it with OW using me as the bait. Whatever.

@MillyCentTap the classroom example is so correct - men don’t change do they ?
I am resisting the urge to contact him - and I know he thinks he has ‘put one over on me’ but time is on my side and I will make sure he truly knows he’s not in control.

I am told this will all go bang one day - he will have an affair with a younger woman or she will see the light and no amount of shagging or DIY will cover it over.
Xmas will most certainly be a flash point and it will be 21 weeks since his announcement
I just want to feel better sooner - but thank you for the reminder not to be hard on myself

I love this community and I hope my experience can help others to understand the depth of shite betrayal drops food people into.

I feel so sorry for you.
You are doing so well but those surges of shock, grief, disappointment, humiliation, fury, and profound sadness are palpable.
They are so so exhausting.

As well as all that you will be thinking over the past 40 years and all that you let go, all for it to come to this.
Don't under estimate your fury at yourself for somehow not being somehow ahead of this.
The emotions of this are just enormous.
Like grieving but I think worse in many ways.

As everyone has mentioned he is 100% punishing you.

He is like a cornered animal that is so beyond furious at his lack of options.
I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he blames you for the affair and the marriage breaking down.

If only YOU hadn't pushed his hand.
If only it had been kept between you.
If only the children hadn't been told.
If only you had the decency to do the "pick me dance" like a good little woman.
If only you had begged and prostrated yourself to him, to stay.
If only he hadn't felt he had to leave.
If only you hadn't told friends.
If only you hadn't been so calm and bloody minded about it all.
If only you had been more forgiving of a small blip and not blown it up, he would have come to his senses.

All of this is whirling around in the dark recesses of his simple little mind.

Taking responsibility would involve owning up to the fact he is a foolish twat that has made a tit of himself in front of you, friends, his parents and his children.

He has really let himself down, and whilst he may never have been the brightest button in the box, he is furious that he has mishandled this so poorly.

His self image and ego have taken a huge battering and that is hard.

He cannot think of any exit strategy out of this, so his fury bubbles on.
Hence the efforts at contact and niggling at you andvtrying to flex.
He really doesn't want a divorce and for this to be final.

If he was genuinely happy, and desperate to move forward, he would no more be investing any energy in petty behaviour.
He would be solely focused on things moving on as quickly as possible so that he could focus on his new life and partner.
Things are only ugly and petty when one of the parties are unhappy, feel wronged and want the other to suffer.

The calmer and more measured, unruffled you are, the more furious and pissed off he is.

Christmas will be so difficult for him and you, but for him it will because he knows he had it good but he fxxked it up.
It IS hard to live with, the knowledge that you are the author of your own destruction.

Get your tears out, any chance you can.
Holding them in your chest is so bad for your lungs and health.
Acupuncture can be good for helping to rebalance yourself.

You cannot avoid the huge grief and disappointment that he has brought you both to this place.
You can commend yourself hugely for modelling strength, fortitude and dignity in the face of enormous provocation, sparing your children much additional grief.

You are a wonderful mother to your children and they are very blessed with you and I have no doubt they know it.
Their father on the other hand will have recover from this in their eyes.
It is simply not possible to do so.
I would think he realises that too.
It's a fitting punishment IMO.

I think @Littys post is spot on. I have nothing useful to add, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. You continue to inspire me to keep my dignity and my head up.

You are trying to make sense, using your decent, honest and rational brain. You are not going to get answers that make sense

Please, please concentrate on you, what you can do, what you have done already

And sort the utilities yourself. You don't need him to be involved. Notify them that you will be responsible from X date and provide a forwarding address for his final bill, if you have one.

You can do it all and be proud of yourself.

Every time he is involved just puts your stress levels up and your healing process down.

@Littys - a magnificent post I will re read daily
Utilities are in his name and they won’t speak to me - not being the account holder so I have another route - I am not saying too much in here. As when someone dies there should be a way around this situation with big companies especially when the partner is emotionally abusive about this

I live in hope he is suffering but no sign yet.

I saw a quote
How people treat you is their karma
How you react to them is your karma

Utilities are in his name and they won’t speak to me - not being the account holder

You just set up an account for you with a start date and a meter reading.

Or you could just let him build up a debt...

I just want to feel better sooner

I couldn't understand why I was so upset when he left, his behaviour had killed any love I may have had for him stone dead, I used to dream of my life without him in it and as soon as he was out of the door the cloud started lifting. But I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't understand WTF was wrong with me and was desperate for it to be over. I hear you, we've got you until time has done its thing ❤

And beyond 🤗

My situation was the same with the utilities but I just phoned them and told them the truth and they sorted it. IIRC I had to start a new account with one or two things so I told them his address (c/o The Lesser Never Milly - that c/o would have really fucked him off, it was HIS house now!) so they could write to him direct.

Agree with the great post by @Littys .
The psychology of what he is doing now versus what he has done, makes no sense at all if he really wanted fully out and a shiny new life with a shiny new partner.
The fact is that he has nuked his life and realised that the shine he was attracted to is coming from nothing but the fake glitter on the sparkly poo that the both of them are. The grass that was supposed to be greener has turned out to be a field full of cow pats. Nothing like a good dose of reality to expose the truth about LaLaa Land.
Surely if all was well he’d just power on and be totally indifferent to you and his old life if he was really excited about a new future, but he isn’t, birthday cards and his name staying on utility bills scream a need for ‘legitimate’ reasons to contact you and keep his foot in the door. Reasons to be able to try to control and stay somehow in the picture.
He didn’t need a new life, he needed therapy and a more than a smidge of introspection to deal with his own shit. I think most people who have affairs and do this all do. Anyone with a shred of self-awareness would see what madness it all is and what it would turn them into. Decisions were made by and coloured by his hungry ego, not his thinking head.
You’re a jewel Ginger and he knows it. From
what you say, Christmas will be more like his Epiphany come early. Maybe it already has.

Do your children ever call him out? Not because you've asked or told them to, but because they can see how you are and what the effects on you have been?

I mis wrote. What I meant was....
"Their father on the other hand, will NEVER recover from this in their eyes".

He knows it and long after this fling is over, and he tries to irk out a new life as he looks around at his options, he WILL not be able to escape this realisation.
Each new relationship will chip away at who they once thought he was.

It reminds me of the mother of a friend of my eldest sons in primary school, 15 years ago.

Her brother died suddenly and she said that together with the shock, things were messy as his marriage had ended with an affair with a colleague at work.
Anyway he was with the affair colleague for 2 years and had two other short relationship and his divorce was finally final.
He then had a heart attack and died, only in his mid 50's.
When she spoke to his children, her niece and nephews, and asked them how they were coping, the eldest said something like it was just more of the same, that they had been grieving for Daddy since he left mummy.

She thought this was so heartbreaking but so sadly believable.
They were grieving for the man they had thought he was from the day he left them all.
This is why I always assert that the cheater not only cheats on their spouse, but equally the children.
In fact it is often the spouse who will move forward first.
Children IMO, never fully move on from learning that a parent is a cheater, that betrayed their family.
Vastly different from a couple deciding that it is better to separate jointly.

Keep reminding yourself OP of YOUR quiet legacy of self respect and dignity in the face of this awful situation.

I mean this kindly, but long after you are gone, you will inspire your children to remember you with awe and respect that will live on beond you and be YOUR lasting legacy through the generations.

Bloody hell folks you have me sobbing again - best therapy ever, read these posts and disintegrate with the love that comes through. One day this and the journal I write will be a book ( name changes of course) and I hope it helps someone else even if it’s to under what a friend / family member is going through.

The DC have not called him out yet - DS won’t even speak to him DD is getting to that point but is a rational objective person. I agree that he will never recover in their eyes
Xmas we have a cottage somewhere and have agreed some new traditions - I really cannot wait because my DC are fabulous

Thank you so much all of you - really you are amazing x

Belated birthday greetings my lovely.
Yes he's reverting to type, it's all to get attention... Let's face it, wonted be much fun towing her about in a car to a graveyard!.

Prepare for more madness from the clown. At the end of the day, apart from getting dark, he, s the sad loser here.
Keep being good to yourself, you deserve it. This time next year life for you will be fabulous.

That's got me in tears too xx @Littys

These stupid vain men can’t face midlife and getting older. I include my husband in that for the ego driven stupid choices he made.
They nuke the warm and loving Autumn and Winter phases of their lives and chase memories of who they were in the Spring and Summer and think they can be young again and wipe their slate clean and start again. All they do is nuke the love and comfort they have and make it a very hard Winter indeed.
I can’t fathom what the hell they were thinking.

Talking of this Winter, your Christmas sounds wonderful already Ginger and I know I keep saying it but it’s true: he’s a bloody fool.