No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@yesmen - what an inspiring post. You have him to a tee. I love the phrase ‘ultimate creative process’ I think I will add that to the daily mantra

@justasking111 - that is an inspiring tale. Many people have told me tales of woe for the cheater. I really hope that karma is real
and catches up with them in the end.

I hope others get some comfort from this thread - so many wise and kind people
Thank you

@Gingerloaf I hope you are not beating yourself up over grieving the loss of your relationship. It's normal and healthy to do so. It's something you need to do in order to recover and be your best self, so if it hits and you have time, sit with it and let it happen. The bottom line is this: everything you feel is valid. Everything you feel is OK. You are allowed to feel all of it. The sad, the jealous, the angry - it's all fine. Work through it. On the other side there will be peace and light and your future.

I’m slightly ahead of you in this shit storm @Gingerloaf ive done the pick me dance, I’ve wallowed and cried expecting him to have done the same - he doesn’t give a shit! The feeling of fuck it, let’s move forward just came one morning, it was liberating! Yours will come too, I’ve got the ick! As my daughter says… break up song - take that - like I never loved you at all x

@pointythings - thank you. I do have the time to sit with it. And I try and name it and why it bubbled up ( the jealous thing was a bit new) thank you

@SadSack80 - I look forward to the ‘fuckit morning’ I do think it’s getting closer
the more he fannies around and plays silly games the easier it is to embrace the ick

I spent this evening going through cds and DVDs making a lovely pile to drop off on their door step one night - sick of having his shit here

I don’t know where my ones gone. He walked out with just a ruck sack, left he’s toothbrush in the bathroom and glasses next to the bed. Blindsided! But I’m stronger now, I’m seeing him now, you will too. Time xx

If you have a garage, when you have the stomach for it. Box everything up. And put in the garage. You can get suitable boxes from a delivery firm.

I would toss everything over the banisters rather than try to carry boxes down the stairs, get a friend to help. Then wipe out those empty wardrobes, drawers and spread your own stuff out.

@justasking111 - most of it has gone but the last pieces are in bags and I am contemplating whether to drop it at OW house - as putting it in a place he can go means he comes here. I have taken photos of piles of stuff ( since his solicitor is keen on inventories except if H has to do one of the stuff he’s taken) am biding my time as to when I do the final haul - her house must be bursting at the seems with his crap

I spent this evening going through cds and DVDs making a lovely pile to drop off on their door step one night - sick of having his shit here

I took such joy in bagging and boxing up his hoarded crap for the removal men to take. The best was the garage, he kept everything 'just in case' but he also kept rubbish, literal rubbish, so that was all duly delivered too. I just happened to pass him as he was driving away from the recycling centre, having had to take rather a lot of stuff he'd paid for to be delivered to him.

It's the little things.

When my xh eventually moved into a flat (that I had to find for him), I packed up all his belongings and told him that I would help him move it all that day. He looked horrified and said that he had planned to do it all gradually ie he planned on using it as an excuse to still turn up unannounced ... as a form of control.

Get rid of his stuff op. It will be a load off your mind and take away his control. You can then ignore all his messages about it.

Great post @yesmen and on the money.

@Gingerloaf never under estimate what such a man will do to avoid facing what he has done and the fall out.

For selfish men it can be far easier to prostrate themselves in front of wives AND children rather that sort themselves out.

You will hopefully be so far through this process you will not be tempted to be his port in a storm.

He burnt the house down, he doesn't get to live in the one YOU rebuilt.

@Gingerloaf I have found you again! I’m the one who introduced you to your future Marco. I will catch up properly later. I think it must be so very difficult not to go supernova every time you are provoked - which seems soooo very frequent. I would try so hard to leave all contact to solicitors/police/mutual friends if you feel a response is warranted. Might shut him up and get him to hurry up. His little ego must be like the most fragile spun sugar, unwilling to let go of the belief that you are waiting for him with open arms to kiss his brow and heal his wounds when he comes back to you with stories of the damage caused to his MH when he fell for the cruel, cruel lies of a wicked hussy who led him astray against his better judgement.

@Fraaahnces - hello, lovely to hear from you. We are in the final throws of moving bills etc from his name to mine. This was supposed to happen at the end of sept but he had a hissy fit about something he already knew but pretended otherwise. His need to control has been quite breathtaking. Such is his need to distract from what he has done his emails have been full of puff and waff. Ignoring it seems to have burst that bubble.
Hopefully if we can navigate the last few things I can go non contact - just as family events, anniversaries and Xmas hits.

And yes - I do want him to hit a brick wall. I want him to experience some of the pain he has caused the kids and I. At the moment I am not holding my breath as I reckon OW is doing her best to keep him ‘happy’ how secure their relationship is, is anybody’s guess.
This is a man who didn’t give me a clue, lied and deceived me when I thought he was ill rather than cheating. To this day no apology or explanation has been forthcoming. Many will say it is likely that it won’t come but it just adds to the trauma.
Once non contact is in order I hope I really can focus more on myself and the next chapter. He has a knack of reaching out at a moment I am trying to do something for myself. It will be good not to see his details pop up.

I know that most agree that the ex stopping things from happening, or causing hassel, is about control.

I don't think it is. I interpret it as them knowing, deep down, that once everything is done, all the bills transfered, items moved etc, it is actually over.

By objecting, or trying to stop it, they are trying to buy time, and stop reality from crashing in.

The anger is because they realise they cannot.

He has a knack of reaching out at a moment I am trying to do something for myself. It will be good not to see his details pop up.

He knows how he feels with you not contacting him.

Was he controlling at all when you were together @Gingerloaf ? Looking back.

I genuinely think the lack of an apology is also down to ego… I mean why admit fault when one can find entitlement? Ugh!

Why do they deny anything happened or say you’re imagining things..(nope didn’t have an affair) …why do they think saying sorry twice online and twice in person is enough and you should be moving forward, forgetting what has happened?

@yesmen - an interest take. I have tried to get him to sort some bills / contracts that are in his name but I am paying for. Hissy fit at first, then mental health and now
having said Monday was a good day to sort something suddenly it’s Wednesday to do it ( and phone turned off so he doesn’t read the text!!) it has made me ponder his understanding and motivation but softly softly catch e monkey. We will get there in the end.
I still think he thinks he’s riding off into the sunset with the love of his life - because contemplating anything else is too much

@MillyCentTap - not sure about controlling as such. He did sometimes have a stubborn streak about stuff at the moment it’s part of his MO to make a big deal out of everything to keep that contact and I mean everything

@Fraaahnces - I don’t think there will ever be an apology. He is avoiding the depth of his fuckwittery - hoping that one day all will be well and forgotten. Again under estimating the impact on friends and family. He’s yet to see the settlement agreement which is going to surprise him!! And not in a good way.

@schtompy - he doesn’t deny the affair. He is the one who announced it and I had no idea. He also said a couple of weeks into his new life that he wished he hadn’t told me. I think at the moment OW is working really hard for him to believe he is living the dream.
No likes on his FB page mind. No contact from his kids. No contact from friends. He really does have to believe it was all worth it

I am truly impressed at your restraint/maturity. Especially as you are clearly intelligent enough to devise the dastardly machinations that a lesser person (me) would have let fly weeks back !

@LivelyMintViper - I have had many moments day dreaming up some magnificent act of revenge and anger but as my wise friends keep telling me that just adds to the narrative that H and OW can live off’see I told you she was crazy’. In some ways I think H was thinking that is how it would be that I would be crazy ( and sometimes he may think that I am) I also think ( but can’t prove) that OW is not as sweet as people think. There is such a difference in his emails that it’s clear she’s involved. The whole phraseology is different.
Maybe I am hoping that the scales will fall from his eyes - although I think the time has passed for any reconciliation
That was the end of September but then something happened and he changed his mind - the boundary I put in place was too much for him and he ran the other way.

I really do hope that one day he crashes and has some sort of recognition of the shitstorm he created. But I am not holding my breath.
People say the tide will turn. That he will be worse off - but at the moment there is no sign of that.
nearly 4 decades together and the fact he can walk away leaving me holding all responsibilities is tough - not one I expected or wanted but now have to deal
with

I think he will crash at Xmas, especially as you say, he adores his children. Your kids sound amazing, the way they stood by their mum speaks volumes. You should be proud of them and yourself.

i want to one day look him dead I. The eye and know he knows he messed up

Don't pin any ounce of future happiness/satisfaction on this man, you know he messed up, that's the far more important opinion. He may never give you the satisfaction you're seeking even though he no doubt knows it deep down!

@Laptoppie - you are right but it’s so hard to get to that point
Love is a drug and coming off that drug after so long ( and even knowing it’s not good for you) is beyond tough
That the drug never even gave me a heads up and now seems to be flaunting his new love - is tough
I heard last night one DC is seeing him at NY and obviously for balance / normality I know this will and should happen but it was still a weird - just so odd
I appreciate it will take time - I need to be patient

Oh absolutely, its not easy at all and it sounds like considering the circumstances you are doing absolutely amazingly well. It's hard but i think healthy to go through all of the emotions and actually experience them rather than repress them; your future self will thank you for taking the time to think things through and act as you currently are. It wasn't a criticism, just he's not worth pinning any more emotional energy on by hoping he does x, y or z in the future. Hope all goes well, you sound brilliant.

You’re doing fantastically well. But you’re also right that you can’t just magically switch the light off after nearly forty years and all of a sudden become a new person. Time, patience and determination will play their part and are already doing so in small ways every single day.

You are currently charting your way and navigating through choppy waters, but everything you are doing will eventually lead you to a calmer sea in time.

Presumably you are also gearing yourself up to quite a few firsts as well. Christmas brings emotional tension to many people and it’s not easy facing the first one in this situation. But each day you are getting stronger, even if you don’t always feel it. One day, one week, one month, one first at a time.

At some stage in the future you’ll look back on this time with relief that you’ve made it through to a better place. For the time being just keep on doing what you can to get yourself through the challenges and remember to give yourself credit for everything that you’re doing with dignity and aplomb.

I don't think he will regret his actions until some time after the divorce and he wakes up one morning, looks at her and realises ' what the hell have I done '
Right now she is the ' prize ' the reason for changing (messing up) his life, the scales will fall from his eyes one day.

If she has any common sense she will make sure they are not around at Christmas, off on a cruise maybe ?
As out of sight = out of mind re his children etc.

I can't remember if you have said, or maybe you don't want to give so much info ? but does Budgie Bird have children/grandchildren ?