No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Thank you for all your supoort

I think all the stops will be pulled out at Xmas to wow H - no children on her side.
I think it will be a swanky hotel and the high life - that way he is distracted

we both have birthdays before Xmas as well - again more firsts

Very wounding to know your children will spend time with the "new couple".
Absolutely wounding.

But I think you know the best thing is to let them off and ask absolutely nothing about them.
Your children will so appreciate not being asked, hard as it might be.

My friends children did the meet ups a couple of times, but her daughter broke ranks and just told her father she had to respect his decisions, but she no longer enjoyed being around him and would get back to him when her feelings changed. Her brother didn't actually say anything but took a job a distance away and simply stays with his mother and is too busy when he comes home for a weekend. Home is now mothers new home.
Three years on and things remain the same, he is barely mentioned now. He did ask my friend to encourage them to call but she said that it really was none of her business.
Her daughter has a small wedding booked for January '26 and my friend has no idea how that will pan out. Her Ex doesn't know that at the moment their daughter still has no plans to include him.

In some ways children and teens can get over an affair more easily than adults, with perhaps less judgement.

In my experience, the devastation to the children is not something they ever fully recover from. The shock and distaste.
It breaks something, that can never be put back together.
They just cannot ever see the parent the same again and they often really have zero interest to be around the affair partner.

Well then I’m putting it out to the universe that a dose of salmonella from cheaply sourced, undercooked, hotel fodder and a heap of coal from Santa might be in order for H this festive season and bah humbug to the pair of them.

In any case you’ll have a much better time with people you actually choose to be with and actually like this noel (rather than end up marooned next to). Can you imagine how miserable it would be to look at his duplicitous miserable face over the turkey? That’s what she gets to do. Knickers to the pair of them!

Just reading about Prof Helen somebody or other on TV who quietly divorced her previous husband and secured real love on hinge - who knew? She got banned for impersonating herself and then rejoined hinge with a false profile !! Never heard of hinge but what larks eh?

If you play your cards right Marco might be purchasing flights to Rome by new year… justsayin’ 🤣🤣🤣

@Gingerloaf - at the moment he is fired up and fighting.

His experience is entirely different to yours, and will stay that way for the foreseeable.

It will be enhanced by the fact that he is still a two while you have become a one.

You need to retire the two to become a one. The car stuff is the easy bit. The hard bit is rewiring the mind, instinct and emotion.

As much as you are putting the expensive creams on your face (go Ginger!), and working out the finances etc, the really hard work is recalibrating your entire emotional structure. Defiance is a good part of the process, It gets us up in the morning and makes us put on a bra!

But, the impulse to share a joke, offer a taste of something, put your feet on his lap when watching telly are the hard bits. They are representations of intimacy, love, continuity.

New habits are hard to build as we all know. I think that you, sweet Gingerloaf, should start now to build them and in order to achieve the end aim of you flourishing, new habits need to be built simply for YOU. Not in hope of a crap future for him etc (we can do that for you 😁), but solely and utterly for you, and the type of future you hope to build.

You have a wonderful mind. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

⚠️ strong words ahead...

I get more and more angry every time I think of your sad, bastard, cunt of an H. And as for her, she deserves a special type of spiked shoe in the fanny (and I don't use my name in vain often).

He's hurt you so badly and then has a cheek to talk about his mental health. He'd know all about his mental health if I were your sister, friend, daughter, cousin, random person on the internet who knew who he was. I'd terrorise the bastards!!!

I'd boil her fucking budgies.

But because I love animals, birds etc. no real budgies would be harmed of course. I believe you can get some good replicas of our feathered friends online and I'd sprinkle some feathers around the pot for good measure. The actual budgies would be safe ❤️

I've read through other women's posts on here too. What the fuck is wrong with men?? I'm looking at my DH who's innocently watching the chase and secretly fucking seething at how his kind can be such bastards!

I'm sounding a bit unhinged tonight but men's behaviour and the behaviour of the pick me women makes me so bloody mad 😡

@Littys - not sure why you think that about Xmas. I am having Xmas with the kids

@yesmen - I am trying to start new habits. It’s hard I still say us and we - old habits but j am doing more and more for myself and by myself
I am trying to focus very much on the future for me - and most of the time I am able to achieve it - most of the time and it’s getting easier

@Fannyfiggs - you do make me laugh, be kind to your DH as @Legendarygincupboard mentioned there are good men out there.
I used to mention some feminists issues to my H and in the end he cited my hatred of men for his affair - frankly it was one of the many excuses he used for his shitty behaviour

@Legendarygincupboard - I hope Marco is out there somewhere - he will have to be one hell of a chap haha

I used to mention some feminists issues to my H and in the end he cited my hatred of men for his affair - frankly it was one of the many excuses he used for his shitty behaviour

Wow, he really is a special man isn't he? The OW has won the prize pig, she must be so proud.

But imagine being an older woman and still being a 'pick me'. How embarrassing. Your H has won the prize cow...

(No offence to real pigs and cows)

Ginge, you have dealt with this so well. I know we're not with you day to day but the way you write I can imagine how you are irl. I would go feral in your situation so hats off to you.

The support on this thread from women who have been through the same is incredible. Women supporting women, the way it should be. You're all AMAZING 🤩

@Fannyfiggs - but she has won. A young looking man has left his long term marriage and is now driving her around and she is fussing over him. She won. I know people will
say ‘yeah but what did she win?’ - but he’s still the man I shared 40years with and he’s still there!

I did have fun today - in a shop in a town where they live. Two young women attending. We got chatting and I told them the tale of how one of their fellow town people had shagged my husband etc etc They were suitably agog and - very kindly said the way I tell the tale it was very funny. Frankly if you didn’t laugh you would cry - this silly fucker blew up our life and walks away with half my pension. They were suitably horrified at some of the aspects of the story - some of which may have been on the other thread

I have finally gone for the sleeping tablets and last night was the first time I fell asleep and stayed asleep for a good 7 hours - absolutely magic!

Oh Ginger, I'm sorry if my post came across as flippant. You were together for a long time and I know you must still love him so I get how you feel that she has won.

You deserve the world, not this idiot and his pensioner pick me upsetting you.

Sending you huge big hugs, love and positivity ❤️

Sending them the karma they deserve.

She has won a man who walked away from a woman who has given him 40 years. That’s no prize, it’s a vanity project, for both of them.
Everyone moves out of a honeymoon phase, even the deluded one they are in right now, and real issues pop up. Real behaviours show themselves. The rose tinted varifocals have to come off at some point.
I have read both of your threads and been so impressed with your words.
I would never, ever feel secure with a man who left his wife the way this man left you. I would always know he had a weakness.
It takes a very vain and surface woman to do this.
I think the pair of them sound perfectly pathetic.

I’ve kept up with this thread right from the beginning. I’m feeling a bit guilty for being so entertained at some of the posts and Gingerloaf responses, I think because I know it is at the expense of someone’s heartbreak. So please know Gingerloaf that I reflect on your situation a lot and I’m rooting for you daily. Look after yourself won’t you X

How very kind of you all - @Fannyfiggs please dont worry I don’t think you were flippant. My posts are to reflect the nature of this situation. At the moment it feels
like she has won ( and I appreciate he went willingly and then dithered and is now making the most of it) I do take comfort in the number of people who say it will go tits up and I for one want to see that day.
That things will be better in the long run - I hope so.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo - objectively she must know he’s a cheater but for now she is in the full flush of whatever and has a ‘real man’ to look after her. But I think she would die if she bumped into me in the street

@Wilkina1 - hello and welcome

Please believe me when I say the support and insight on these posts gives me strength and hope. Strength to deal with whatever shit show there is - my former in laws now firmly backing H ( not knowing about the police I bet) and my DC being asked to see them all for a family dinner. I realise how divorced mums/ dads feel seeing their kids going off with the other parent who may have caused the shit show.

From watching him try to wrestle control of the situation and to manipulate it to get information out of me or the kids is fascinating as a study - and then totally sad as a reality.

No one has offended me - and I thank you all for the insight. I hope karma is real, I really do
Any thoughts on a time frame - most welcome

@Gingerloaf karma is real. When the shit went down with my ex husband ( who had a long term ow) they found a lump ( non cancerous as I’m not a evil person) in his arse and they had removed it meaning he couldn’t sit down for days. Then he broke his collar bone in a biking accident 😅

@Gingerloaf it will probably come when you least expect it and you don't need it.

Like most things in life! 😁

Won't make any less sweet though!

@Gingerloaf bloidy hell - the in-laws want the dc to attend a ‘family’ dinner…surely not with the ow there too already??
Suppose they’ll always be there for their son but…they haven’t invited her there too? Surely not 🤦‍♀️

She’s won a cheating arse hole. Good luck to her trusting a man she stole from another women, a life time looking over her shoulder - some prize.

Pressed send too soon as was having a chuckle … he broke his collar bone within 2 weeks of his arse recovering. Someone then drove into his parked car on Xmas day and when it was as fixed someone then threw a brick through his car windscreen. …the brick through the window wasn’t me btw 😅

This post says it all!

Good to see you @Gingerloaf. Keep on keeping on 🙏

I know this is a process you have to go through

but I always like: forgiveness is the best form of self interest’

and my days it truly is

ive often thought you are too brave - don’t be too brave just let it out. Feel the pain, anguish, upset, share it here.

ssris can be very good in the early days of an affair………a bit like a sticking plaster

I imagine the kids will fill the grandparents in on the delulu behaviour of the aged lovebirds and let them know where their loyalty lies… I can’t imagine that they will tolerate too much “But he’s your father! manipulation from anyone.

Thank you for your takes if Karma and belief it will all go bang. It helps.

I notice that the highs and lows of my thoughts are not so extreme - but this process may not be linear and so I am expecting to still ride the rollercoaster for some time.

I don’t think OW is invited - because the DC are invited. And somehow despite all the bouancy he seems to have at the moment I know he told me he wasn’t happy in September and so at the moment - as has been said here- he’s convincing himself it’s a love affair when it’s really survival.

Many thanks folks - I read that
How they treat you is their karma
How you react is your karma

Lets see what happens

I just thought what is he doing for money or is she keeping him?

He has a small amount of money but she’s bank rolling it all - he is her driver, DIY man, arm candy and shagger