No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Agreed. The hardest part is getting them out of your head. Every hour at first, day, then week , month that goes by when you aren’t dwelling on them is a step towards fully healing. Not possible to do the longer periods while still disentangling but the more indifference you can feel the better you will feel, too. So getting out, finding new interests or renewing older ones, meeting people all helps create new memories to bury the old, hurtful ones.

I heard locally about a woman who thought her DH was having an affair after he suddenly left her. There were no obvious reasons apart from a decline in the physical side which led her to believe there was another woman. She eventually found out he was having an affair. The biggest & unexpected shock for her was the affair was with a man. Her DH had been struggling with his sexuality for years then couldn't cope with it for any longer. Initially he never admitted to it until the rumours started. I believe they are now amicable & both happy with their new partners. I realise this is nothing to do with your situation OP but it's another take on men who suddenly leave their wives & the turmoil it causes in families.

It's great to read you are doing so well OP.

Thank you at @yesmen - you are very right and it’s something I have tried to start, despite trying non contact there is still something from H about twice a week
He is a master at dragging out contact

But if there are any tips as to how I can achieve this I would be grateful- I set out each day to put me first and then it gets interrupted by a communication from H ( not always an email) sometimes a letter, a friend mentions they spoke with him etc etc
I suppose I could block all the above but it usually comes out of nowhere
So you hints and tips would be much appreciated

I think it’s pretty unavoidable not to get stuff creeping into your day, at least for a while yet until he has no reason to contact you.
I think the skill comes with practising minimal engagement with it all, look at it as paperwork and engage with it as little as possible. Deal with it and get straight back to you and your day. Easy to say, but to try to avoid it will keep you on alert for it and it needs to be treated like an MOT reminder or a bill. Mundane but necessary. Eventually the “wtf does he want now!!” Will become an eyeroll and you’ll just move on with your own stuff when you’ve dealt with it.

Agreed @Thewookiemustgo but I wonder if the focus can be shifted a little?

@Gingerloaf will have to hear from him and indeed about him from time to time.

So why fight a battle that cannot be won? She can never control that.

Going old fashioned and simplify could be very useful though.

Old fashioned could be how life was lived without a cell phone. It would require change in how information is managed, which means a dedicated amount of time in the morning/afternoon/evening (or all three) to read his messages and deal. Nothing beyond that. To simplify life, I would throw the "thinking time" into that quota of time as well. Thinking of him, them, you, the past, the present, the hurt, the pain. When the time is up, you have to stop until the next unit is free.

Any thoughts that crop up during the day you "file" for the next available session.

In Love Actually, Emma Thompson cries quietly before putting on a happy face to join her family for Christmas festivities. It is incredibly powerful and utterly heart breaking in so many ways. The fact that she has to stop is so brutal, but it also saves her. She has to control it. In so doing, she gets a break from it.

I would love @Gingerloaf to get a break from it. Even for a few minutes a day.

Hi @Gingerloaf ,

How old Is the OW?

Aren't you pleased she will be picking up and washing his dirty pants and socks.
Cooking and maintaining this manchild.

You have been given the best gift. The gift of time for yourself.

The day will come when he does not enter your mind at all.
The chains will be off.
Your freedom, your life, your future.
What joy!

The unwanted contact is (in my humble opinion) a control tactic. It's a refusal to accept your boundaries. I was bombarded with unwanted contact which I found really stressful and upsetting.

Suggestions for handling it -

Block all digital contact routes - email, phone, etc - and set up a new email account only for him which you can choose to check (or not) at your own convenience.

Same with phone - block your regular number, get a cheap burner phone with a new number only for him, and keep it switched off in the back of a drawer until you decide to check it at your convenience.

Post - return to sender, or rip it up and throw it in the bin, or shove it in a drawer until you decide if you want to open it.

If a friend starts to mention that they have talked to him / seen him, put up a polite hand and say, let me stop you right there - I really don't want to hear his name ever again and I have zero interest in hearing anything that you are about to say.

When you set up the new email/phone, tell him that you are changing your contact details and tell him he is not to contact you unless it is about the divorce / disposal of the house (or whatever your boundaries are). If he continues with his unwanted contact, it will be harassment.

The more expensive option is to tell him that all contact is to go via your solicitor. However, when I did this, my ex of course ran up my legal bill by bombarding my lawyer with pages of pointless shite.

Hang on in there. Practice your emotional detachment skills. Know that you are not alone.

Really good point @yesmen. I too would love her to take a break from it, I’ve done the Emma Thompson scene myself in real life and it hurts like hell. Some of his contact might be about stuff that can’t be put off and avoided for practical reasons, but the rest can and should get ignored and avoided where possible, absolutely. My advice was based on the unavoidable stuff. He can whistle for anything else.

Just wanted to jump on here and thank all posters for their wisdom and insight, as I too am sadly going through this. Blindsided - married for 25 years and it feels like the end of my world. But slowly, slowly, I am trying to find 'me' again. I am terrified, devastated, furious and so desperately sad that he chose to throw away our history and our future for a woman who was happy to have sex in my home, my bed, surrounded by photos of us and our daughter. He is not the person I thought he was, and I'm not sure how I'll ever trust anyone again. Your collective posts and encouraging words are helping more than you know.

Just echoing @Sicario's suggestions.

During divorce, I decided to deal with any contact (text messages, emails, voicemails, etc) in my own time. So I would be in no rush to open messages. Sometimes I left responses for weeks. Other times, if it was not about the children or a message just to stir up trouble, I would ignore it completely. My xh was also trying to control me with short time limits on legal responses with threats of consequences for failing to adhere. My solicitor had the same attitude as me. Ie we would not be bullied in to responding before we chose to.

Take a step back and only read and respond to what you want/need to, when you want to. I imagine with grown up dcs, there is little that requires an immediate response.

Years on from my divorce, xh is on mute on my phone. I can still receive messages but I only see them if I am checking anothers message and I will still choose when I will read the message and often do not respond at all. It is very freeing!

Although it's not pleasant, this too shall eventually pass

@Anyavailableusernames best of luck to you

Stay strong 💐.

Such a low life.

There are good people out there too.
You just chose a 💩 this time.

Your story is so sad. I am so sorry that they hurt you like that. 🌺

I did the same because even now, he tries to control me by sending mails. He used to text and phone, too, and turn up at my door. I refused to open the door, threatened to call the police. The neighbours hunted him in the end, bless them. I cancelled my mobile phone account, though I’d loved that number, and took out a new contract, different provider, new number. Cancelled the landline, went broadband only, no landline phone. He can email, but that’s only on one device and I only look now and again. My other emails I actually use are on different devices.

So sorry you have to go through that. 💐

I should add to my post on ex avoidance, I am house hunting and when I have moved, I will sell this house, not before in case he sees it’s on the market and is forewarned, and then I’ll block him from email too, when he cannot find me…I hope

@Anyavailableusernames I can feel the pain in what you have written. I’m so, so sorry. It’s a terrible betrayal and I honestly have no words for people who can do that, it is unutterably low human behaviour and I wouldn’t be able to get past that either. It would feel like a total violation of me, my home, my family and my life.
Wishing you strength and most of all wishing you a far better future, you surely deserve to have one.

@Anyavailableusernames - for me it was a 39 year relationship
You really do wonder how long ago they checked out
When did they start planning this and what could you possibly have done to deserve such shit treatment - the answer is likely to remain a mystery and actually it has nothing to do with you. This is all on the adulterer

What I can say is that the righteous fury of others who hear this story is heartening and many people take a very dim view of this behaviour - in the end H is set to loose much more than he, at the moment, has any idea about

Sending you love and solidarity - it really is the ultimate betrayal
Keep your friends close and your chin up x

One thing I can tell you is that whilst having coffee with a friend yesterday this subject came up and she cited an interesting side story to all this.
She mentioned that when men pick up with A-moral thrash that are unfazed by breaking up families and long relationships, they better make sure they have insurance, money and an alternative plan.
Because these types do NOT hang around when health goes south.

Her friend's cousin was one such woman, and despite being with her affair partner for 5 years after they broke up his marriage, she was packed and gone when he got a serious diagnosis.
She "hadn't signed up for that, it was wife territory".
She felt absolutely zero guilt or responsibility. They were having fun until they weren't and she was done.

So he is facing a life changing illness without his wife of 30 years. Children often have little interest in stepping into the breach in my experience, after they have gone through the massive upheaval and upset of an errant parent breaking up their family.
Women are far more likely to have dear friends who will rally around and be there for them.

Actually this happened to a friend of mine. Her ex shocked when she didn’t gratefully drop everything and come running when the AP buggered off to nurse him in his ill health. He even tried to bring their adult kids in to guilt trip her. They were far too busy with young kids of their own and work commitments to have the time required to spend with him at long hospital appointments…. My friend of course pointed out that he had run out of any right to her time, money or support, but sent links to government aged care agencies, volunteer organizations, and wished him all the best. He is now the youngest man in his aged care facility. All his money is gone, as is the AP - she busted up another marriage shortly afterwards….. the kids rarely see him (he did a number on his wife) and my friend lives happily ever after. She works part time, has an active social life, sees the family and travels.

How are you doing @Gingerloaf .

I hope you are alright or at least, not terrible.

🌷🌹🌷

Love it! I hope she lives a long and happy life ❤️

@Fraaahnces I wonder are we members of the same golf/tennis clubs.🤣
Over the past decade I have heard every permutation of affair stories, many of them like yours, salutary lessons.....for men!

How are you doing, @Gingerloaf?

❤️